Memorex recovery jounral

[DecimalRocket]

Hi memorex, I'm sorry to hear you felt lonely.  Hope has already put what I wanted to say in words, but I'm glad you made a small step in opening up too. 

[memorex]

well-yesterday was pure *. The noise and lack of privacy and so on around my home were so bad I gave up and temporarily decided to move to a different part of the country, though worried I cant afford it and so on. Just awful.

I later did some research online and MIGHT have found some ways to reduce noise in my home and so on, but it drives me crazy how much work, money and effort it will be just to get what should be a basic human level of quality in my life.

On the plus side....

On my second submission attempt only, I got a photo successfully approved by my City's local paper to be their picture of the day. Its not a huge thing, and I dont win anything, but the paper is for a city with a population of around a quarter of a million people, and its the first competition kind of thing I've EVER submitted one of my pictures to, and only my second submission even then. And not even my best pictures.

Im kind of jazzed about it, if you can't tell!

[Blueberry]

  on the photo competition!

[sanmagic7]

o, sweetie, that's so wonderful.  i can't tell you how happy i am for you.      love and hugs.  i think it took amazing courage to submit, so kudos to you.

[Hope67]

Brilliant to hear that you have had a photo submission accepted - Congratulations!   
Hope 

[memorex]

Thanks for the messages regarding the picture.


Todays entry

Its 2am, local time, and Im lonely as heck. At various points today I wasnt far off of phoning a parent I had cut off. Fears of 'what if theyre already dead and I'll never see them again'. Fears even of me dying.

I think I pushed myself too hard lately. Especially the other day. Stripping wallpaper, painting, filling, papering, sanding, and so on until I was almost shaking with exhaustion. And right when I go to relax, some horrible thugs outside my flat were urinating in a skip in the middle of the street in daylight. Made me feel like im crazy for trying to redecorate, and like its all for nothing, and like I should just get the heck out of here and move. Felt better when I'd slept, but as I say, after I was tired again today, big doubts about my actions came up regarding my parents.

I guess when Im very stressed I always doubt myself and fear the worst. I HATE bank holidays, and this weekend is one of them. Bad associations with the past. I always feel lonely, anxious and at a loss.

And the weather means its going to be crazy crowded in the town and local area for the next few days. I hate it. I feel lonely, compelled to 'do' and 'act' and find it hard to rest, and my anxiety over all this is making it even harder to try to be with my thoughts or find enough peace to soothe myself. My mum always forced me to stay out of the house when the weather was ok (locked me out for hours). I still feel huge pressure as a result to do this. Crazy isnt it? Decades ago, and still when its sunny, I feel anxious and like I 'SHOULD' be outside, artificially forcing myself to enjoy the weather. But thats the way it is. I'd like to just relax, maybe have a bath and read a book. But that old voice in my head says "no, youre wasting the weather and time, you cant do that".

Some days I think if there was a magic pill to erase those memories and the effect of them, I'd take it in a heartbeat.

Anyone wants to throw a hug my way, I'd appreciate it.

[Hope67]

I'd like to just relax, maybe have a bath and read a book.

I very much hope that you're able to do what 'you' would like to do this weekend, and that you can keep those memories at bay, to allow yourself space to relax - having a bath and reading a book, that sounds blissful and a great idea.

I also want to extend a warm and supportive hug -  Memorex.

Hope 

[memorex]

Hope
Thanks for the support. Im aiming to try to relax this weekend...whether it'll happen or not we'll see!


Todays entry

I noticed three distinct times yesterday when I was really stressed and really felt a strong urge to contact my FOO. I dont know which of those two things is the cause; the stress, or the missing. It feels chicken and egg. Maybe a bit of both.

All I know is last night was one of the hardest I've ever had. So painful. All my dreams were of me lying in bed and crying loudly. Being alone and homeless and lost. Being attacked and fearful.

Im considering calling my parents address just to hear theyre still alive, but to not let them know its me and hang up without saying anything.

It ocurred to me that my desire to know they are alive is a reasonable human thing, not the same as wanting to get involved with them. Im not even sure right now how much difference it would make as right this second Im not really thinking or fearing about them being alive. I just dont understand whats going on with me.

