ajvander86's Recovery Journal

[ajvander86]

Hi all,

So I thought it might be a good idea for me to start a recovery journal/journal in general to be able to get my feelings out there and share my process of recovery.  This is my first post and I'm not exactly sure what 'can' and 'can't' be posted in here, I would just like to keep a daily journal anyway regardless if I'm talking about recovery.

So it's February 23rd 2018 and I'm feeling angry, irritated, alone and fed up.  I'm 31 years old and rent a room from someone and I have no contact with my family, as they are quite abusive and toxic and don't do anything for my wellbeing. 

I have very little money as it's difficult for me to hold down a major career esque type of job and so I work two low paying jobs that allow me to have little stress and little interaction with others. 

I have no support emotionally or financially and have few friends so I definitely fall into the frozen and isolated category of those with cptsd.  I am working my recovery and have some tools I'm using to do so, but it's hard when I'm having to work around the clock and almost have no days off just to keep my head above water. 

Out of the storm is a huge help for me.  I found it as a result of discovering out of the fog and feeling a huge relief at finally knowing what is going on with my mother.  I am the scapegoat of my mother and family and so they all see me as just some troubled guy who has no respect or something. 

But the fact is I'm generally reserved and quiet, I've always gotten good grades in school until I had a nervous breakdown in high school due to the high levels of stress at home and at school and not realizing how insanely high the abuse was that was going on in my home.  And I've also been solutions minded you know.  I've always been interested in learning how to heal emotionally and in regard to spiritual growth.  My family really hated that too because they are the type of people that love to blame others but never take responsibility for their own behavior. 

I'm currently working on a couple of online businesses that I found were helpful for people with cptsd (not advertising my business in here just mentioning I'm working on one) and so I'm excited about the opportunity that this is affording me to be able to feel like a 'real person' who is contributing to society you know.  I've always felt like such a loser because I've been held back in so many areas by cptsd. 

But of course once I learned about cptsd and what it is I started to take it easy on myself more and have some more patience and compassion with myself and in where I am in my life right now. 

Honestly at this point in time all I want is to have a decent income coming in so I can focus even more on my healing and in being on my own completely (not having roommates or renting rooms from anyone).

I just want to focus on healing and growing in love and joy and processing through all my emotions buried inside, along with learning how to have healthy intimate relationships with people and not being so isolated.  I have absolutely no interest in ever seeing any member of my family ever again as it's honestly been nothing but * and chaos my whole life.  I just want peace and quiet and to enjoy the rest of my life. 

Currently I work at night and don't have a girlfriend or any kids so it's really just me trying to survive in the world, and hopefully one day soon start to thrive. 

Grateful for this forum and community, until tomorrow. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, aj, glad you decided to keep a journal.  there's a blurb about what's ok or not about journaling on the site.  it's pretty lenient - basically, language and graphic details, and let people know if there's possibly triggering stuff (*TW*).

i'm renting a room from someone as well.  not my first choice, but apts. are out of my price range.  first time i've done this.  it's ok - at least i'm not homeless, and the other renters are nice, so that's ok, too.  i hear ya about finances - i'm quite a bit older than you (70) so making do with soc. sec.

i'm also nc with most of my family - one daughter and one bro are ok.  as much as it sucks not to have the 'family' thing going on, it's been a relief to get out from under the abuse.  sounds like you think so, too.  i give you a lot of credit for being able to recognize that the chaos and pain are not good for you.  well done.

this forum has been one of the best things to happen to me in my life.  i hope you find the support and community here that works for you.  best to you on your continuing recovery.  we're all in this together.  big hug, if you want it.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi there ajvander.

Not having enough money is tough. Growing up, my school required us students to have community service trips to all kind of disadvantaged communities. Orphanages, the sick, and so on. They all needed some kind of financial security to keep their lives running well.

They say money doesn't give you happiness. But while being extremely wealthy doesn't mean you're happy, having at least some basic needs allow people to have more security in their lives. Lacking security there is also a type of trauma too after all.

I won't promise everything would be okay, but I promise that OOTS will be around to hold your hand through the way.

Take care.