Think I may need to leave boyfriend

[alovelycreature]

I have been thinking about this for months. Maybe even years. I go through periods where I'm happy, in love, and can't wait to spend the rest of my life with this person; then I think, what the * am I doing with this person? In the past, I think that when these negative feelings came up, I felt guilty about them and then tried to be overly loving. How could I think this way about my bf? He does so many great things for me.

Lately though, I feel like I'm growing out of him. I think I have been for years. I'm trying to become an emotionally healthy, positive, and happy individual. Bf went out of town for work for 4 days, and they were great. The house was clean. I was happy to be alone and do things at my leisure. I spent time with friends. I had a good routine. I didn't really miss him all that much. In fact when he came back I felt some dread. Within 24 hours the house was a mess, and everything just felt overwhelming.

There are superficial things I'm irritated by, the cleaning, the way he uses the living room as his changing room, his ADD behaviors. Forgetting things, losing things, etc. I feel like I always say to myself, "I understand this is something he struggles with, and it's not a huge deal, just irritating to me." I know that I can only control my behavior and actions when it comes to things that irritate me.  I have in the past expressed these irritations so he is aware. I feel like I try to be a good partner.

There are a lot of deep things that bother me and I feel I am starting to accept them. That I deserve better. He always interrupts me when I'm talking because he thinks he knows what I'm going to say. Lately when he starts doing this I literally yell, "CAN I PLEASE JUST FINISH WHAT I WAS SAYING?"

When I try to talk to connect with him, even if it is silly like about my day, he seems irritated. He starts looking at his computer, gives eye rolls, seems generally disinterested in what I'm saying. He did this this morning while I was explaining why I didn't have to work today. I noticed his irritation and I said, "Are you okay?" To which he responded, "I'm trying to figure out why this is important." To which I said, "Fine, then I'll stop." I seriously felt like having a crying break down and telling him to leave. Whenever I try to talk about anything that interests me, something I'm struggling with, or pretty much anything he's not interested in discussing he acts this way. I used to think it was me. That I was just an annoying person, but now I see it's him. It's not me. I have plenty of other friends who like the way I am. I can't control his behavior or reactions to me. Whenever he talks about stupid * I don't care about, I actively listen and at least pretend to be interested, because , I don't know, that's what you do for someone you love? You notice that they feel the need to connect with you and want to talk, so you listen. Or maybe as my IC has previously tried to convince me, I'm an idiot.

I feel I cannot be my authentic self in my relationship. I've been avoiding him. I met a couple girls offline who are interested in yoga/meditation and we have been practicing together. I've been going to yoga, meditating daily, and started going to Buddhist services at a local temple. I started going to a yoga class. I'm studying for a test I have to take and nailing my studying. I feel so good about every area of my life except for my relationship. I feel like I've worked really hard to stop being afraid and am starting to make positive changes--no matter how scary they are. Because no matter how much anxiety I have about meeting new people, or looking stupid at yoga, or fear that the people at temple will not think I'm as serious---I'm not letting it get in the way of doing what I enjoy and loving myself. Other than my relationship, I can't remember the last time I felt so good and positive about my choices.

I'm sure it seems obvious and clear where I stand on this break up. We've been together almost 9 years. I'm terrified to break up. I'm terrified of his response. I'm terrified of what to say, because I feel like the reason why I am unhappy is because he just doesn't like or respect me. It makes me think of every time he looks at me and says, "You know I love you, right?" I don't. I've never allowed myself to feel that because I think he loves the idea of me--not me. I'm afraid about breaking our lease. I'm afraid about where I'm going to live. I'm afraid of all the big changes. It's really scary. What if I regret my decision? What if I can't meet anyone else I like?

I feel like at this point I'm just ranting. I know other people on here have posted about their thoughts on breaking up with their partner. This feels so weird because I feel like my boyfriend saved me from my abusive family. We started dating when I was 18 (I'm now 26). I don't know what my life is without anyone. I'm excited to be single and really get to know myself, but I'm scared.

[marycontrary]

Maybe you saw my thread right next to yours. You are right, it sounds like he is taking you for granted. That is not a good place to be, and it only leads to *, unless he sees the err of his ways and tries to work with you. This is where setting boundaries of behaviors you will not tolerate will literally separate the wheat from the chaff.

Setting compassionate boundaries really clarifies a relationship. What are you scared of? Clarifying reality is your long term friend----though it is agony in the short term. You know, my first ex disregarded me just like yours...and after 17 years together, the level of lying, betrayal, and display of contempt had morphed into a monster of epic proportions. I wished I has thrown his * out even way before 9 years.  See, if they feel like they can get away with the eye rolling, the disregard, then it WILL escalate unless you set boundaries and let mother nature do her consequences.

