Memorex recovery jounral

sanmagic7 · July 24, 2018, 01:52:42 AM

when i was smoking regularly, i was having panic attacks nightly - this happened for 3 yrs. before i quit and they magically? stopped. i didn't know what they were at the time, just that if i was high when i tried to go to sleep for the night, i would stop breathing every time i began to fall asleep, or my throat would feel like it was closing up and i wouldn't be able to breathe.

not a fun way to live, but i did it over and over and over until i decided i didn't want to live like that anymore. same with cigarettes. quit, start, quit, start, until my lungs basically gave out and i physically can't smoke now. that's some pretty harsh reasoning for not smoking anything. self-care? more like self-preservation. but it took getting to that extreme before i finally stopped.

i hope it doesn't take that extreme for you, memorex. it's a horrible way to live, don't you think? my heart is with you on this one. love and hugs.

Hope67 · July 24, 2018, 08:09:50 AM

Hi Memorex,
Just popping by to say that I hope you have some better moments in the day today -

Hope

memorex · July 24, 2018, 03:47:50 PM

Thanks. Dont worry, Ive learned my lesson regarding smoking anything-for now at least.

Im just so frustrated at the lack of help there is, and scared by that fact too.

I just got done trying to contact various charities that the local authorities here 'claim' are everywhere and ready to help.

Of the list of 7 places I hadnt already tried, seven were shut down. Every. Single. One.

They were still listing places as open that had already been sold off to Corporations and converted into blocks of luxury flats!!!
All the 'reputable' websites get their information from the same place, so even the biggest places are currently listing help that is actually non existent.

This country is in such a mess, its infuriating and shocking.

Im just struggling to cope with the reality of all this. I had thought there were far more options available and help out there. There just isnt. It makes me feel overwhelming panic.

memorex · July 25, 2018, 02:28:51 PM

Feeling okay today, a bit unexpectedly.

Yesterday finally got my financial situation in better order than its ever been. A further step for me.

memorex · July 27, 2018, 03:55:11 PM

After contacting the council for local mental health alternative support services 2 weeks ago, I emailed after hearing nothing. Got nothing back. Phoned them. Waited half an hour. Phone went dead. Tried again. Woman there admitted shes the only person responsible for calls for an area with a quarter of a million people in a city known for mental health issues.

No wonder people say the government cuts are killing people.

And turns out they werent planning to reply to me. Because despite writing how I was desperate, I answered no to 2 questions, which, said the woman, means they disqualify you and dont even bother to tell you.

Earlier I called my dad. For many complex and conflicting reasons, after a lot of thought, I made the call.

It was upsetting to me. He sounded old and frail. But maybe he'd just woken after a sleep or had been doing something tiring, I dont know. I mean I guess he'd recently travelled abroad, so maybe cant be doing too badly if he's up to that...

Anyway, it was a short call as I wanted to keep it brief. I again used a kind of script to help me. And near the end he again asserted his feelings about something, and when I tried to assert mine, his tone went up, he got louder, and so on. It reminds me how he's always allowed to behave like a bullying spoiled brat, and I have to always remain calm, impervious and rock like around him. Even though thats not human, not fair, and not practical for someone to deal with. In short, its a reminder of how impossible things are there.

And yet I feel fear and guilt. Questions. Self doubts. What If I...? Maybe if I tried.....? Perhaps I should...?

Truth is, its a sad situation. I didnt create it. I didnt chose it. I tried to change it. Its a sad situation.

I guess its just hard for me to try instead to focus on the good things when im struggling to find so little help and other support.

memorex · July 28, 2018, 03:06:59 PM

Feel upset regarding the phone call. Old self doubts and so on. But for right now at least, I think I see through those and know to trust myself and my choices more.

Thanks goodness its cooler today and for the next few days. The weather was too much.

Feel anxious and upset at times. Better at others.

sanmagic7 · July 29, 2018, 02:10:19 PM

i'm really glad you're feeling like you can trust yourself more, memorex. i think that's progress. those phone calls/situations can be disturbing and they can also take some time to just let them filter thru until we're rid of them. those old patterns of communication die hard, tho. it's amazing to me how quickly we can fall back into them.

i hate that help and support isn't there when we're so clearly wanting it. the frustration can be relentless. sorry you've had such a bad time with trying to find what you need. sending you love and a hug full of 'hang tough, sweetie.'

memorex · July 30, 2018, 03:45:26 PM

I had planned to try something today, but I just feel to scared and afraid to do it.

