Memorex recovery jounral

[DecimalRocket]

I agree, Memorex. There's a lack of ability to listen to other's views in the world with empathy and openmindedness that I'm disappointed to hear. I remember in a book, it tried to define the difference between communicating and manipulation. Communicating is just trying to get your thoughts and feelings heard while manipulating is trying to change the other person based on what you share. Even if the action is supposed to be "kind" or "good" like how therapists can try to fix someone, that's defined as manipulation.

After all, the whole point of this is to give you the power to change yourself from the help of others, and other's can't just give you that power. When I share my ideas or suggestions like this, I don't see it as having power over the influence of others, but as them giving their power and choice to me. You have that choice on yourself, and it's something a good therapist better have to really fully understand their patient.

Take care, Memorex. 

[memorex]

very painful emotional memories came back to me earlier. Was out somewhere different, tying to do something nice for myself. All of a sudden memories flashedback from being there as a kid, memories hadnt recalled since being a young child. Very very upsetting.

Also late had some total idiot literally stand in front of me while I was on my bike. I stupidly explained I had tried to steer a different path but there were other people so I'd gone to the side, where there was ample room - until this scum had deliberately walked head on towards my bike and then just stood there. "Well then", he said, "you should have got off your bike"....still standing inches from my handlebars refusing to move on a ten meter wide pathway...



I should have told him where to get off but of course I didnt.

I did say "this is a shared area and pedestrians do have right of way-but theres such a thing as being reasonable"

Anyway.

Sadly, those two things ruined the trip for me. Now I feel very restless, tired, and unable to eat despite kind of being hungry.

Im so tired of all these issues and problems.

[memorex]

well. I won my benefit appeal. as I knew I would. shame on those monsters for putting me through all that.

glad I dont have to jump through any more of their hoops for another couple years, but it doesnt make my situation better-just no worse.

so im a bit relieved, I guess. mostly just still deeply raw from yesterday though. Literally feel cant even look anyone in eye today feel so hurt.

did speak to a beggar earlier though, as I heard some corporate security staff discussing moving him and maybe calling the cops on him. So I told the beggar what I heard and to be careful. He thanked me. only later did it ocurr to me he WAS begging right beside cash machines, which IS a bit much...! oh well, I tried...

was trying to vent anger in healthy way yesterday and accidentally broke glass vase-unbelievable. total pain in the proverbial.

Im so fed up of living here. Between the air pollution warnings (four out of five days lately), my above alcoholic neighbour who bangs around at 4am, my other irritating neghbour with her fume belching sports car, and the foul smells from a cracked sewer pipe somewhere im trying to locate, the smells and air is 24hrs a day non stop unbearable. How are you supposed to relax and 'be' when you cant even breathe in your own home?

[sanmagic7]

people can be such stickheads sometimes.  really.

i'm just glad you've gotten thru the red tape and hoops, and that's all settled for a bit. 

i hate that you can't breathe fresh air, that you can't have peace and quiet even during the night, and that your neighbors are puke-a-rific.  sucks.

glad you could get it out here, tho.  i hope it helped.  love and hugs, memorex.

[Blueberry]

well. I won my benefit appeal. as I knew I would.

Things staying the same instead of getting worse is certainly good ime. I also can remember the relief at not having any more hoops to jump through for a couple of years.

As a fellow cyclist I can appreciate your annoyance at that pedestrian. Sounds as if he had some aggression to get rid of. I'm sorry he took it out on you. When somebody comes along and does that kind of thing when I'm feeling low, it's always harder.  for the painful memories last couple of days.

[DecimalRocket]

It must be stressful living in a place like that. It's a quiet neighborhood where I am, but most of the surrounding areas I go to is part of the big city. Lots of crowds and noises and well, I don't like much of that.

Anyway, I'm glad you made some progress. Take care. 

[memorex]

One day I hope to be able to move to a move to a more quiet area in the countryside, or close to a quiet beach . Somewhere I can watch the sun set or walk on some grass lost in my own thoughts with peace.

todays entry.

feel gutted. dont want to go into details right now. just feel hopeless. and my self esteem is shot too. not because of anything-just when I look in the mirror I am gutted by what I see. I have no idea whats going on with my hair. was fine until few months back now just cant get it to look halfway decent. no matter what I try.

anyway, I feel I look like crap, and that things are crap.

tried to go to support group this morning but I felt too low self esteem and ashamed of how I fear I look. Its happened in the past. Used to happen a lot.

I feel all out of hope for recovery right now. just dont know where to go from here.

[Hope67]

Hi Memorex,
I know you're not feeling great at the moment, and I just wanted to extend a warm hug, if that's ok.  to you Memorex. 
Hope 

[memorex]

thanks, for the hug




todays entry.

Im confused about what seems available from therapy. Or rather, what doesnt seem available.

I just want to unburden myself; to share and talk about painful memories from my past, but without analysis. Like if you talked to a Samaritan or friend. Someone who can empathise, listen, keep it confidential, and be tactful.

All it seems I get with therapists is 'and what can you do about how you feel?', or 'how do you feel about that?', then 'and how do you feel about feeling that?', then 'how do you feel about feeling that feeling about that?' and so on...!

I just want someone who doesnt immediately try to steer the conversation towards trying to get me to see something, doesnt try to 'analyse' everything, and doesnt try to immediately 'solve' everything-what I've been through cant be 'solved' so easily-I just want a human being who can respond like a human being, and hear what i've said, rather than trying to read other things into it.

I dont want someone trying to open me up, or trying to make me go at a pace that is faster than I feel comfortable going at-I want to be trusted enough as an adult to know my own pace and to talk about painful things when *I'm* ready-and to stop when I've had enough for that day, not be pushed further, or pushed to analyse it, or pushed to solve it, or pushed to take some kind of 'action' about it.

I want them to let me be. Let me talk when im ready, Let me stop when its too much. Let me sit with those things and the experience of discussing them for a time so I can process them. But im tired of the pushing and analysing. Like if you told a friend of something painful, you wouldnt expect them to point out to you any patterns in your behaviour they observed, or to keep pushing you with questions about feelings again and again-at least not before they'd been a bit sympathetic/empathic.

Please can anyone reading this tell me if they, personally, have managed to find a therapist like this? or is it just that you dont mind the other things personally, such as the probing, or the questions about feelings and so on-I wont be offended, or upset if you feel different. But I'd love to know. I just want some outside views on this so I can have a think about what it is I'm looking for and if I need to reconsider my expectations.

Im just looking to see if what Im looking for is not quite realistic, and would love to know others views.

[Whobuddy]

I have some views about therapy.

First, you are the boss. You have hired the therapist not the other way around. If you have made it clear to this therapist what you have explained here about what you want from therapy and they are not complying that is not the sign of a good therapist. You should have a list of goals for therapy and having someone listen to you and empathize is a worthy goal. This list can be changed and added to - by you. I spend a few minutes of most sessions reviewing what I am doing in therapy and what progress is being made because sometimes it seems so futile. It is true that some sessions will be much better than other sessions. That is just how it is.

I hear you on the questions about feelings and how one feels about their feelings - ad nauseum. When I am asked a question by a therapist I would like them to tell me if their question is to better understand me and what I have been through or if their question is to try to lead me to some sort of conclusion that they want me to reach. The former reason is much more preferable than the latter one, in my opinion.

[memorex]

Whobuddy

thanks for that-some very interesting points. Especially about questions being either to better understand or to instead lead clients. I think thats something I could consider myself.

its funny because I agree with the other things you mentioned as well, about it being for the client, not the therapist-yet all I personally have come across are therapists who seem unable to adapt or adjust in this way at all. For instance, last week, I saw an integrative therapist, and explained what I was looking for. She said that was perfectly reasonable, but admitted that she felt she couldnt help reverting to her habits of continuously pressing with questions about feelings.

Although it wasnt what I was looking for, her honesty was refreshing. We tried talking about some of my problems to see how it might go, but, as she said, she fell into her routine. She even commented herself that she was noticing how she kept doing it!

Other therapists I tried seem to not even admit they are inflexible. Which is maybe the thing I find difficult. I saw a relational based one who used every other question to ask how I felt about things between me and her. I tried an analytical one, who endlessly asked about subconscious patterns relating to parents. This reflects, and is in line with, each of their methodologies. But it is somewhat robotic, narrow, and rigid.

I guess my point is this-it seems (to me anyway) that although each should really be able to be flexible, my personal experience is that they aren't. That, if anything, they get very rigidly stuck to their methodology and almost feel lost when asked to ease off a bit. This is just my personal view and experience of course, and again, I would welcome other's thoughts on it.

btw, Is there a sub/page for debate on this kind of thing? I would like to hear as many views as possible as this is very interesting to me.

[DecimalRocket]

Well, I guess to me it all comes down to what each person needs personally. There's a right therapist for everyone, and different styles match different people. I'd say the best therapist could change their styles according to their patient rather than making the patient adapt to them.

I was lucky enough to find a therapist like this. One who was patient and understanding, but also could ask questions to delve into my history with analysis. That doesn't mean that using a mixed strategy is always a good idea though, because some people benefit most by focusing on one.

In all honesty though, in the start I thought the analytic side was the better idea. Why sit around just feeling things when I could solve it? Feelings are gross. But at the time, I was running out of options and I needed to try everything so I went and talked it out.

I thought it was wasting time, but I kept coming back to it for some reason. To trust someone and hear their gentle affirmations to me was what made me grow the most. It was already my nature to be analytical, and to have someone develop a weaker side of me was healing.

Doesn't mean I didn't need to fall into my comfort zone sometimes — my therapist eventually figured out that I calm down and trust her more if I play strategy board games with her. I'd always win those games, but somehow she won my heart.

I guess this is why in my journal you'd see that I speak a little more bluntly there — since I'm more cold and logical towards myself in contrast to the gentleness I give to and need from others.

Who knows? Maybe we need the opposite of what we think we need? Or maybe it's different for you and you really know what you need.

See you. 

[memorex]

interesting thoughts from people. All useful to me.

todays entry.

Wow. REALLY hard today. One of those times when taking care of yourself feels like work.

[sanmagic7]

yeah, i've had quite a few of those myself over the years.

it sounds like this therapist you're seeing may be open to being reminded when she's 'reverting' and could be brought back on track.  as whobuddy said, you are the boss.  that means that you are the one able to be more directional if you need be.  i think that's important so that you can get the most out of what you're paying for.

possibly, this t may agree with the idea of you pointing out to her what isn't helpful for you, make suggestions about what would be more helpful, and allow her to be her creative therapeutic self in order to help you get to where you want to go.  just some thoughts - don't know if it would be possible or not, or if you'd be up for that.  at any rate, best to you with this, memorex.  i do hope it ends up becoming better for you.

by the by, as a therapist, i, myself, hate the whole 'and how do you feel about that?'  arena.  ugh.  please, take care of you first, always.   love and hugs to you.

[memorex]

Thanks. And I agree with you.

Regarding the therapist, she emailed a few days later saying "on reflection, I dont think I can help but slip into those ways and cant do anything about that so I dont think we can work together".


......(!)

Thanks for the hugs and thoughts, theyre appreciated.


Todays entry

Since that, I saw a counselor, hoping they wouldn't be so welded to theory and thus a bit more flexible.

She exaggerated her qualifications, and I had to ask her four times before she admitted the Masters and Degree she so proudly listed on her website as her "vast number of qualifications", turned out to be for Art. All she had for therapy was a two year course. Anyway, that aside, when I put to her what I was looking for, I also mentioned the part about questions designed to understand versus questions designed to try to get me to see something.

End result? "No, nobody does what you're looking for". She seemed such a control freak-she almost shoved me aside when I tried to open or close the door myself "I DO THAT!" she squawked. I dont think she liked that I had my own ideas and qualifications that were more advanced than hers. Even though I told her I valued her experience and what she must have learned through her work.

So,  Another blow to my hopes.

I feel caught between facing the pain that there just doesnt seem to be what I feel I need, and the desire to keep searching. But  this just seems like a crazy dead end, and every time it happens it seriously hurts me. But without the search and the hope, I dont know where to go. I've got to share my load with somebody, got to unburden myself with someone I can see over time, in confidence.

I get that for many people this may be the role a friend would take-but a friend might not be able to take the deep painful stories about the past, or the emotional weight, or have the skills to know when to back off, when not to. You couldnt guarantee total privacy with a friend, or that they'd be able to cope with the emotional load or such serious events. And when you felt ready to move into the next stage of being ready for guidance or facing truths about behavioral patterns, a friend wouldnt be qualified. Plus, all this might touch their own painful experiences and be too painful for them. So where on earth do people go to fill this role-thats what I dont understand.

The Samaritans are great, and so far, are the closest I have found to what I describe. But each time you contact them you have to start your tale from the beginning. And its therefore impossible to build that therapeutic relationship with them. And they dont have the expert knowledge for the later stages. Im grateful they exist, but as I say, its still a different thing.

It utterly amazes me that there doesnt seem to be something like I have described. Especially when there seems to be everything else. Dog massages. Hug therapists. Psychic readings. Personal shoppers. Escorts. Heck, if you've enough money, you can even buy politicians these days it seems ;-)

...but what Im looking for? I dont know man. I really dont....

Seems a strange world, to me, to cater for so many things-but not for such an essential need.