The Doll - Possible Triggers throughout.

[Hope67]

I think I need to write something here today, because my inner child - a very young part of me - feels wounded, and wants me to share the fact that when she was little, her NM made her a doll - literally a cloth doll - which would have taken a long time to make, because she was quite beautiful to look at.  She also had perfectly tailored clothes - and I mean many sets of clothes, made with different materials, and colours and textures.  So that doll had a whole set of lovely clothes, and I think she was given to me for my Birthday.  I remember thinking that my M must love me a LOT - to have spent the time and dedication to do that for me. 

But - I was in the fog for years - thinking my childhood was 'perfect' - and it wasn't.  My inner child is starting to show me how she felt - and the fact is that my NM was very pre-occupied with 'showing that things were perfect' when infact they were 'far from perfect' - instead of spending time 'with me' -- looking after me and showing me she loved me with cuddles or kind words, looks and other ways of showing it - she was very controlling - very curt in her manner, very cold.  I don't remember being hugged by her - and if she did touch me, it felt 'sharp and bony' and 'cold' and 'tense'.  She could control me with a look - just her tone of voice - I was scared to step out of line. 

So the doll - it looked perfect, and I thought 'she must love me - to have done that for me' - but you know - that doll was to show how brilliant she was at sewing, how brilliant she was in showing how much she loved me - I never 'felt it'. 

Most people would look at the doll and think - That little girl - she's so lucky.  That is what people thought, I think - that my life was fine. 

But it was FAR FROM FINE.  It was broken.  I was broken. 

Now the doll sits in my old bedroom - and  probably their Grand-daughter now looks at the doll, because she is now a replacement that they've found - to take the place of the 2 daughters that are now displaced - will she like the doll, will she be loved too?  I don't believe so.  It will all be for 'appearance sake'.

I feel despondent as I write this - I feel upset. 

But I think it's good to be in touch with these emotions, with these feelings - because at least I'm 'feeling them now' - previously I was 'like that doll' - thinking I was in a gilded cage - even though I felt trapped, somehow they had me held there in a suspended animation - lifeless - frozen.

At least now I'm living, feeling, and I can finally 'see'.

It's good to write this, and I wrote it here because my little inner child, whom I'm going to call "Little Hope" - she wanted me to write it for her.

Hope 

[Gromit]

Yes, I had a doll, a cloth doll with an underdress and an overdress, in velvet. My mother was good at sewing, I had many things she had made and, when my children were small she made them things, intricate things, which would have taken hours of fiddly sewing. My OH was impressed.

But, it is no substitute for a mother who could have been approachable, welcoming, not scary. Although, for her it was probably all she could do, make things. Not even things I wanted, unlike my father, who made me a sledge, when I wanted to take that away she had already got rid of it.

Thanks Hope, for reminding me.

[Libby183]

Dear Hope.

Again, you have written so beautifully about something I can truly relate to.  "Trapped... In the gilded cage...of a perfect childhood."

My sister and I,  as young children, were often dressed in identical home sewn outfits.  I am sure nm received many compliments about this.  I sew a lot of my own clothing now so know how time consuming it is.  I could never have done it with children to care for.  It just shows that there was simply no time in her life for actually interacting with her small children.  Everything else, perfect house, perfect meals, they were the priority.  She was simply cold and mean and controlling and unconcerned with our happiness or even our safety.  I have always wondered how she cared for me when she couldn't even touch me. 

You're so right - it's all about how things look. At the end of our relationship,  I asked HER if she had ever said that she loved me and she replied "I'm sure WE did, but,  in my book,  actions speak louder than words!"  She often used clichés, in fact.  I think it was another example of her emptiness.

I just wanted to add that I hope you get through mother's day OK.  It has such painful associations for me, that we don't really mark it.  I hope it's not too much to say,  but thank you for the motherly words and support you give to me here. It means so much.

Libby.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Hope.

I can relate to this. My family is well off financially but growing up, they often weren't there for me. They'd be open to giving me materially on me. what I wanted, but emotionally they were distant and even abusive sometimes.

I don't see the point when other people see being rich as being some kind of ideal as I've personally experienced how this doesn't actually assure happiness. I've heard from the sidelines gossip from the community of the wealthy themselves - CEOs who work too long and are longing to be closer to their family. Powerful politicians who for some reason feel empty inside. Rich doctors and lawyers with health problems to worry about all day. Harvard graduates in my extended family who still worry about not being enough.

