Starting EMDR

[Libby183]

Hi Everybody.

I am still really reticent about starting a new thread, but felt that I should take the plunge!

I have had two sessions with an EMDR therapist, mainly focused on preparing for the actual treatment.  Yesterday it was all about breathing techniques and associated methods of coping with the actual treatment.  I actually feel a bit calmer already and quite hopeful.

Previously,  I have only had a course of CBT which was helpful but didn't really get to the core of why I feel so awful about myself, namely my abuse from entitled, narcissistic parents which I believe started from the day I was born.

Despite the therapists' reassurance that there is no judgement and no right or wrong way to "do" the treatment,  I still feel very anxious ; feel like I am being overly dramatic in seeking out this treatment ; undeserving ; that she already doesn't like me!  And so on.

I realise that these feelings are based on the negative messages about myself that I received from my parents,  and that the treatment is to process this and "leave it behind".  But that doesn't get rid of the anxiety.  I can hear my nm saying "don't be so silly!"  with regards to my being traumatised!

I sort of believe that this is my last hope of some relief of the pain and sadness I have had for as long as I can remember.  But I do have hope and would like to share some thoughts on the process, if that's OK with all of you.

Any advice,  ideas, reassurance or anything gratefully received!!

Libby

[Hope67]

Hi Libby,
I really think it's great that you've opened a thread to talk about your experience of starting EMDR, and I would like to wish you the best with this - and I hope very much that you will have lots of benefit from it.  I can completely understand your reticence and also your doubts about things - I have those things all the time, and it's horrible what the legacies of our past experiences leave us with, but I think it's good that you feel some hope and know that I and many others here will be standing with you  and your therapist sounds really good, reminding you that there is "no judgement and no right or wrong way to "do" the treatment" - glad you're feeing a bit calmer already - that sounds like a positive start.

to you Libby.

Hope 

[Eyessoblue]

Hi Libby, I've been having emdr for a few months now, it's been working well for me, the best piece of advice I can give you is to just to go with it and try not to have any preconceived ideas as to what it might be like or what might come up, emdr is very different for everyone and things you might not have thought of or remembered can come through.

Emdr can affect you physically too, I often have a headache come up or pain somewhere in my body, but this too can be processed.

It's important to be completely honest with the therapist and say exactly what/how you are feeling, sometimes nothing comes up and I just sit there blankly but this is ok too.

Emotional feelings can come up too and I often have a cry through the process and it's advisable to keep going with it even if you're really upset as you will process a lot quicker.

Afterwards you can feel quite 'spacey'/sleepy so it's recommended that you don't have any plans for the rest of the day and can go home and sleep, the more you sleep the better it is as your brain still re processing. The next day you can feel a bit groggy too, but within a couple of days you should start to feel clearer in your head like something has been lifted.

Don't be surprised as well if memories of things come up that you weren't remembering, this happens a lot with me or I remember people/places that I had completely forgotten. I have psychotherapy the week after my emdr and this is to me really helpful as I always want to find the answers for everything that's happened.

If you need to know anymore then please let me know, I was so scared about the whole process but it really is fine and you are in control the whole time. Good luck.

[sanmagic7]

hey, libby,

i'm an emdr therapist, and have great faith in it if it's done correctly.  so far it sounds like your t is being careful with you, setting you up to succeed by giving you such tools in preparation.  and, your t is absolutely correct - no matter what type of therapy it is, you cannot do therapy wrong.  you are the most important person in that office, you are in control, and your way of processing is what is best for you.

i don't know if your t mentioned journaling between sessions, but it is often suggested as, like eyessoblue mentioned, your brain will continue processing between sessions and you might remember things you hadn't thought about before or get insights/realizations about something.  always good to write those down and bring them to your next session.

another thing that might happen is that you may have strange dreams between sessions.  again, this is your brain processing, bringing stuff up from your subconscious.  if you remember them, you might also want to write them down.  anything that comes up between sessions might be something to explore with your t during your next session.

as esb also mentioned, the more honest you can be, the better for you and your processing.  sometimes things that you don't believe are important could actually have a huge impact when looked at from another perspective (that of your t).  another thing to remember is that the pacing of your therapy can be determined by you.  if you begin feeling overwhelmed, it may be going too fast for you.  let your t know so that you don't get re-traumatized.   

i believe this is a brave step for you, not only in doing such trauma therapy, but also in starting a thread about it.  i'd love to hear how it continues for you.

as far as your doubts about doing this, you absolutely deserve it.  you're not being dramatic in the least.  your trauma was real as are your wounds.  i believe this is one of the best ways to go about healing them.

does your t know you are suffering from c-ptsd - multiple layered traumas and not just ptsd?  i hope that's been established.  even some trauma t's don't recognize the difference.  that's why it's also important for you to adjust the pace if you feel it's going too fast or too much is coming up for you at one time. 

best to you with this, from my heart.  i hope this is a very positive experience for you and brings you healing and relief.  if you have any other questions, you're welcome to pm me, too.  lovely warm hug to you, libby.

[Libby183]

Thank you all so much for your supportive and helpful comments. It's really good to know that someone is on my side (thank you,  Hope), and that I have an EMDR therapist and someone who is experiencing the process that I can turn to with thoughts and questions. Your advice about what to expect was very reassuring. 

Next session,  we are going to be working on the time line of traumatic memories,  and I have started to prepare for that.

San, with regards to your question about cptsd versus ptsd, I am not sure. I am in the UK and have never really been officially diagnosed with anything. In my initial interview I said that I fully related to cptsd as I had all of the symptoms and learning about this it was the first time my life made sense. My therapist knows I had life long physical and emotional abuse, from our history taking session.  Do you advise discussing this further?  The NHS in the UK seems to avoid labels and diagnoses,  but maybe I should be clearer?

