Major EF + nightmares

[keepfighting]

Yesterday, we were at the home of one of h's best friends (they go way back, were each others best men at our respective weddings etc). It was a flying visit (we had to return something and stayed only for a coffee).

I suspect the wife of having a PD, but I can't be bothered to think too much on which it might be (she's controlling, jealous in the extreme and very very passive aggressive).

Yesterday, h's friend was sent away with one of the children by his wife; so we ended up sitting just the three of us chatting over a cup of coffee. I tried to stay Medium Chill, at least in front of her, but her onslaught towards me was more vicious than usual. On our way home, h stopped at a nice coffee place because he felt I needed a warm and delicious treat after all that agression...

Among other things, she told me that my children would be at a disadvantage because of me (I am a stay-at-home mom by choice) - careerwise that would weigh against my children because they could not possibly be "well rounded" enough to qualify for a good education. She went on to say that since I haven't found a part time job yet (...I haven't been looking for one but that's beside the point) I should go back to the destructive cult I grew up in and which h and I left about a decade ago (as h's friend's wife, she's fully aware of the struggle we had to get out and get a life together for us and our family so that was an incredibly mean thing to suggest).

I think I stayed MC in front of her enough so she doesn't know which of her 'arrows' hit home, but I was haunted by nightmares last night. Most of them were about cult related things but also of my (in my dream grown up) children accusing me of ruining their chances of a good uni and a good career and stuff.

I am just so drained and exhausted from the EF and the nightmares - and the attack itself. We didn't stick around long enough for h's friend to return.

[wingnut]

Ugh! That woman sounds plain evil. Even knowing you don't deserve such cruelty it's difficult to prevent the words from seeping in. Since you have no ties and your husband obviously sees it too I agree...last visit ever. As an act of self preservation please put yourself first here.

[Whobuddy]

  She had no right to say those things. I do hope you can be NC with her now.

Great that H responded with kindness. 

[keepfighting]

 

Thank you all for your kind and warm responses. Your answers and your hugs are such a powerful antidote to all the venom she spewed at me yesterday. It feels so good to know you have my back. 

[flookadelic]

Sometimes we have to burn bridges, other times people are kind enough to do it for us.

[Rain]

Yeah, flook's got it!   Walk away from that burning bridge.

Glad to hear your support family here at OOTS has your back, keepfighting, as you do ours.   

[marycontrary]

I second everybody else...please rake care of yourself.

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh my words. My sis-in-law is a bit like that - her words are like daggers straight through the ribs. But to bring your kids into this? That woman is a walking dog turd. So good of your husband to notice your distress. I hope you're better today. That's why I thought of dog poo - it really is like stepping into something nasty, the stink lingers a bit...

[keepfighting]

No nightmares last night - progress!

I slept better for reminding myself that there are good and kind people in the world, capable of caring and love (plus I took the 'emergency cuddler' that my d gave me when I was in a major depression 2 years ago out of its hiding place for extra comfort. Sounds pathetic but I needed it last night  ).

We can tell that h's friend is in trouble and getting deeper into it by the year. His wife has now alienated him from his entire FOO as well as from all his friends except two (one of which is h).  His coping strategies seem to be mainly long hours at work (no extra pay) and booze. His alcohol consumption rises in direct relation to the time he has to spend at home. It feels wrong to go NC with the entire family now and leave him even more isolated than he already is, but now that his wife has also started attacking me, h and I have decided that our own wellbeing has to take precedence and that we'll try very low LC first (birthdays only) and go NC if we're out of options. We have also discussed two different exit strategies should a situation like this emerge again.

Today, lots of other incidents involving h's friend's wife have been resurfacing in my mind and I realized that I've been attacked by her more often than I realized. All small, insignificant and tiny little daggers. I can't believe I never noticed - still the old patterns of behaviour on my part, I guess. Thinking of these remarks as slaps in the face - and how many would I be willing to take without walking away immediately? (NONE!!!) - is a good analogy to keep in mind.

Thank you all for being here. It helped a lot, really. 

[Rain]

  to you, keepfighting!

Please read this web site, and Dr. Evans books on Verbal Abuse are ones I recommend.   It has been eye-opening what we get used to.

http://www.verbalabuse.com/

I hope your you and your husband can protect yourself from her.   And, of course, I am concerned about your husband's friend and the children.   No one should be exposed to this.

And yes, keep the analogy of "slaps to the face" in mind ...leave.   Physical and emotional strikes are the same, and emotional are indeed even worse.

I'm glad you are choosing safety and the well being of all.   

[keepfighting]

Thanks for the link - very good information on her website. 

The subtle verbal abuses are indeed very hard to spot - I often do not realize what's been happening until after I leave a conversation and feel drained.