Memorex recovery jounral

[memorex]

That sounds like a good idea. I'll be there in five. Think I'l have a blackcurrent tea.

[sanmagic7]

nummy - one of my favs.  see you there.

[memorex]

Weds entry

Had felt so exhausted, lonely lately, that planned to see a previous therapist I worked with. One I stopped because I didnt feel safe enough with her to go into deeper issues, and felt that while it had helped a little, it didnt seem to do much more.

I thought I'd see her for a little while until I felt a bit more stabilised. Now I learn she's busy until September at the earliest.

Feel hurt.

Feel lonely.A bit scared too.

[sanmagic7]

that sucks, sweetie.  it really does.

i think it was a really good idea you had about seeing her at least for stabilization.  i'm sorry you got stymied.  is it possible to let her know that if she has a cancellation to give you a holler? 

sending love and a hug of compassion and salve for the hurt you're feeling.  we're here with you as best we can be.

[memorex]

Sanmagic7

thanks, I am grateful for this site and the people on it. It helps to know its here. I mailed the therapist about possible cancellations, but tbh I dont hold out a lot of hope there. Guess I'll know I've done all I can though.

[memorex]

thurs

I kind of cant believe how insane the world is. I guess this is a bit of a vent/rant, but its also shock at seeing the way things are.

I realised the last few days I might qualify for use of a car due to my anxiety issues. Which sounded amazing at first, until I realised the additional costs. I would lose my bus pass, which saves me about £20 per week, fees for the car use would cost about £15 per week, and then of course theres petrol, about another £5 a week.

Aside from the £1,500 for training to drive, test cost and so on.

but what really got me was parking restrictions and cost.  I had no idea how crazy it is. I knew it was hard to park in areas-but I didnt know that in my entire city, there is no longer ANY free parking.

Not at hospitals if you are visiting a dying relative. Not by the beach if you want a quiet walk. Not anywhere near any shops if you need shopping.

And many of these areas charge £20 A DAY. (Not in protected car parks, just to park in the street).

And its the same in most other cities in my country now as councils have seen this is an easy way to make them money.

And obviously you cant park for free outside your own place, and unless you are lucky or wealthy, theres no garage or driveway.


So all of a sudden, the advantage and potential of having a car seems mostly pointless and an incredible drain on what little cash I have.

So much for 'free'.


Anyway, the whole thing bothered me also because I again couldnt believe the way average people are treated by our powerful, rich governments. It seems everybody is forced to pay for things ten times over. All to get stress and treated like dirt. Yet nobody ever does anything, or stands up and complains. Its insanity. Our so called public transport is shockingly bad-they have been in the news for literally treating customers in ways that you cant even treat cattle or farm animals.

So what are peoples choices? Public transport where people have been fainting due to being trapped unable to sit on airless overheating glass carriages, for hours, with no toilets, no windows, no seats, no water, no information, and not allowed to get off.

Or private transport where you pay to park. To park at home. For Insurance. For road tax, for MOT, for fuel. For repairs, For the car, All to get stuck in traffic for hours?

Only to read the car companies have been lying about car pollution readings and your car is pumping out higher levels of pollution than ever (but you will never get a penny back despite the fines the companies get).

Or you can cycle-except that there have been air pollution level warnings every day for the past month, warning people to avoid any exercise or even walking near roads, so since all cycle lanes here are by busy roads, your stuffed.

Or just get nowhere?

Of course, the rich elite are fine. Homes in the country with clean air. Private cars. Private planes, private airport lounges. Private housing with private streets and their own police forces and private healthcare.

The wealthy in our modern world LITERALLY dont ever come into contact with the poor anymore.

