On Of Us Is Out To Lunch [TW, Read Cautiously]

[sanmagic7]

wow, p.c.  what a wonderful mom you are to be this concerned, this willing to admit mistakes, apologize, and break the cycle of abuse that you've been thru.  you are making so much progress personally as well as with your children.  the love you have for them is what shines thru, and they get that, they feel it, and they're responding to it.

i relate to holding the sadness in your eyes.  i've done that for many, many years.  people, strangers, would comment on it to me.   so very sorry you had to hold it, too.

thank you for continuing to share your recovery here.  it's insightful and inspiring.  you are doing so well, it's tremendous to see.  hugs from the bottom of my heart.

[PaperClip]

Thank you Hope! You are fine!
___
Yesterday I thought differently about writing here.  I asked myself, why am I writing here. Why so much?  Why no thought of boundaries?  Why am I not writing this in private?  The only answer I can come up with is I don't care. I must.  It's almost as if I'm desperate.

I never expected anyone to respond and I certainly don't expect anyone to keep up.  The truth is, I can't express this verbally.  I've always been able to write, but not speak my feelings.  This is not to you, Hope.  It's just coincidence.  I type fast, have too much to blurt out and it's not something everyone is wanting to keep up with.  I know this.

I think this desperation all started before Lyta found me.  Finding her has been profound.  I can't yet describe the changes in me, but they are profound.  It's good, because when I woke up this morning I could see myself - over the last decade or so - my deplorable behavior.  I'm making it sound worse than it is, I know, but I abhor it.  Hate it. 

For most of my life I tried to stop my anger outbursts, my confusing behavior - even I couldn't see the half of it - but I couldn't.  I wouldn't.  And I hated myself for it.  When I got the diagnosis and met the others, that hatred fell off.  I didn't change because the behavior was someone else, not me.  I can't change other people, but I can love them.  Love them I did and the changes were universal.  I felt better, but some of the behavior continued. 

Now, it's different.  I see patterns of wrong thinking, bad choices, misunderstandings in my head as it would seem that lead to stupidity and rejection by others and even created hurts.  Still, I hang on to the late-coming reality that I am not at fault like they want me to believe.  Of course they rejected me, I wasn't making any sense.  I can see this now.  I don't mind saying it really sucks and hurts; the rejection doesn't hurt, but the reality that  I created it does.   Yet, still.  I don't feel like I'm at the bottom of the barrel!  I'm not wallowing in anything. I feel more courage and have the bravery to just say, "Well. Okay.  Let's move forward then." 

I've only every known excitement or a soul-ripping inability to be straight with myself.  Of course, not.  I had the others. My conscious was split.  With Lyta's mind coming into mine, the entire world looks different.  Knowing the horrible things that happened to her isn't agonizing or depleting, but oddly reassuring, assumptive and outright honest.  It just fits and makes me a bit more whole. 

I'm not *S* with everything, but all the while I see the shatters of my life and am scare for the future.  The prognosis doesn't look good.  We are unbelievably poor.  We are buried in debt, but the debt isn't the problem.  We're beyond that.  We're buried in a life that is half broken in every sense and fixing isn't daunting, it's a seemingly impossible task.  What can we do?  What can I do?  It's my life.  This is all I've got, so I must do something. I must try.  I cannot lie down and die on the inside and let my life continue to go to waste.

All I can do is take advantage of the few small opportunities within a small window of potential and try.  All I can do is continue that which I'm supposed to keep up and hope that it will be enough.  My kids' education, trading, writing, repairing the homes with little to no money, hiding from the politically charged, our impotence from poverty,  our emotional weaknesses from past trauma, the slinking away from our dysfunctional society so it won't trigger us, the need to find peace in an every increasingly divisive world and my health.   

This reminds me:  Once I had trouble with a passer-by on the road about my dog.  I had her temporarily tethered out front of the house while I was cleaning house.  Until recently she was a fence jumper and even spayed, she was quite the wanderer.  The people complaining about her being tethered had no idea of the context of the scenario but were very angry with me for abusing a dog.  People are nuts this way and it makes me paranoid.  IT's not that I'm doing any harm, but that people won't stop and thinking about the context of which they complain.  She's mostly an inside dog, but they didn't know this. 