I just know I feel so alone sometimes and unable to change it without a lot of slow painful change involving years of work. And at those moments I just feel so painful, so upset, alone and hurting, and often hopeless.

Im HOPING the frequency of this lately is just a sign of temporary things of pushing myself too hard, the bank holiday/weather and some other things that have happened. But its SO painful. And there are SO many problems and difficulties im also having to deal with that are stressing factors in my life.

I dont think I've ever enjoyed two days in a row in ten years unless its when I was on holiday abroad.

[sanmagic7]

memorex, i relate to those messages about 'having' to be outdoors and enjoy the weather when it's good.  they are so pushy, so full of judgment and expectation, and i hate them.

i'm not much of an outdoors person, per se.  i like fresh air, so i keep a window open whenever possible.  thru that window, i enjoy seeing the outdoors and what the weather's like, and i've accepted that about myself now.  i don't have to be in it to enjoy it.

besides, i don't think of weather as good or bad - it's just weather, it changes, it manifests itself in different ways.  i enjoy seeing rain and wind just as much as sunshine.  it's been tough to push those old messages aside, tho, but i think i've finally gotten there after years and years of battling them.  i believe what helped turn that around for me was focusing on me, what i like, and accepting that.  it seemed that the more i accepted me, the less those outside messages were able to push me around.

i do hope you can find your own manner of enjoyment for the weekend, no matter what it might be.  be easy with yourself as much as possible, ok?  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Hope67]

Hi Memorex,
to you, and hope this weekend will be a reasonable one for you.  It's very hot where I am. 
Hope 

[memorex]

Thanks for the insights and support. they all help.

Entry
Ive felt uncomfortable about posting lately. I know why. I felt worried people would think less of me if I put what had been happening lately. A few weeks back I was desperate to find a therapist who wouldnt always analyse everything, but would also sometimes be able to simply empathise, listen, give insight and so on.

I was in a bad place, and thought maybe what I was looking for was way too much. So I called a therapist out of the listings, one who I had previously not considered because I didnt feel keen on her profile. Just had a funny feeling she would be brittle.

I talked to her on the phone and she said what I wanted was perfectly reasonable. I was desperate, so immediately went ahead and booked a session. She seemed quite insecure about asking me questions, though I had said she could ask me anything, so long as I could obviously chose not to answer. She fumbled and stuttered around the questions with long preambles of "Have you...no-well...I dont know if I should ask this...maybe its not right for now...but obviously its up to you...you could....though actually..er.." and so on, before getting to a question. Anyway. No big deal. Did strike me as lacking confidence though, The 'Brittle' thought came back to my mind.

Right at the end of the second session, she asked me about my past, and I mentioned how I'd had near death things when young, but that I didnt want to go into that further yet, since it was nearly time up (literally 4 minutes on the clock left, and she sticks to time limits), and I knew enough to not go into deep emotional waters right at the end and so early in sessions-that was something I learned from a previous therapist who pointed it out to me as important regarding taking care of yourself.

I also felt this was doubly so, in the context of CPSTD, as there is literature on the importance of avoiding 'Retraumatisation', and the need to go gently at a comfortable enough pace.

Now, I had actually specifically and carefully explained all this to her in the first session, as she knew nothing of CPTSD.

And yet, she kept pushing. And pushing. I felt upset and worried she was not suitable as I had hoped. And then, right as time was up, she casually mentioned she was on holiday next week so would be away.

I said she could have told me that at the start of the session, as it affects how well things can be picked up and continued for the next week. Instead, I'd have to sit with that can of worms she had just smashed open by myself for an extra week.

So. Finally we have the next session, and I said I wished to discuss what happened then and how this was going because that was a big problem for me, as I'd explained, relating to CPTSD and effective care.

Immediately her whole demanour changed, she drew her legs up, crossed her arms, leaned back (all the obvious defensive stuff), her voice rose an octave(!) and she just so funny with me that I eventually had to point out to her. I said I dont understand this, I just want to try to discuss things to find a way through the difficulties here, yet you've suddenly become angry and defensive (...again, 'brittle@ came back to me...) .

