Memorex recovery jounral

[memorex]

o, sweetie, i wish there was more i could do to help smooth things for you.  sounds awful. 

just letting you know that you're heard, respected, and supported with all you're going thru.  i can only hope and wish that it's over quickly and you get what you need.  love and a warm hug to you.

Thank you. It made me feel warm inside to read this.

[memorex]

God yesterday was overwhelming. Tried a therapist just as a placeholder really, just to be able to unload for a bit until I have enough strength to properly continue the search. I think maybe I went a bit too far though in terms of going into really deep and painful feelings, and forgetting to pace myself, I came out exhausted, and physically too, after cycling there which was a fair distance.

I felt tired, emotional, and raw, which wasnt too bad, but then after crossing the road, I unexpectedly found myself standing overlooking a park and childrens play area-and it suddenly occurred to me that this was one of the main places I was taken as a kid by a parent I have no contact with. On a day when I know the rest of the family will be gathering together.

It tears me apart. It really hurts. At the time I just had to briefly soothe myself and tell myself I'd have to shut off emotionally for the time being as I still had to cycle back, and didnt want to break down and cry in public.

I just dont know how it crept up on me though. I guess when I arrived I was too busy to notice, too preoccupied with locating the therapists house and so on. Then when I left I was emotionally exhausted and raw.

God it really takes me back though, and hurts so much. I loved her so much, and I miss her so much in some ways. And on days like today its really painful. Im tearing up as I write this.

Its so strange to have a part of me still pure like that boy I was, still loving his parent so much, still so tearful and upset and not really able to see a bad side with her, whilst at the same time, the other part of me knows, through hindsight, experience and growth how the way I was treated was so, so bad.

I guess its human to love, right? Every boy is going to love its parents to some degree because it doesnt know any different, right?

Its just so hard to reconcile those different parts of me now. To bring those two parts together. I felt like I had just been told she had died yesterday as I stood there, looking out on the ghosts of us in that playground.

The sad truth of it is, I dont know that she ever actually even played with me there. Just told me to go play while she sat there doing nothing. I remember being thirsty as anything as it was often in the middle of summer, and she never brought any water or liquid for me, and there were no taps there. Four hours plus in the summer heat just desperately wanting some water, and being made to feel guilty for asking. Seeing other kids around me with bottles of water or soft drinks. I was so exhausted and tired, and just wanted to be out of the heat and go home. It was horrible.

So why when I stood there yesterday do I feel such a pain and a longing to be back then?

[sanmagic7]

hey, memorex, this tugged at my heartstrings, played a sad little tune.  i was picturing everything as i read what you wrote.

i do believe it's human to love, and i also believe that love is the finest thing humans ever invented.  i think that watching that playground, seeing what was and what it could have been at the same time brought tears of longing, yearning, and perhaps some grieving for what never will be anymore. 

i've cried so many tears for those reasons, so many times, because of so many different things i saw.  real life, tv, movies, ads - it didn't matter.  it brought up for me what i wished would've been along with the knowledge that it never was.  plus, with you being so emotionally wrung out from your session, i think you were especially vulnerable at that moment.

good luck with finding a t that suits you.  i hope that helps you move past some of this in a way that's beneficial for you and your life.  sending love and a warm, compassionate hug.   i get it.

[memorex]

thank you. Pretty much everything you said is right on the money. Grieving for what I wished could have been. For what I'd seen in a million films and tv shows and even a few other peoples lives. Feeling vulnerable at that moment, definitely.  Its such a painful thing and I wish you well in your process too.



Last night was very emotional for me. I think that I got to another level of realising what cant be. It still scares me to think it will probably end badly. I mean, in terms of relations with my FOO. I think a part of me still harbours some hope of some type of change once one of my parents passes. But in reality, I know theyll just withdraw ever tighter into their circle of madness, enabling and codependency.

Its so hard to imagine building your own life when youre starting with so little, and so little tools and knowledge. I have begun though. I can even look back on some memories of experiences I created, that are mine, and mine alone. Nothing to do with them. Some happy memories.

Its such a slow process, and I still dont think Ive processed the raw pain and anger still. But I know it exists, im not denying it, I understand the warning signs and how to begin to care for myself when things are too much.

I've too far to go for my liking. Then again, Im closer then I've been before, is another way to look at it. And *I* did this. Me. Not them. I know the courage and strength and work and sacrifice and bravery it took to get where I am, and how hard won all this has been for me.

Today, or at least, these past few hours, I've felt anger at my mother for what she did. Fury.

I've partly been processing and switching off by continuing the ongoing decoration of my place. Im covered in paint at the moment, about to finish the clearing up for the day. But I am proud I did it,

[DecimalRocket]

It's the little things that add up memorex, and you're doing what you can. I remember there was a famous charity here that called for everyone to put the smallest amount of money that they're left with in a day in a jar - even the cheapest coins. Everyday, it would slowly fill until a whole jar would be filled. Then another, and another. Until so many people can give their own little share of coins, and it'll all add up to something bigger.

