Memorex recovery jounral

[memorex]

Okay. Im nervous about doing this. Thought about it before.
Right, 42 years old, male, got a psychology qualification about 8 years back which opened my eyes, comfirmed to me all the things I thought about the way my family had treated me and the problems I felt in my life.

Began therapy work, had a really bad experience with the first one but I had no understanding of how things worked, and through pushing myself too hard and blind loyalty, and fear of having to face someone new, I stayed on.

After a time I began to realize it couldnt continue, The being lied to by my therapist and so on.

Tried someone else, been with them for a year, but from the start have felt they didnt have the tools needed-but that they were at least kinder and more sincere than the last one. I knew I'd probably have to continue my search though.

And thats where I am at now. Another painful search, another painful realisation that the work with my current therapist is no longer beneficial to me. The previous session I had with her the other week has taken me days of crying and depression to cope with after she put her foot in it and clumsily made a stupid comment right when I had just revealed to her very painful sensitive feelings.

But I dont yet know who I can try next, as its a limited selection where I am due to money, travel time, and there being a LOT of really extreme unregulated kooks in my area.

I've felt generally that *I* am the one who has enabled my greatest progress, not any therapist, via books like those from Pete Walker, journalling, boards like this, and general realisations and experience. Despite all the money, time and energy with therapists, I have never yet found one that felt like they really brought something to the table of huge value.

So the search continues.

As for me, you could call it a common background. My FOO were horrible to me and always treated me notably worse than my siblings. My siblings themselves physically and emotionally bullied me and humiliated me, so I carry a lot of shame. My parents didnt really stop them and often laughed along with them, at key points of my young life, that even to this day, make simple life very hard.

*Physical trigger warning*

I nearly died thanks to an accident that was due to the lack of parental care, neglect meaning that at a young age and at one specific moment, I was again humiliated by my siblings, then abandoned by my mother (the cause of the most excessive behavior to me), then alone, aged just three, had the accident and nearly died. Then had social humiliation when I was rescued by a stranger. And further social humiliation when my mother used the social attention the event got for herself despite it traumatising me.

*sexual boundary trigger warning*

My sister, from a very young age, did inappropriate sexual things to me-not the most extreme things, but any decent parent who had been doing their job would have stopped things.

Worse still-and the most hardest for me to write or even think of at all in any way, motheralso did things that were less extreme, but also physically really inappropriate. I have never known if this happened due to deliberate perversion by her, or whether it was due to utter naivete and stupidity. Or even that it was done to her as a kid so she thought it was normal. But it wasnt. And it has left me feeling very uncomfortable about psychical intimacy and sex.  Sometimes my sister joined in, as a "game". This level of stuff wasnt extreme, but it was clearly still inappropriate, and often left me crying despite trying to physically stop them.

Worse still, I have begun getting some possible returning memories that Im not sure about. Memories involving more game type stuff where I was too young to know any better and may have been taken advantage of in really extreme, clear cut sexual abuse ways by my mother. I dont know of course how much to trust some of those 'memories'. Either way, my childhood was very messed up.

My dad was basically absent, if not physically then emotionally. And all of them treated me like the puppies that get abandoned at christmas. Brief attention in a superficial way when I was smiling, but the moment I stopped being a sweet puppy and happy, I got punished, humiliated, shut out, and abandoned. Shamed for ANY of the many human feelings humans are meant to have. So I struggle now to cope with my emotions.

That was one thing I did get a bit from this last therapist; help with paying more attention to my emotions, and realising they are important. But its still early days for me there.

So-as for now? I cant work because all my past has left me with extreme social anxiety. I currently have no friends as the last couple suddenly abandoned me without giving me a chance to ask why, or explain things, or ask what was wrong. It is possible they had unrequited feelings of love for me, but I had tried discussing that with them before and explaining I just didnt feel the same romantic things back, and just needed a friend. They had both assured me for years that they no longer felt that way, but I dont know.

I go to a couple of things that are sort of support groups. I have tried to find more. But for a straight male of my age in my town, with cptsd, there really is absolutely nothing.

I currently have no contact with my FOO are years of trying. I tried to be 'good' like they wanted, but still got abuse. I tried being myself. Same result, but more extreme and threats. I tried discussing the problems with them-even more abuse and threats. I tried family therapy with them (my suggestion, and I had to organise it all). My dad kept missing sessions deliberately. My mum denied any history of anything unusual and blamed it all on me. My sister freaked out when I asked if she would attend. So basically they just repeated the same old patterns (im just realising that now!)...

I had a form of contact with my dad, but he just got more verbally abusive and manipulative than I'd ever seen him, so had to stop that late last year. I miss him sometimes. Part of me wants to try to meet for an hour once every two weeks or so, but most of me knows and suspects it will just cause me more unhappiness. I fear he'll have passed by the time I am ready to call him. I fear I'll never fogive myself and forever miss him and be unable to cope. But I guess, those are common fears such awful parenting creates in abused people like myself. 'A fear we are to blame/we are not good enough/we cant cope/we are wrong.' Why? Because thats all they ever taught me.

