Memorex recovery jounral

[Blueberry]

Memorex,
You're obviously going through a really rough spell.  I can remember back to similar times like when I was trying to explain to Ts and docs what was wrong and why I e.g. couldn't work and needed a disability pension. It was really, really hard. They seemed so clueless, especially the ones with decision-making power. My GP understood an awful lot, but had very little influence, being 'just' a GP.

Often they all (with exception of GP) asked Why...? and How...? especially referring to the past. "Why couldn't you have acted differently??" which is a 'should' statement in the past - no wonder I was triggered! That's how it is with trauma. So no, I definitely do not see you as being silly about anything! All of your description of how you felt and the imagery you use to describe it speaks volumes! To me. I'm so sorry your T seems so clueless, so unable to read between the lines.

This "But I dont know-theres just something about talking face to face with someone that I see as 'the right thing Im supposed to do'. But I think that was forced on me by my mother. Healthy or not, the way she forced it on me, and the awful consequences, has left me fearful of people, whilst thinking Im somehow 'bad' 'weak' and going to suffer if I dont do more of it" strikes me as an important realisation. This was forced on you by your mother, no wonder it's so hard for you with present T, the situation will be reminding you of the past.

My T with whom I feel very comfortable has been teaching me to observe my body's reactions. They are often very telling. My brain and especially inner critics don't get in the way.

Your plans next week for instead of seeing T sound good to me. They'll probably help you feel better and I'm sure not worse anyway.  for doing them all regularly anyway. That's good self-care! have a few more 

[sanmagic7]

memorex, i've been away on my own painful situation for about a week, but am glad i feel better and can respond, if only to send you a warm hug.   that staring t is absolutely awful.  the last t i had, the one i fired about a month ago, would do that.  the first time, i simply asked, well, what do we do now?  we had been chatting, and she said she wanted to do more of that.

the next time it happened, i sat and stared back, until she picked up a bit of conversation, but it was still nothing to do with therapy.  the whole time i was with her (6 sessions) i felt like the whole thing was directionless, and ended up telling her so, that it wasn't a good fit, and i wasn't coming back.

i'm so very sorry for your experience, for all this paperwork crapola that saps and drains us of energy and faith in ourselves.  how very terrible.  i wish you could have had someone go with you to help you stay focused and grounded, and to help you thru the times when you might have felt like giving up.

that you went thru all this is a testament to your strength and determination.  kudos to you.  maybe it's not the best thing for you to see her again if she makes you feel worse.  just a thought.  we sure don't need more stress and pain in our lives. 

big hug filled with love and warmth and soothing.

[DecimalRocket]

Memorex, your feelings are important. There's often nothing more painful to be healing with CPTSD, trying to put all that effort into opening up emotionally, and having someone disrespecting all that pain you're feeling. Many of us can hardly take ourselves seriously, and having someone like that affirms it.

I'm glad you're trying to find another group to rely on. Sometimes even if they aren't professional therapists, there are people who are much kinder to actually make you feel more accepted. A kind professional is better of course, but in a situation like this, having kindness from anywhere is a deep comfort.

I've felt this way before of being ignored. I talked to a place with volunteer listeners. Some were absolutely kind, but some just leave without explanation. Some go out with their friends without telling me. Some had to do chores. Some was talking to someone as they talked to me. They could have told me what happened before they left— but all that effort into not caring to say just felt invalidating.

[memorex]

thanks Hope

I do appreciate the hug send as well. Im just trying to rest up now after a bit of a tough day yesterday.

EDIT-Oh gosh! I didnt see the other replies because I didnt notice the page number. Guess I must really have been not with it yesterday!!

THANK YOU so much for the comments and thoughts and more. It makes me emotional (in a good way, and warms my heart). Thank you so much! 

I've just read them all now. I feel soothed to hear my experiences arent unique. Sometimes I fear its all me being over the top about things. I've scrapped next weeks session with the therapist, and am deciding between telling her the one after will be the final one, or to just not go at all. But Im now done with her. I cant keep paying so much money and giving so much time just to get hurt every week so badly.

[memorex]

Sun 18th entry for yesterday.

Tried to soothe myself today, take it easy. Thought would be nice to wander round a few charity shops, and needed to pick up a prescription anyway.

Now, some of that was okay. Some of that was not okay (teenage girls literally rolling around on the pavement incoherent with alcohol, at 2pm on a busy street)... and some of it went totally up the proverbial...

As for the girls, when I saw one lying on the pavement my first thought was to go try to help. Until I heard another loudly screech at a passer by to 'eff off, she's just drunk'. This town is going downhill...

Anyway. So, I've been putting off thinking about the next topic since it happened yesterday, and still am not ready to go into it much. But I do feel I need to process the memory a bit.