I'm glad you're able to feel anger about your situation, and glad about decorating your place. That's a few coins in the jar I bet. I trust it'll grow into something big someday.

[memorex]

I do feel good about the decorating work yesterday. It does add up in a good way. One day's work here, another there, etc.

[memorex]

Sleep still rubbish. Drifting off about 5.30am, despite sleeping pill. Bad dreams. Woke five hrs later. Got one hr more about 12pm.

Couldnt get going until only about an hour ago. On a social media site I had joined in with others I know regarding a personal thing about identity, and posted my own, since some had made mistakes with it. (this probably isnt how it sounds, but I dont want to give away my identity in case anyone I know may be snooping about).

It wasnt a very revealing thing, but was something I used to get teased about by a couple of people when I was younger. Would you believe it, the same idiot who used to tease me about it, who I had sort of been in touch with for a bit, posted exactly the same sort of idiotic teasing stuff they used too?? I thought they had changed; they still seemed the same in a kind of harmless and stupid way, but apparently not......

It made me so angry! Especially in the context of the original post-for me, it was a first, to boldly post that, despite fear of people teasing. Precisely BECAUSE people like that moron used to tease! So now I FINALLY bravely stood up and posted about it, after a lot of fear yesterday, and what happens? One of the idiots who used to embarrass me tries to do the same thing again!



It was also hard because Im scared of showing my emotions in public, even online (which is why this site is a big step for me-even though it is safe). I wanted to tell the person to f**k right off! But was afraid to be seen upset or vulnerable about the issue.

It may not have been healthy, but I got in a humorous dig back at them. Im bothered by what others think. Im so angry at being embarrassed and humiliated as a kid.

Fricking idiot. I happen to be of the opinion that, given what they had told me previously about their life, that person is stuck in a loveless marriage and not happy with their lot in life. Theyre always boasting on social media about how wealthy they are.  I've seen how they treat their kids too and its horrible to me. I would hate to have that person as my parent. Always felt bad for their kids.

I dont like sounding bitter but maybe I need to just see it as human of myself given the situation. I HATE showing that something bothers me publicly. The only people I ever knew treated such behavior as a chance to push harder. Sadly, I dont yet know anyone on that social media site enough to trust they might be different yet.

I was just thinking yesterday how some people are still the same bullies and idiots they were back in school. Except now they inflict their hate on a bigger scale. And to their own families too. Ugh, isnt it horrible sometimes?!

[sanmagic7]

it is definitely horrible, memorex.  and, i, for one, am glad you're allowing yourself to just be human with your feelings and emotions.  glad you were able to get them out here.  you go.

sorry it's been so disappointing on that site for you.  i'm glad you don't feel the same way here.  thanks for sharing.  i'm glad you're here.  love and a big hug to you.

[memorex]

I feel so strange today. And the end of yesterday too. I walked down to the sea while listening to some music, Took some pictures. The music was overwhelming. A happy song made me feel on top of the world, a sad one and I wanted to cry.

I saw a film late in the evening, a really unexpectedly good one, but there was one scene that had me crying heavily, where a father reunited with his son. Just the obvious simple pleasure the father took in engaging with his son and talking with him, listening, being interested and so on. And the pain and jealousy I felt that i never had and never would have that from my own father just killed me.

Today I woke feeling too exhausted to get back on the horse regarding trying to find a therapist. The same catch 22 of feeling I need that weekly bedrock to help me through, but feeling too tired to deal with the disappointment and pain of finding them right now, wishing I had the energy and support to do it...which I feel I would get from having a therapist sorted...!

This past hour or so I just felt overwhelmed in a different way-some strange weird feeling I cant describe, like a total rush, but in an overpowering way. Like a firework burning bright inside me-Im confused by it. I've had it before.

Its a total restless thing. Like your ego has been inflated to the size of a giant. Yet at the same time I know it isnt real or a reflection of reality. Its so weird. I know its a feeling Ive tried to chase sometimes. Its sometimes led to frustration and disappointment. It brings with it a desperate need to 'do something important', whatever that means. Before it burns itself out. But nothing feels enough.  Its not enough to do some chores for instance, as that feels like it would be a waste. Its a weird yearning to do something important and unique, something memorable. Now on a wet monday with everything shut for the day, this is not very practical!

The best analogy I can think of is when you're playing a game and you get a power up. You dont want to just sit there on the screen while the timer on the power up runs down, and you then lose the power. You quickly feel pressured to do something and progress further.

Except that I'll have to deal with the consequences after, so i cant just do more things like arranging therapists, because when it comes to it, the feeling will have gone.

Its so peculiar.

Anyway.

Im a bit worried regarding all these emotional leaps lately. I hope its just because Im getting back in touch with emotions after so long being numb, and now, during this difficult time, they just all feel so raw and new and overpowering. But I fear its an alternative possibility; that its actually a sign of things spiraling badly, with emotions just rapidly changing as a sign of things being in a bad way.