Yesterday, I put a bowl of dog food on the front porch. It's for display, not really for the dog.  That's nuts. Just nuts.  I have an old dog that is sick with bloat.  She's fine other than the bloating.  Eating hurts her.  By gollies, she doesn't want to eat anything but the best of the food so she avoids her dog food and waits for yummy scraps.  She's a full size dog and I cannot afford to feed her strictly people food, but I do as much as I can.  I want her to be happy and comfortable in her later years.  Her bloat betters by fasting and I think she knows this.  She's cyclical.  She'll get bone skinny and feel better and, then, start eating again.  She'll gain wait and be okay until her belly becomes uncomfortable and she'll eat less and fast again.   I see her hop and jump sometimes.  I see her craving attention, wagging her tail and having many happy hours.  Her time is not yet and she clearly enjoys just being a dog and loved for it. 

But the people.  I'm so paranoid.  I put a bowl of dog food on the porch because she's skinny again.  If anyone sees her, they'll jump to conclusions of neglect.  It's like I spend my life trying to hide from these types of people.  I want to be rich, not because I love money - I actually hate it.  I want to be rich so we can have some power over these types of people.  I want the community to have that false sense of respect they carry for wealthy people.  This reality of society disgusts me, but I cannot change it nor hide from it. 

Where I live, wealthy doesn't mean rich.  Here, it's more like the high end of the working poor and the lower end of the middle class.  For real.  This area is so poor.  My FOO income  wavered between the lower end of upper class and the higher and of middle class.  My life now is starkly different. 

For the finances, Mattie has a plan.  I need to let her fulfill that plan.  I need to trust that she will back off and let me care for the kids regularly.  This is the first time ever to embark on a weighted endeavor with full trust in only one of my buddies.  It's frightening.  I cannot reveal that plan right now.  I must be in full swing and learn to trust ourselves with it, first.  It requires great mental fortitude, tremendous self restraint and discipline and a high level of introspection.

Mattie doesn't like people. Even my husband doesn't know her, but maybe the plan is why she came out.  Perhaps she wants me to know I can trust her cooperation with everything else.   I must try.  She cannot make things worse.  She could only fail and that is a probability we figured in. 

[sanmagic7]

o how i hate the 'quick to judge' people.  there are too many of them.  i've had dogs, too, and did what needed to be done for them.  i don't see anything wrong with what you're doing with yours.  how can anybody outside your family know what's going on with your dogs? 

yes, i hear you on the whole world situation thing.  it sucks, and there's nothing we can do about it except live lovingly in our own little piece of our world.  that's our contribution to making it a better place.  it's what we can do.

i hope mattie's plan works, and things begin turning around for all of you.  you go, mattie!   i'm also glad lyta has come to you, shedding light on everything.   you are doing a remarkable job, p.c.  so glad to be getting to know you.  love and hugs to you all.

[Hope67]

Hi PaperClip,
I can see how much Lyta is helpful to you - in making you feel more whole, and I think it's good that she is there.  I want to 'keep up' with what you write, as I am really glad you're here in the forum, I relate to things you say.

I especially related when you said you can't 'express this verbally' - because although I talk about not being able to write, I do write things, and often end up feeling as if I'm waffling, but I 'don't speak things out loud' very often - even to my partner - although I do that more often than I used to, and I 'can' talk to him about things.

Society is a harsh reality in terms of the inequalities - and I hear that you're facing some tough things - but at the same time, you expressed some hopes in Mattie's plan, and I also hope that works out - for all of you - and I also want to send you a hug, if that's ok. 

Take care, PaperClip, and I am glad you are here.
Hope 

[PaperClip]

Hi ladies!

You are a gentle nudge in a room full of malevolent pain.  A digital touch, a simple hello and authentic virtual hugs is an energizing string trailing from among a harsh environment and through a small window leading to hope. 

You are appreciated and valued sanmagic and Hope.  Lyta's presence is a troublesome affair, especially to the resistant ones.  It's hard for Bonnie.  She's doing well, but this road is arduous and bumpy.  You are kind to show interest as we are tired from isolation.  They never acknowledge my own greatness. It's good to be free.