--TRIGGER WARNING--

(RELATED TO ANIMAL SUFFERING)

Ok. I care deeply (too deeply) about all life. I hate seeing suffering especially. I also happen to like a type of bird that some people around this area dont like, because they can be quite noisy, and cheeky, in that they have been known to steal food out of your hand when you arent looking.

Sadly, there's sometimes roadkill incidents because of traffic here with birds, and with this type, because they take some risks.

But this freaking thing happened JUST AS I HAPPENED TO BE LOOKING AT THE ROAD  right in front of me. And made the most awful, awful noise I dont ever want to think about. But it was after, the flipping poor look on the bird's face. It was just awful, given that from the neck up it was fine and just seemed confused.

The rest of it, I dont even want to think about.

I felt so helpless. A part of me wanted and felt I should do the best thing for it and somehow end it quickly for the poor thing, but I dont think I could ever do that in reality.

Another part of me wanted to try to calm it until the end which would hopefully be soon for it.

But I couldnt stand to look at it.

It shook me and shocked me so much I just had to turn and head off down a quiet side street and try to calm myself. I wanted to cry, wanted to scream in anger, was afraid, upset. And of course was scared people would see I was feeling these things.

I had been about to cross the road to the pharmacy on the other side, but instead found myself taking a long and winding ten minute route instead to avoid going anywhere near that road.

Im glad I managed to soothe myself from that as much as I did, and was able to function for the rest of the time in town, though it also fatigued me later.

But the memory of it is just horrific. I try to tell myself there's loads of those birds, and maybe it was an old one or ill anyway. But its just the noise, and almost making eye contact with the poor, poor thing at the worst moment and the look on its face compared to the rest of its body.

Just awful. Even now I feel like there's a lead brick inside me when I think of it.

I always knew statistically, at some point, I may unfortunately see such a thing. Just didnt expect it to be when I was already feeling so vulnerable and raw.

Unfortunately I feel like all the work I did yesterday to try to relax has been undone as I am exhausted today.

The only good thing was that when it happened, I could see in some other people's faces how they cared and were appalled. Made me think at least that some other people care about things like animal suffering too. Im not a huge person on it, but as I said, I dont like to see anything suffering or treated badly. Unfortunately I also heard some of the vilest comments from other people who said they were glad and good it happened, and other stupid comments like 'cool'. Some people are really sick.

I hope you'll forgive such a long post, but I really needed to get this out. Its been tiring and Im surprised how exhausted I feel now actually.     Boy do I hope today is quieter.

[Blueberry]

  Hope for a better day today for you. There have been incidents like that animal suffering in the past which have followed me round for quite a while. Sometimes I managed to thought-stop though or put much nicer, more calming visions in their place. I never managed to help the animal. I had to get out of there fast, for myself.

[memorex]

its so awful isnt it? I know theres suffering in the world, and I know I cant stop it. But its so painful when its something you care about and its right in front of you. I used to always put myself second, but as you say, I learned the hard way that we must put ourselves first when it has such an impact on us.

I guess that for me it just touched a raw nerve right when I already felt very raw.

I've had quite a cry since my last post-not just about yesterday, I know it touched on other issues- and came to the decision today that I must do...absolutely nothing. I am struggling with it, but am doing my best to just go where I want today, metaphorically speaking. And if that means nothing but sitting around, then ok. Or reading. Or whatever.

I couldnt cope with anything else anyway, so I'll just try and at least remove that voice in my head that tells me I should be doing things.

Anyway. I hope you feel ok too. It sounds good you have techniques like thought stopping to help when needed. I made use of stuff like that myself at the time. Here's to better days.

[memorex]

Grrr. Angry right now. Neighbour went ahead and arranged a fire alarm test without seeing when im free or would be convenient. Found out third hand and let her know would not be convenient at all but was free soon. No reply. Contacted her again. No reply.

Assumed was sorted. Then get last minute email says all alarms will sound for an hour at 9am tomorrow. The alarms here are deafening and literally trigger my fight or flight response and adrenaline. I have insomnia and only get to sleep about 5am ish lately.

Great. And worse. They were going to use a key to let them in to the flat because she hadnt even told them I was not available and not okay for them not to.

I texted her again saying I was very unhappy about this and should haven been consulted. She was just incredibly passive aggressive, tried to talk over me a lot and pretty patronizing. I restated It was only reasonable she should have consulted me.

She already scheduled then cancelled a test at the last minute. Unfortunately she is in charge of it due to reasons beyond my control regarding a board of owners association.

Flipping heck, I was already very stressed today.  Arrrrrghhh!!!!

[sanmagic7]

may i arrrrgh! along with you, memorex.  i hate that kind of thing, unexpected surprises of the grating kind are especially awful.  standing with you on this one.

[DecimalRocket]

Surprises like that can make me frustrated too. I'm still reading your posts, memorex, even if I don't have the strength to post each time though. I'm here too.

[memorex]

thank you both. I hope you feel better soon also and get more strength.

