Memorex recovery jounral

[Deep Blue]

Memorex,
I'm usually reading your journal, even when I don't post.

You did the right thing.  I wonder if you stumbled upon a sociopath? They don't do well when caught in their lies.

I'm so sorry for all you went through but am proud of you for closing the book on a therapist who obviously isn't worth your time.

[memorex]

im thankful for this site today

having a weird one. I dont feel able to face anyone today. Just cancelled my grocery delivery as cant even face faking a smile for that small interaction, or even cleaning myself up for it. Had this before. Kind of just wanted to stay in bed today.its weird,ive never allowed myself to want to stay in bed before. Always told myself I had to do more.

Part of me now worries its a sign Im struggling that I want to stay in bed. And part of me is just relieved to be able to allow myself such yearnings rather than beating myself up for them.

Having said all that, Im now about to force myself to do things...(!) 

[sanmagic7]

i think it's progress that you even entertained the idea of staying in bed since it's different from before.  well done.

we do so much work that isn't tangible when battling this beast, i think it's necessary to rest every so often, take the day off, stay in bed if that's what feels best.  no guilt, no shame, a time to refuel and regroup, which is a very real thing.  i believe it's called self care.   love and hugs.

[memorex]

Tough day ahead. Had to be up way earlier than I've been up for months and Im feeling it. Desperately just want to go to sleep. Have plumber coming to do repairs though so cant.

Then an electrician after. Then shopping delivery after that. Then gotta go to doctors for something. Sooooo sleepy just want to curl into a ball and sleep!

[memorex]

Really difficult past few days. Today especially, regarding my emotions. Everything I do today comes with a boatload of painful emotional baggage from the past that hurts my heart.

Its all I can do to try to remind myself it hopefully wont always be this difficult.

[Blueberry]

  Just a thought - the emotional baggage you're feeling could be connected to all the appointments you had on the 21st. Sounds a lot to me. Even if I manage so much in one day, which isn't a given, I then tend to collapse the next day or possibly for several days afterwards.

[memorex]

Yeah its a good point. I think part of the problem is I struggle with accepting my limitations there. I dont want to admit that thats how much things affect me. Even though it does. And not accepting it doesnt help things.

[memorex]

Mon 24th entry

today been confirmed the repairs will mean they need access to my home even EARLIER in the day. At a time I havent been able to be up for since literally a year ago. Oh heck. My mood is completely affected by my sleep. I feel in a bottomless hole when I dont get enough. Utter despair and pain when Im so tired and shredded. Dreading this.

Aiming to put it off until middle of next week.

[memorex]

Hooray! I dont feel horrific today! (apologies for the dark humour, but hey).

Will see how the day goes, but I woke feeling somewhat better today. Yesterday I called the Samaritans, went for a walk, and other things to help myself.

Well, whatever its due to, I feel a little calmer, and at peace.

Also saw a film yesterday that lifted me.

[memorex]

Felt bad by the end of the day. Especially about my self image. Today my mobile seems to be severely faulty. Great....

Also had to put up with a total scumbag on a well known internet auction site. A total wack job. Kept sending me bizarre rant filled emails and despite everything STILL left bad feedback. I appealed to the site owner and we'll see what happens, but its more junk thats stressful that I dont want to have to be dealing with.

Today is part 2 (of how many parts?) of home repairs. Supposed to be here in a couple of hours to sort the bathroom. Ugh. HATE this SO much. Im currently trying to sort my sleeping to the next level, so I can be up for when the boiler repairs are due. I feel so rough and just kind of physically 'icky'.

Had intended to get my hair cut tomorrow but dont think I can face the social interaction stress. I HATE being this way and dealing with all this.

[Three Roses]

  if you want one, memorex.

[memorex]

Everything went wrong yesterday. Too painful to describe.

And thats without seeing a small girl nearly get hit by a car in front of me, then having the mother not give a cr*p when she found out and ignore her daughter's wellbeing.

I've gone into more detail on that in the having a difficult day section.

I wanted to write about another horrible part of yesterday here. Because it sounds so complicated and is hard to communicate.

Basically, the more I learn about this town Im in, the more I see what a horrible vile place it is.
But I dont have the means to move yet. Sadly, I was raised in this town. Of ALL the places I could have been raised, WHY here??

As a kid I was brainwashed into thinking it was great, but now I know the truth.

Theres countless statistics I could reel off about it that I see every day.

2nd highest rates of suicide in the country.

Highest rates of heroin addiction.

Highest number of pubs and alcoholism, etc, etc.

Its not even as if this place suffers from poverty-its actually quite a wealthy area. But its the most shallowest, vacuous, fake, narcissistic, self obsessed horrible place there is. And it kind of even has a bit of a global reputation for some of this stuff.

And its getting worse by the day, which is really upsetting me and driving me crazy.

I also strongly suspected that the place even had HISTORIC links to really messed up things.

And, yesterday, I finally got confirmation of some of those suspicions. Some I already knew about. But never on this level.

Im not going to go into any detail. It can all be looked up on Google anyway. But, in brief, it basically turns out that a celebrated
SATANIST (no, Im not kidding), was celebrated here, to the point where he even had his funeral here when he died. He was world famous, (and still is), and basically made Satanism known in popular culture, to the point where he was even put as one of the figures on the most famous Beatles album. You probably know who I mean by now.

This scum bag preached about the occult, about sexual sacrifices, about knowing people who raped and abused kids and so on.

And he was CELEBRATED in this flipping town!!

I know theres ways of looking at all this, like, well that was a long time ago-but it makes a lot of sense with this towns preoccupation with really messed up things and how a lot of people who move here from other places are always into really dark messed up things.

Every day I think-SURELY this place cant get any worse? And every day it seems to.

Tomorrow I'll probably find out Hitler used to spend his vacations here, or something equally messed up.....(!)

[Three Roses]

Wow, that really is messed up. I'm in your corner, cheering you on. It's a horrendous feeling to know these things actually went on in the world anywhere, without knowing that they were happening in the past in the town where you now live.

[memorex]

I mean its just insane really, isnt it? The level of it blows me away! For instance-literally a few hundred yards from where Im sitting there's also a 'globally celebrated' site, for people into all that 'Dark Arts' stuff, apparantly!

No mention of this at the actual site-but there it is, in black and white, written about in many books on that kind of thing. Known to many people.

And it's right in the middle of a kids park (of course....!)

Something very sick about my country.

I already knew about a world famous artist who was an admitted pedophile who repeatedly did horrible things to his own daughter. He lived in the town before he died. Similarly, all that stuff has been conveniently ignored now, even though he published his own journals where he kept dates and times of what he did. They're still available right now on Amazon or any mainstream bookshop.

And yet his artwork is STILL celebrated at the highest levels in this country, seen by millions every single day; Whilst the other things he did are quietly 'forgotten'.

Talk about messed up!!

[memorex]

Forgot to mention the name of the self admitted abuser. Arthur Eric Rowton Gill. His big sculpture still adorns the BBC main building in London. He also raped his sister as well as his daughter. Its all there on Wikipedia and many other news sources.

He invented the most popular type face in the world, 'Gill Sans', which is used on EVERY single London Underground sign, map, and street name in the country.

So millions see his works every day. Crazy isnt it.

Im all for the idea of being able to separate the art from the artist, but there's limits....