The dogs are well and brilliant.  She didn't mention, but there is a puppy in training too.  She adores large powerful aggressive breeds and training them.  Personally, I think it's a power trip for her, but whatever.  The dogs are beautiful and she hasn't much else to enjoy and hopes that Goober will grow and protect Little Miss.  Ha!  You pet him and he falls over.  "Rip someone's face off" is not what he looks like he would do.  Well. Okay.

We live deplorable lives under the burden of his back child support payments.  The most recent tax offset for - 7 grand - paid the principle in complete.  Mattie explains it better, but I think the state is dying and losing one of their federal teats is unsettling to them.  They're scrambling, we think.

The change in tax laws for the poor, such as our family, means the state will no longer garner tax offsets and live off the federal teat.   Sir Bill is no longer paying federal taxes under the new laws.  Ergo, no tax refund for the state to swallow.  They/we allowed the offsets in order to pay it off.  It has been good. 

Now, we think the state is wanting to reinstate a new contract to extend this deplorable servitude for the remainder interest balance (with interest) as they will no longer be garnering ten percent interest on the principle.  The whole child support thing is a racket, as Mattie says.  This money should be used to put these now adult children in college or to fix a leaking roof.  I think a better car would be best, but don't have that say.

The dogs, the clean up from the fire, Lyta's presence and horror that comes with it, the futility of everyone's well-being under financial burden is too much for our bon bon right now. 

Mattie is brilliant, but be warned.  She can be abusive. 

Tootles

Samantha the Awesome One

[DecimalRocket]

Hi PaperClip. It's tough to lack money. You can't find enough comfort in life if even basic needs have trouble being met.

Political and economic forces are things people often can't have any control over, and to deal with its effects is rather hard. All kinds of people in power don't make the effort to listen to those guys down below - strange.

Take care, Paperclip. I hope you can "clip" your way to some solution or at least some kind of peace of mind, no matter temporary. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, p.c., sounds like you're going thru a bit of a messy patch right now.  taxes and dogs and financial woes do not a happy household make.  with everyone trying to get into the act, it can be difficult to keep track of what goes where, i think.

keep on keepin' on, p.c.  hopefully, something good will break open for you soon, and you'll be able to get some peace for a time.  sending hugs all around, and lots of love - enough for everyone. 

[Hope67]

Hi PaperClip,
I was thinking about you, and hope that you are ok.  Thank you for saying that you appreciate and value me, that meant a lot - and I also feel the same way about you - I am glad you are in the forum, and that you're talking to us here.  Nice that there is a puppy in training, but I can imagine that is hard sometimes, as puppies can be boisterous, but fun too.

I hope that you are ok, and that your weekend is ok.  I'm glad that you are finding it a bit less isolating - to be here in the forum - I also appreciate that too - I felt isolated with my thoughts and feelings until I found this place.  It is like a safe haven.  I hope you find it the same.

Take care,
Hope 

[PaperClip]

Decimal, San, Hope, Blueberry and anyone else who has comment.

I can't believe it has been 5 weeks!  Husband installed Ubuntu OS on my computer wiping out bookmarks.  It took me a couple hours to remember the name of the forum and get here. 

over the last few weeks I have surfaced occasionally only to be bombarded with negative thoughts.  Among these negative depressing thoughts were a glimmer of hope that someone cared and that hope was you.   Then, I would willingly go back in and let someone else take over.  Sam has been cleaning house and Mattie has been working.  Mattie is absolutely relentless.  Trying to communicate and get her to sleep through the night instead of working such long hours.  It's not helping us, but she says it's only temporary.

Not to sound hokey, but it's true that your posts are important in my mind.  Yesterday I wanted to come and write, but I was self critical.  I wish I could be there for others right now, wish I could visit someone else's thread, chat up a storm and encourage people and and and ..   just not right now.  I'm doing well to shower every day.  However, I can make a commitment to spew all my negativity on this forum.  ha! 

