Memorex recovery jounral

[sanmagic7]

hey, memorex,

first, may i congratulate you both on your photos and your music.  love that those creative juices are flowing for you.   way to go!

second, i completely agree with you about the whole therapy thing.  i hope this psychologist is not so stuck in her 'tests' that she can't see the human side of what you are saying to her.   have you told her already that you suffer from c-ptsd and there are different dynamics involved, including a high risk of re-traumatization?  perhaps that would help, i don't know.   

i also agree that it's not right somehow to expect someone to bare their soul without some sense of the relationship, how it feels, how you feel in it.   that relationship is so important, even if it's about gathering scientific evidence/data.  we're not talking about a machine,, but a human being with a history of trauma.   that needs so much more than just answering  questions in a vacuum.

best to you with this, memorex.   i hope it goes well and the psych. is open to your needs.   love and hugs to you, sweetie.   

[memorex]

hey sanmagic,

yep, explained all of it to her, laid those facts out calmly and clearly. I got a phone call from her hours after I posted my last entry, where I again explained my point, and again proposed putting aside the tests for twenty minutes to get a feel for the dynamic and how things would be,  I mentioned that if that were not possible, I felt I would be unable to be completely and thoroughly honest about the rest of the test, due to the risks, money, time and so on involved. I made it cleqar I wouldnt be lying, but had to consider my wellbeing, and also that I wanted to be honest about this, rather than lie about the test answers.

She said she wasnt prepared to do either so I should find someone else, 'because thats how psychologists work'.....

Well, so much for any kind of relationship, dynamic, understanding or flexibility....

This happened late last night, and Ive not been up long due to a poor nights sleep, so Ive not really had time to process it yet.
Kind of stunned tbh.

thanks for the encouragement on the creative side-I feel good about those changes in me, and have hope its a good sign. At least there's some stuff I can sometimes enjoy in my life now, and thats gotta be something good!

[sanmagic7]

grrrr!  a pox on all 'helpers' who are so stuck in an inflexible way of thinking that they are worse than no help!!!  that just sucks, and i'm really sorry you had that experience, sorry you lost sleep cuz of it, and sorry she did so little to make you feel comfortable. 

ugh!!!  right beside you on this, memorex.  love and a big hug filled with compassion and understanding to you. 


by the by, i totally believe that getting that creative side of you back is a very good thing.  yay!

[memorex]

crazy isnt it? hugs very much appreciated. hopefully in a bit i'll focus on my photography or something positive...
im so glad for this forum I tell ya!

to everybody and everyone who ever suffered here. Power to us all!

[memorex]

follow up entry for today.


i wanted to note an aspect of something i feel ive struggled with before. today im aware of how often i yearn for things that never were, or versions of things that were rubbish with my parents, when i feel really hurt or wounded.

for instance-today, after the pain of finding out, late night, that another avenue of help was closed off to me, i have been aware of a yearning to break my no contact with my parents. i feel strong emotions as i type this flooding up. moments of things that did happen, all too briefly. it makes me shake with yearning now...

my usually cold, childish inconsiderate dad, who once or twice held me in his arms when i was young, and showed me a bit of love, and how it was like giving water to a parched dying plant whod been starved of it for so long.

I'd give anything for that now. 

but the painful truth is such actions would be followed by months of neglect, disinterest, selfishness, etc

Guess theres part of me wishes could have that bit of things. or at least a part that didnt treat me like dirt every few seconds, as he usually did the last few times I had contact with him.

As for my mum? ironically, the only times she was ever nice to me or showed any kindness, was either only when I was ill, or when my dad had neglected me. Though she was often a part of making that neglect hurt more for me, putting me in the middle of their arguments, which looking back now, Ive only JUST this second, realise were more likely arguments about themselves, with me as a handy pawn. (funny isnt it, I learn more about myself here than I do paying that therapist 70 per hour...(!)

