Emotional flashback or BPD? (BIG trigger warning)

[lyricalliv13]

Everyone I talked to in the ER says that since I'm asking if I have BPD I probably don't have it, as people with that disorder generally refuse to take responsibility for their actions or wonder whether or not they have it. But when I look around on the internet for answers, it seems like asking if you have BPD may not necessarily mean you definitely don't have it.

I had an episode recently and I'm wondering if this is just another symptom of CPTSD or if maybe I need to seek treatment for what my Mom had.

I actually don't even remember the entire day. I was running on one hour of sleep, so that probably didn't help. I came home kind of depressed, took a nap, then decided to sleep the whole night instead of doing work I needed to do. My Dad came home, and I tried to talk to him about what I felt. I felt like he wasn't listening, we had a fight, and at some point I was talking to my sisters about it on the internet when he cut off the wifi and wouldn't turn it back on. And then I flew into a rage. I threw things, walked out, walked back in again. I went out in the back and hit a tree with one of those swiffer mops, breaking it into four pieces. I came back in and I wasn't satisfied, and so I just gave in and started throwing things and screaming. I blamed him, called him names, threatened to kill myself and screamed at the top of my lungs.

My parents say that's just me mimicking her behavior. A nurse suggested BD. I don't know what to think anymore, other than that I was just like my mother in every way.

I remember kind of why I snapped. I remember that talking to my sisters was helping a little, at least to me at the time, and I really didn't want to have to sit in my room all night with the feelings I had. And I guess that being trapped with my own emotional stuff made me fly into a rage instead.

I did that with my mother a lot, which is part of why it makes it really hard sometimes to believe that she was the abusive one and not me. I only believe that now because everyone is saying she was. And when I think really hard, I do remember her snapping first and for no reason. I remember all the violence and everything.

Although... even if I had talked to my sisters about it, I probably still would have been adamant that he wasn't listening. Maybe he wasn't, but he was trying. It's not like he doesn't care. I don't know anymore. I don't know.

It would be easy to convince myself I just have CPTSD and go with that, but if there's a chance that I have what my mom has I want to know. I don't want to be like her. I really, really don't. I went out of my way after that night to tell my parents it wasn't them, that it was me and whatever issues I might be dealing with doesn't excuse what I did. I explained to them that their feelings are valid because my mom didn't do that for me whenever she'd lose it. I told them that it wasn't their fault in any way, and I just want to say it over and over. It wasn't them. It was me. It feels really good taking responsibility for what I did because at least in that sense I'm not anything like her.

Please guys, I need honest opinions. I really, really overreacted. I threw things, I screamed and was really manipulative. And I don't know why. I don't know how something so small could have triggered me to do that. The people I've asked say I don't have BPD but I don't understand why I did what I did. If I have CPTSD, why did I act just like my mom? This isn't the first time, either. I've done these sort of things for my whole life, it's just that it's been years since an outburst like this.

[Dee]

It sounds like CPTSD.  Affect dysregulation is a symptom of CPTSD.  Snapping, overacting, and unable to regulate oneself are all things that I have done.  Moreover, you took responsibility for your actions.  It took my a long time to be able to regulate my emotions and I still have trouble sometimes.  I had to learn distress tolerance from a therapist.

[sanmagic7]

i'll agree with the others that usually people who have personality disorders aren't curious to find out if they do. 

i've gone into rages only a few times in my life, but i believe they were caused by the straw that broke my back.  so many times i'd tolerated, absorbed, been patient with the behavior of others, and one time was one time too many, and i'd snap.  very unlike me to do that sort of thing.

if you're taking responsibility for your actions, apologizing and such, and your mom didn't do that, then i think that's all the evidence you need to know that you're not like her, and you can be at peace with that.  and, yes, emotional regulation usually has to be learned.  when we've been traumatized, and others' emotional outbursts have been part of our traumatization,  we don't learn how to respond appropriately with our emotions.

thanks for posting.  learning about your emotions and how to deal with them is do-able.  you've already taken a step toward doing just that.  big hug.

[Sceal]

I have mixed personality disorder AND cPTSD. I don't usually talk about that, because it's stigmatizing. I get put in a box quite quickly that I feel I don't belong in. I disagree with San, that those of us who has PD's aren't curious about what's happening, why we are different. Why things doesn't add up. ( I'm sorry San, I really hate to disagree with you. It scares the * out of me, and I hope you're not mad )

My point is, it is possible that you have both. And it's possible only one of them. But none of us can diagnose you, only a highly trained professional can, and should. I was misdiagnosed with BPD for a decade before they listened to me when I said it didn't fit. It wasn't true. That was a label that didn't belong to me. And it was painful walking around being judged after a set of criteria that didn't fit me, and I would hate for that to happen to you too. It is also very painful to walk around not being recognized for who we are and what we are struggling with.  If you can, ask for professional help. Ask to be diagnosed, and ask for treatment.

We all feel pain, and it hurts everyone just as much.

I'm sending you the best of thoughts, and I hope you'll figure it out.

[DecimalRocket]

Geez, that sounds tough. Confusion can make all the worst scenarios seem much more terrible. Thanks for being here.

I don't have any personal experience with BPD, but I'm pretty talented at finding accurate info and research.

Well, I also disagree with the others saying BPD people can't be aware of their disorder. If you search for BPD personal stories on google, you immediately find thousands of people who are aware of their own situation.

What's the point of BPD treatment existing if there are no people with BPD asking for help? Why would therapists bother to study BPD if there's no one to help — they'd get bankrupt and stuck in poverty otherwise.

I've researched with personality disorders deeply for months before and yes, there's often the case where they won't admit it, but there will be people who do. I even found cases where narcissists are self aware.

If you get the sense that you have the symptoms, then please trust to look into it more. I'm not saying you have it, but it may be possible. Be careful with one of the greatest researching mistakes — comfirmation bias — where you look in only one side of the argument. Find symptoms you have by observing your life with a fresh eye and possible ways you can be mistaken for something else by studying the difference between different concepts.

Start with gathering information you're most certain of to ground your information then sliding down to the more uncertain ideas one by one. When every possibly explored is certainly false, what's left must be the truth.

Well, good luck. These are just suggestions — so no pressure. Take care.

[sanmagic7]

sceal, i'm not mad at all.  that's why i put the word 'usually'.  having had several npd's in my life was my reference.  none of them have looked at what's truly going on with them.

bi-polar disorder, and borderline personality disorder sometimes get mixed up, too.  i know that lots of people with bi-polar are aware and curious and wanting to heal from it.    it's not a personality disorder, tho.  pd's go to the core of the person and are usually very well defended (there's that word 'usually' again), so they often don't truly look at themselves and what's going on with their lives.

that's just my experience, tho.

these labels and diagnoses can be difficult to come to correctly, and often subsequent t's will look at them and take them for gospel instead of exploring with the individual what's really there, what signs to look for, how to recognize strengths, but also how to recognize coverups.   sorry you've gone thru such a mishmash, sceal.

i'm not too fond of the labels myself.  i'm glad to have discovered c-ptsd as it's the only thing that has truly fit for me and all my symptoms.  lyrical, if you recognize your symptoms as something you want to explore, resolve, and heal from, i personally think that's the most important.  it's part of the reason why it's not always a good thing for us to compare ourselves to others.

you are you, not your mother.   you are looking for help - that's what counts.  i'm thankful for that for you.  big hug.