She then switched to analysis and answered every question I asked with a question. I explained in response that, as we discussed on the phone, I didnt want to have everything analysed, and this was a simple practical issue, one that should easily be resolved, or we could discuss it and find it cant, but without discussion, how could we know or proceed?

She then said "Its up to you to decide if you want therapy here or to go somewhere else". I know that, I thought. She then proceeded to repeat this phrase LITERALLY eight times (I counted), in the next ten minutes. Finally, I said, "I dont need to be told things eight times thank you".

Then she tried "I doubt your commitment to this and you never answer questions". That was ludcirous. I pointed out all the time, energy to get there, money, and stress this was costing me, and asked her to speifically name a single question I had not answered apart from the one right at the end of the last session (which I said I'd talk about when there was more time anyway!). I said thats not true and you know it, especially since I asked you to ask me anything. I said that if anything, she had seemed uncomfortable asking me things. I also said she had been refusing to answer any question I had tried asking today.

"go on then", she said, "ask me anything, ask me". Since time was up, and she had ignored my previous ten questions, I gave up.

So. She had mentioned some kind of personal issue had happened lately, so maybe she was having an off day. That I could accept. But from the start I just got this vibe off of her as someone lacking confidence, incredibly brittle, which is not practical in therapy. Theres GOT to be room to be able to put therapy aside for a moment and tackle any relational or practical difficulties that come up and block the way. Yes, sometimes those problems are reflective of deeper patterns and problems-but me simply explaining how it was worrying for me and not a good idea regarding CPTSD to jump into huge subjects at the ends of sessions is not a personal issue, its a practical one. And if she cant discuss that without becoming offended, or defensive or whatever it was that took her over, then I cant see this is going to go anywhere. And that upsets me obviously. I also hate the idea of paying out another £50 ($75?), just to lose an hour so she can again be weird with me and leave me feeling frustrated.

Anyway. I am still angry, and confused, about it, and have a lot going on at the moment. I uncovered a potential structural problem with my home (hopefully its ok, but Im trying to get it checked out, and at best, its going to be difficult), I began making music again yesterday, after literally a three or four year gap, and last week I met someone from the support group for a coffee (though it upset me how hard I found that, and how much it drained me). Obviously theres been other stuff going on too lately.

But I just wanted to splurge about the therapist stuff, because Im worried im being perfectionist, and it was stopping me posting here.

I suspect I'll probably try another session with her, and explain my concerns about her and how it seems to be getting in the way of addressing practical problems. But I fear, and strongly feel, that it will just result in a repeat of the last time. Except this time it'll cost me more upset, and an additional fifty quid..... (sigh).

[Deep Blue]

Memorex,
None of us think less of you.  I say that with confidence 

I think it was good self care to try a new T when you were struggling.  It sounds like this T may not be a good fit.  I've learned to trust my gut on this.  I think your gut is telling you this T is not right for you too.  Take care and we are behind you no matter what you choose.

[sanmagic7]

absolutely what deep blue said, memorex.

if your gut is telling you that seeing this t again will only be more of the same, maybe your gut is onto something, and it's time to find someone else.  i don't believe you were being perfectionistic at all - i thought you were coherent, laid out what you needed in the context of therapy, and much more in tune with what therapy is about (like not opening that can of worms at the end of a session).

that was all very reasonable, to my mind.  what doesn't seem reasonable is the behaviors of that t.  expressly changing the therapeutic style to one you already noted you didn't want, taking on that defensive posture and offended stance, criticizing you for something you didn't do - no, wrong.  uh uh.  it wasn't you memorex, and if you don't go back to her i wouldn't blame you.

keep taking care of yourself.  i admire how you stood up to her, how concise and precise you were in explaining what you wanted, and held your boundaries.  you go!  well done.  she's in the wrong, not you.   love and hugs.

