Healing---blow by blow description of what is happening inside

[marycontrary]

Hey amigos.

In the last several weeks, I think I have experienced a quantum leap in my recovery. When I say this, I mean that I feel my brain function has changed for the better. I wanted to document this, as maybe you guys might experience similar phenomenon.

1. Frontal lobe---dorsal lateral better functioning

For about 3 years, my concentration totally went to the toilet. Really, it was an off and on issue  a big part of my life. But 3 years ago, it was like I had a head injury or a stroke in that region, functioning was so bad.  Still did a lot of stuff, but it took 3-4x as long. To clean my RV in Texas out, and to go through modest paperwork----there was not that much stuff----it took about a month of excruciating hard work. Guys, there was hardly anything...should have not been much more than an afternoon. Maybe 2 days. Taxes for my modest income took 3 weeks---should not have been more than an afternoon. Planning to go to the store, take care of bill, wash clothes...took monumental planning. Taking a shower took a lot of planning. Did not go forward with plans with my business because the execution of simple actions was too much.

It took everything I had to just basically function.

Well several weeks ago, I started realizing that TIME was passing more slowly, and that hard crappy stuff that took a lot of concentration got done in a jiffy. I rebuilt a large website in a week and completely planned the SEO (a marketing plan), and have executed it. I fixed a lot of boring-to-fix errors on the website that took years to get to.

The gawd awful ADD like symptoms seem to be abating. Oh, let's keep our fingers crossed.
2. More dorsal lateral frontal lobe

Clarity. I found myself not dissociating as much, so I am able to pay better attention to details

3. Easier time with emotional regulation.---Ventral lateral frontal lobe, amygdala, and sympathetic nervous system (SNS)coordination
AKA, EFs. Oh God, my heart goes out to all of you guys with this one. Though they were getting a lot better, they were still debilitating.
I started having these dreams about people that should have spun into nightmares. But they did not. So what happen was that the SNS did not reflexively kick in and start causing the awful EFs.

When my now ex boyfriend would start acting up, I found that it was much less uncomfortable than before. Again, my SNS fight or flight response trigger seems to be much less sensitive. Again, this is the gut clenching physical agony part most of us have.

4.  Grieving
I had to put down my little feral kitty, break up with my boyfriend, and move suddenly in one month. Plus, be exposed to his (my exe's) dysregulation. Normally the grieving is so bad and so god awful painful, that I would rather be dead at that moment. With better frontal lobe function, and less painful SNS response, it feels like a regular grieving.  Sure, I bust out into crying a lot of times these last few days. Sure, I have lost everything and have no anchor. But the little reminders of the small good things keep popping up, again reminding me that my physical brain is functioning better.

5. Declarative (or verbal) memory.
The hippocampus, responsible for bring memories to words and narratives is definitely coming back on line. I have been able to better articulate myself at all levels. I can form narratives much better, and have the feeling component layered cohesively without it going blank or into an emotional flashback as often.

I wanted to share this with you, as I was really beginning to wonder after 3years if the damage was not permenant. I
really felt like a disabled person.

This is what I has to do
Curing the thyroid disease was probably the straw that made all the pieces finally start coming together. I had to cut dairy and coffee out cold turkey. Drank 6-8 cups a day.

No gluten (6 years)
No TV
Very few movies
No gaming system
Minimal processed food
Walk 4-9 miles a day (give or take)
Minimal makeup...realized I have big reactions to a lot of it
care with soaps and exposure to cleaning agents
No artificial fragrances.
Get up at 5 or earlier in the morning to work
Very few late nights.
No frivolous shopping.
No frivolous, manipulating people or situations.
NO MEDICATION


Abiding by these 4 boundaries.
Distance from
1. People with lying issues
2. People with addiction issues
3. People he have problems processing empathy (BIGGGG ONE)
4. People (including the elderly) that have issues with reckless behavior.

We will see if this keeps working....I hope to god it is not a blip.

All of you I DEEPLY WANT TO THANK.


 

[fairyslipper]

 

This is all such great news and so encouraging. I am very happy for you that you have had so many positive changes in your living and processing. I can relate to some of what you are saying yes,  but not as BIG yet, so your post gives me a lot of hope! It sounds like you really have a great handle on all of it with your boundaries and list of things you need to do. Your boundaries are EXCELLENT. This is so inspiring to read and I wish nothing but the BEST for you.

[marycontrary]

Fairy, you are too sweet! 

I wanted to document this for our buddies here on the board so they would know what how the steps are occurring for me. Everybody has a different footprint....hopefully not the allergies to food I have....but everybody has these irritating, maybe non obvious trigger points, like violent movies, games, etc. Little things that is a private fingerprint that needs to be looked at and attended to.

I am glad this is helpful.

[C.]

Mary we think along such similar lines at times.  I love the scientific brain description of your experience.  I find that balance between artistic expression and scientific explanation incredibly helpful and anchoring.  It sounds to me like you are finding an anchor in your own heart.  That is the gift that we all hope to find.  Like these recent hardships have helped you to find and hoist that anchor.  That you are and will be ok.  How exhilarating!  Cheers cheers and cheers!
   
Your analysis helps me to understand and reflect on myself as well.  I sooooo identify with the time description that you mention.  Three years ago right after my mental "break" everything took so long and it seemed normal...to follow the sequence of getting up, showering and eating breakfast literally took me two hours...it's like at each step I'd have to stop and contemplate, lotion now or shower gel?  Where's the bathroom?  Which faucet is hot water?   Lol  strange, but true.  The person who'd spent hours per day reading dense, complicated literature couldn't read a couple sentences in a magazine.  Forms took me hours and sometimes I simply asked for help preferring to do things verbally.  Like you mention on the paperwork simply figuring out how to have a telephone services and internet in my new home was all I could handle for a couple months...

These hardships remind me of a poem/prose that is attributed to Rumi.  He describes the "lover" in search of his (her) beloved (romantic, Faith, her own heart or soul?).  She is searching and searching, following a pathway to a fortressed city.  When she arrives and believes she's finally close to her beloved the night watchman appears and chases her away.  But by being "chased" by this cruel person she indeed stumbles upon her beloved.  Asi es la vida a veces, verdad?

Thank you for including us on your journey and being such a support for ours.

C.

[marycontrary]

Oh C., thanks so much! You see how so important it is to protect our memory and frontal lobe centers. When strokes or head injuries happen in these areas, it is catastrophic and renders the person disabled most of the time.

I will say this. As we SLLLLoOOOwly recover our brain function, this is a good excuse to never allow ourselves to undergo this trauma ever again. There is nothing, or nobody, who is worth undergoing brain damage and the dicey, hugely expensive (all forms of emotional and financial cost) recovery experience. Personally, I think I have spent my 8th cat life getting to this point, and I don't have it in me to do this all over again. I don't think a lot of us here can.

Remember, people like us like statistically 20 years less than non CPTSD people. And recovery is such a bear. Again, thanks so much and keep at it.