Help with Boundaries or Something TW: Abuse Descriptions

PaperClip · February 20, 2018, 09:52:00 AM

I live in a small city. They don't like me, apparently. It is unfortunate that I have cPTSD and DiD, because I need to get my kids out of the house.

I took them to a popular kids ministry. They loved it. I sat and listened quietly to the pastor every Wednesday with a few other devoted attendees (2 to 3 other people).

His behavior became strange as he made mild statements like "don't be so arrogant" or "drop the false doctrine." I didn't know at the time, but he was indirectly talking to me.

I'm not a religious nut, but when I studied the bible I decided to learn enough paleo Hebrew to select from a few source that transliterated the Old Testament direct from the Dead Sea Scrolls and to evaluate the background of the archeological significance (validity) of the New Testament writings. Then, when I studied, I seriously studied.

I don't think this pastor has more than a high school education, but I don't mind. He's a prosperity teacher and I was hoping to at least garner some positivity from his sermons or whatever they're called.

Then the behavior became extraordinary when he began to make inferences about my eye movements that he didn't like during his preaching which was being recorded live on the internet. I'm thinking he should be glad I can't afford a lawyer.

Eventually I experienced his verbal abuse in the hallway. I'm in one spot about 20 feet away from him standing quietly watching my kids. There he is talking to someone else with his back to me about a city hall meeting and he turns around very quickly with an angry look on his face and yells at me something about how we should support the meeting. (I was at that meeting and left half way through, because I had something else to do. I didn't know the man at the time.)

There's something wrong with the man, clearly. But the problem I have: The entire city is this way. I cannot take my kids anywhere in this town without experiencing something of such extreme negativity as it supports a culture of abuse (It'd dying, btw). The administrator at the local gym, for example: "Why bother?" He literally said that.

I know, right? I wish I weren't exaggerating.

It is fortunate that I did not react to the pastor of that church. It is unfortunate, that my kids are the victims as I cannot take them back and they haven't any friends. It is also unfortunate that it took me 3 weeks at home to mentally undo the trigger that this man brought on and the resultant severe depression and feelings of futility.

Does anyone know of any techniques or practices with which I can use to shield myself from the affects of my seriously depraved city? I try to isolate as much as possible, but I really need to get my kids out the door more.

_---
I'll do one more jaw-dropping example. I owned the business in town. The checks were in my name. I'm also a technical copywriter in the automobile niche. I write to sell used engines and transmissions to people.

I saw a car in the small local dealer that I liked. I stopped and looked. When it became obvious that I was leaving the old man/owner of the place said to me, "Go home. Talk to your husband about it and bring him back so we can talk about it."

For real. Every day it's a new trauma.

Blueberry · February 20, 2018, 05:10:16 PM

I don't have an answer for you. Just want to let you know I read.

sanmagic7 · February 20, 2018, 05:23:56 PM

i'm not doubting anything you've said, just want to note how odd these behaviors are. i've had that experience with car salesmen thinking that a woman can't do the deal. embarrassed the smack outta him when my toddler needed attention, and my husband left the bargaining table to help her. this guy was completely tongue-tied as he sat looking at me wondering what to do next (i had always been the negotiator when it came to this stuff).

i feel bad for you and your kids having to experience this. small towns can be rough, for sure. one thing i've done when faced with people i don't want to be around is mentally put up what i call my 'god shield' so that their vibes and neg. energy can't get at me. don't know if that would help you or not. it's worked for me. my d does something similar as well.

best to you with this. i truly hope that things change for you. i know that some communities can be very clique-y, and it may be hard to impossible to break thru and be accepted. i hope that's not the case for you, paperclip.

PaperClip · February 20, 2018, 07:28:45 PM

Thank you blueberry. I understand. You are kind.

PaperClip · February 20, 2018, 07:35:10 PM

sanmagic -

Yeah, I think someone is mad at me from years ago and I've been blacklisted. I'm guessing, but this seems to be a reality among small communities. I don't worry so much about what people think in this manner, fortunately. If they are this small-minded and hateful they are useless to me in any capacity. Otherwise, the whole thing is straight out of a Steven King novel without monsters and gore. This culture of abuse is egregious here.

My concern is navigating it with my emotions for the sake of my kiddos. Thank you for your suggestion. I had wondered if putting myself into a mental bubble and tricking my mind in such a manner worked for anyone else. My dh would call it a psychic bubble or something like that. At this point anything would be helpful.

We are hammering away at what needs to be done so we can leave.

