Memorex recovery jounral

[memorex]

Worried yesterday was a mistake. Woke up feeling I'd opened Pandora's box and I just couldnt cope with all the daily things I have to do, and all the things I have coming up in the next few weeks-but I always struggle with realizing I have painful feelings that hurt my inner child if I cant try to help and process them.

I feel like a 'bad parent'/like Im doing the bad things my parents did to me if I try to shut away the pain I've uncovered without giving proper care and love to my inner child. But as I say, Im not currently in a place where Im good at that yet, so it takes everything out of me and all my energy-which I need for the upcoming weeks and tasks.

I dont want to just 'shut off' those thoughts and feelings for a couple of weeks. That feels too much like punishing my inner child and making him stand in a corner alone. I dont know what a more balanced alternative approach thats somewhere between the two extremes would be.

[memorex]

Just upset today. Feels like grief.

[Three Roses]

 

[memorex]

Incredibly moved by the posts I saw in response to the 'having a difficult day' post I made.

Some in particular felt like an earthquake in a good way for me.

Not a bad day yesterday, though extremely tiring, and I think I overdid things.

Weird dreams, woke up a lot, and when I did, I felt awful. Just cant believe how exhausting and draining all this is-really have no energy to get certain things done. And sometimes Im finding that troubling, and worrying what Im going to do. The other part of me isnt too worried, and thinks its just part of the journey, and it will change.

[memorex]

TW FOR CPA

I've finally recalled the slaps and physical punishments my mother used to do to me. Its not an EF. Nor was I digging to try to recall. It organically emerged.

It amazes me how I hadnt recalled it. It AMAZES me how, now I recall it, it physically hurt back then SO much. Seriously.

Any time I ever tried to mention it, as an adult, there were attempts by her to try to ridicule me.

What a terrible thing-to be three times the size of a defenseless innocent child and to repeatedly abuse them in this way so much they shut them selves off from their body to cope. And to do it in public so they felt utterly humiliated and shamed.

Evil and vile, what she did to me. There needs to be more therapeutic education on males who were abused by their mothers in this way, not just by fathers. It happens at the hands of women far too often too, but its rarely EVER written about or shown in films or tv. 

[memorex]

Feel rough and unsettled today. Having a crazy time trying to find a replacement mobile after mine broke. I now have FOUR I bought off ebay, all claiming to be brand new... and all obviously not, and with huge faults!

And I dont know if its my self esteem but my hair is driving me crazy today and looks rubbish no matter what I try to do.

I had the repairs people come check out the boiler again yesterday as the letting agent wanted a (cheaper) second opinion. Good news was they said no need for a full days work or them to come so early in the morning, which is a relief for me-but I think Im still so strung out from it that Im just having a very hard one today.

Had lots of health related fears/anxiety panic things yesterday also.

I will still have to be up at 6.30am in a week or so in order to arrange for carpet delivery which freaks me out. At best Im getting to sleep at 4am currently as it is. And thats WITH sleeping pills

And the delivery terms mean its a window slot-in other words, they deliver sometime between 7am and 12pm. So I cant even try to sleep until they've delivered.

I just wish I had a shoulder to cry on about all this, or that it was all done and sorted. Everything feels such a fight and struggle all the time. Its exhausting.

[memorex]

Really struggling with poor sleep at the moment. Unable to be up earlier as it means even less and worse sleep which deeply affects my mood. Which Im already struggling with.

About to finally order new carpet which means a 7am-7pm delivery window slot, which means being up at 6.30am. Dreading it. Not to mention fitting it myself and having to clear the room of furniture.

Did have a slot booked with a new therapist the day before the delivery slot but im feeling I'll have to cancel it now-I just cannot take yet another disappointment as far as therapy goes right now. This other stuff is too stressful to cope with both.

Yet I desperately want someone to talk to and confide in face to face. I hate having to make the choice but also feel I HAVE no choice. Commitments the following week and so on mean I cant switch other things around.

[Hope67]

Hi Memorex, I hope that you will be able to manage everything - it sounds tough at the moment, and I know you're struggling - but wishing you some strength and sending you a supportive hug - I hope that's ok 
Hope 

[memorex]

only couple days until early delivery now. Been trying to get up earlier. Am utterly frazzled at the moment in terms of my brain. Cant even string together a sentence to type here generally.

Gotta head into town in a bit, which sucks, as I feel AWFUL about my looks today. Does bad sleep always equal bad hair? Seems to in my case....

If only I was young enough to pull off a 'deliberately' bad 'ironic' hairstyle....

[memorex]

feel so weird today. really busy yesterday.

cant face anything just so nervous about tomorrow and being up in time, and coping on just 2 or so hours sleep around other people in my home.

[sanmagic7]

no words today, but sending love and hugs.  i hope everything irons itself out.

[Hope67]

Hi Memorex,
Thinking of you today and hoping you managed to get some restful sleep - and that you are coping with the situation today - with the people in your home - I hope you can get some safe space even though they are there. 
Hope 

[memorex]

I feel really confused. A lot of conflicting and very strong emotions.

Last couple days were awful. Delivery I waited from 6.30am to 8pm for never showed. Endless phone calls to chase up, all getting nowhere. Endless false promises. It finally showed up yesterday at 5pm after another all day wait and phone calls. Madness.

Feel sort of disoriented. Feel REALLY scared of the emotions I have underneath, that I had to put aside in order to function and cope with the last couple of days. Where I could I tried to check in with myself, but I had nightmares last night, awful ones. that really scared me. I feel they were about the stored up things I somehow have to process.

I find it really hard to do it gradually and to see improvements in doing so. It feels almost like reopening a wound repeatedly without it getting time and space to heal. Maybe a more positive metaphor would be redressing a wound and making sure its healing well. But its not how I feel right now.

I cant believe the difficult things I have to sort by the end of the year. Feel like my days are booked up now, with things that I dont want to be doing and are hard for me.

I feel I need more time and space to process what Im feeling and to try again to find a therapist who can help (if there even is one).

Im sick of the feeling of getting THROUGH time, rather than being able to enjoy it. I am slightly looking forward to the results of my efforts-but I dont know if Im idealising really.

I just feel fed up and scared. I wish I had more fun in my life and someone to share that fun  with. Someone to sometimes be a shoulder to cry on, someone to hug. I want my life to be different.

[memorex]

Feel overwhelmed by choices, none off which are very good, at a really difficult time.

Ugh.

Feel stuck today, with fears that Im not progressing.

[memorex]

Have ticket to a concert soon that part of me would like to see, but I feel in such bad shape emotionally that I dont feel up to going. But its hard to let it go as the show has been hyped as really good. Its David Byrne of Talking Heads solo show, and critics are saying its one of the best shows ever.

I so wish my life were different and that I could cope with things more easily.  I just cant believe all the things I have to do/sort out that is coming up soon. Its my birthday soon also, and I really hoped I would be able to enjoy the day-now I suspect Im going to be feeling like Im in a hole due to all the recent things I'll have been dealing with.