Next week is husband's appointment with the state over interest due on back child support.  They recently changed the laws to reduce the percentage rate charged from 10% to 2%.  Figures that it would be changed after he's paid the principle off.  I didn't see anything anywhere claiming it to be retro.  I don't know why they changed the law of the percentage.  Of course, it's too high and that was because it is a racket, but the state went through a class action law suit over it and won.  But they change it anyway? 

Husband seems to think positive about the meeting next week.  Seems they need to recalculate the amount with the reduction of percentage.  I recall them having discretionary abilities.   Husband seems to think they might write the whole thing off.  He's quietly hoping to get back part of his tax refund offset, because the principle was paid long before this tax return. 

Out of everything, we've managed to smash more than $50k of his back child support (not a * dime went to anyone but the state, mind you.) while being 129% above poverty level.  Mattie told me what they do:  They enforce 10% interest knowing full well something will happen in people's lives that will cause a default.  This puts off the child support payments while interest accrues so terribly that the payor initially gives up.  She says it's standard human behavior in behavior economics.  Beat me, but the goal for the state is to keep the father/mother in arrears until such a time when the child is grown and all that money goes directly to the state.  She claims they go by statistics and the analyst know that after so many years the payor will be better off and they attack the payor to pay up.  If the payor happens to keep up?  Well, they look good by having done their job, says Mattie.  Makes sense, actually. 

I've never met anyone who ever received a dime from the non-custodial parent, actually.   

Speaking of percentages, I'm letting the cat out of the bag:

Mattie has been studying trading methodology for the last four years.  Obviously, we cannot afford stocks, so the she's gearing up to trade foreign exchange.  She has already, but as typical it didn't work out.  She was smart about it.  Husband agreed to give her $2k three years ago.  She absolutely refused to lose much, so she bet dimes, not dollars.  Lesson learned and she's got the account reloaded with another couple hundred.  It took hubs a long time to help us come up with just that much, but Mattie refuses to give up and hounds the books, the websites, the forums and at least 2 times a week she stays up all night long following the Asia markets, waiting for London  and NY open for volatility.  Sometimes when I wake up in the morning I find dozens of papers scattered all over the dining room table where Mattie has etched calculations by hand, line by line, representing, week by week compounding interest accumulations and various other maths. 

I keep hearing the f'g works "Sharpe Ratio.  Sharpe Ratio. Sharp Ratio and Risk to Reward and Probabilities and Positive Expectancy" in my mind over and over again.  Annoying.  I retreat if it gets too bad.

I have since learned that Mattie is just a mind.  She doesn't front or control the body.  She partners with Samantha to do that for her.  It's really strange, but I noticed the dissociative spectrum is broad and I'm beginning to assume I have differing personalities that fall upon that spectrum at different points with Sam being on the long end of it.  Sam can come fully out and demand changes in attire and living accommodations, e.g., whereby Mattie only influences thinking and logic and rational.  To function fully, Mattie must coordinate with Sam? 

The problem they have:  I get in their way.   LOL  Apparently, I can stop everyone if I will it on occasion.  Fascinating.  I didn't know this. 

Anyway, I am supposed to change my sleeping habits, set my alarms and in the meantime be willing to step out of the way at certain times to let things happen. 

She's convinced my husband and has agreed to a goal of a minimum $500k within a 2 year time frame. 

Holy *, right? I'm like...  I'll be happy with a drawer full of new socks and underwear, but okay.  I dunno even know what to think about with an income like that.

I must admit, it's worth a shot.   So, I'm trying to be compliant while determining the appropriate times for me to come out and do the Mom stuff.  Mattie's behavior neglects the kids.  Sam's there, but she's not hip on baby-sitting.  So... 

Fascinating, isn't it?  I'm just as glued to the scenario as anyone else, but me?  I just want to not hurt.  I want to hide, give up and end life.  Truth, but I keep hanging on for brighter days. 

On the normal side:  I had an acquaintence about 5 years back that pissed me off.  I had been complaining about financial woes and life's hurdles and general "blah blah - negative - blah blah". 

You know what he said?  I don't understand.  You're so smart.  Surely, you can figure something out.