Maybe not. I mean there have been good signs in other places, but I dont know.

(I'll reply to the other posts as soon as I feel ready-but I felt the need to capture whats going on with me today first, and separately)

[sanmagic7]

i think you may be right - your emotions are coming out of hiding, and they can be a handful when they begin showing up again.  go slow, take as good care of yourself as you're able, and learn more about yourself through them.  it may feel weird, but i'm glad to hear it.  loving warm hug to you memorex.

[DecimalRocket]

Ah yes, I can relate to all the emotional jumble after getting them back from numbness. Even what others called positive emotions terrified me, and I didn't really know what to do with them. It's natural to call them strange. After all, "numbness" was your normal. Many of us whose main coping strategy includes numbing associates feeling things with something terrible happening, and it's alright to be cautious around it. I still get like that a bit too.

Take care. 

[memorex]

Thanks. Its interesting to hear your experiences too; offers me some hope as I am very much unsettled by these overwhelming feelings.

As for today;

I feel a bit stunned at the moment.

last week, I wrote about the therapist I tried, and how I felt overwhelmed after. I was totally incapacitated soon after by exhaustion in a way I hadnt been for a very long time. Ended up lying on my bedroom floor half asleep for hours in the afternoon. Felt almost deliriious.

As I wrote, I think i had pushed myself too hard, and was unexpectedly caught by other things when I left the therapist.

So; this week, after a lot of deliberating, I find myself desperately wanting to talk to someone familiar, and thinking she might be someone I could work with long term.  I had booked another therapist to try, but just didnt feel up to another new person and again having to go through my painful story all over again

So I called the therapist from last week to try to see them on short notice this week.

Only to find that she's had a bereavement and cant see me anymore as a result.



Why do things like this seem to keep happening? I find something or someone then just as I do, the thing vanishes.

Its literally just happened to I havent had a chance to process it yet-just feel stunned at the moment. 

[sanmagic7]

it's ok to take your time with something like this.  it's your recovery, so you can go at your own pace, whatever feels best for you.  when you're ready, you can take the next step. 

i hate it myself when life throws me a curve ball.  just one more thing to deal with when i thought things were going to smooth out for a bit.  hang tough, memorex - hanging right beside you. 

[memorex]

Well.

Oversleeping always depresses me. Guess its cos my parents always were really angry and harsh on me when I did.
My sleep is bad enough at the moment, but I had hoped to make it to a kind of support group today, But just could not make it up in time, then ended up waking at 2.30pm. Havent even had breakfast yet and its 3.30pm now.

I feel awful. Another reply from another therapist saying they have no places available. Another reply from that idiot on Facebook being patronising about my name. Another day where the local news source admits pollutions levels will be high for the next few days. And all people will be talking about is how 'strangely warm' and 'unusually coloured' the sky is, without making the connection.

Another day where I feel a desperate need to get help in place, but feel incapacitated and utterly depressed by not having help in place. Among other things.

As a side note, had a weird thing today where it turns out I could have met one of my favourite people (I'll loosely call them a celebrity). They were and are, despite having died ages ago, still considered one of the most inventive and famous in their field. On the edge of being a household name, and someone all the others still want to be.

Apparently this person should have been backstage in a venue where I was myself, but circumstances strangely meant they were absent. It was in the news the other day about this (thats how famous they were). So weird to think. Maybe for the best regarding that thing of never meeting your heroes.

I hate feeling inertia. I hate feeling stuck and like im not getting anywhere. Its weird because I know I am in so many other ways. But theres ways that are vital to healthy life, and things just dont want to seem to shift-its crazy. I just dont know why its so hard to find a qualified therapist. And I just wish I didnt feel the need for one so strongly, cos Im stuck at the moment.

I really hope theres fewer days like today soon. Seems my whole life has been made up of days like these. Maybe one good moment or day for every hundred. Im not crazy for wanting that ratio to change a little am I? Even ten to one would be loads better. And all the while I get those painful urges to want to run to my FOO, but all the while know it would be a disaster.

Dream almost every night of being in a sick, toxic environment with monstrous people that turns out to be my first home when I was a kid, where I was raised. Guess that says something.

Had horrible dream about someone who I once considered a friend who also popped up and started taking the p*ss out of me.

Another about a person trying to infect me  with their serious illness.

Horrible. No wonder I hate the thought of going to bed

[sanmagic7]

nope, not crazy for wanting sanity in the midst of the madness, no matter what the ratio.  that's one of my goals, too, to simply stay sane.  i never before knew how difficult that was till i became involved in the 'knowing' of what was actually happening to me.

i think feeling sane is more important to me than physical death.  it is a death of sorts after all  to think that i cannot actually think straight, understand, know, figure out, remain mentally in this world instead of retreating into a mental world because i couldn't take it anymore - yep, that feels to me like death.

one day, perhaps, that ratio will change, little by little.  hang tough, memorex.  doing the same right beside you.  love and a big hug filled with soothing calm and balm for your frazzled nerves.