Appearances don't mean happiness. They'd be perfect by much of society's standards, but that's not exactly happiness, is it?

[Whobuddy]

But - I was in the fog for years - thinking my childhood was 'perfect' - and it wasn't.  My inner child is starting to show me how she felt - and the fact is that my NM was very pre-occupied with 'showing that things were perfect' when infact they were 'far from perfect' - instead of spending time 'with me' -- looking after me and showing me she loved me with cuddles or kind words, looks and other ways of showing it - she was very controlling - very curt in her manner, very cold.  I don't remember being hugged by her - and if she did touch me, it felt 'sharp and bony' and 'cold' and 'tense'.  She could control me with a look - just her tone of voice - I was scared to step out of line. 

So the doll - it looked perfect, and I thought 'she must love me - to have done that for me' - but you know - that doll was to show how brilliant she was at sewing, how brilliant she was in showing how much she loved me - I never 'felt it'. 

But it was FAR FROM FINE.  It was broken.  I was broken. 

I feel despondent as I write this - I feel upset. 

At least now I'm living, feeling, and I can finally 'see'.

I was amazed at how much I can relate to in your writing. Having an NM who gives things rather than love, an NM who does visible things that will cause people to regard her positively. My nm wanted to be viewed as brilliant, too, like yours.

I was given so many material things but like you was living in a FOG. I would scold myself and tell myself that I was being a spoiled 'poor little rich girl' - ungrateful and selfish. It took decades to figure out that I was severely neglected and abused. It is awkward to write those words even now. I have told very few people about my childhood.

You write "I don't remember being hugged by her - and if she did touch me, it felt 'sharp and bony' and 'cold' and 'tense'." I have been thinking about this lately. We grew up without hugs. We Grew Up Without Hugs. That is wrong. That is a crime. That should not happen to a child. Also, I grew up without knowing what it was like to be looked at with kindness. This causes me discomfort even now when I see anyone looking at me even those who love me.

It is wonderful and an amazing accomplishment that you are able to live your live - seeing and feeling. You must have worked very hard to be able to do that.

[Hope67]

Hi everyone,
I just wanted to say how much I appreciated each and every one of your replies - I can't say more than that right now, as yesterday was quite a triggering day for me - as I am sure it was for many of you too - but I did come here and read your replies, and I really want to come back and write more when I'm in a better head space to put my thoughts into something coherent. 

But it was so helpful to have written about 'The Doll' and to hear your replies - I can't tell you how helpful - thank you each and every one of you.



I will hope to come back and write more - when I feel able.

Hope 

[Hope67]

I'm back today, in this thread, because I just wanted to write about what happened after I first posted this - it was really powerful - because I know that Little Hope wanted me to write about it - and I did - and yet it was like Little Hope was reading it - and the first reply was from Gromit and was about the Doll in the Velvet Dress - and it meant such a lot to Little Hope to hear someone validate the experience and share details of their doll - and then I went upstairs to bed, as my Adult Hope - but experienced that I felt as if I was within an exceptionally large body!!!  i.e. I hadn't really noticed before how big I was - my body.  It was literally as if I had blended with little Hope and experienced my body as being larger than it had been when I was Little Hope's age. It freaked me out - I didn't tell my partner about that till the next day.

Then it was amazing to read the other replies that everyone gave, and especially as it was on Mother's Day that I read many of them, and they really touched me emotionally - I want to reply individually to you all, but I know if I re-read what you each wrote 'right now' then I won't be able to hold myself together for the things I need to do later today.  So I'm avoiding doing that, and I'm literally writing what I feel able to just now - but each and every one of you are wonderful to reply as you did.  Thank you.

I've been doing some work on 'befriending the inner wounded parts of myself' and also labelling them as characters, and I've found out there are several - and since I did that, they were all 'clamouring to be heard' - especially on Mother's Day.  I am pleased that things have calmed down a bit now, but I am taking things slowly, because it's been quite eye-opening and also a bit startling, but at the same time, I'm finding that I can think about any situation, past, present etc and it makes more sense when I look at it from the contrasting perspectives of each of my inner wounded parts/children.

So I am happy to have found this way of thinking about things, even if it does cause me to feel over-whelmed.  I am going to pursue it, and hopefully write more - and the inner parts/children are communicating to me frequently now - I just need to catch what they say and write it down, and hopefully put things in some order - as they are fragmented, and disjointed - and from different perspectives...

I wrote more than I thought I would...!