And Im just sick of how these super rich super powerful people are totally unaccountable to us, or to the law, yet have such power and influence behind the scenes. And yet they make their money through exploiting the poorest and most vulnerable. The more I learn, the more I realise that so called democracy and voting is just a front to make people think they have some impact and stop them turning to rioting or taking back control. Dont get me wrong, Im not advocating any non democratic means of protest. Im just shocked by seeing the truth of things, how impossible it all is, and how people, are really stuffed from the day they are born. Its a con game, a pyramid scheme. Everyday we read how even kids toys are made out of materials that cause cancer, but again, the wealthy mega corporations pay next to nothing fines, and the families affected dont see a penny.

Wal Mart circulated a memo among its top few owners, marked secret, that said that they had now managed to avoid most laws regarding unions, workers rights and so on, which was why their profits were so high, thanks to the huge political power and influence they now had among politicians. It openly said this.

Then it went on to say-"The remaining problem is that we may one day face the anger of the voter who realises what has happened, and manages to change the laws, which would affect our profits. Therefore, we need to figure out a way to try to affect political change in Washington to somehow scrapping the notion of voting, as democracy is the last obstacle we face"

I'll repeat that last bit -"SCRAP THE NOTION OF VOTING".

Like I said, the super rich never have enough money, have built kingdoms off the backs of exploiting everybody else, and OPENLY seek to ruin us more, take away our last few rights, for a few more bucks.

Rant over. Im out. To quote a singer "Stop the world, I want to get off".

[memorex]

Everytime I post how I feel I worry people must think im some kind of freak or go off me.

Ah, its hard.

Anyway.

Feel kind of sick today. Heavy. Groggy.

I still fear I cant take care of myself. I mean, I know I cant properly, yet. But I mean I fear I'll never get there, fear the level I can manage now is so low and so on.

I hope those are just fears. I mean, I guess Ive managed quite a lot, and some things I never thought I would, or would be able to face.

[Hope67]

Hi Memorex,
I know you're having a hard time at the moment.  Just wanted to say that I hope things are more bearable for you - and sending you a hug, if that's ok.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

memorex, i'm with you all the way.  i also know about all that stuff going on, and it's despicable, and there's not one thing we can do about it.  i now avoid the news as much as possible cuz i'm sick to death of having the same things slapped in my face over and over.  your rant didn't put me off - just wanted to let you know you have a sister-in-arms here.  it all sucks.

instead, i'll send some love your way - it's the only thing i know that can cure anything. 

[memorex]

Aw thank you guys. Really means a lot, and helps me feel a bit better.

I can see I've been having a tough time of things lately, but reading your comments and thoughts helped.

sanmagic7-I should probably avoid the news myself. Its silly really, Im so  drawn to reading about things and find it so hard to just avoid it. I tried to compile a list of wesbites I could browse when bored that isnt upsetting. Yet sooner or later I keep drifting back to wanting to know whats going on in the world...(!) Hopefully I'll find a better balance soon.! Meantime, im happy to have a sister in arms.

[memorex]

Saturday

Physically a bit rough again today. Stomach pains and such. Though I guess im worrying less about it, which is  a change. Doing all I can to alleviate the pain. anti inflammatory stuff, mint tea, and so on...

Still very lonely at times of the day-yet im also having a bunch of options open up to me that I had not expected. Still new to me, and dont feel up to trying to make sense of it all just yet, but its a good thing and has some potential....

Yet weirdly, at the same time, my view of my country keeps getting worse. It was admitted yesterday the government has been using CHILDREN as paid spies, in dangerous life threatening situations. And the government was caught admitting it spies on other kids. Deplorable. At least all those stories about using mobile phones and laptops to monitor citizens private activity make more sense now. But at least in the past it was thought to just be confined to spying on adults! And as usual, nobody batted an eyelid, the news reports were quickly forgotten, and Facebook was the usual fill of pictures of dinner and so on... It brings to mind the whole East Germany thing where everybody was afraid because they were all monitored 24 hours  a day. Only now, we PAY for those listening devices..(!) Sorry, went on a rant again..!

