Courageous Introduction

[GraciousJoy]

Hi everybody, I'm new here.  I'm a bit worried if this website applies to me, because I've hardly had any problems remembering where in my past my fears originated from.  I'm scared to post anything on this website, even though I've looked through it, and there's supposed to be supportive people on here.  I've just been rejected and hurt so many times that I wonder if I'm going to get booted off for anything I do, even though I'm not doing anything wrong.  It sounds like so many of you have been to therapists, how does that work, how helpful is it?  Here's hoping that this website will give me some of the support and encouragement I need to continue healing and growing in self-confidence. 

Sincerely,

GraciousJoy

[Milarepa]

Hey Gracious! Welcome! You will definitely find a lot of supportive people here and good perspective. Since you didn't go into detail about your trauma and its aftermath, it's hard to know if this is exactly the right place for you; but I can tell you that therapy is good for everyone, whether they have any form of PTSD or not. The key is finding the right therapist, someone who gets your unique worldview, is aligned with your goals for treatment, and sees you as a human being instead of a diagnosis.

Looking forward to hearing more from you. 

[GraciousJoy]

Possible Trigger Warning
What I'm about to describe isn't nearly as bad as the graphic detail I could go into, it's just a short summary of what I've been through.

Sorry, I just noticed that I didn't delve into my past at all after I posted my introduction.  I know I don't have PTSD, because PTSD surrounds one traumatic experience, and I've had more than one traumatic experience.  Is it possible to have PTSD for more than one traumatic experience?  This is why I wonder if this website is the right place for me.

To make a long story short, I was born three months premature at a time the medicine now used to treat babies with underdeveloped lungs was being tested, so I was born with COPD.  Growing up with a physical disability in a high altitude surrounded by people who think the physical disability is a mental incapability despite the fact that an IQ test years before proved that I had normal intelligence was hard enough, what with getting socially rejected all the time because I was much less carefree and much more serious than my peers around me.  The oxygen cannula I wore when I was four didn't help matters, either.  I've been socially rejected all my life, so I very quickly got used to being left out, even though it still hurts.  This is one of the reasons why I struggle with interacting in small groups, I usually became the outsider in those groups very quickly growing up.  The less I socialized with people, the more anxious I became when I had to socialize.  I still keep my guard up and avoid small groups whenever possible.  It's still a struggle, but I'm working on improving this part of myself.

To make matters worse, I have dyscalculia, which means that I struggle greatly with math, which I wasn't diagnosed with until I was in college.  My dyscalculia caused a lot of frustration for my parents and teachers over the years, as well as myself.  My dad insisted that he help me with math homework, as he was the best at math, and struggled with it, too.  Neither of my parents nor my other relatives knew what dyscalculia was.  On most nights, an hour of help with homework resulted in my dad calling me several derogatory names in anger and fear.  If I was lucky, then occasionally I could remember the process I had just learned either the night before or earlier that day, my mind wouldn't switch the numbers to look similar to each other, and I could do my math problems myself.  Most nights were torture, though.  My dad's explosive tirades would lead to my parents getting into another argument about me, when they weren't arguing about the other five topics that frequently came up in their screaming matches across the dinner table.  If I was lucky with my math homework, then I hoped I would get doubly lucky that day and not have my dad bully me into eating everything on my plate because that's how he was raised, it didn't matter if I was full or not.  The inevitable of course would happen, making me fear throwing up even more than I already did from being allergic to milk allergies since I was born.  This was all after taking a one to three hour nap every day after surviving an eight hour day of school, which felt like sixteen hours to my exhausted body and mind.  I finally got over my fear of throwing up at the age of fourteen, but I still fear marrying a younger version of my father, even though I want a loving husband and kids.  I also berate myself severely when I do something wrong, whether it's a big mistake or a little one.  I think this is from being emotionally abused.  The only physical abuse I suffered from was my shoulder being squeezed so hard that it would form a bruise, hence why I tense up whenever someone squeezes my shoulder, getting thrown across the room once, the pain on my shoulder was about the same as the bruise on my arm and I preferred the physical abuse to the emotional, and watching as my dad burned one of my stuffed animals, then hid the evidence.  I also get very tense when around males, whether they are family members or not from all of this.  Last year my grandpa, who had become a father figure to me in my teenage and college years passed away, so I'm still dealing with the grief from that loss.  I should be used to loss though, I've lived with it my whole life in one form or another.