Hope 

[Hope67]

Today I feel as if I can actually reply to the people who wrote in this thread - and I am grateful for feeling calmer and able to reply - because I really wanted to - but I was struggling this last couple of days - as I felt 'over-whelmed' by lots of things.

But I'm calmer today, and I can 'think' - and so, I'd like to reply individually to you all:

Gromit - thank you for writing about your cloth doll with the velvet clothes, and also how your M used to make intricate clothes for your own children too - and that it was a lot about how things 'looked' - I relate to that so much.  I also noticed that when you mentioned about your F building you the sledge, and your M getting rid of it, even though you wanted to keep it - that also touched something for me as well - in that my F burned some of my childhood stories (supposedly accidentally), and my M had supposedly valued the fact I wrote stories back then, as she had a big part in encouraging me to read.  Actually, I am thankful to her for that, as reading has 'saved' me in so many ways - I love libraries, and books and they are a sanctuary.

Anyway Gromit, I am thankful that you replied, because Little Hope was fascinated to hear you had a doll too - and Adult Hope was happy too - that another adult relates and (I feel a bit crazy talking about myself as two parts - but at the moment I'm doing 'parts work' as a result of a book I'm reading) and it is helping me.  I think I'm along the dissociative spectrum, and that different parts of me 'drive me' sometimes - not like Sybil or 3 Faces of Eve, not as distinct as that, but I relate to those things, and I'm trying to get my head around it.

Libby183 - Thank you so much for all the things you said.  I read your reply on Mother's Day itself, and that was such a tough day for me, but I managed to get through it, and when you wrote about "motherly words and support' - it touched me so deeply - I really felt a strong connection, and I also very much feel the warmth of your caring nature too - thank you so much.   

Libby, I really admire the fact you've been able to do sewing yourself.  I 'can do' sewing, but somehow I am feeling blocked/stopped from 'starting to do any' - because something is holding me back.  I've even got a sewing machine that I've never used!!!  I really want to make some of my own clothes, but somehow I just feel as if I don't even know how to use the sewing machine - it's as if Little Hope is looking at the sewing machine and thinking she can't work out how to use it - she needs a Mummy to show her, but doesn't like to ask anyone.  I feel a bit pathetic saying that, but that's how it feels...!   

Libby - I agree with you that 'Actions speak louder than words' - I can't say more than that, just that - I agree with you!

Decimal Rocket - I am so sorry to hear your parents "often weren't there" for you when you were growing up, and I relate to what you're saying about the fact that material things don't mean someone is happy - being richer than someone else, doesn't mean that happiness is there.  It doesn't assure happiness at all - you're so right.  I think so.    to us all that we've had to cope with all of this.

Whobuddy - I found it very validating what you wrote, thank you.  It's awful that we grew up without hugs - without feeling warmth of a caring M.  You said to me that you think I have worked very hard to be able to see and feel things - and get out of the FOG - it's taken me decades - I'm in my early 50's now.  I only really began to realise how depressed and cut-off I was in my mid 30's - and didn't understand why - even then.  But yes, I think you're right, I have been working hard to understand and to help my body to wake up and feel things.  To be honest, I think much of that has been helped by allowing myself to have massages every now and again - when I can afford them - just being touched in a gentle way - it has helped me.  It's taken a lot of years though.  I am still working on it - and being NC has also helped me.  But that has been a tough experience in so many ways, and still is.  Whobuddy - I am so grateful to you for recommending that great book to me - Janina Fisher's book - and although it's over-whelmed me a little to be befriending my wounded parts, it is so helpful at the same time.  I feel I was at the right time and place in my 'journey' out of the FOG - to be able to read that book.

I know I'm writing a lot here today - but I really wanted to write to each person who responded to me here, because I found your replies so helpful.  Very validating, and thank you all.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Most people would look at the doll and think - That little girl - she's so lucky.  That is what people thought, I think - that my life was fine. 

I've remembered more things from back then - and I know that people didn't look at the doll and think "That little girl is lucky" - I realise now that they looked at me and wondered if I was ok.  That they actually knew what was going on - to some degree - in my FOO - not everything, but they knew that the daughters in the family (myself and my sister) were not being cared for properly - and I think they talked about it, and wondered about it, and looked with pitying eyes on me.

But I never realised this at the time - I was so young, how could I know - this makes me feel some anger as I think about this today. 


Hope 

[Three Roses]

 

[Hope67]

Three Roses - thank you so much 
Hope