I hope this helps...    

[alovelycreature]

Thanks for your response, Mary. You're right, setting boundaries is important. I pretty much told him I was unhappy in our relationship and I didn't want to be with someone who behaved the way he did. He thought about it for a few days and has agreed to work on himself and the way he treats others. I was honestly completely shocked. He also told me he wants to take the time to understand me better and how I view the world. SERIOUSLY? I couldn't have asked for a more sincere response.

I think my IC might have taken over and I fell into black-and-white thinking. He's never going to change. He's not going to see he is doing anything wrong, like in the past. He's going to think this is too much work and be fine with leaving. I think this experienced really showed me that I focus on the negative, my IC, and I blind myself to the possibility of hope and positive change.

Actually downloaded at ACT book. Need to get my IC in line. He's a sneaky one.

[Annegirl]

How are things now lovelyC?
i was encouraged and happy for you at your bf's response.

[marycontrary]

Wow, don't you feel better now?! Isn't that great news! yay!!!

[Kizzie]

Lovely, that is wonderful!     

[alovelycreature]

Things are going okay. He wants me to work on my lack of trust in others... so my inner/outer critic work I suppose. I'm sure this is something we all struggle with. I feel like that is something that falls into place with time. I can understand that this is frustrating for him since we've been together almost 9 years. I'm doing some reading and considering doing some therapy regarding it. The only person who I unconditionally trust about everything is my best friend (who has uBPDm and uNPDf). It's a struggle.

How have others explained these trust issues with their friends or partners? Or just their CPTSD in general? It's so complex it's hard to explain easily.

[C.]

That's wonderful that you have a friend in whom to place so much trust.  I wonder why you don't feel full trust with your partner?  I haven't had to explain the trust issue with others. 

As for me I'm learning to have full trust with T, but ultimately I see humans as fallible so I don't know that I'd trust everything with anyone...just me and Higher Power...hope that isn't a complete downer, but that's my conclusion for now.

As for CPTSD sometimes I just explain that my brain was wired differently in childhood due to a lack of emotional safety.  I like to use the metaphor of a Tiger chasing someone, that I was "wired" to have that level of response to what appears to be everyday experiences to others due to not receiving the emotional safety & nurturing that most people receive.  Like when cptsd first hit just going to the doctor gave me a serious EF, heart racing, unable to think clearly, feel my skin crawl, sounds exagerated, etc.

Another example that helped a friend of mine who's husband probably has cptsd was when I talked with her about the normal phrases she probably has to help her in difficulties.  That she has a "voice" that started with her mother that would say things like "it's ok, you'll be alright, things will get easier soon, your loveable" etc.  Then I explain that some of us never heard those reassuring words, so when a problem arises we had nothing to fall back on.  There's a void or a hole, a lack of connections in the brain, that provide such reassuring thoughts.  So we have to learn them as adults.  That brought my friend to tears...she couldn't fathom not having had that loving & reassuring voice as a small child...it was just so sad for her...

[alovelycreature]

Thanks, C. I think that is a good and easy explanation.

I think I have trust issues with him because I feel like he has difficulty at times empathizing. Like, when we have a disagreement I get triggered. I've tried to explain this to him, but every time we have a disagreement he can't see how hard it is for me keep calm. Like, if we're discussing something difficult and I need a break, I'll go upstairs and lay down and focus on deep breathing, or a body scan, then I'll come back. I guess I get very overwhelmed between needing to talk about the issue at hand, and trying to focus on controlling my EF; and usually he pushes me to the point of break. Usually when I break he stops, but it shouldn't get to that point! I feel like he doesn't understand why I set the boundaries I do. I feel like if he empathized as opposed to sympathized, he wouldn't do it.

I can empathize with him not understanding what exactly I'm going through and the difficulty of dealing with a person with CPTSD--but I'm not going to tolerate being pushed to the point of a panic attack or reverting to bad behaviors. I am planning on talking about this with him, because when I start panicking (or whatever) he then becomes overly worried and frantic. Just a big mess that doesn't need to start in the first place. So I guess we'll see how that goes!

[C.]

Good luck lovely creature.  I will be curious to see how things go for you.  It can be hard to help someone else understand and support us when we're just learning to understand ourselves.  It takes courage to have the conversation.  My T. and some things I've read suggest simply stating what are the triggers to loved ones so that they understand and can try to avoid certain phrases or behaviors.  I understand how this must all be quite tiring for you.  I see how thoughtful and considerate you are being to figure out how to talk about this with your partner and then do so.