Why can't I let love in?

[plantsandworms]

I  am in my mid 20s and I've been single (no dating no nothing) for four years. The last time I dated someone roughly coincides with the last time I spoke with my FOO. I am sure these must be related but I'm not sure why or how. I don't have any problem making new friends and I have a lot of great close friendships. I still experience attraction/interest in others romantically but the second they show any reciprocation the feelings shut down entirely. I experience a great deal of fear and shame and come up with a million reasons why I shouldn't get involved with them.

Now that it's gone on for so long I feel it getting built up in my brain and it feels more and more impossible to get past. I think part of it is just feeling so fragile as I try to figure out myself and my trauma. I think I also have an image of myself as being an intense person with a lot of needs and burden on a partner. When I imagine trying to go on a date with someone, I feel like I will be weird and "not fun" and embarrassingly inexperienced. In my mind I hope for a deep friendship that grows into a relationship - someone who gets me and knows my history and will know how best to support me, and I won't have to worry about being intense or boring because we will already have a friendship base to build from. But that doesn't just happen, or at least it hasn't thus far. I also fear that if I were to be in a relationship I would fall into toxic/abusive dynamics like I used to before. A romantic relationship has been built up in my mind as this massive threat to my safety and stability. It doesn't feel like something fun or easy - just a trap for more trauma and revictimization.

If anyone knows where I'm coming from and got past it (or is dealing with it right now) I would love to hear from you. I feel so stuck and I'm not sure how to crawl back out.

[Rainagain]

Hi

I don't have any useful advice but want you to know that I read your post and hope you can deal with things so you find what you need.

[Blueberry]

I still experience attraction/interest in others romantically but the second they show any reciprocation the feelings shut down entirely. I experience a great deal of fear and shame and come up with a million reasons why I shouldn't get involved with them.

Sounds familiar, except in my case I don't experience attraction/interest any more. I'm in my 40's now. That isn't too old, but somehow I managed to shut the whole topic down completely. Idk exactly. I'm concentrating on other big topics in healing, have been for a while. For me there are enough triggers in life, without adding ones from CSA as well, which would come with a relationship. I'm not saying that that is healthy, but that's the way it's gone for me and/or the way I've decided.

But I always used to shut down in my 20's and 30's if anybody showed any interest. In my head now I still have a bunch of reasons why I shouldn't be involved with anybody. I skedaddle internally at the mere thought. Fear and shame? Oh, yes. They're big.

Friendships weren't so easy for me in my 20's and 30's but much easier now.

I think I also have an image of myself as being an intense person with a lot of needs and burden on a partner. When I imagine trying to go on a date with someone, I feel like I will be ... embarrassingly inexperienced. .. I also fear that if I were to be in a relationship I would fall into toxic/abusive dynamics like I used to before.

Sounds familiar too. I definitely feel that I would be a burden on a partner. I can't imagine one would even put up with me, never mind like me, feel attracted to me or be loyal. But I do know where all those ideas are coming from. Family-of-origin across the board. 

I'm completely and utterly inexperienced, so that's a bit embarrassing at my age, though I think it's good that I am that way. That has saved me from being retraumatised in the area of CSA and emotional abuse, which I undoubtedly would have been. 

I imagine the only way to get through this type of thing is to keep going with trauma therapy and keep practising things like healthy boundaries (which will help prevent getting into or staying in a toxic relationship), self-care and self-praise, maybe also IC work, all of which will probably help to see oneself through non-FOO eyes (or non-ex partner eyes) and slowly begin to see oneself as less of a burden, less weird etc. I used to think I was weird because FOO always said so. I don't think so anymore.

I wish you all the best with this! 

[woodsgnome]

I've also had huge problem with attraction/rejection expectations. I make friends easily and then...well I just know I'll be rejected. Except I don't know--beyond the mind games based on abuse-originated fear that rips my friendships/relationships to shreds. It's my habit to blame myself, adding more misery on top of the first fears.

Other than a brain replacement I don't have a solution on that front, and don't know if I'll ever risk going there again; at least without lots of work but all the trying is itself triggering, so I spin in circles of frustration. Still I have this yearning for intimacy but...can't feel comfortable with it, either. And, as already was said by Blueberry, I have this disbelief that I wouldn't be more of a detriment to a full working relationship.

I thought it would be easier to overcome once things got rolling. Didn't happen, nor was I able to be very forthcoming about why (the original traumas/abuse). One person in particular got that there was something in my background radically askew, but we kind of left it fester, and the relationship faded away. Recently I met her again and revealed the full story behind the story, which made things more understandable but like so much else on this trip, it's too late to rectify now.

