Recognizing symptoms during stabilization (Dance competition prep)

[ws0116]

Hi guys,

I kinda would like to share where i am right now. I hope I could get some feedback on whether what Im feeling might be dissociation and/or emotional flashbacks. And it would be nice if there are some resources to help out. I am currently in a starting fase in trauma therapy, focused on stability, however I'm feeling a lot of experiences like this.

I am currently preparing for a dance competition next weekend, which I am very excited about. I asked two friends to participate (who slightly know about my therapy and some symptoms like depression and overstimulation) , and the assignment is to create an own choreography. Dancing is one of the things I love, so my motivation is high.

However the process brings up a lot. Creating a dance brings up a lot of inner messages of critic which I have to battle. Is it good enough, am I good enough, does my friends/audience think it's good enough?
Then explaining the dance to my friends and create it for a group. This is the stage im in now, and is currently the heaviest. My head feels like it's exploding with inner messages while trying to explain the choreography, and also trying to make changes on the spot to make things prettier. Messages like 'They probably think it's not good enough' are followed with me zoning out and me getting lost in more negative thoughts about myself. A consequence is that that negativity gets projected on my friends and I ask myself: 'Why aren't they helping out with the choreography? Are they scared of me?'.

This ends up in lots of moments of silence where I am zoning out(/dissociating?) and trying to get back to dancing. But not being able to talk about this inner struggle, because I don't want it to take up time but also I don't know what is going on.
I do feel that it's possible that it has to do with subjects like 'trust', 'abuse in friendships in the past', 'uncertainty of inner sensations'.

Looking back, there is a lot of text.. I am glad that this forum exists and it really is a relief knowing that there are more people struggling with cptsd and things around it. Eventhough I'm still anxious to post this, im really thankful to be able to take up a space here.

[Dee]

Welcome.

One of the first things I gained in therapy was awareness.

I have definitely struggled with questioning my abilities.  I often felt like a fraud, even though I wasn't.  I became increasingly nervous that people would find out I was not as good as they thought I was.  It was something I talked to my therapist about.  The first phase of therapy has no timeline.  It literally took my years to move though it.  It is important not to rush it because you cannot work on the second phase without the first phase.  To be honest, it is more important than any other phase in therapy.  For me it was the phase that taught me how to cope in healthy ways.  I still revert to old ways and problems, such as not enforcing boundaries, but because I have worked it once it is easier to work it again.  Recovery isn't linear.

Perfectionism led to a whole host of other issues for me.  At the end of the day it was all symptoms that I needed to learn to manage.

[sanmagic7]

sounds to me like it could be a bit of both.  our creativity is such a strength, but it also means that we're putting ourselves out there to be judged.  and that is always scary.

from what i understand, you are in charge of the choreography.  could you also enlist ideas from the others?  comments, opinions and the like?  would it be all right to share with them that you're uncertain about a certain move, certain step and ask what they think?  perhaps getting them more involved (but you still have the final say) may help you thru this, relieve some of the pressure and expectations on you.

i don't know if any of that is possible or workable for this situation - just a thought that came to mind.  i've used this approach at times, and it's helped me.

i know those critical messages can be loud and strong, something that makes us doubt ourselves.  prep time is just that - a time to prepare, and we can often make it easier on ourselves if we use that prep time to gather resources and put them to use for us.  i hope any of this is helpful, and i also have faith that it'll be ok in the end.  best to you with this.