I just want to some help in figuring out how to work past my fears so I can lead a healthy, normal life, that's all I ask.

The four phrases I've heard that I hate the most are "Just get over it" "That's too much for one person to go through, you're just making it up to be the center of attention" "Oh you're an only child?  You must be a spoiled brat" and "You should count yourself lucky that you didn't go through so much worse; emotional abuse is not nearly as bad as physical or sexual abuse."  Hence why I've talked about my past less and less as I get older.  

Well, Milarepa, you did say you were looking forward to hearing more from me.  Here it is.  This is only some of the stuff I went through.  What do you think?

[Kizzie]

HI and welcome to OOTS GraciousJoy      Not to worry about being kicked off or similarly punished for being "bad" here, I am the site moderator and because I have CPTSD myself and am flinchy about such things too (as are most of us here), I do try to be gentle and kind as I would want to be treated. When you have a moment please read through the Member Guidelines so that you have an idea of what is not permitted. And please know that if I do edit or remove a post I PM the member to let them know so it's not a surprise. Also, I try to do so in a way that hopefully does not trigger the poster because I know what that's like.  No-one has been banned or even warned since the site started so it is as safe an online site as I have encountered and members are truly kind, supportive and encouraging.

So all that said, I'm glad you found your way here and I hope you will settle in soon.  It's a big step making that first post but you did it so kudos    Whenever you feel comfortable please feel free to post again here and/or in any of the forums that seem relevant.

[Trees]

Welcome GraciousJoy.  I love your name!   What a lot you have been through!  I am new here myself, but I think maybe this would be a good place for you.   Most importantly, it is a safe place, even for those of us who don't even know how to feel safe any more.            Trees

[GraciousJoy]

Thank you, Kizzie.  The last time I was on a website I thought was completely safe, I shared it with social media, not realizing that this was against the rules of that particular site.  A few days later, when I tried to correct this mistake, I got a PM, saying that I would be banned from the site because I had spammed.  I had no idea up until then that sharing my enthusiasm of the site and providing a link to it was called spam.  This on top of my past has made me very cautious about websites I feel safe on ever since.  

I've read the Members Guideline before writing my introduction, and once again just a few minutes ago.  It sounds pretty general.  Basically as long as I'm respectful of everybody and keep the descriptions of my traumatic experiences down so I don't trigger someone I should be fine, if I understand the Members Guidelines correctly.

I have a question related to the author section that I'm a little worried about.  I've used my love of writing stories to help cope with my traumatic past and hope to publish some of my works soon.  Is this going to be a problem at all?

[GraciousJoy]

I think this would be a safe place for you too, Trees.  I know what it's like to not feel safe anymore.  I've begun to feel safe again, slowly but surely.  I just gave myself time and was patient with myself, just like I continue to do.  I'd love to read your introduction, just like you've read mine, whenever you're ready.

[Kizzie]

Hi GraciousJoy - can you clarify what you mean when you ask whether or not publishing some of your work might go against OOTS guidelines? I'm not quite sure what you're asking.

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi GraciousJoy! I'm glad you found us. When I wrote my introduction, I dashed it all down in one panicky go and then sat there (figuratively) gnawing my fingernails and waiting to see how bad it would be. So we can form a club? The club of nervous first-posters?

What you write about PTSD from more than one traumatic experience - I'm no expert at all whatsoever, but it reminds me of the definition of CPTSD - that it happens over time, through a series of incidents. There's a therapist called Pete Walker who has CPTSD himself, and he has several free articles on his website. There are two or three on flashbacks. If you have some time to kill, I can recommend browsing those articles. They give a clearer picture of the reality of CPTSD, so maybe you recognize yourself in that.

One of my kid had... not dyscalculia, but something like a very very mild form of it that went away again eventually... but BOY did it ever cause upheaval. It must have been such a grinding misery for you, knowing that this would happen day after day after day. It's not like you can avoid maths.

Anyway, welcome, and I hope you'll post some more on here. 