So I guess if I were to suggest anything, it's just total honesty as to why it seems you go this route--be it dissociation, poor boundaries, or one of the other blocks. If others don't understand, or want to, perhaps it's a sign that it won't/shouldn't go further.

More important, I think, is to value yourself as an embodiment of love with or without a relationship (something I also need to work on). Instead we can know we already are worthy humans with strengths and weaknesses like anyone. While relationships are great, none will truly make another human whole--you already are that, problems and questions included. Love doesn't automatically flow in from another person, but it can be shared and help both to live fuller lives. It's definitely a wonderful ideal, but it's also not a requirement.

[ah]

Could be totally wrong, but I think love comes after some other things.

I mean good, real, healthy love. It's always depended on my ability to feel comfortable enough in my own skin so I can bear intimacy (not just physical, emotional intimacy is very hard for me too - sends me into endless EF's) with others, and also able to bear conflict with others without getting too triggered.
Conflict is an integral part of relationships. Not abuse, just... disagreements and learning to fight the right way.

And the embarrassment that comes with intimacy. For us it can be so frightening, being seen can feel like we're about to be taken advantage of but I don't know if there can be love without some sense of vulnerability. It's sort of a given. And in my experience, being able to bear being vulnerable is something I really, really am bad at. I can use so much practice at it.

All of these things are skills we can learn, it's harder to do as adults but it can be done.

Like Blueberry, I stopped wanting to get close to others a while back. It saved me from more abuse.
I kept meeting abusive people and a few years back I was so puzzled and broken by it that I withdrew completely from people. I'm very lonely but I was before anyway. Feeling lonely alone isn't as bad as the alternative, maybe. 
The good side is it enabled me to get to know myself better, I found out about cptsd, many questions were answered and new ones popped up. I've changed a lot as a result.

How about consciously, intentionally deciding to take a break from wanting love for a specific amount of time?
Deciding to put all of the time and energy you'd put into it into slowly investigating yourself, teaching yourself the skills you may need to get better at including setting boundaries, and practicing it all and becoming stronger and more confident before you throw yourself out there again?
A bit like a basic training program before you go back out into the world of relationships.

I think your worry that a relationship could become a reenactment of past abuse is wise and realistic. It could, and we all know it's very common that it does - but it doesn't have to stay that way.
With self awareness and therapy and psychoeducation these things can change and improve. You can learn new habits and learn to protect yourself from creeps, and improve at recognizing good people. 

I think if I were still interested in love now, I wouldn't get close to abusive people anymore. That pattern has been broken. I think it can break.

Sadly, abusive people are out there. We don't imagine them, we've met them and we know how dangerous they can be. But we can maybe learn to develop a flexible, thin shield that protects us from them but still lets us move around in life and love others, and be loved.

I hope..?

Plus, I think what woodsgnome said about love is beautiful. Thank you for that, it sounds so accurate and right - and so difficult. Especially hard for me is when I manage to feel love for everyone else, and I don't feel I need to be loved by anyone else in return, but the moment I try to feel love for myself - Poof! It's gone.  Abuse takes its sad toll. But I strongly believe it's a learned skill, too.

[Blueberry]

Reading ah's post reminds me: There are all kinds of love, not just romantic. Since I began to let other kinds in, I don't have such a longing for a partner. So it's easier to 'do without'. I'm still not saying that's ideal or healthy in the long-term but agree with ah that other things may have to heal before we're ready for a healthy relationship.

The longing I had for a partner wasn't completely healthy which is why having one would have been potentially dangerous for me. I would have put up with emotional abuse just to remain in the partnership. I got attracted to men like F (what else is new?) who would run for the hills when stuff got hard emotionally, and I would have put up with all sorts of other emotional stuff too if it had got as far as relationship. I did suppress who I really am, suppressed my vitality in order not to be an "embarrassment" or a "burden". My stuff. That was hard for these men, I know that now.

I learned to let non-romantic love in. Deep friendships with female friends, the love of my pets, loving my pets and the children in my life (they're not mine). I have been told that you have to love yourself in order to love others. I don't think I love myself yet, but the self-hate has at least decreased and sometimes I even like myself. Self-acceptance has got better. That allows me to let love in I think. When I can't accept myself for who I am, it's hard to take other people's acceptance of me seriously and then I set up defenses round me so as to not notice. Just repeating ah's ideas now, I realise.