It wasn't my fault . . . was it? ! TRIGGER WARNING !

[CrashPhenomena]

!! TRIGGER WARNING !!

So, I come from a really dark past. But through my time in the trafficking industry I had one friend who tried to escape with me. But when we got caught her last words to me were "help me" and I couldn't and her life was taken. Currently, I hallucinate and I see her as a demonic ghost-like figure. She's like that creature from the movie "Mama" but with some minor changes. But I know it's her and its as if she is haunting me. I've been told I need to talk to her or touch her, but any time I do either, I wake up on the floor in a random spot in my house. Its like my mind is punishing me for something I couldn't help. Of course I feel guilty, but I cannot fight a bullet. One of my biggest symptoms of C-PTSD is the hallucinating, i'm not quite sure what to do or where to look.

[Three Roses]

It is most definitely NOT I repeat NOT your fault! And I think this is something you may need a therapist to guide you through.

If you can reverse the roles though, and she were the one to make it through that unspeakably horrible violence, what would you say to her if you could?

This is not your fault, not your doing, it was caused by the evil that imprisoned you. You made it out, you're here and I for one am glad, ecstatic, thrilled, overjoyed that you are still alive!  And I'm going out on a limb here and say that if your friend could tell you, she'd say she was glad you beat those .... we're not supposed to call names here and so I can't come up with a word for them that works but I bet your friend would be thankful you got out of there.

[LearnToLoveTheRide]

It wasn't your fault.

No, definitely NOT your fault.

You are the survivor of a very vicious practice being perpetrated across the globe by evil people. These people in their own right are very sick and global organizations are working tirelessly to eradicate this practice.

But you need some professional help dealing with your emotional adaptation to this incident.

Perhaps there are people on the forum that can provide you with links to local and global organizations that focus on survivor recovery.

The murder of your friend was not your fault. You are only responsible for how you move forward, recover and thrive.

Peace. LTLTR

[ah]

Hi CrashPhenomena,

No, it absolutely wasn't your fault.

I've been in situations that were a little similar. Can't elaborate because some things are ongoing. But this is just to say... that from what I've gone through, I can completely understand how devastatingly hard it is to be so helpless.

When I feel a really strong need to help others but I can't, it can really break me in ways nothing else can. It's like two powerful forces are at war inside my body and mind. Circumstances on the one hand (and being helpless) and my very strong need to change circumstances on the other, it's like a huge clash inside me.

Maybe in a way, the anger I feel toward myself "protects" me (ironically, but it does somehow) from really fully feeling the effects of violence toward me, but violence toward others is much harder for me to tolerate. I forget my helplessness when it's directed at others.

And for me, survivors' guilt can bring on a tricky pain too. Being in a good place, feeling better, those things can be triggering.
I feel better and then, paradoxically, doing better can leave parts of me feeling worse and confused.

And feeling good can be a new, unfamiliar skill. One that requires learning to relax, being kind to ourselves... things that we may not have needed to learn in a life or death situation.

So I can really feel how painful it can be for you.

I think what Three Roses suggested is very wise. Maybe... if you can reverse the roles, and she were the one to make it through that unspeakably horrible violence, what would you say to her if you could?

And, if you can reverse the roles, and she were the one to make it through that unspeakably horrible violence, what would she say to you if she saw you? What would you answer her?

I'm very glad you're here, too.

[sanmagic7]

not your fault, not one bit.

i think the role reversal suggested might be a positive step to take.  i also think a good therapist would be another.

that this continues in the world is unspeakably horrible to my mind.  i'm sorry you went thru this, i'm very glad you made it out.  that guilt rightfully belongs to the perpetrators, not to the survivors.  not always so easy to get out from under it, tho.  sending a hug full of self-compassion and care.