Memorex recovery jounral

[Hope67]

Hi Memorex,
I don't know when your Birthday is, but you said it will be soon - I hope you will be able to enjoy it - I wish you the best, and if you're able to get to that concert, then I hope you'll also enjoy that too.  But whatever you do, wishing you the best.
Hope 

[memorex]

Thanks Hope.

I had a good talk with the Samaritans, which helped a lot. Birthday is on the 8th of this month, so Im hoping I still have enough time to figure out some nice things to do for it.

Todays entry.

I feel so odd lately, lots of realisations about my past, and lots of overwhelming emotions. Maybe its grieving. I really feel a separation from my FOO and its hard to face building a new life myself, and moving forward in this new direction. Hard, too, to let go of so many of their ways of judging myself. I also realise I still dont see myself as 'good enough' for other people. Its funny because I dont hate myself like I used to-but I only realised the other day that my self worth is still really low. Guess that because its so far from where it used to be, I thought it was ok! Still a ways to go then, I guess.

Now Im in touch with my emotions more, its also really difficult to deal with them. Its amazing how people dont seem to understand just how closed off from my emotions I have been for most of my life-because thats what my FOO made me do to be accepted-and now my emotions are surfacing, its a whole new thing for me.

I feel like a child who is having to learn for the first time how to cope with them all-and its really exhausting! Im scared by them too sometimes. Because its such a new and foreign thing for me, it can honestly be confusing and upsetting.

Im beginning to recognise some, and to make use of soothing mechanisms when things feel too much. But its difficult sometimes. Feel a bit afraid of the clock changes and it suddenly being dark and cold now in the UK. Very wintry suddenly. Heck, everything scares me at the moment! 

Will get the results of the photo competition tomorrow. Its very small, but I do hope to place somewhere. Will see what happens. Fingers crossed!

[sanmagic7]

fingers crossed, indeed, memorex. 

the advent of buried emotions can certainly be frightening, confusing, and upsetting.  may i suggest that you be patient with yourself and go as slowly as possible to let them just be. 

i hope you get to that concert.  it sounds great.   love and a gentle hug.

[Deep Blue]

Good luck with the photo competition. I hope you get the results you want. 🤞

I agree with San.  I know it can be hard but try to be patient and gentle with yourself.

[memorex]

Well, I didnt place in the competition (stitch up!  ) but they did put my picture onto a calendar they are selling. So I guess I still get a photo credit of sorts.

I think the idea of patience with myself is right. These feelings and their strength is so new to me. And my catch 22 is im so afraid of others seeing these feelings in me, so I self isolate. Which sometimes makes things more difficult, but its from a lifetime of being taught that any 'negative' unhappy feelings are bad and shameful... Wish I could flip a switch and feel more balanced about that one.

Im HOPING that in a few weeks I'll be going back to one of the self help groups. I have some tasks to do before then that, for me, are huge and not at all pleasant. Fingers crossed they'll go ok. I know I'll probably need some time after to recover.

Its a tough day today tbh, as I had a few knock backs yesterday, not just the photo competition.

[Hope67]

Hi Memorex,
They must have liked your photo to place it in their calendar - so credit to you on taking a great photo - good enough to be displayed like that.   
Glad you're being patient with yourself, that sounds a good approach to take - although I appreciate how difficult it can be to do that.
All the best for this day, and not long now till your Birthday. 
Hope 

[memorex]

Hey, thanks Hope. Appreciate those thoughts.

[Hope67]

Hi Memorex,
I think sensitivity to words can be a minefield sometimes - and I just wanted to send you a hug of compassion    I have occasionally written comments in your Journal - but my meaning and intent has been positive - and I hope that if I ever said anything that you might consider to be insensitive - that you would let me know. 

I realise in replying in this way, I am personalising this - which may be quite annoying in itself, so my apologies for that.  My inner critic is the annoying one there.

I'm trying to offer you a supportive reply.  I am sorry to hear you've been upset by something.  I very much hope that you'll be able to enjoy your forthcoming Birthday.  I am also wondering if you decided to go to that concert or not.   

Hope 

[memorex]

Hello Hope.

I always welcome your comments, and think you are a generous, kind and warm individual. And I hope your inner critic can take some time out to give you some equal kindness and warmth for yourself.

I didnt go to the concert in the end by the way. I realised I had it emotionally linked to a whole bunch of other stuff and needed to just switch off and have a break so I could specifically focus my energies on some upcoming important things. Im glad I made the choice I did. I'd like to catch David Byrne one day of course though....

[Hope67]

Hi Memorex,
Just seen your reply - and thank you - you are very kind to say what you said, and also to comment about my inner critic - I appreciate that.  I think I had been slightly triggered by the word 'W*tch' as I had used that word myself somewhere in the forum - but not in a derogatory way - purely in a descriptive way - but at the same time, I have other parts of me that are guilty about the fact I even said it - hence I then worried if I might have said something to you.  I am glad it is a different thing entirely.

At least you decided against the concert and you feel glad you made the choice you did.  However, I hope you do catch David Byrne one day - I will have to look him up and see what he sounds like.  I am intrigued now.

Wishing you the best Memorex
Hope 

[memorex]

Additional entry.

Argh!! (Can we use censored swear words here by the way? I forget, but want to).

I forgot about the downside of having a birthday coming up- FOO have sent post that hid the fact it was from them until opened.

JKIJDEIIEENDNEKEKN!!!! (My own version of swearing until I know for sure if its allowed).

Now I face the usual dilemma of the stress and do I package it back up and post it back or just bin it or blah blah blah... I HATE them!!

All suggestions welcome.

[Three Roses]

JKIJDEIIEENDNEKEKN!!    %*+@¥£€§¶! HFUDSTDIHKHKGYDYF! that seems * * sneaky to me.

I hope your M, if she comes, will at least be decent while she's on display. You have 100% of my emotional support in this.

[Blueberry]

TW FOR CPA
There needs to be more therapeutic education on males who were abused by their mothers in this way, not just by fathers. It happens at the hands of women far too often too, but its rarely EVER written about or shown in films or tv. 

Came across an article this morning that made me think of your earlier post. I thought you might like to read it because others are asking the same questions as you - Why aren't we talking about abusive mums?.

My M was my chief abuser and I've been talking about that for years. I am female of course, but my brothers were both abused by her too. One has always been in denial and the other is back in it, so they don't talk about it (anymore). ime there is more talk now of abusive mothers than say 20-25 years ago. A female being abused by her own mother was not something all therapists, especially female ones, wanted to hear about back then. I can sympathise that a male might also get invalidated in this kind of case. You're definitely not alone here memorex. Here on the forum I'm not the only one who writes about abuse by a mother either.

memorex, on swearing we recommend a symbol mash like *!#!!

[Hope67]

Now I face the usual dilemma of the stress and do I package it back up and post it back or just bin it or blah blah blah... I HATE them!!

All suggestions welcome.

I agree with ThreeRoses that it was sneaky for your FOO to send you a package that wasn't identifiable till you opened it.  I have discussed with a friend in the past what to do with unwanted gifts from FOO - my friend advised me to send them back unopened.  However, I didn't manage to do that - I ended up opening them, and then I just didn't send them back.  But I wished I'd been strong enough to just send them back.  But I think part of me doesn't want to upset anyone. 

Whatever you do with it, it's your choice - I hope you'll do whatever feels right to you personally.  I don't think there's a right or wrong thing to do. 

I really hope you'll enjoy your BIrthday - I would like to wish you a lovely Birthday - I hope that you do some nice things - whatever you want to do.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Hi Memorex,
I hope your Birthday was ok.  Just sending you a hug, if that's ok. 
Hope