[Milarepa]

What you write about PTSD from more than one traumatic experience - I'm no expert at all whatsoever, but it reminds me of the definition of CPTSD - that it happens over time, through a series of incidents. There's a therapist called Pete Walker who has CPTSD himself, and he has several free articles on his website. There are two or three on flashbacks. If you have some time to kill, I can recommend browsing those articles. They give a clearer picture of the reality of CPTSD, so maybe you recognize yourself in that.

I'll jump onto this and say that yes it is absolutely possible to have PTSD from more than one incident. Complex PTSD was first defined by Judith Herman in Trauma and Recovery and she defines it as a traumatic syndrome that is created by a prolonged period of repeated trauma from which the sufferer had no hope of escape. I'd say your experiences fit the bill.

My therapist says that traumatic complexes have their own reverberation frequencies and weather systems. When one of them gets triggered, the whole stack gets triggered and we end up in an EF or emotional weather system that is very difficult to recognize let alone escape. My guess, based on your history, is that you're suffering from something like this.

It sounds like you really could benefit from finding a good therapist.

[GraciousJoy]

   OK, don't panic, you'll be fine, GraciousJoy.  Deep breath, Kizzie isn't going to yell at you for questioning her.  Sorry, Kizzie, I'm just really scared, since writing stories means a lot to me and I work through my own issues through them.  It's like a combination of a grown up form of play and free therapy. 
I mean one of my themes in a book I'm writing about is CPTSD from emotional and physical abuse.  I'm wondering if I'll get kicked off this site for using my own experiences, my imagination, and the general information I get from your website.  I just want to make sure I'm interpreting this right, so that I'm not suddenly booted off for missing a crucial bit of information, even though I've read the guidelines a couple of times, now.

[GraciousJoy]

Hi GraciousJoy! I'm glad you found us. When I wrote my introduction, I dashed it all down in one panicky go and then sat there (figuratively) gnawing my fingernails and waiting to see how bad it would be. So we can form a club? The club of nervous first-posters?

I felt the same way Schrodinger's Cat.  So, imagine posting your introduction, getting ready to copy it into your private file so you don't lose it, and find out all of your hard work has been erased in seconds as you attempt to log back in.  That's what I had to go through.  I'll be glad to join your nervous first-posters club!  I love your sense of humor and compassion!

[GraciousJoy]

What you write about PTSD from more than one traumatic experience - I'm no expert at all whatsoever, but it reminds me of the definition of CPTSD - that it happens over time, through a series of incidents. There's a therapist called Pete Walker who has CPTSD himself, and he has several free articles on his website. There are two or three on flashbacks. If you have some time to kill, I can recommend browsing those articles. They give a clearer picture of the reality of CPTSD, so maybe you recognize yourself in that.

Thanks for the links Schrodinger's Cat, I'll make sure check them out.  I appreciate your effort in helping me understand more of CPTSD.

[GraciousJoy]

One of my kid had... not dyscalculia, but something like a very very mild form of it that went away again eventually... but BOY did it ever cause upheaval. It must have been such a grinding misery for you, knowing that this would happen day after day after day. It's not like you can avoid maths.

Exactly, Schrdinger's Cat, hence why I thought a normal afternoon where I could do my homework in peace without getting yelled at was a perfect day.  I got told constantly that I can't avoid math growing up, along with everything else.  How did one of your kids grow out of a very mild form of dyscalculia?  It obviously must have been much lower than mine was, because I still struggle with math, even though the more I use math, the easier it becomes with practice.

Possible Trigger Warning: Writing stories, playing with my toys, and hanging out with my friends helped me to survive the long, grueling days of my childhood, although I never wrote or acted out what my dad did to me in my playing, and of course, I hardly ever reenacted my home life with my friends.  I learned not to when I yelled at my cousin when we got into an argument and made him cry.  I apologized in shame of course, and promised myself I would never do that again.

[GraciousJoy]

Thanks Milarepa.  I've tried seeing a therapist, but I felt like she wasn't the right fit for my unique experiences, even though we had the same goals and she was open enough to talk to.  I also tried contacting a local therapist, but he never called me back. 

I'm not sure what to do next, as I want to get better, but have no idea how to get started.