Day to day I suffer with anxiety, grieving about how much life and joy I have lost and a painful childhood (I only began grieving about a year ago). I also get a lot of depression there, and fears about how short life is and how much of it I'll ever have if I even manage to live a normal life.

This is very hard for me. I've never told anyone so much. There's a few other things and symptoms, but I guess those may come up as I journal.

I hope in doing this, I will be able to realise things as I type. I hope it will help me with catharsis. I hope others may sometimes see things that I haven't seen in what I write. And yes, I admit, I would love a little encouragement or empathy now and again, if that is ok.

I dont know how regularly I will journal here. Maybe daily but we'll see. Don't worry, the entries will be shorter than this. I just wanted to get most of it out there first so I could try to clear a path for daily feelings and things.

Thanks to whoever has made it this far in reading it-I post on the forum sometimes, so am familiar with some of you, but would like to get to know the community more.   

[Three Roses]

Really brave of you, Memorex! I read the whole thing, don't have any insight but I wanted you to know it's been read, and empathized with. Some of the details match my own childhood, even the almost fatal event. I understand having conflicting emotions regarding FOO. I guess I do have one thing, and that's to take it really slowly regarding memories that are still a bit submerged. Forcing them prematurely into the light can result in further injury.

Best wished to you, and lots of if that's okay.

[sanmagic7]

memorex, thanks for sharing.  i echo 3roses - very brave.

so much sounds familiar - i, too, have had very little luck with therapists, some have been extremely harmful, in fact, while others haven't had a clue so were very little help at all.  i've done most of my recovery and growth thru educating myself about all this, and thru support and worthwhile, helpful suggestion from the people here.

as others have also found out, as well as myself, trying to fix it with foo usually doesn't work.   big hug to you, with caring and compassion.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi memorex, I've read it too and know sometimes just by writing it all and putting it 'out there' makes you feel validated and listened too. I am on my 3rd therapist and am very lucky as she's totally switched on to trauma and 'seems' to understand where I'm coming from. It takes a good search to find that one person who'gets It' and relates well to you, but you will find someone.
In the meantime, this site is great for voicing concerns or letting off steam and I find journaling in a journal I keep hidden away at home really helpful if only to write a few thoughts down is beneficial to me too.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi memorex. I've been a similar situation before where I was pretty much socially isolated. It was deeply traumatic somehow since love and companionship is a basic human need, much like food and water. I managed to find my way to open up first through the space of the internet. Here, I don't have to make eye contact, don't have anyone need to know my real identity and I get to participate at my own pace. Maybe you can start to trust people here too.

I agree with the others. It was brave to say all that. Most people come on this forum being absolutely nervous to share anything they want, and still do sometimes. You're not alone.

Take care.

[memorex]

I cant thank you all enough for your comments; reading them has felt validating and been emotional. I posted the first entry thinking nobody would read such a long piece, or that few would comment on it. It was such a wonderful and really moving thing to see your posts. A relief to put it all out there and know in some way im not alone.

[memorex]

Saturdays entry;

Oh my goodness I feel so weird/raw today. Yesterday was unexpected in that I felt a lot of powerful emotions after seeing the replies to my first entry. I felt some validation in a way I'd never experienced before.

I had a rough nights sleep last night. I feel so tired now. I woke desperately needing and wanting human contact, and also being really scared of the need. Previous experience growing up taught me to be afraid of people, or of needing them. Its scary to today feel different about that.

Part of me wants to go into town and wander about a few shops. Part of me feels its not enough. Part of me feels I need to be getting on with finding a new therapist. And part of me wants to hide away. Another part wants to be around laughter and fun and lightness.

I feel like Spock in a bad episode of star trek where he is given all human emotions at once....

I feel like fifty different people are telling me to do different things at once.

[memorex]

feel dread today. Have to write doctors letter to request he provide me with supporting evidence for my benefits appeal. This stuff stresses me out so much but I have  to see him tomorrow. I wish I could have a few days when I didnt have to do things I dread.

I dont want to have to sift through all the paperwork and the points and the worst aspects of how I struggle and so on.

But this is the evil reality of the UK benefits system-making you depressed and stressed in the hope you will give up.

[memorex]

monday was extreme up and down. Dreadful in the morning, felt unable to go to the support group due to all the things had to do to sort my benefits appeal. Ive rarely felt so awful. by the evening I felt different due to many complex things.and i realised a lot of things also. i felt good at that time, but was aware it may not last and that today i may feel bad as i have been there before.

today i feel bereft, as though someone has died. i dont know why. i wondered if it was because although part of me wanted to see my dad, i later realised i had come through so much without him, and he wouldnt have helped anyway. maybe my image of him has died a little more today after all this no contact. maybe its that im less worried about the tasks i have to do now so feel slightly at a loose end. i dont know. i do know i feel a lot of old deep pain, very close to the surface today. its too much to deal with today so i wont.

maybe i need time to transition from the panic i was in yesterday to the phase of things now. i dont know. im confused, hurting and want peace-but still feel wary that i need to get on with those tasks in case i made an error. maybe its the being caught between two things that isnt helping also. i wish i felt like i did last night.

