Self-Care Tactics

[Milarepa]

I thought I'd link this to a previous thread (http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=592.0) about dealing with my uNPD F's most recent spate of bad behavior. I'm looking for good self-care tactics to help me keep my own internal equilibrium while I'm in the midst of dealing with his *.

What do you do when your PD FOO members rear their heads and send you into EFs? How do you recognize that you're "out of the boat" and what do you do to get back in it? How do you calm all of the stirred up inner children and get them into their carseats where they belong so that the adult you can drive the car?

[Kizzie]

I answered this in the other thread but thought I'd add it here as well.


I see what you mean Milarepa, sorry I didn't get that.  I love the image of getting the kids in their car seats lol.

I do know what you're talking about and I did have terrible EFs when I first went LC and stood up to my M. I did not realize how terrified I was (well at some level I obviously did and that's why it's so hard to get the IC to come out and then when you do it's hard to get them back in their car seats as you say), but those big EFs made it abundantly clear to me that I have very frightened IC on board. It was a shock actually to feel that rather than just read about it. It's no wonder we are reluctant to go back into the trauma, but I do think it's the only way out.

I recall my inner dialogue with my IC during those big EFs was saying over and over again that it would be OK, that the way things were were not good for us and that adult me would get us through this.  I rested as much as I needed to, I told her she was brave and courageous for all that she had been through, that I was there now and I would look after us.  I even bought a giant teddy bear at one point -- it sits across from the bed and smiles at me every night and I love the feeling that it gives me (my IC is delighted with him). When I have a bad day I will snuggle into it and nap or read.

One thing I've written about doing in terms of IC work is enticing my IC to come out and have fun now that I know just how much fear (and now sadness) there is around abandonment and that getting into that would be tricky. So I thought "Well, maybe the fear will subside if I show my IC a good time" and I do think it's done a lot for soothing, reassuring and building trust.  What child doesn't like an adult that spends time with them having fun?  So a Star Trek festival it is lol!  Give them some fun, joy even, it's healing 

The other thing I tell my IC is that as much as possible I will keep stress away or lowered, that moving away from PD FOO was a gift to us of peace and more normalcy on a daily basis (at long last). That has done wonders for the fear level!  I also talk to my H and now my T about EFs as openly as I can to honour my ICs feelings if that makes sense and that does seem to defuel them.

So there's a bit about what I've done thus far - hope some of it is helpful. 

[marycontrary]

good one Kizzie!

I immediately enforce boundaries. Here are my 4 boundaries

Distance my self from:
1. People who have issues with lying
2. People who have issues with addiction
3. People who have issues processing empathy (BIGGG ONE)
4. People who are reckless (including the elderly)

when stressed, like this week, I do self love, self spoiling stuff. I go on a walk, visit friends, have some tea, listen to music, get small sweet treats. Also, massage, getting nails done and acupuncture  are really cheap here where I live, so I might do those. Also, there are some really good folks here on this forum.

Very important to self soothe in a healthy fashion. 

I hope this helps.

[Milarepa]

These are great, Kizzie & Mary! Thank you!

For my own list, I distance myself from:

• People with a sense of entitlement to my time and attention
• People who use guilt and shame to manipulate and get their way
• People with anger issues
• People with poor impulse control and bad boundaries

[marycontrary]

FINE, fine list there....the first three of these have in common the "lack of empathy" element. Distancing from folks who have blatant "lack of empathy" is absolutely crucial for recovery. I just had to break up with a fairly decent boyfriend in many respects because of his "anger issues", which really culminated into a lack of empathy, cause I told him it triggered me and unsuccessfully offered to do counselling with him. So...BYE BYE. 

And your 4th is similar to my 4th. Ultimately, people with boor boundaries are reckless, including some elderly (not just codependents and * raisers), and will only drag you down in a BAD, BAD way. 

KEEP IT UP!!!

[Milarepa]

FINE, fine list there....the first three of these have in common the "lack of empathy" element.

I'd never thought about it quite that way before... entitlement, manipulation, explosive anger - they really all do go hand-in-hand with a lack of ability to see someone else's separateness and understand their feelings without judging them.

Thanks for helping me think about these things. 

[marycontrary]

You are so welcome....

[Butterfly]

When I need to I take what I call a spa day. Wrap myself in a blanket, read, sip tea, relax, no tasks or work allowed. Full pampering whatever this means to you. Massages are great, maybe some drawing or artwork. Whatever I find relaxing at the moment. It totally works for me. Like I'm in my little cocoon and safe.