Need a push in the right direction

[Cookido]

I got a referral from the doctor for therapy, it's a good thing, but I just felt tired. I have to find my own therapist, and I've been looking, writing emails (calling is difficult). It's so hard for some reason, I manage to write one and then my energy is lost.

Eventually I did get a positive answer, therapy, even in my own city. But I havn't written them back yet, it was 3 days ago. Why don't I write back? What's keeping me? I usually do everything I should. I went through meeting the doctor, answering all his questions and now I decide to be passive!?

It's frustrating. I want someone to tell me to do it or help me do it, be there when I look for help and support me. I guess that's what's wrong.

[sanmagic7]

i can only stand with you in spirit, cookido.  i wish i could do more.  i've had that happen to me, too - like it's used up so much energy just to hit the 'enter' button, and i don't have enough for the next step. 

when you're ready, your energy will be there for you.  it's a big process to go thru.  no wonder you're tired.  big hug to you

[Blueberry]

 

Problem for me though when somebody nudges me in the right direction, at some point, I'll rebell. When I'm taking my time about things - happens pretty often! - there's usually a reason for it. I'm still practising patience with self.

[Dee]

Sometimes, often, I just have to make myself do things.  I usually have to do it first thing in the morning before I can think about it.  Sometimes, I never get it done.  However, when it is the things that count the most, I make myself.  No more procrastinating.  I mark it on my calendar as my first thing and get it done, with an eternal fight the entire time.  Even if it feels impossible. 

I also email rather than call, calling is too daunting.  I actually did that today.

[Cookido]

Thank you all for your advice and support. I managed to send the letter today after a whole day of resting and clearing my head. Also, just writing my worries down was helpful, it gave perspective. Thinking about writing diary again, it might help sorting out my sometimes messy thoughts.

sanmagic7, thank you for your kind words. I took your advice and rested. It was indeed needed!

Blueberry, I relate to your description. It has become better since I started living on my own though. Maybe relates back to being told to do things without having much control?

Dee, I do the calendar marking too, I love my calendar. ♡ Never wrote down the "post letter" though. And kudos to you for the call! I hope it went alright too.

[Slackjaw99]

Two things jump out at me from my own experience:

but I just felt tired. I have to find my own therapist, and I've been looking, writing emails (calling is difficult). It's so hard for some reason, I manage to write one and then my energy is lost.

Tiredness is one of those "feelings" that often pops up to derail whatever productive, but unsavory task is at hand during the day. After digging deep in therapy to understand all the ways I fall into dissociation, turns out phantom tiredness is one of the primary culprits. What's it protecting me from? Perhaps it's the fear of failure or other negative outcome.

You've found one possibility for a new therapist (and life-changing healing), but that could turn out to be a bust based on past experience. Why not derail the process before you ever get to the point of being disappointed! What if the therapist turns out to be a good one? Then there's a lot of difficult work to be done such as looking at past traumas. Again very "tiring". I believe that at the core "tiredness" in the face of existential decision making is really about two things: fear of one's reaction to a negative outcome, and inability to live in the present. Writing the email is ALL you have to worry about NOW. Deal with the rest when it comes.

But I havn't written them back yet, it was 3 days ago. Why don't I write back? What's keeping me? I usually do everything I should. I went through meeting the doctor, answering all his questions and now I decide to be passive!?
It's frustrating. I want someone to tell me to do it or help me do it, be there when I look for help and support me. I guess that's what's wrong.

During the years I was institutionalized (hospitals and rehabs for the cPTSD symptom of alcoholism) I recalled that there was a certain comfort in having my entire day's activities planned for me- kinda like kindergarten. Even now I struggle with excessive amounts of unstructured time because I haven't mastered the art of proper self-parenting. My parents were the exact opposite of the nurturing mentors they should have been in order for me to learn the self discipline necessary to tackle difficult tasks. How I would love to have a dedicated personal assistant to hold my hand and take care of life's chores while I go off somewhere to play by myself. The reality is that the inability to self-parent is a key developmental arrest that must then be learned later in life.

There's a term I like to borrow from the Millennials called "adulting" that's equally applicable to those of us blessed with cPTSD.

[Cookido]

Slackjaw99,

Why not derail the process before you ever get to the point of being disappointed! What if the therapist turns out to be a good one? Then there's a lot of difficult work to be done such as looking at past traumas.

That pretty much sums up my thought process. I find it hard to admit to myself that I think these things but when reading your answer it made me feel like the thoughts are okay and maybe even normal. I'm very glad you took time to give your answer, it was helpful, thank you ♡

I relate to what you said about finding comfort in having kind of a "kindergarden" schedule. I make up a plan for myself for the whole day and I dislike being disturbed in that, or having sudden change of plans. I'm not very spontanious.

I used to live in a very controlling environment while I also had to take a lot of own responsibility. That might be a contributing factor to my behavior.

[Cookido]

Felt like sharing that I got an answer today about therapy and that they will contact me for a meeting. I find it hard to believe that the therapy in my town has accepted me. I weren't able to feel anything about it because I had an unrelaxed day. But hopefully I can feel more later about the positive outcome. I know my day would have been a lot worse if the letter told me they declined! 

Also, amazing thing that happened today is that a friend I lost contact with two years ago contacted me about meeting up next week. That did make me happy. I missed her a lot.

[Blueberry]

Sounds like good news 

[Dee]

Two positives, good for you!

[artemis23]

Great job, I'm finding it hard to find a therapist too and hard not to give up on the process when I keep getting declined. Ugh. Super duper triggering when they say no. It's already a big thing to choose to seek therapy in the first place. I am in this day program at psych hospital and one of the T's there who runs a group mentioned how hard it can be for those of us with CPTSD to use the phone. I liked how she put it, she said it's like we can't see them and the feeling of not having that control over potential threat/disappointment or whatever, just hearing the voice, is triggering for a lot of people. Something like that. I thought that was interesting and worth mentioning I guess. Good luck to you! 

[Cookido]

Thank you for the cheers! 

artemis23, I hope you get accepted too and that the wait will be worth it! It's not easy I agree. I really relate to the phone thing. This morning I got triggered by my phones alarm because I thought maybe it's the therapist calling, hmm on a Sunday... don't think so. It's gonna be a jumpy 30 days until I get that call (yeah also, they said they will call within 30 days, couldn't it be more specific haha).

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, that's great! I avoid things sometimes like that too, and I'm glad you can do something about it.