Anyway!-So. I am in this strange emotional state where I feel worse about such big issues, yet simultaneously, I also feel a bit more optimistic about my own issues and potential. I guess its definitely better than feeling hopeless about both, which is where I have been in the past!

'Strange days indeed', to quote John Lennon.

[sanmagic7]

my favorite quote about all this is from bob dylan - it's not dark yet, but it's getting there.

i'm just not surprised anymore by what's being done by whom to who.  all the rhetoric about these gadgets, how people so quickly got hooked on them, how prevalent they are, and how they are truly creating a disconnect phenomenon among humans, who need to interact person to person in order to thrive speaks to a major change that i cannot see is for the better.

still, i keep looking to my own world, my own healing, what's best for me and for those i care about, and i'm now satisfied with that.  i've been an activist much of my life for greater issues.  now my issues are closer to home and i give them more importance.  i'll be 71 this year, and have seen the evolution from a long ways back.  if we go to war, i'm sure someone will let me know.

hang tough, memorex.  do what you need to do.  i think the main thing is not to hurt ourselves with this crapola.   the madness will go on, and the stronger we can get within ourselves, well, i think that's the best we can do for the world.  care and love is what we can send out, and doesn't that make the world a better place?  love and hugs, sweetie.

[memorex]

Couldnt agree more. And im working to head in the same direction myself, moving from global issues to the personal level, in order to help myself. I just struggle sometimes with guilt over that. I suspect it is a hangover from when I was a kid and was shamed by my family for any time I focused on taking care of myself rather than giving my attention to them.

Its good to know theres others out there who see through whats going on with things. Let's just hope we're mistaken about the way people seem to be going(!)

[memorex]

Entry for yesterday

Possible trigger warnings(??)

Oh... not great. Feel some shame here, and some fear about where Im headed after yesterday due to what happened, and what I did.

I suddenly found myself with access to a free joint of marijuana.  Kind of like a sudden realisation that one had been left behind by someone. So I found myself with that temptation late at night, when I was feeling a bit bad.

I guess that sudden access bypassed my self care mechanisms. My sleep is so bad im not sleeping until 5.30am, But with the joint I didnt sleep until about 7am. Not good. Woke very tired 3.30pm. Really not good. And had eaten loads of unhealthy things when what was needed was taking good care of myself. I now feel bloated, guilty, and fear whats going on in me for doing such a thing.

Its also a bit hard as I can now see similar free access to more, and im going to have to fight to resist that urge the next time I feel low and its late and Im not thinking clearly.

Also what was horrible was I had about two or so horribly big panic attacks as a result of having it last night. Again, had fears of dying and throwing up which in the past have snowballed into worse. I managed to (partly) calm myself a bit by playing my guitar a bit, Using some grounding techniques and so on. Sadly, I know it still may not completely put me off being tempted by grass again. Right now, at least, I feel like I have no interest in ever touching the stuff again. It doesnt make me feel good, doesnt EVER make me feel relaxed, doesnt help me sleep, and obviously isnt good or healthy for me. I guess its a pattern of mine to keep staying with something unhealthy in the desperate hope that 'maybe the next time, it will help or be different' (probably because thats how I related to my family when I was young, out of fear and desperation).

Also-I know it sounds silly, but I always find free stuff so much harder to resist than if its something I've had to buy or go to effort for. It was also due to this thing being free to me yesterday that grabbed me. Ugh.

I dont know, maybe im being too hard on myself about yesterday, and it was just a slip, a result of being faced with a tempting situation I wasnt prepared for at a time of low defenses. I just feel bad, and very very rough right now. And as usual, a lot of shame, guilt, and some fear. Why do we repeat emotional patterns that hurt us?

Anyway. Im going to TRY to forgive myself, see it as a sign I must be upset and in need somehow, and try to focus on whats ahead of me, rather than on something that happened yesterday. But I gotta admit, I feel emotionally 'bad'.

[memorex]

God I feel so low. Theres just so little help available.