Anyway. after the event, shed see i was upset and hurt, and try to talk me round, (though often by putting him down). yet now i recall it, i think she'd snap at me too...

well, anyway, theres a part of me that when hurt, yearns for a version or part of that. Her holding me, wiping away my tears (and now im crying a fair bit as I write too, how ironic..(!) and for once, actually coming across like a mother with a tiny bit of sensitivity to her young child's feelings, rather than being a child herself, focusing on her own needs only, and being disruptive and frightening and loud and selfish.

And, like my dad, these brief times were followed by 'regular' life; her slapping me hard across the face seemingly at random, being chased across a room in terror by her, being told cruel and horrible things by her  that terrified me, made me hate myself and feel full of guilt and shame and fear.

That was my experience.

I can also see why Im so obsessed with fears of them dying without more reconcilliation or change (though I am now learning to slowly accept that it may well happen, but is not my fault). She would ENDLESSLY go on about how I 'should appreciate her more because one day she'd be dead and I'd regret it'. Said that kind of crap to me daily when I was six years old at the most. Right when I needed a hug or some time or was upset. So I'd feel guilty, bad, and now, its the fear that always pops into my head when I feel bad-'I should try harder to reach out to them, they may be gone soon and i'll regret it and wont be able to cope on my own'.

Its almost verbatim what I was told isnt it?! Thats so unbelievable to realise. Its like being brainwashed.

guess i understand why i feel so confused about those yearnings now when im hurt. theyre tied up in very painful and confusing times of vulnerability and need, and low self worth and rejection.

the support and existence of this forum is one of the things I draw on that helps me find the strength to feel safe enough to explore these past upsetting things and process my past.

I just wanted to explore and air these feelings as I went along and see what came up. Seems a lot did.

[Hope67]

guess i understand why i feel so confused about those yearnings now when im hurt. theyre tied up in very painful and confusing times of vulnerability and need, and low self worth and rejection.

Hi Memorex,

You've written a lot of things that I relate to - and I just wanted to extend a supportive hug  if that's ok.
Hope 

[memorex]

Hope-thanks for that. Its good to know others have been where I have and still keep going.



todays entry

jesus-to add to the stress and worry, I see that my dad, who I had to cut contact with, has been phoning me again.

now again im afraid he'll turn up outside my door suddenly, or that it might mean someone has died.

best case scenario? he's just being a d*ck as usual and not respecting my wishes. sarcastic whoop.

[memorex]

slept into the afternoon. I feel shame even about that. havent eaten and dont want to. feel so scared of the world. cant believe things are as mad as they are with so many suffering. seems to me nothing ever changes across the centuries. the rich wage war using the poor to do their dirty work. the only difference today is that people dont realise nothings really changed.

I feel I know far too much about the way things are.its knowledge i kind of wish i didnt have. i wish i was as unaware as some other people seem.

[sanmagic7]

standing beside you memorex, fist raised in the air in protest.

i understand that yearning for that little bit of water that was given out incrementally, never enough with which to flourish, tho.  just enough to keep us standing so that we can be knocked over again.  also know that feeling of wanting to go back.  have been dealing with that with my 'fling' these past weeks, but i also know on a deeper level that i'm setting myself for a knockdown if i make a move in that direction.  still, it's a struggle.

love and hugs to you, sweetie.

[memorex]

hurting today. it being fathers day doesnt help. following the unwanted phone calls, another member of FOO has 'coincidentally' suddenly started phoning also.

I always hated how they all always plotted and schemed behind my back, and are doing it again now. Makes me angry, and also literally cry.

Its so ironic that its ME how is the person feeling guilt and shame over my choices of no contact-after all they did to me, and all the hurt. Yet here I am, with their ingrained guilt in my head, feeling rotten because of self doubts and lack of confidence and self love. Even though its ultimately due to the things they did to me.

What a backwards universe.

Im trying to love myself more, accept and believe in myself. But its so hard, and even harder with interfering sh*t from them.

Feel a little  better for writing this and making sense of things. Im angry-they shouldnt have ever treated me this way. I deserve more respect and better treatment. Its not my problem that they never accepted that.

