Memorex recovery jounral

[memorex]

really hurt and feel sad

fed up with people

[Hope67]

Hi Memorex,
I am sorry that you're fed up with people, and I just wanted to send you a hug and say 'hello' - if that's ok.   
Hope 

[memorex]

Thanks-its appreciated.

[memorex]

had the 'interview' for the mens group yesterday. ugh. I would give it a try for a few weeks to see how it is but I suspect even that would be a bad move.

the guy running it claims to be a psychotherapist also, yet says he both runs the group AND is part of it. Not as a metaphorical thing. He  added that he and another person who used to run it went through six months of just bickering and getting angry with each other in the group in front of everyone else and verbally attacking each other whilst 'running the group'. And it was too much for others, two of whom left.

He sees no problem with this. He thinks it is good.

First rule of healthy therapy is clear boundaries/not getting to involved as a therapist/not blurring positions. First thing he's doing is crossing that.

As for the rest? The moment I even mentioned a question about how do they maintain safe boundaries, especially in a town with such a large homosexual community, in a group of hurt and often confused and vulnerable individuals, he got very funny with me. Even though he'd just said I could ask anything, no matter what.

He eventually admitted he wouldnt care or know if people in the group had intimate sexual relations with each other.

I also mentioned my background in psychology, and he seemed childish in response; "oh, I can read ANY psychology book and understand it ALL". "Its all the same thing" (No mate, it isnt, and if you'd read the books, thats one of the first things you'd know)

He then got psychiatry and psychology confused....

So he's got next to no qualifications, doesnt respect healthy practises or boundaries (which are even advised in any 12 step programs), is emotionally confused himself, according to his own words, but has the ego the size of a planet and thinks he knows it all.

Danger.

This is pretty much EXACTLY as I feared it would be. I hate this town. Theres such a high level of kooks and fake experts. Then again, he's making about £250 a week from it, so maybe thats partly why he does it. I wonder what the other parts are....

So that was how it went down.

And yet-theres that part of me that yearns for acceptance and approval, and I was really bothered how I felt he was ruling me out the moment I raised any doubts or questions.

Its catch 22-I fear sharing my emotions and feelings because of possible rejection-yet when I do so, as there, I get rejected.

Maybe Im not practising healthy expression around the right people.

[memorex]

fudge it! frustrated today as an acquaintance asked to meet up and would like to but just not up to it due to social anxiety and other things. And despite a heatwave, had to close all the windows as the building is literally vibrating with noise due to a huge concert nearby.

NOT a nice day, and I was already really seriously struggling.  this is horrible.

[memorex]

People keep telling me to move on. And I feel like im complaining or moaning for not being able to. Part of me knows everyone with a painful past needs time to grieve it and heal in their own time, but  part of me fears Im just being self indulgent.

But how am I supposed to just 'move on' when new memories and pains and realisations surface every single day?

Things I had forgotten. Realisations about why I had been a certain way related to past things. Painful realisations about the way the world works I had never understood.

How am I supposed to just paint a fake smile on my face and ignore the incapacitating hurt and pain that comes from such things?

I've had two decades of bad treatment from my FOO. Followed by one and a half decades of being in  denial and not knowing things were so wrong.

Ive had barely one half of one decade to begin to process all this and learning to cope with it.

How am I supposed to ignore all the past or speed it up or pretend it never happened? I would give anything to be able to 'change' faster, but I cant.

Is the problem me, or is this just the best that can be expected of myself given what I've been through?

[sanmagic7]

the problem is not you, memorex, but what was done to you.  we are all only able to 'move on' at our own pace, sometimes in spits and spurts, sometimes with lengthy periods of time in between.  from personal experience, i know what it's like to have those realizations, etc., pop up, triggers, jabs and stabs, any and all of it, and they will definitely hinder our ability to move forward.

they all have to be dealt with, and that takes time and energy.  go as slowly as you need to, make it easy as possible, and take it easy on yourself.  how this is for you is completely individual.  this is not self-indulgence, but the process of personal healing. 

sending love and a warm, caring hug to you, sweetie.

[memorex]

Thanks. I guess part of my negative self talk comes from my FOO, and that was always telling me to hurry up, go faster, get things done and so on.

Suppose it partly explains my fears when Im low.

[sanmagic7]

what my foo never told me was that rest was important, too, in order to have enough energy for the next task.  i was also rushed into continually doing, doing, doing.  my neg. self-talk included my being lazy if i took a break.

it wasn't till i got into weightlifting (in my 30's) that i learned the importance of resting as a healing device.  when we utilize a certain muscle group, it's necessary to take a day off in order for those little rips in the muscles to heal.  that's what allows them to grow bigger and stronger.  lifting with them every day injures them over and over, and they will eventually break down.  then they're no good for anything.

same with us.  i know this from experience - i've had several breakdowns in my life until i finally could go no farther.  that's when i had to quit everything, and became virtually housebound.  not a good feeling for one who was pretty consistently active taking care of people and things, family and job.

so,  may i pass on the lessons i learned from my own neg. messages about taking time for myself.  i'd hate to see you get to the point where you simply can't anymore.  sending love and a hug full of care and understanding.

[memorex]

Theres some good lessons there for me Sanmagic.

[memorex]

Feel very frustrated today. Like everything Im trying runs up to a brick wall. So fed up with it.

[Hope67]

Hi Memorex,
I hope your day will get better as time goes on - sounds like a tough day.    to you.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope your frustration has lessened, memorex.  thankfully, these times of distress do usually end sooner or later.  i hope it's sooner.  sending love and a hug full of peace.

[memorex]

Really painful yearning yesterday. Cried a lot.

[sanmagic7]

perhaps a trip to the healing porch might help.  there's a place for you, a lovely blanket full of soothing and calm, lemonade and muffins if you care to indulge.  i hope you keep taking care of you as much as possible during this time, sweetie.  love and hugs to you.