irrational thoughts regarding dead abuser, mild ref to CSA TW

Started by Dee, February 27, 2018, 09:57:45 PM

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Dee


vague reference to CSA.

I finally told my therapist today about my irrational thoughts about my father, who has passed away almost a year ago.  I start to wonder if people can really see you once they have died.  Then it goes on to can he see me right now?  Then to is he staring at me while I shower or change or anything of that sort.  I tell myself that this is irrational, he isn't watching me.  I do that as I hide under multiple layers of blankets. 

She said to challenge the thoughts.  To say out loud that my thoughts are irrational.

I'm just wondering, am I the only one who gets a little crazy like this?  I feel kind of crazy.

sanmagic7

dee, i think we are more sane than we can ever believe.  the fact that we attempt to live sanely through such insane situations is what makes us feel crazy.  feel, not be.

we've lived thru the totally irrational over and over and have made it out to the other side.  if you believe in heaven, and that people who have loved us go to heaven and smile down upon us, that can only mean that they were good people.  those people who have abused us would not get that privilege.

there are so many beliefs about the afterlife that i think we can pick and choose which ones of those work for us.  kind of like the concept of god.  so individual, so personal.   i agree with your t that you are welcome to challenge the idea of your father stalking you from the afterlife.  i don't believe he would have the honor to have anything else to do with your life.

calm and peace to you, dee, in mind and soul.

Three Roses

I experienced this after my mom died. Every time I caught myself doing something I knew she would disapprove of, I became fearful and ashamed. I know that's not the same kind of discomfort you're experiencing, I'm just saying I think it's fairly common.

I do believe in an afterlife. I believe we are transformed there by indescribable love, and that we will feel a breadth of love for everyone and everything that our now human minds can't comprehend. But that's just me.

Spirituality is different than religion. I think we can believe whatever makes us better able to move though our days here, in healing.

ah

I think you're very sane and what you're feeling makes perfect sense.

I'm leaving spirituality and the afterlife out of my reply not because they're not fascinating topics, they're beyond fascinating. But I thought what Three Roses and Sanmagic said was so appropriate and complete I won't try to add anything to it, I'll try to think how I felt in a really similar situation.

I felt something very similar, it felt as though in dying I imagined my abusers becoming more powerful than they were when they were alive. With power to look at me, to invade my space and privacy in ways I'd never allow if they were still alive, as though in dying they became all powerful again like they were in the past.
I know how paralyzing it can be, like all your self soothing techniques don't apply because death is a different board game altogether, and you feel like everything might have changed. But they do apply. Every single thing you've been doing to help yourself and care for yourself is still there.
Being dead doesn't enlarge him, it diminishes him. Can you imagine him gradually vanishing, like smoke in the wind? I imagined that over and over... and over... whenever I started feeling overwhelmed.

He's gone and I hope part of you can also feel relief. Who he was, what he was, all of that is finished in a way, his link with you is broken now, you're free of him. Really free now.
(At least, that's what I tell myself when I feel this way.)

Part of it is maybe the sadness, the awful finality of it.
As long as our abusers are still around there's the fantasy of rewriting our story with them. But death ends all that. No more rewrites, only hard earned recovery that you've accomplished all by yourself. Your strength doesn't come from him anymore and neither does your pain. It's your own. You choose who to share it with.


Dee



I have felt so crazy, so crazy that I haven't told anyone that this has been a thing until now.  Reading here has been a huge relief, huge.  I also appreciated that San wrote "stalking in the afterlife" because that was exactly how I felt and didn't have words for it.

Ah, yes, more powerful.  I like the imagery that you suggest to diminish the power.

Thanks 3R, I think that the feeling about your mom is in many ways the same.  It's a power thing.

It's a horrible thing to think that this time I really broke.  Knowing that I am not alone is very validating that I haven't.

the mirliton

Dee,
I come to this forum when I feel so utterly alone with my thoughts and feel so very tired of being me. I found a random penny today which always seems to push me away from my desire to want to work through my emotions and be kind to myself and not re-live the trauma(s) My father has also passed away and I have NEVER told anyone that I felt his dark energy surrounding/suffocating me. The penny represents something he told me before he died, and that was whenever I found one (on the ground or wherever) it would be to remind me that he would be watching me.  How's that for a parting farewell? Anyway I don't know where I was going with this post other than YES it does make the "penny reaction" not feel like I am totally crazy after reading your post. Thank you for sharing. For what it's worth, my crying has stopped (for now) and the "I am a mistake" thoughts are not quite as intense. I still will need the extra blankets tonight if I want to get some restful sleep.