Its because I feel theres so little help right now that I just couldnt face yet another letdown. Right now I would actually prefer to at least keep the option in mind as some kind of hope than to be faced with yet another option gone. Theres so few of them left.

I know in a few months things will HOPEFULLY be different, but right now, its so incredibly hard.

Im also gutted because my sleep is even worse. Woke at 3pm today still tired. I wonder how common it is for others to have their sleep ruined and hours shifted by depression/fear etc?

sanmagic7 · July 30, 2018, 11:04:25 PM

i've been sleeping in chunks for more years than i can remember. 4-5 hrs. a night, 2-3 hr. nap during the day, maybe a snooze in my rocking chair later in the day. i usually only feel 'good' for a couple hours right after i wake up, then the 'tired' hits again.

i've decided to accept it (i've had shrinks tell me i need to tend to my 'sleep hygiene') that this is how it is. since i'm retired, i don't have to worry about staying awake all day at my job anymore, but by the time i was in my early 50's, i would fall asleep in my office in the afternoon while reading reports. it was horrible.

my heart goes out to you, and anyone with sleep problems. i think it's quite common in this community. our brains have been scrambled by trauma, after all. i hope you eventually find some relief. love and hugs.

memorex · August 01, 2018, 02:59:14 PM

Its a pain isnt it? I always had the same problem as far back as school. After lunch especially, I literally couldnt think and felt almost delirious. And it stopped me working jobs in some cases like you mentioned.

memorex · August 01, 2018, 03:07:30 PM

Weds journal (for tuesday)

Its been an EXTREMELY hard 24 hours-for some reason issues and emotions about my dad have come up in me more than ever.

I was in tears in the afternoon over how much he hurt me again and again as a child, then in the evening I was in tears over how much I love him.

The only good thing is its the first time I was aware of both, didnt try to deny/solve/ignore one or the other.

Had a painful dream where basically found out he hadnt long to live.

Woke up very distressed. VERY. Feared literally wouldnt be able to cope if he did die soon, what with how things are for me at the moment. Managed to gradually calm myself somewhat. And I know things will change for me soon. I just fear more bad things to deal with at the moment since its such a hard time.

Anyway, still very emotional about it now. I can see he's just a severely damaged person, incapable of love, balance, truth, or anything that is important to be a parent generally(!)

Hurts a lot though still.

Im also upset about local news in my area in Britain. It mentioned how a local nursery school for three and four year olds was given a poor rating by the government...for not reporting any kids as 'potential future terrorists'(!!!!!!!)

I am not exaggerating one single bit.

What an evil country this is. Forcing nursery carers to SPY and report INFANTS!!

Im not for a second saying other places may be better than us, but lets be honest, this is just evil. Utter madness.

memorex · August 03, 2018, 03:25:19 PM

The overly hot weather is back. And theres a huge annoying festival in town this weekend that is a right pain in the proverbial.

And I gotta head into town today.Not a great combination.

Managing to get to sleep and get up an hour or so earlier than was lately so thats something. Was gutted yesterday when another potential therapist said was fully booked up again.

Not feeling great about my image today. Some moments I catch myself in the mirror and am happy enough. Some moments im shocked and upset.

Hope67 · August 03, 2018, 05:40:43 PM

Hi Memorex,
I hope you cope ok with the trip to town, and the heat and the festival.

to you, and I'm glad you have some moments when you feel ok about your appearance. Hoping those 'happy enough' moments last longer.
Hope

memorex · August 04, 2018, 05:55:26 PM

So now my internet is down and will be for four days at least. Only managed to post this due to complicated freak occurrence and a lot of work.

Just what I needed on top of everything else since I rely on the net so much.

I feel like Sandra Bullock (whimsical reference to a much forgotten film called 'The Net'...)

memorex · August 06, 2018, 12:23:45 PM

managed to get temporary net coverage but not sure how long will last. Awful, awful night. Woke up gasping for air so many times. Constantly aware how tense my body was but unable to relax it. So many nightmares. None of it restful. Non stop fears about my health.

Im just not coping. All I see are the huge tasks ahead of me in my life, and I've no energy, support, or stamina to do them. And I hate to think I'll be stuck where I am.