[memorex]

This benefit appeal is killing me. More nightmares about it. Bad depression.  Not looking forward to next couple days either re having to see the therapist im finishing with, then the group on friday. Feel so vulnerable.

woke up in night with such terrible stomach pains. Feared was beginning of heart attack.

I hate this

[Blueberry]

Sitting with you memorex and sending 

[DecimalRocket]

I'm here too memorex. Been reading your posts lately. I was just too tired to respond.

[memorex]

Thank you for the replies. it somehow feels reassuring to think there may be some people reading the entries. Thank you DEEPLY for your sympathies posted too.  I really need them today more than ever.

[memorex]

Im so grateful today for the online hugs and thoughts posted. I feel unnerved today.

Yesterday, emotionally at least, turned into one of the worst days I can remember experiencing. Maybe one of the worst full stop.

I woke up feeling pretty good. For a change had slept ok. No nightmares. No pains. Felt rested. Wanted to do some things in town before the dreaded appointment with the therapist im finishing with. Felt great just walking in the gentle warm winter sun.

Then it was time for the appointment. I just dont know what to say to her anymore. She has hurt me so many times emotionally that I dont want to dare risk letting her in at all. So I prepared a few topics that felt safe-just surface things about stuff. But I guess I was nervous, because after just twenty minutes I'd rattled through all that and had run out of things to say. So Im sitting there, and she's again saying nothing, just staring at me. It was horrible. Really horrible. Just full spotlight on me, total silence. It reminded me of things I associate with some of the deepest trauma memories I have. About twenty minutes of this. Non stop. Agony.

And I knew I couldnt just explain this to her or ask her to do something else because thats the problem with her-she always manages to put her foot in it and then say something worse, do something worse or not understand at all the simplest things.

This may all seem silly-I get how trauma can be personal and this may read like nothing to some people-but it really floored me and tore a hole inside me.

I was in pieces in the evening. So much for feeling good in the morning. So much for a therapist helping. I totally crashed into every single unhealthy coping mechanism I could think of to bury or escape the utterly overwhelming pain and fear. Overdid food. Overdid drink. Overdid other things, overdid, overdid. Overdid. Still it didnt work. Was panicked, Alone. Terrified. Fully triggered. Thought to call Samaritans but just couldnt manage, Thought to post here but just couldnt.

I tried to go to sleep but felt nauseous and was afraid I'd be sick.

It was one of the worst experiences of my life. My future felt hopeless. My past a nightmare. My present, *.

Thank goodness the night has gone, and its the next day now. I dont ever want to go through that again so alone. Its one thing if I feel the threrapist is someone I can trust, or who can judge what I can and cant manage, or who can help me through things. But she just feels inept, clumsy, stupid, and its terrifying to think that THAT is the person handling your most delicate important inner workings.

I want to arrange someone else suitable but this benefits appeal means I am snowed under with other tasks and dont have the time or energy to arrange someone else to see. Thats going to be the case for the next two weeks. My only other option is to just see nobody for that time, but Im scared as Im alone already. Then again, I cant handle the thought of her again. It just gets worse every time with her.

I have called the Samaritans before-I'm not suicidal, ironically if only because I have a fear of death. And they are open to anyone now, even if youre just feeling upset. Anyway-they are sometimes soothing and helpful to talk to for me. So im considering just having a long talk with them next week, and journaling as usual, as well as posting here, and perhaps in the 'difficult day' section if I need to. Hopefully the weather will be okay for a few short walks to the beach too. So Im considering this instead of seeing her (although I do most of it anyway weekly).

But I dont know-theres just something about talking face to face with someone that I see as 'the right thing Im supposed to do'. But I think that was forced on me by my mother. Healthy or not, the way she forced it on me, and the awful consequences, has left me fearful of people, whilst thinking Im somehow 'bad' 'weak' and going to suffer if I dont do more of it, I don't know.

Maybe I need to listen more to my body about whats right for me right at this moment?

[Hope67]

Hi Memorex,
I just wanted to say something about what you've written - I can see you've had a tough time - really really tough, and I read what you wrote, and I thought how brave you were to be able to face attending what was a final session with that T, because I would feel unable to do that - go to any kind of 'ending' - because of my fears of abandonment and endings - I just wanted to say that.  Although it was very hard for you, I also admire the fact that you were able to go - but I just wish that the T could have been more supportive, and not excacerbated your obvious discomfort.    to you, if that's ok.
I hope you can find someone new to have as a T, and that you manage to cope.
Hope