[Hope67]

Hi Memorex,
I think you did well to handle this situation - it sounds as if your therapist wasn't very good, at many levels.  I think you were wise to listen to your gut instinct - and I hope very much that you will be able to address these issues - either with her, or with a new therapist, depending on how you decide to proceed - but whatever you decide, I would like to wish you the best with it.   
Hope 

[memorex]

thanks guys. I appreciate the thoughts. I've only felt strong enough to reply today.

todays entry
I decided to take a break from the previous therapist for a couple weeks, then email her and see if she is prepared to accept things were not right that day, and see if either she would change that, or have a good reason for it, and assure me it would not happen again. And if not, then I guess Im done with her. I'll message her in  a few days with that.

In the meantime, although its not meant to be done, I wanted to consider my other options, and see what the other modalities are like, so arranged an appointment with a counselling psychologist. However, I am wary here, as they are very 'paper based', and insist on loads of detail, tests and hours of questions.

Now I dont have such a problem with that in itself, but for me, its vital to know if I feel comfortable with the person BEFORE I feel able to commit to ripping open my heart and telling them every problem I have and every thing that was done to me-and especially so as a cptsd sufferer, since the risk of retraumatisation in doing so is something to be considered,

But I am so vulnerable I just get sucked into these things. I tried explaining to the woman all this, but she just threw a tonne of these questions at me and a barrage of questionnaires and tests to fill in. And now today, I again feel like a can of worms someone has torn open, then cast aside on the side of the street.

At the end of the session she said it would take at least another hour to continue the tests BEFORE I can just have a 'regular' session and see how I feel about working with her and how she is. To me thats utter insanity and backwards. Especially for CPTSD. I need to feel comfortable with someone and how they work 'normally' BEFORE I can turn myself inside out for them.



And doing the math means all this would cost me £210, three painful hours, and three weeks of sessions, BEFORE I could even get a chance to know if this is right for me. Thats utter insanity to me. Its not the money, though it is part of it, its the painful delving into my past before I get any sense of them.

It drives me crazy though. Psychotherapy isnt very scientific-but at least its less painful as you get to see how you feel with the person before tearing yourself open-whilst Psychology is (supposedly anyway) scientific, but stupidly strict on insisting you bare your soul for hours before you then get a clue of how it will be, and so may then have to walk away having gone through such pain and be left to deal with it by yourself.

I know I go on about this-but its what makes me crazy about the whole field of therapy, even speaking as someone with quite a few qualifications myself. Despite all the claims of there being so many approaches, each of them is just so entrenched and didactic and extreme, and there's not enough balance between them. None that takes a practical balanced approach. I think it works fine for a range of problems, and a range of people. But I also believe strongly that for a different range of problems and people, its useless.

Which I guess would explain why theres so many people out there who feel lost when it comes to therapy,

Anyway.

Im gonna call this one (the psychologist) and explain my feelings and see if she'll agree to a session thats 'normal' and how I dont feel able to continue with all the tests until I know more, especially in relation to CPTSD and retraumatization risk.

Actually Im going to stop this entry to call right now....

...no luck, answerphone. Left a message, now gonna be waiting anxiously for the call....

on a weird side note, this therapist tried her hand at acting once apparently, so Im in the unusual position of seeing her screaming at the top of her voice in a short film she did.... weird...!

I had some old friends from the past get in touch again lately about meeting up, but unfortunately I just totally dont feel up to it right now. I never felt able to tell them any of my problems, and dont feel able to put on a happy front. I feel mixed about it though and its painful. a part of me would like to be able to go. I guess a part of me doesnt want them to go ahead without me either or feel left out.

Urgh, I hate feeling like im stuck in a prison of all this stuff/my problems.

Anyway, I think we'll eventually meet later in the year anyway. Just bothers me also how I was consulted last at short notice. Though I know part of that was due to innocent reasons.

what else have I been up to lately?

I went out and took a bunch of photos of an area as I saw theres a photo competition related to that place, and its the next level photo thing I've found to have a crack at. Got some okay shots, but they'll need a bunch of editing as my camera has made the colours a bit rubbish.

Also -and I may have said this already but forgotten-I finally started making some new music again, literally the first stuff for about four years. And it's sounding quite promising, thanks to the better equipment I took time and effort to set up.

So today I feel a bit overwhelmed, and theres a lot of sadness thanks to yesterdays painful digging that has unearthed a bit too much