[sanmagic7]

no, it's not your problem  you're absolutely right, to my mind, that they shouldn't have done what they did, and that you didn't deserve such treatment.  the guilt belongs to them for making you feel like this thru their words and actions. 

oooooh, i hate this crap so much, hate how it hurts us, how we're the ones living with such pain, battling for our sanity.  no, none of us deserved this.  it sucks.  they suck.  the whole backward aspect of it sucks.

i also agree with you that your feelings are a by-product of the abuse you went thru, not your own true self.  hang tough, memorex - we're getting thru this crapola together.  i hope they stop pestering you and leave you in peace.   love and hugs, sweetie.

[memorex]

ugh. thats all I want to say about today.

Ugh.

[memorex]

well

I phoned my dad.

I now sort of regret it.

I mulled it over for ages, was aware of an urge to do it for weeks. Came to the conclusion that I didnt want any regular contact still or anything arranged. I also didnt want to tell him anything about my life. And I didnt want to know about his.

I partly did it because I felt bullied. Not a great reason, but I feared things getting worse otherwise-I had been getting 'coincidental' calls from other family people claiming to be concerned to know I was ok.

Well, I know what theyre like, and that at a certain point someone would sit outside my front door in a car which would make me feel like *, and would be something the police couldnt and wouldnt do anything about.

Though now I think about it, I kind of think I should have trusted the police maybe would have stopped such a thing. I guess I feared the fuss and me feeling embarrassed at calling them. Well. I guess I'm learning more about how I feel about this.

Which was another reason I chose to go ahead. I knew I may regret it somewhat, but I thought that even if I did, I would learn more about myself in the process.

I also read something which wrote about no contact, and how not to beat yourself up if you break it-youre only human, and it can be a learning process even if what you learn is to avoid doing it again.

I was also deeply upset and spooked after I tried to call the Samaritans beforehand. I talked of the issue, and the lady said "But what if he dies before you next speak to him?"

I was a bit shocked, as this is my greatest fear, and main motivator for calling, and for beating myself up all the time. To be honest, if I knew he would be around for ten more years, I wouldnt have called for years until I was sure I felt more ready to deal with things.

I told her "thats my deepest fear, and its a very painful issue for me to discuss".

But she kept pushing and pushing at it. And it just made me uncomfortable and angry, and scared. I eventually hung up, and felt very upset.

So I think that filtered in there too.

Right now, I guess Im looking at things as this-I did the best I could under very difficult circumstances. But it still makes me angry having called, and speaking to that woman. I have tried EVERYTHING with my dad/family, including family therapy, to which he refused to turn up to despite agreeing to go, and lying about it all/offering to do things with him so we didnt have to sit face to face in awkward conversation, such as going to see a film (nope, he doesnt want to go see any film), I tried the same with other activities, but he has no interest. And I cant just make smalltalk with him as he has no interests, no friends, no knowledge, doesnt like anything, doesnt care about anything or anyone, and refuses to talk about the past or future. So its just very awkward painful silences.

And there were whole decades when I was young he had every opportunity to be involved in my life but chose not to.

So Im not to blame if I feel unable to deal with him now. Im not to blame if my emotions feel too painful to be around him as a result of all his neglect and awful treatment. I was the only one there for him in hospital when he got sick some time back, the rest of the family took the p*ss out of him behind his back and ignored him. And worse. Some talked of letting him die or encouraging him to when he was suicidal. My sibling even hoped he would openly so she could get his house.

And what did I get as thanks for my lifetime of putting up with his cr*p and helping him? I got treated far worse than the people who openly tried to profit from him. I got told how its always ME that is unbearable/difficult/horrible/using. Its crazy, it seems silly when I write it, yet it still hurts. Im apparantly the user though I asked for nothing and gave everything-yet the others are treated like and seen as angels, though they openly manipulate and laugh at him the whole time. And he KNOWS it, but never does anything.

Anyway. for the phone call, I wisely stuck to a mini script I created beforehand, which was just as well because right off the bat he moaned about what I had or hadnt done. I was therefore able to use my 'script' to find a goto subject to change things onto.

