Must, must See---4 stages of codependency recovery.

marycontrary · February 03, 2015, 04:55:34 PM

Ross Rosenberg has this awesome, very helpful paradigm that describes the very concrete, tough stages of recovery. I find this really helpful and fascinating. Let me know what you think.

Short version
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ytq51GMsd8w

Long version
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMPaKJfrZrA

fairyslipper · February 04, 2015, 07:05:49 AM

Just watched the short version and thought it was excellent. Thank you for sharing the link. I really enjoy Ross Rosenberg's work. This video really spells out what to expect which is so nice......letting you know that when you are experiencing it that it is ok and part of the process. I plan to watch the longer version too. Do you by chance have his new book? I would love to know your thoughts on it if you do. Thanks!

Butterfly · February 04, 2015, 11:15:01 AM

Excellent. Thank you.

schrödinger's cat · February 04, 2015, 11:52:29 AM

Haven't watched it all through yet, but it looks very promising. Thanks for the link!

marycontrary · February 04, 2015, 11:54:52 AM

So glad you guys like! I do not have his book, but I understand it is very helpful. However if you google his name and "youtube" he covers all the info you would read in his videos. I never had anybody clarify codependency like he did. Good stuff!

marycontrary · February 04, 2015, 12:06:09 PM

The thing I like is that he warns the person in recovery that when they set boundaries, they will be attacked by everybody around them. This exactly parallels my experience. A person will be attacked and raged at like a pack of animals.

As you keep holding the fair and humane boundaries, one will lose the people who truly do not love them...who were only with them for a one sided selfish relationship. This could be parents, spouse, children, best friends since childhood...etc.

This totally describes the "underside" of recovery. You will be abandoned, but these were people who never loved you anyway.

As you keep holding boundaries, you will see who your true loved ones are, and you will attract more healthy, satisfying new relationships.

I think the whole 4 step takes around 1-2 years.

I would say that all of the close family and friends I have left are extremely rewarding and kind people. No betrayals. No games.

Rrecovery · February 04, 2015, 02:10:06 PM

I experienced these stages. When I set even the most reasonable boundaries they were violated and when I complained I was attacked. I also reached a point where I decided to modify my giving to mirror what I received from others. I realized I got nothing from others - I had been doing all the initiating and giving! When I stopped - I felt very alone for a while, it was excruciating. These days I'm making healthier connections. I have very few and at times I still feel very lonely, but the people coming slowly into my life respect boundaries, initiate and give

marycontrary · February 06, 2015, 02:15:40 PM

R, isn't this phenomenon bizarre? Simply requesting humane courtesies unleashes wrath that would make Jesus cringe.

I still don't get it, but it is a pattern that happen when your wrapped up with selfish, no damned good people. Keep up the good work!

Rrecovery · February 07, 2015, 02:46:20 PM

Quote from: marycontrary on February 06, 2015, 02:15:40 PM
R, isn't this phenomenon bizarre? Simply requesting humane courtesies unleashes wrath that would make Jesus cringe.

I still don't get it, but it is a pattern that happen when your wrapped up with selfish, no damned good people. Keep up the good work!

Thank you!

Dutch Uncle · January 04, 2016, 09:25:04 AM

Quote from: marycontrary on February 03, 2015, 04:55:34 PM
Ross Rosenberg has this awesome, very helpful paradigm that describes the very concrete, tough stages of recovery. I find this really helpful and fascinating. Let me know what you think.

Short version
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ytq51GMsd8w

I just watched this, and it makes me hopeful.
I have decided to focus on my codependency this month, as last X-mas has been a breakthrough of sorts for me. One the one hand I have made progress already (by staying a way from my codependent/dysfunctional FOO) but at the same time I discovered how strong the pull to get back in line still is. Both in an external pull (by 'them') as well as internal one ("How can I be so harsh on them?").
On New Years Eve my sister-in-law started to pull on me, texted me she wanted a meeting, and I told her "Sorry, can't do."
That's al I typed. First I thought: "I can't tell her that on New Years Eve! What a way to start the New Year for her like that!" (Guilt!) but then I thought: "What the heck. I might as well tell her now and get it off my back. Why would I carry this not-so-nice message with me into the new year? I'm 100% sure I can't meet her! And I know for sure as well can't tell her the why either, as she and my brother have a dysfunctional family of their own that is as horrible (if not worse) as my FOO and I couldn't possibly explain that or say that in her face."

I must admit I still feel conflicted about it, and I know (consciously, reasonably) it's my codependent conditioning kicking in here. My gut (emotion) tells me: "She deserves help! You're abandoning her. She needs you! You are the only one in the family that actually has a grip on the dynamics!"
But A): she probably doesn't (and/or doesn't want to), and B) It's more my need to be needed in this case: the Obligation that I was taugh to be "The Fixer", "the Rescuer". C) I actually don't have a grip on it at all. I'm just coming Out of the FOG for crying out loud.

Bro and SiL can 'rescue' themselves, if they even feel something is amiss, and I should "fix" (=ditch) my codependent traits.
And one good 'tool' in this is: stay away from their dysfunctional family. Disengage, Detach, Defect.

As per the video: I think I'm well into stage two (It took me more time, which is fine with me. This is not a race where I need to get an "A" or a medal

). I'm looking forward to stage 3 and 4. Whenever they arrive.

edit: I just watched the other (longer) one too. It has some good charts on what to experience in each of the four stages. I must say: stages one and two have been spot on.
Very useful recourses, these videos.

pam · January 29, 2016, 10:17:11 PM

I watched the short version. Wow, it reminded me of my manipulative/threatening grandmother. Nice to recognize that so that I can continue with NC. Sometimes guilt comes in and tries to get me to change my mind.

Not sure if this applies to me and my father who I have only email contact with. He's been so nice in recent yrs that I not sure anymore if he's a narcissist anymore. He was abusive and very neglecting, even tho I lived with him. I haven't forgiven him, and he never apologized. I am alwasy triggered by him, every..single...time. Limited contact is safest for me I guess.

Love watching videos--so much better than reading, lol.