Yeah, well. It pissed me off because he was right.  So, I'm thinking about that time is when I subconsciously began to let go of my reigns on Mattie. 

Mattie is doing 'okay', but when I switch in, there's a discipline problem.  I may be required to live with blackouts.  I don't like those.

I'll keep updated. 

Thanks for reading. 

[Hope67]

Hi PaperClip,
I am really glad that you're still around, and I just wanted you to know that I'm glad you're posting again - and I missed you - I have thought about you - and hoped that you're ok.  I can see you've been so busy - Sam doing all that cleaning and wow, such a lot of work that Mattie has been doing - studying trade methodology - it sounds very complicated.  I admire her ability to do that. 

You talked about realising that you can impact on them - in the dissociative spectrum - and that is great to know you can do that.  I think so. 

PaperClip - I hope that your husband's meeting goes well - and that there is a good outcome from it.

I would like to extend a warm and friendly hug, if that's ok to you  - and just express how happy I am that you're still here - and that you're ok. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

so very good to hear from you again.  it sounds like all of you have been so so so busy.  wow!

yes, the scenario is fascinating - i'm glad you find that as well.  mattie, sam - nice work.  and paperclip, well done on overseeing and managing.  very hard work.

all the best with everything that's still in the wind.  love and a big hug to you all.

[DecimalRocket]

Woah. That's a lot of effort piled up there. You guys have a pretty strong set of practical and decision making skills here for your situation. That's great.

I haven't realized it's been already 5 weeks since I last saw you. Time passes so quickly.

Hope it works out for you. 

[PaperClip]

The meeting with the state child support division, today, went horribly.  Horribly all the way around. 

MATTIE WAS RIGHT.  THEY'RE TRYING TO COMPENSATE FOR THE LOSS OF INCOME.

I'll be honest with you guys, I share clothes with my husband and so much more!  We're so proud to have paid so much on this and be at the end of it with only the interest rate left. 

In short, they don't look at the paperwork and think.  They think he's got the money to pay it off or offer a lump sum.  They don't realize the lump sum was generated from tax refund offset.   He also pays monthly.  It's a very low rate because we were and are so poor, but the new guy isn't happy with it and wants more money per month.

We make about $250/mo too much for food stamps.  We are already food insecure and are constantly worried and barely keeping up with basic bills.  We don't have any extra curricular activities.  I don't even sign the kids up to play ball, because we simply are too poor for the stuff (and the city is obviously a poop hole, anyway). 

We simply don't live.  Now, they want more.  When Bill stated he wanted to get a lawyer, the f'er said he was going to push through $400/mo. 

And you know what?  At that rate, it would be better for him to quit his job, so we would qualify for food stamps and not starve.

My husband is in his sixties, btw.  SIXTIES.  My children need clothes. They've never had bed clothes, but just old ratty t-shirts. It's gone on so long, they don't even know what pajamas really are.  They steal my pillow because it's the remaining that still has fluff.  All the others are rock hard.  I don't use fitted sheets onthe beds any more, because the elastic is worn and I've waited for years to have the expendable cash to replace them.

Please understand:  When I write this, I'm not talking about new sheets.  I'm talking about having enough dimes and quarters to buy them from garage sales, etc. 

I'm so done, my friends.  I must go away because I can't deal with this.  I don't understand how our society can be so cruel.  They run off the assumption that we're all just losers and are poor because we're lazy.

Did you know?  One of our houses has half a roof.  Half a roof, because the city wanted us to fix it last year.  We've done so much work and every f'ng dime we could went into the materials.   It's so totally unsafe for him to be up there by himself working on that roof, but he has until the weather wouldn't allow him to.  This is horrible.  We're caught between the city demanding us to pretend we're not poor and the state who thinks we're just too dam lazy for our own good and all we really want to to have some decent underwear and socks and a full range of nutritional items for which to sustain us.  For now, it's mostly ramen noodles and mac and cheese. 

OMG  I so want to die.  I just want to die.  You won't believe me when I told you the questions they ask at the hearings.  They nit pick on his personal behaviors and things that they don't have a right to.  He/we are subject to utter humility to get through this process, all the while we were willingly allowing tax returns to accrue to pay this off.