I kept it short, avoided slipping into giving assurances I didnt want to, and did the best I could to make it clear this was not a call to help him or because of feeling bad for him.

Hours later, I was weeping heavily, sobbing with so much old pain. Just wracked with hurt. Some of the most painful old stuff there is for me that I hadnt been in touch with for a long time. I kind of wrote an instrumental song to help me connect with the feeling.

It killed me. It was so painful as a child. 4, 5, 6 years old. Every day of every single year of my life to be honest. Just agony. Feeling like I was dying every day. So alone. So angry. Hurt. Confused. Utterly unloveable in my mind. I thought I was literally perhaps the ugliest boy on the planet. Sadly there's still a part of that thats strong in me.

All that neglect. Every day.

Anyway. I dont want to get overwhelmed with it today. I made space for it yesterday. Today I have some things I need to get on with. I wish I could find a therapist I could talk to about this stuff. One of the last ones I mentioned didnt even bother replying to my email. I had wanted to arrange a session to see if the previous obstacles could be overcome, or if she would be the same way. Yet it seems she instead has simply chosen to not reply at all.

Where does this all leave me? Fearful. A bit  lost. Scared where I go from here. My sleep has been horrible as a result of all this stress.

Despite sleeping pills, it has gradually slipped and gotten so bad I usually sleep around 5 in the morning and am up at 1pm. Well yesterday I couldnt sleep until 8am. The irony of which is that I feel shame about that due to my parents always shaming me for not being up at 'proper hours'-even though when they had depression, they slept all day sometimes.....

[sanmagic7]

sweetie, you're going thru so much right now.  possibly in an ef from talking with your father and everything that brought up.  how horrible for you.  i've lived so much of my life feeling confused, i can totally relate to what you said about it.  it's a terrible way to have to be.

the idea of death of the other person - i live with that daily, since going nc with my oldest d.  odds are that i will die first, but still.  for my own health, well-being, and sanity, i choose to let the death card lay in the middle of the table.  if it's something i need to deal with, i'll do that as it comes.

however, i will not feel guilty for taking care of myself.  what she has put me thru nearly killed me at least twice.  nearly destroyed my sanity, which is another type of death of my 'self'.  death is a real possibility at any time for anyone.  do we owe it to ourselves to take care of ourselves the best way we are able?  i believe the answer is yes.

i have to believe that we deserve the best life we can give ourselves.  i've eliminated a lot of people from my life based on this premise, some family, some friends, some t's, some work-related.  some of many, many years.  i don't believe i'd have come this far, gotten as healthy as i am so far, without doing that elimination.

i don't agree with what that woman said, and i think it was wrong of her to say it.  if we're trying to help people, we don't add guilt to their distress, which was what she did.

you will do what you feel best for yourself, of course.  i love the idea that you're able to turn much of this into a learning experience for you, finding out who you are, what works best for you.  i think that's something important for us to do.  i believe that the more we know about our 'selves', the easier it is to ultimately determine what helps or what hurts us, so the easier it is to avoid what hurts us and make more progress with healing.

this stuff ain't easy, but i admire how you're taking it by the horns and doing what you need to do.  i have no doubt you'll get thru it and come out the other side stronger and more knowledgeable.  best to you with this.  love and hugs.

[memorex]

woke up feeling incredibly low this morning. I have a lot of fears coming up lately but thats for another day when ive more time.

off to see a gig in a bit. two hour journey, three hour concert, two hours back. scares the proverbial out of me due to my social anxiety. wish I could talk to people, meet new friends, but the truth is im not there yet. I hope I'll enjoy the actual gig part, after all the fears, travel and so on.

truth is a lot of me will be glad when its over. I really feel a need to put my many broken pieces back together soon. I really need time, space to focus, and ideally from somewhere, some help. Trouble is that at this moment I dont know where the help may be from.

I also know I may not be seeing things equally fairly today due to fears about going out for this things. so maybe and hopefully, when Ive had time to settle another day, things will feel a bit more hopeful and achievable.