Its 1.30am my time, and Im transcribing the benefits assessment interview I had to prove I said the things they happened to 'omit' from the review.

This. Is. Not. Fun.

I'd stop but the appeal date is due, and I know tomorrow I'll not have the energy after the alarms and all that stuff.

I keep telling myself that though this is horrible, it'll get the benefits office off my back for a long time, so its not always going to be this hard, and its energy invested that will pay off.

I may forget that tomorrow morning after having had just four hours sleep...(!) 

Anyway, I really do thank you. Its honestly soothing to know this thread is here. Just knowing theres people like you out there, and that you understand and care, helps me.

I'd just stopped for a quick break, and checked this thread, and its helped give me more energy to get through this!

[memorex]

This benefits appeal is absolutely killing me, alongside not having a therapist sorted. What do I wake up to today? Car alarm by my house and a notification of council tax increasing by a factor of three due to government cuts, with a bill wanting the money today.

I go to bed in absolute dread and sadness, have nightmares, and wake exhausted in anxiety. Then spend the day with a knot in my stomach wishing I could focus on other things like arranging a new therapist or finish the badly needed decorating of my place. Or have the energy to go to a support group, which I havent been able to do since the benefit saga began nearly a month ago.

This is just pure evil treating people this way. They cant do it. it sickens me how so few people bother to even look and see how awful it is and instead get hung up on stupid fake news stories instead.

[sanmagic7]

o, sweetie, i wish there was more i could do to help smooth things for you.  sounds awful. 

just letting you know that you're heard, respected, and supported with all you're going thru.  i can only hope and wish that it's over quickly and you get what you need.  love and a warm hug to you.

[memorex]

Thank goodness, I finished the appeal process. Up to 6 week wait now to hear whether has to go to tribunal or is found in my favour.

Felt pretty good for couple days, just relief, but today the realities of the rest of my life are coming back to me; specifically the issue of trying to find a therapist who can help me. And im scared. Scared there's no one out there.

I dont know, I just feel really worried today. First day getting back on that particular horse for two weeks, but im just worried im deluding myself, and that a therapist cant help. Heck, maybe thats not true. Ive been partially helped before.

I just feel so scared and alone and in need of love and support right now and have none. Maybe the search will feel a bit easier in a few days. Apprehension is something else im feeling.

Im scared of a lot of things today. Scared of it turning to summer, and hearing and seeing everybody laughing and having a great time with friends and things, on the beaches, enjoying each others company-and that I'll still be alone, still be stuck indoors, afraid and alone.   

[memorex]

Feel weird right now. Very horrible underneath. Been rushing round like crazy doing things to avoid what I feel.

What I know; I managed to go to a kind of support group thing earlier, though was in two minds. Feeling I 'should' go rather than wanting to. But then again I feel lonely, and there are no more groups this or next week due to Easter break.

I got something out of it I think-maybe just being around people a bit, I dont know. But at the end, the part I always dread, the part where there's no structure and its about socialising, or not. Thats the hard thing for me. I thought I'd just hang around briefly, see if anyone near me was interested in talking. I didnt feel able to make the first move, but if someone had been nearby and facing near me I would have made some small talk and seen where it went.

But it just seemed like the moment the group finished, everybody turned to everyone else and were deep in conversation and I was really left out.

There was also a girl I really felt a strong pull towards, which maybe wouldnt have been a good idea, but anyway... and it hurt to feel rejected by her. God it hurt a lot. She was amazing, and I have no idea why.

OK, I get its probably related to how bad Im feeling, but I just feel pained by the whole thing.

I find it so hard to be myself and am afraid that if I am, people like her just wouldnt give me a second glance. It used to be different, but then, I used to not 'be myself' at all, and was always 'on', always performing, etc. Problem is, it worked so well. But it meant that it wasnt sustainable as it was so tiring to always try to be entertaining, funny, interesting, etc.

Now im trying to just be with how I feel, and the result seems I dont get a second look. Ah frik. I hope this changes with time.

Its just so hard lately, as I feel so exhausted. Yesterday especially was kind of shocking how I felt so physically ill almost. So heavy, just because I felt so tired and stressed.

I feel I need hope and support to give me energy to continue with the search for a new therapist, yet I also feel I need a therapist to give me some hope and support! Its catch 22. And I feel really stuck and fearful as a result.

I really hope that just with some rest maybe I'll get some energy return and be able to continue. Having said that I face yet another problem right now, which is that, since its the holidays, most shrinks are away themselves, so my search is going to be stuck for a further couple of weeks-and I dont have anyone. Im apprehensive and scared about that, as I've already been under such stress and on my own for so long now and feel I cant take much more without the bedrock of a therapist.

Maybe if I had more confidence in my ability to self soothe that might be different. I dont know. I just feel sad at the situation, and its times like these I wonder if its me, and if theres just something about me, almost physically, that scares people off or repulses them or something.