I will post about my next session and thank you all for listening and responding.  It means so much to me.

Libby.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi Libby, I am also in the uk and wasn't given an 'official diagnosis', but when my therapist talks about what happened to me she always refers to it as complex trauma and says I'm a classic PTSD case with additional complex needs!  The nhs at the moment don't recognise cptsd only ptsd but I believe that is about to change anytime now so hopefully they will look at the more 'complex' side of things.

[Libby183]

Thanks eyesofblue.

I thought you might be in the UK as well.

I think your therapist's description sounds very appropriate.  I did an assessment of impact of events, or something like that,  and had a score that confirmed ptsd, but she seemed to be taking account of the life long physical and emotional abuse as well.

Did you do a timeline of traumatic events and did it go back to before you could remember and verbalise things? Can't quite get my head around this, but am taking your advice and just going with the process.

Thanks for your advice and support.  It really is appreciated.

Libby.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi Libby
Yes I did do a timeline and started right from my earliest abuse memory which was when I was 3. But I have a picture in my mind of being a lot younger and seeing a fight between my parents whilst I'm strapped in a high chair, I'm too young to speak but can remember the feeling of being trapped and not being able to do anything, I could only have been about 2 or 2 and a half, this is the pre verbal time ( before we can speak) and is fixed on the pictures that have been kept in your brain. I haven't actually processed this in emdr, but I started on the first one aged 3 which I managed to clear really well, I still have the memory of it but it doesn't affect me now, I can now just look back and think oh yes that happened but have no feelings or actual memories attached to it now.

[sanmagic7]

libby, i think that if something gets uncomfortable for you, overwhelming, or your t  seems to be going too fast for you, that might be a time to tell her to stop, slow down, and then revisit the idea of layered/complex trauma causing you problems.  since you already mentioned it, and she knows about your history, i don't think you have to bring it up again unless there becomes a problem because of it.  for right now, just something to be aware of.

as long as she continues to go at a pace that you can tolerate, you should be fine.  and, always remember that you are the one who can slow that pace down if it goes too fast.  you do have power in the therapeutic relationship.  big hug, and i truly hope it goes well for you.

[Libby183]

Thank you San, that's really helpful. Both you and Eyesofblue have reassured me that I have given enough of the right sort of background,  if that makes sense.

I have my next session later today and we are due to do the time line of traumatic events.  I am very interested to find out the therapist's approach to very early events. There are three events,  from when I was five weeks old to three and a half years, that I don't remember,  but of which I have been told so many times, that I am sure I was originally traumatised by them, and was sort of re-traumatised each time they were told. My nm admits quite freely that the one that happened when I was three, was the basis of her extreme dislike of me.  Her final letter to me discussed it at great length as she saw it as justification of her treatment of me. It confirmed to her that I did not think she was good enough for me. It was the last thing she said to me on our last meeting. If this was still so raw for her, over forty years later, I think this must have played out very dramatically and been very upsetting for three year old me.

I am anxious but pleased to be finally dealing with these memories.

Thank you for listening,  and for your support.  Will keep you posted!!

Libby.

[Hope67]

Hi Libby,
Just wanted to say that I hope your session goes well today, and thinking of you.   
Hope 

[Libby183]

Thank you so much, Hope.  It's so good to know I have people supporting me.

Hoping that you have a good day, too.

Libby .

[Libby183]

EMDR session yesterday went really well.

I am always really anxious about these appointments, and yesterday,  after posting here,  I had what I can only describe as a funny turn!

After a bit, it came to me that,  probably for the first time,  I had genuinely got in touch with my inner child, when I had talked about how scared three and a half year old me must have been,  in this very significant event with my nm.

I told my therapist about it, and she reassured me it really was the start of reprocessing these very early,  traumatic memories.  She was completely accepting of my belief that the damage done to me was at a very young age and that my memories rely on the accounts I was given.  We agreed that all the other traumas stem from these early ones. When I told her of the story I was told many times of what happened when I was five weeks old, she immediately said that this played into my vomiting phobia and food issues.   Such a relief and validation.  I feel very hopeful for this treatment.

Oddly,  or not, I suspect,  by the time I got home, after a thirty minute drive, I was and still am in intense pain. Can barely move with back, abdominal and left leg and hip pain. Physical pain has always been a real feature of my cptsd but until now, it has always been right hip pain. It does make me wonder if this is linked to engaging a different part of the brain. The body really does keep the score - I feel I am living proof today!!  So, despite the pain,  I feel quite positive today,  and even quite accepting that doing what I need to do is going to be hard.

I wanted to share this with you all, because a combination of therapy and talking here seems to have brought about my first breakthrough.

Thank you for listening and helping.

Libby.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi Libby, really pleased it went well for you! Yes somatic symptoms are quite a normal part of emdr, I did a session on being strangled and could feel tightness around my neck, when I got home my neck was really aching and felt weird but it disappeared the next day. You can also re process physical symptoms during emdr, I quite often get a really bad headache if I'm talking about being hit on the head and my therapist tells me to go with the pain in my head and it does get processed and disappear. So don't be alarmed if anything else comes up. Just make sure you tell your therapist everything that comes up for you.

[Hope67]

Hi Libby,
I am so pleased to hear it went well for you, and that you're experiencing a break-through - in truely making some contact with your inner child - that is really positive to hear, and I am glad it's going well.
Hope that you are able to cope with the physical pain, that has emerged - wow, the Body keeps the score, definitely something powerful.
Anyway, just wanted to second what Eyessoblue said, and say I'm also pleased to see it went well. 
Take care,
Hope