Memorex recovery jounral

Hope67 · May 05, 2018, 01:48:06 PM

Hi Memorex,
You are certainly trying to get somewhere in seeking a therapist who might be able to meet you requirements - but I can see it's a frustrating path you've tread so far. I hope that you won't give up - and I hope you'll find someone who will be able to provide you with what you're looking for.

Just wanted to say that, because it can feel soul-destroying sometimes - and that's not a good feeling.

of support and wishing you well.
Hope

memorex · May 05, 2018, 06:06:01 PM

And right when im feeling weak, my horrible FOO try to contact me, despite all my requests and explanations.

Typical.

Right away, due to past experiences at their hands, Im triggered, and fearing the worst-has someone died? Are they going to turn up outside my front door in a few hours? Etc.

The only good thing is I am more aware now than ever the physical and psychological cost of their actions on me. The reality is it may just be one of my parents angry at me for not doing what they want and contacting them-but look at the cost to me.

I feel relatively ok after an initial wobble-but past experience tells me I'll be affected more later and tomorrow. Im jumping at every distant car door slam I hear now, fearing its them. I hate them for what they did to me.

DecimalRocket · May 06, 2018, 10:49:54 AM

I'm sorry this has happened to you, Memorex. It must be incredibly stressful to be so paranoid. Sometimes I feel that way when trusting new people.

Here.

memorex · May 06, 2018, 04:23:05 PM

Thanks.

Everything is there for a reason sadly. The reaction to such noises dates back to a specific time when I had reason to fear such sounds. Horrific. Resulted in the police regularly, my dad ending up in prison, parental fake suicide attempts to get sympathy on christmas day in front of the grandchildren who were young. and more.

memorex · May 08, 2018, 12:59:02 PM

Ugh. Another pointless therapist scheduled for today. Dreading it, and the disappointment and reopening of painful memories again.

Dont think I'll be booking one for a while after this. Need a break and maybe a permanent one from it. Hate it. Total waste of time and money and effort. More promises down the phone of being happy to not analyse and teach but to empathise, learn and be present. Until I get there and she'll no doubt revert to type and do exactly what she said she wouldnt, Then at best she'll realise and admit she cant do it and charge me fifty quid. Great. Another day gone. Another hope gone. Another fifty quid gone, and I'll be left half opened up like a can of worms to cope on my own.

F**k that.

Seeking Solace · May 08, 2018, 01:16:54 PM

I too am seeing a new therapist today. There have been many over the years. Some helped, some NOT at all. Your comment about the half opened can of worms is absolutely perfect to express how it feels. Thanks for putting into words what I cannot.

I am nervous and anxious... there is so much riding on this. My H left nearly two weeks ago and has asked me to get help and support so we can try to work through this CPTSD and BPD malestrom. He has BPD -- I have CPTSD. The fact that he is still talking to me is a miracle in of itself. He has been going to therapy off and on for awhile, but only one of us can go at a time. Can't afford the whopping bills with no insurance.

For what it's worth, hope you find what you need. I have read through parts of your journal and my heart goes out to you... please don't give up. So many people have let you down in life, you can't afford to let yourself down by giving up on finding the right support. Coming here was definitely a step in the right direction. I will be checking in and will make myself available too for you -- maybe we can awkwardly cheer each other on.

...now the awkward part...

memorex · May 10, 2018, 03:09:02 PM

overdid it yesterday. Had promised myself would take time out, relax, after recent stressful times, but got caught up with things, couldnt stop. Maybe didnt want to. felt so frustrating though.

Today feel almost physically ill. Today am gonna give it my best shot to just chill, take time out, slow down. Hope I feel better soon.

memorex · May 10, 2018, 03:15:04 PM

SeekingSolace;

"He has BPD -- I have CPTSD."

That sounds like a tough combination. I had a similar situation myself in the past. How did it go with your new therapist? Fingers crossed anyway.

DecimalRocket · May 11, 2018, 12:43:06 PM

Well, hope you feel more rested, Memorex. Sometimes I feel so tired after getting stressed that I feel sick too.

sanmagic7 · May 11, 2018, 02:43:38 PM

hope you got some rest and feel a bit more vitalized, memorex.

that whole therapist thing just sucks. so frustrating. wishing you the best for your new one. same for you, solace. i just want people to be helped, not hindered, by the ther. process. it's heartbreaking to me to read all the stories here of how that hasn't happened.

love and hugs, memorex

memorex · May 11, 2018, 05:07:43 PM

thanks everyone. Every hug is very welcomed. Have been able to get some rest thankfully, though for some reason my insomnia was bad / weird last night. TBH its an improvement that I granted myself the rest I did yesterday-I usually have a hard time 'allowing' myself to rest. So thats something.

Blueberry · May 11, 2018, 07:58:44 PM

on allowing yourself to rest! I used to have trouble allowing myself that too.

I'm sorry finding a T is so difficult.

sanmagic7 · May 14, 2018, 01:23:38 AM

it is something, and it counts. yay for you. love and hugs, memorex

memorex · May 14, 2018, 02:08:51 PM

feel broken. managed to go to codependecy support group after a gap. felt pleased was able to make it. felt didnt want to share as felt too raw, but also felt desperately wanted connection and to feel part of it. I always dread the end, where everyone seems so happy to talk to each other, everyone seems to know each other and be so friendly-but not to me. The most I seem to get is an awkward forced half smile and a quick turn away. Makes me wonder if Im so ugly or theres something so wrong with me people cant bare to face or talk to me. I tried to hang about a bit today, against my better judgement, hoping would be different. The moment it ended, everybody was chatting loudly like a long lost family reunion. Yet again im there like an idiot, by myself, awkwardly alone.

Had to get the heck out soon as I could. Couldnt stand it for long. Dont other people sometimes come and talk to others? So why not me? I've never understood it. Hurts like *. Retriggers some of my most painful childhood memories of being forced to socialise in awful situations. It hurt like * then and it hurts like * now.

I feel totally screwed. Im scared to be alone, and scared to be around new people. How the heck am I ever supposed to get somewhere from here. I feel unfixable and beyond help.

Hope67 · May 14, 2018, 03:05:34 PM

Hi Memorex,
I don't like social situations either - I think they are incredibly challenging, in so many ways.

I just wanted to say that I think you did well to go and attend that session today - and I feel disappointed to hear that noone made an effort to talk to you at the end of the session - especially as you were able to tolerate the situation and stayed there longer - to try to connect. I think that shows resilience - truely.

I can understand that it would re-trigger painful childhood memories, and I wish there was a way to help with the hurt.

Actually, I'm thinking about the fact you were able to go to that Codependency group after a gap - I think that's incredible - I'm not sure I'd have been able to do the same. Maybe the fact there had been a gap, meant that the others had ended up being able to make closer bonds - and it was purely that, which made it difficult for them to include you? I don't know - but I think you showed strength to do that, and whilst I know you feel broken now, I really hope that you'll be able to move forward from this.

to you Memorex.

Hope