Three Roses · February 20, 2018, 08:38:47 PM

Paper clip, not sure if this will help but ... http://www.kellevision.com/kellevision/2017/05/how-to-protect-yourself-from-a-cluster-bs-abuse-gray-rock-medium-chill-and-robot-mode.html

There's also an excellent book called "The Four Agreements" that I've found helpful - hope these suggestions are helpful to you, too!

PaperClip · February 21, 2018, 12:24:09 AM

Quote from: Three Roses on February 20, 2018, 08:38:47 PM
Paper clip, not sure if this will help but ... http://www.kellevision.com/kellevision/2017/05/how-to-protect-yourself-from-a-cluster-bs-abuse-gray-rock-medium-chill-and-robot-mode.html

There's also an excellent book called "The Four Agreements" that I've found helpful - hope these suggestions are helpful to you, too!

That site has a wealth of information. Thanks for sharing it. I clearly gray rocked that pastor. I did the same when I saw one of his flying monkies (for lack of a better term), the teen youth minister. I really liked him. He seems nice, but it became clear that this youth minister let on to the pastor about the behavior of one of my children (calling the deity by a different name) and that part ended up in his sermon too. When I saw this guy at the store I wanted to smile and talk. Instead, I just briefly smiled and went on. They all gossip, because they're afraid of something. Very frustrating.

The book you mention is right up my alley. I'm looking forward to reading it. Thanks again!

Blueberry · February 21, 2018, 01:12:22 AM

Quote from: PaperClip on February 21, 2018, 12:03:05 AM
Quote from: Blueberry on February 20, 2018, 05:10:16 PM
I don't have an answer for you. Just want to let you know I read.

I see now that you are a moderator. Your statement was ambiguous. It can be taken in different ways. I had been assuming you were someone shy.

Now, I'm looking at the other possibilities and will make another assumption since your intent is not clear.

I'm very sorry my intent was not clear. It was actually none of what you thought. I'm sending you a PM.

PaperClip · February 21, 2018, 04:38:56 AM

Quote from: Blueberry on February 21, 2018, 01:12:22 AM
Quote from: PaperClip on February 21, 2018, 12:03:05 AM
Quote from: Blueberry on February 20, 2018, 05:10:16 PM
I don't have an answer for you. Just want to let you know I read.

I see now that you are a moderator. Your statement was ambiguous. It can be taken in different ways. I had been assuming you were someone shy.

Now, I'm looking at the other possibilities and will make another assumption since your intent is not clear.

I'm very sorry my intent was not clear. It was actually none of what you thought. I'm sending you a PM.

Thank you. I'm sorry I'm so fearful and if I made you uncomfortable with my questions. Thank you for your kindness.

Blueberry · February 21, 2018, 05:05:10 AM

You're very welcome PaperClip. I'm glad we were able to sort it out.

You're doing great on here!

Kizzie · February 21, 2018, 06:22:13 PM

for working through this. Made my day because it made me think back to how things would get so off the rails in my FOO and it would just blow up into something huge and awful in a heartbeat, something impossible to fix.

I never learned how to work through things (and I'm sure that's true for so many of us), but here we can take a risk and try. I now ask directly too PC because I'm not as afraid I will get the typical NPD response of "Nothing!!!" said with a face/tone that says otherwise, end up being blamed and guilted, or end up facing N rage. When I do check and get an honest response I find myself saying "Oh, so this is how healthy people handle conflict." I like it!

Blueberry · February 21, 2018, 06:32:02 PM

Yeah, I never learned how to work through things either in FOO.

But I'm learning here and IRL without FOO. But it's easier here, probably because we're all learning together and wanting to learn. I mean, where there's good will to do so, it will work some time.

PaperClip · February 22, 2018, 12:23:23 AM

Over thunk it again!

Yay to new friends!

Three Roses · February 22, 2018, 03:35:42 AM

Quote"Oh, so this is how healthy people handle conflict." I like it!

We were not taught, in our sick families, how to handle misunderstanding. Instead, everyone just got out their "Jump To Conclusions" mats and just freaked out. I'm still un-learning this!

PaperClip · February 24, 2018, 08:08:46 PM

**trigger warning***

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Someone mentioned a term for what I have experienced: gangstalking

However, I am not referencing the conspiracy stuff including big government and mind control or any other conspiracy.

I mean gangstalking in the way of abuse arising from systemic narcissism in the community of its "leaders" and their attached flying monkeys.

It makes perfect sense. It also makes sense that I have continued to live in it for more than a decade. I've been through it before but on a much harsher scale.

In the end, I laugh and am relieved to have the validation. Yeah. We just need to move away.