I wish I had a better M.

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DecimalRocket

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I wish I had a better M.
« on: March 07, 2018, 11:24:53 PM »
I had to stay at home today. I’ve become a little too physically weak to go today. I always seem to have the most intense EFs after the happiest days. There’s something triggering about me being rewarded emotionally.

I had to argue with my M to get to stay home in bed — while I had trouble standing up. She panicked. She was absolutely angry at me for being like this. I don’t know. Anxiety and anger is hard to distinguish to me sometimes. Most emotions are less specific but just “good” and “bad” to me. We had a time out where we stayed separated so she could calm down.

She did calm down — but not completely. We talked it out and I don’t know if I should have. She wanted to know why I didn’t just speak back. I told her that her just talking over me and never bothering to ask any questions of what my situation is like taught me to shut up my entire life.

 She kept defending herself — saying she had good intentions, saying that she has a hard time at work, saying that she’s going to be late and just not listening to me.

She eventually said sorry, but it took a while. And my sick body’s a little more exhausted.

She has her own trauma. Grew up hungry in poverty while her F abandoned her M for another woman. Her brothers made her do all their work and repeatedly told by her friends that she was “stupid”.

Yes, I understand how hard it is. I know. I’ve been trying to understand all my life. But why am I the one with the ability to make my own decisions and have to teach her things when she takes her panic on me? She’s the parent and doesn’t have HFA. Why am I the one who makes the effort to research about conflict skills and she has to learn it from me? Sometimes I tell her about parenting books I read so she’d parent me better.

Sometimes I think I’m the one more calmer and rational here, “the logical decision making brain” in the relationship. Sometimes I just think I’m pathetic.

Am I just whining?




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Rainagain

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Re: I wish I had a better M.
« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2018, 11:55:42 PM »
No, you are certainly not simply whining.

Comes across to me as a very difficult thing, reversal of the parent/child relationship is all very well, but who then meets your needs? Not whining at all.

Your account of 'talking it through' is familiar to me, you explain what went wrong until the penny drops, then are asked why you allowed the other person to act badly, like it was somehow your responsibility and not theirs.

Its an exhausting dynamic when the other person drops responsibility onto you.

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Elphanigh

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Re: I wish I had a better M.
« Reply #2 on: March 08, 2018, 01:13:45 AM »
Decimal, I second everything that Rainagain said. You are not whining, this is a truly difficult spot to be in. Honestly I wish I had more words, but this hits too close to home for me tonight. Just know you are not alone in this difficulty. I am sitting with you, offering hugs if they feel safe.  :hug: Good job standing up for yourself, that takes such bravery

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DecimalRocket

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Re: I wish I had a better M.
« Reply #3 on: March 08, 2018, 01:40:35 AM »
I mean no harm when I say this, but yes, it's crazy. I'm being irrational. She's being irrational. Everyone's irrational. Life is irrational.

I care and try, but I'm not good at this emotional thing! People act illogically - including me. Some don't listen enough to reason, and some don't seem to listen much with understanding and patience either. Advanced statistics is easier than all this emotional business, and I hate that class. Integral Calculus is better.

I'm usually patient with people for everyday mistakes and online where I can do things at my own pace, but having to deal with someone's deep rooted emotional issues improvised in real life is a whole other world. How do I figure this out? The situation commands for someone who's better at dealing with people? And me?

People's strong emotions just frustrate and confuse me. Damn it!


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Elphanigh

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Re: I wish I had a better M.
« Reply #4 on: March 08, 2018, 02:48:47 AM »
Decimal, I completely understand. I used to avoid all the emotional stuff like the plague. Doing integral calculus was simpler, and straightforward for me. So I get it. I believe you are doing better with all this than you give yourself credit for. It is not your job to “deal with” or fix her, just to make sure to keep yourself okay in it. You are doing well I promise.

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DecimalRocket

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Re: I wish I had a better M.
« Reply #5 on: March 08, 2018, 05:40:51 AM »
Sorry, Elpha. But I can't believe I'm doing well. Why do you think so?

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Cookido

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Re: I wish I had a better M.
« Reply #6 on: March 08, 2018, 09:06:12 AM »
I recognize what you described about switching roles, or that the M don't act like a parent. A previous therapist told me that adults have a hard time changing their behavior and I need to learn to be okay with the given situation.

I'm not sure I agree with the T or if I just find it hard to accept. It feels unfair that I'm trying my best to change to the better, make the relationship work and care for my parent, and then at the same time I should be okay with the parent working against everything I'm doing. How can they not change? Don't they reflect over their actions? Don't they want the relationship to be good?
Maybe not.

Anyway, I think we really need to pick our battles. Get into conflict and hope for a positive change, or we end up being drained of energy. Let things be as they are, but maybe keep some more energy. Maybe there are other options. These are just my own thoughts on the subject.

I understand you are in a difficult situation DecimalRocket, you are not alone. Wish you well. ♡

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DecimalRocket

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Re: I wish I had a better M.
« Reply #7 on: March 08, 2018, 11:40:52 AM »
Thanks Cookido.  :) I hope you can find peace in your situation too.

I know that your situation is true in many cases, but I've been doing this for a while and it's become a lot better. Most of the time it's fine now and I get to keep my distance with how I like it. There are still bumps like this at times though - especially when I get sick for some reason. Maybe there are other options and I could find a third party for help.

I rarely ever was much of an overfawn response in Walker's matrix really. I'm comfortable being nurturing in this forum at times, but for most of my life, I've been rather . . . overwhelmed by emotions and affection - mine and others. I don't mean it, but honestly it still does sometimes.

I need something nice, logical, predictable, and doesn't involve dealing with people's various emotions for now. See you.
« Last Edit: March 08, 2018, 11:50:59 AM by DecimalRocket »

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sanmagic7

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Re: I wish I had a better M.
« Reply #8 on: March 08, 2018, 06:23:47 PM »
if we can make changes as adults, parents can, too.  it's a measure of their illness or defenses against looking inward, not a measure of our tolerance or sanity.  not only parents, but other adults with whom we have relationships. 

this forum is full of adults making changes, worrying about any damage they may cause another human being, walking the difficult road of recovery with honesty and vulnerability.  we've all been damaged here, yet for some reason we don't want to spread that damage any further, and we're doing what's necessary to end that cycle in our own lives.

if we can do it, i see no reason to excuse others.  i've been there too many times, and this stuff cranks my gears.

sorry that you have to go thru this with your m, d.r..  we've all got reasons not to do the right thing, the healthy thing, but here we are all giving it a shot anyway.  love to you all, warm lovely hug to you, d.r.

by the by, i agree with elphanigh that you're doing really well.  you keep coming at this stuff, wanting to learn, wanting to understand, wanting to do things differently.  i can see the positive changes in you just from how you're posting on this forum.  you're moving right along, in a good way.

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ah

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Re: I wish I had a better M.
« Reply #9 on: March 12, 2018, 11:53:00 AM »
I really, really wish you had a better mother, too.

Sounds to me like you're the parent and she's the teenager. What an exhausting, confusing place to be. I know. Leaves you trying to reconcile attempts of mature compassion for her with guilt and anger at yourself for being in totally justifiable, unfair pain. It can be crazy making, being your parent's parent.  :no: