Memorex recovery jounral

[memorex]

So am just back after visiting the council for a face to face to proceed with action against my alcoholic neighbour.


very tired. Confused as to why I feel guilty. Maybe I always do whenever I stand up for myself. Was horrible having to go over all the stressful things that have happened. The guy I spoke to seemed ok though, and seemed to believe what I was saying.

Hopefully it was worth it. Though im concerned what the neighbors reaction will be after he's been notified.

[Blueberry]

Confused as to why I feel guilty. Maybe I always do whenever I stand up for myself.

That could well be the reason, making itself known to you with the cautious "maybe" feeling. If we were taught as children that it was not OK to stand up for ourselves because that angered/hurt our parents, the whole of FOO, 'more important' siblings etc., then standing up for ourselves now triggers the feeling of guilt. With healing and with practice, the feeling gets reduced.

The guy I spoke to seemed ok though, and seemed to believe what I was saying.

Hopefully it was worth it. Though im concerned what the neighbors reaction will be after he's been notified.

Step by step, memorex  You're working on this. I can understand your concern considering the way your neighbour has treated you but now your case against your neighbour has been some way documented to the council. You are within your rights to stand up for yourself!! If you doubt yourself, come back and we'll remind you.

[memorex]

I think what you say is probably right blueberry. thanks for the support. times like this am so glad to have this site. its fantastic!

[memorex]

Well, Im down-but I'm not out.

Having a day off today,  hope to put tasks and things to the side.

Wanted to also mention-the other day I entered my second photo competition, the first one that gives any kind of prize. Took me quite a lot of work getting the pictures ready, and I almost fouled up the submission on a technicality (!) 

But it was sorted in the end-now we'll just wait and see how it goes-but I'm proud of myself for entering, and I think the pictures are really quite good considering things.

[Hope67]

Hi Memorex,
Glad to hear you've entered those photos and that you like your work - you've done well to do that - as I know you've been through a lot of stressful things recently - and so well done for submitting to the competition, and I hope very much that you'll get a good outcome in it.
Hope 

[memorex]

I just dont get this. I've just had one hundred percent proof a therapist has been lying to me about availability, exactly as I feared.

I repeatedly said I was free anytime, any day, and did she have anything free. She told me to wait as she was busy, then in the meantime I saw her advertising sessions. Well I just got in touch again in case she'd forgot about me, and she said she only had one time slot available nearly a month from now. Then someone I know offered to call her up and pretend to be a prospective new client-and she eagerly told them she could easily do next WEEK at a number of times, and that she was free to do that weekly! And this wasnt anything that suddenly became free that had been booked previously either.

I just dont understand it and am stunned and hurt. As I said, I suspected this was the case but now I know for sure. Shes the therapist I saw for a time before but felt uncomfortable to continue with.

But in the past months I had such a hard time I just wanted to see anyone I knew a bit, so contacted her again-I cant believe I've been waiting two MONTHS for this!!

Maybe she was busy some of that time, but certainly not the past few weeks and clearly not the next month she has told me to wait.

WHAT on earth is going on here? I honestly wouldnt mind if it were due to something like her feeling she had issues herself with me and needed more time-but if so, why wouldnt she just say so? Why lie about it? She said at the start she would be honest and straight and didnt lie to clients. And in my own (partial) experience of training to be a therapist, I've never once come across anything like this.

I would honestly welcome all thoughts/views/speculation even, as Im just totally stunned and confused by this. Obviously if I choose to see her at the appointment weeks from now I will ask-but the thought of waiting even longer in such confusion, then paying her £50 to maybe lie to my face again, doesnt exactly appeal right now.

[memorex]

feeling angry and abandoned today. people all fake cheap smiles until anything is asked of them, then a deathly silence as everybody runs away.

[Three Roses]

 

[memorex]

so it seems official.

called the therapist on the phone. the one who I'd mentioned here before who had lied about sessions being available. she tried every trick there is to deny the truth.

first denied she had had any other slots that were free-until i pointed out i knew someone who she had told she was free each week to.

then she blamed me for not being clear in emails about when I was free for sessions-until I quoted back my email to her where I'd said I was literally 'free each day from 1.30pm to 9pm at any venue'.

then she claimed she thought I had been asking to be alerted of free slots AT our next session, not before then-until I quoted her her own email which had said she would 'promise to let you know straight away if anything at all becomes free'.

then she claimed she couldnt comment on anything 'because she didnt have the details in front of her'-until I suggested we talk again after she'd had a look.

then she claimed she thought I'd meant it was only in relation to free REGULAR WEEKLY slots becoming free, not one off slots-until I pointed out she had told the other person she had 'free, regular, weekly slots.'

at one point she tried anger, which didnt work on me.

then she tried to shut all communication down by claiming she 'couldnt spend ages on the phone'-even though it was her who had called me (and it had only been a few minutes).

then she tried to change the subject saying if I 'didnt want the booked slot she would scrap it'.

she seemed to be trying every single trick in the book. After each failed new trick, she wouldnt acknowledge being caught out or contradicted on the last issue, or give an explanation, or apologise. In addition, it was only thanks to me calming things down that the call even lasted as long as it did.

Im struck dumb by this, am hurt and upset.

[Three Roses]

Mind boggling, truly. Don't know why she can't say what she means and mean what she says.  Frustrating to say the least. 

[I got this]

Crikey!  I can only imagine that your therapist knows that they dont have the skills to help you, and that is a trigger for them, and so they tried to avoid apts with you, but instead of being honest and saying "I am not the right person to help you" they slipped into their own pathological avoid-ant patterns perhaps?
Good luck. 
I have had a few therapists online that were quite good.  Perhaps you could try an online psychotherapist?  Or anyone who specialises on cptsd you can find online? 

[memorex]

I got the distinct feeling she was beginning to panic after being caught in her lie and just began to say anything

maybe that used to be an issue she suffered with herself even (repeated lying I mean), I don't know.

But Im done with her now. Just cant believe the money, time and effort I put into trying to trust her.

[memorex]

dont know what to say. feel awful.

[sanmagic7]

you did good, sweetie.  that whole power trip thing is the pits, and you stood up to it so courageously.  i'm just sorry she put you thru the wringer like that.  it's not right.  i agree that she should have been straight with you and avoid putting you thru all that b.s.  her job, number 1, is to put your best interests at heart, no matter what that means for her.  she epically failed with that.

sending love and a big hug full of calm and caring for your ordeal.  sorry you ended up going thru that with her.  grinds my gears.

[Three Roses]