It felt like my fate

[Blueberry]

"Break the conditioning and you break the fate" - quotation of recent date from JamesG

I'm working on it, James and anybody else who's listening, I'm working on it.

Seeing the word 'fate' in the thread it was mentioned in reminded me that FOO's idk what exactly - their words, what they implied, their behaviour towards me, their refusal to protect and defend me, and just their whole own (crazy) belief system, by which I do not mean religion - left me as a teenager / young adult with the impression that I was born a loser and a failure and that I'd never break out of that. It was a feeling that I was all these bad things they said to me right down into the marrow of my bones, through and through. Felt so awful I definitely don't want to feel back into it.

Oh yeah now I know what made this seem so final, so irrevocably so: M doesn't forgive, she just doesn't believe in forgiveness, except towards herself or somebody she's protecting, ie I was meant to forgive and forget 'the bad things that might have happened to me' (by FOO)  and certainly forgive B1 because "it was all (my) fault anyway". But otherwise she openly states that she doesn't believe in forgiveness. I don't think she was forgiven as a child, her belief in her 40's or so would have been a step forward for her, if it hadn't included a victim/abuser reversal. 

So, yes, the feeling I would and could never break out of the state I was in. I'd somehow have to function anyway but would never be able to improve my lot in life, wouldn't be able to improve on being a 'failure and loser'. It felt too late, that was the message I got from FOO when I was a teenager, for crying out loud. A teenager's not even fully developed emotionally and intellectually - how can it be too late??

It no longer feels like my fate. Of course I've changed a lot since then, and don't believe all FOO's nonsense, though psychologically I'm still somewhat in their grips.

They'd deny it now and accuse me of 'misunderstanding'. I didn't though. imo this was terrible emotional / psychological abuse that did an awful lot of damage.

[sanmagic7]

i think breaking this is akin to re-wiring our brains - doable, but intensely hard work at times.

i don't think you're trying, blueberry, i think you're doing. 

and kudos to you for that.  well done.  love and hugs to you.

[Libby183]

I can identify with this, blueberry.  In fact, it was something I was thinking about, as a sort of preparation for EMDR.  I worked through lots of traumatic memories from childhood and teens and jotted down the different messages I received from FOO.

There were many messages but they could all be condensed into "You are a failure and as it is ALL your own fault, you are stuck with it". It's not that they needed to go into great detail,  or have big discussions.  It was just so final, absolute and unarguable.  So then, every situation that I didn't cope with,  was evidence that they were right about me. They never needed to question their role in why I failed.  I was a loser, full stop,  and they loved it.

Deep down,  I still think I am a loser, despite doing things FOO told me were out of my reach.  I am hoping that the therapy might start a shift in this.

You seem to have really got to the core of what emotional abuse is, and what it does to a child.  I like to think that now we have fought our way to this point,  we are in a position to heal.

Thank you, blueberry.  This really helped me.

Libby.

[ah]

Blueberry,

I think your post was brave, introspective, it left me thinking that with this sort of self awareness you can do just about anything, it's such a source of strength to look directly in the eye at these places inside us.

I agree, breaking this conditioning is hard. It requires consistent, patient, self-compassionate work. And the conditioning I have seems to be like a 1000-armed monster, every time I think I took care of one arm new a one pops up. But maybe recognizing them takes away part of their sting. The arms seem to be shorter as time passes.

(Hope this makes sense, just read what I wrote here earlier and couldn't understand half of what I was going on about so away it went.)

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much san for pointing out the 'doing' so strongly! Took me till today to really comprehend.   

Thanks ah and Libby for your validation. Libby I'm sure that in time therapy will help shift your beliefs about yourself. therapy has done that for me, particularly since I've been in trauma-informed T for, ahem, 3 years now. (Kudos to my country for covering so much.)

I understand that 1000-armed monster whose arms are getting shorter even though new arms are sprouting too! Sounds a bit like the huge inflatable doll my T told me about, which I posted about somewhere. Bit by bit through therapy the air seeps out till eventually the doll collapses on the ground, leaving the exterior plastic or vinyl casing which no longer really impedes you. Except my T didn't mention the new arms.

for us all on this thread.

[Contessa]

There were many messages but they could all be condensed into "You are a failure and as it is ALL your own fault, you are stuck with it". It's not that they needed to go into great detail,  or have big discussions.  It was just so final, absolute and unarguable.  So then, every situation that I didn't cope with,  was evidence that they were right about me. They never needed to question their role in why I failed.  I was a loser, full stop,  and they loved it.

This is my experience exactly. I'm not sure about them loving what they did to me, as they clearly acted like I was the cause of my failures. I think it gave them room to inflate their own egos. But yes, everything I've endured from them is definitely 'my fault' and not theirs.