HE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS.  HE COULD HAVE GONE IN AND CHANGED HIS W4 and withheld more.  OMG  I JUST WANT TO DIE.

THE YEARS I DID WORK, I REFUSED TO FILE INJURED SPOUSE SO THE STATE WOULDN'T TAKE MY PART OF THE TAX RETURN.  I JUST WANTED THEM TO BE PAID. 

I JUST WANT TO DIE, PEOPLE.  ALL WE NEED IS A F'N GULAG.  HOW CAN WE EVER GET BETTER IF THIS IS LIFE?  THERE'S NO JUSTICE. NO END TO MISERY, NO END TO CRUELTY. 

And now, when I need it the most I cannot take my kids to that children's ministry for the free kids dinner they provide because the pastor wasn't happy that I didn't jump and shout for the lord when he expected me to. 

SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHY I'M ALIVE??

eDIT; Trying to reach financial stability with Mattie's skills is off the table.  The state department's overreach is too powerful.  They'll shut down the accounts. 

Edit Again:  I forgot to add:  We drive for 2 hours to the meeting today in the one remaining vehicle that runs.  It started making weird noises.  He looked and discovered the bellhousing unit was cracked.  We barely made it home, but we did. 

Note:  He's a mechanical genius.  It' snot like we have to shell out a * ton of money for labor and parts.  BUT INSPITE OF HIS HERCULEAN EFFORT TO WORK IN THE COLD WINTER AND HOT SUMMERS IN A WELDING SHOP AND FIX HIS VEHICLE HIMSELF AND FIX HIS ROOF BY HISSELF AND PUT UP WITH ME AND GET UP AND KEEP GOING EVERY DAY. 

HE'S BURIED WITH INJUSTICE.  END THE CHILD SUPPORT RACKET.  THE KIDS THAT THIS IS FOR ARE GROWN, THE STATE GETS THE MONEY PEOPLE.  PLEASE, TAKE THIS UNDER ADVISEMENT.  PEOPLE AT AS IF A FATHER DOESN'T DESERVE TO HAVE MORE KIDS BECAUSE HE'S FORCED TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT WHILE THE MOTHERS CAN JUST KEEP ON HAVING BABIES.  I'M SORRY, THIS IS MY PERSPECTIVE.  I'M HURT BY THIS.  MY KIDS ARE HURT BY THIS.  MY KIDS SUFFER.  WE'RE PERSECUTED AND I NEVER EVER WANT TO SEE HIS KIDS AGAIN.  THEY MEAN NOTHING BUT PAIN TO ME AND IT'S THE STATE'S FAULT, IT'S SOCIETY'S FAULT FOR BEING SO CRUEL. 

Rant over.

Bye

[sanmagic7]

i wish there was something i could say or do to help.  all i've got is love to give you and a big hug.   

[DecimalRocket]

Oh boy, Paperclip. That's a tough one, to say the least. A horribly-terrible-excruciating-painful-frustrating thing to happen. I live in a country full of poverty, and while I'm not poor myself, I've had friends who were less fortunate and grew up with much of school curriculum taking about the poverty in the country.

I didn't believe it when I heard that in many richer countries, they blame their poor. Jeez. What a way to make their lives even worse. In my experience between the intersection of the rich and the poor here, you can't generalize like that. There are disciplined and lazy people in all sorts of financial backgrounds as people are all different.

Some people are rigid in their views to affect other people like this. Not even hearing them out like you, even when you pretty much sound like you work your butt off all the time. Over here, there are people here who actually take advantage of what the government gives without working hard for it, but even then, I don't think the solution for this is to abandon them their basic needs. That's going too far.

I don't want to push too far or force you some advice, but maybe the solution isn't just to work on your financial skills, but also to research online about what you can on more persuasive skills. I've learned a lot from people like writers who had to find more than 50 people to publish their book, salesmen and women who get stuck with the most intimidating people to ask for, or social activists who have multiple people against them. Hey, maybe it'd help, but who knows?

Anyway, take care. Here's a  if that's okay. I'm cheering you and your family on.