17th Birthday Next Month

  • 13 Replies
  • 1074 Views
*

DecimalRocket

  • Member
  • 1104
  • The Cautious Thrillseeker
    • View Profile
17th Birthday Next Month
« on: March 11, 2018, 07:28:19 AM »
Itís not really that near, but for some reason it still bothers me. Iíll be turning 17 on April 10, and it brings some memories I donít enjoy. There really isnít anything special from birthday memories from the rest of the memories in my past ó all anxious, depressed and lonely. But thereís something about this date just make these memories easier to remember.

Well, itís also a reminder that Iím growing up. CPTSD already makes things complicated, but add the confusion of growing up and that freaks me out. What will my future be like? Will I do well? Will I mess up in a downward turn? Will it get harder?

Mixed with the terrible memories, Iím strangely nostalgic about my childhood ó where even though I was already deeply worried, my worries were simpler to understand. Now Iím bingewatching old tv shows Iíve watched in childhood from all this nostalgia.

Iím doing absolutely terrible at this. . .



*

Dee

  • Member
  • 1489
    • View Profile
Re: 17th Birthday Next Month
« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2018, 04:35:58 PM »

You are so smart, resilient, and resourceful that you will do well in life.  It is just the way it is, some people have those qualities that allow them to succeed even when they struggle.

It's not that it doesn't get harder or easier, but you learn to ride it out.  When I was 17 a social worker gave me a poem and as I got older I understood it more and more.  It is called "Comes the Dawn."  I think it fits here. 

Comes The Dawn

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesnít mean leaning
And company doesnít mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses arenít contracts
And presents arenít promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrowís ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.


*

Elphanigh

  • Member
  • 2594
    • View Profile
Re: 17th Birthday Next Month
« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2018, 11:19:45 PM »
Decimal and Dee those both hit homw for me right now.

Decimal I have a few years on you but definitely am feeling that as I approach my 24th birthday on the 4th. I kmow we will both make it through these days. You are so strong and wise beyond your years decimal. I truly believe you have such wonderful things ahead of you.

*

DecimalRocket

  • Member
  • 1104
  • The Cautious Thrillseeker
    • View Profile
Re: 17th Birthday Next Month
« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2018, 10:16:05 AM »
Thank you two. Those warmed my heart.  :hug: I've reflected on what you've said for hours. I get emotional sometimes hearing kindness - I expect something much worse and not having it is . . . weird.

I'm anxious really. Lots of the advice given to this age does apply to me, but many of them don't. My hopes and problems are far too different, with strengths and weaknesses more at the extremes. My situation is different, and different situations call for different solutions. But I'm not sure if I can figure that out beyond what people normally share.

Yes, I'm smart, but that can be a problem sometimes. I'm good at seeing potential so I keep seeing the horrifying possibilities of myself and the whole world. My memory is sharp so I remember the bad times in much more detail. I can see every all my weaknesses and flaws in pinpoint detail all the time, and I can take a guess on what this could mean. I worry and try to solve things no one else worries about, and many people can't relate as much.

I feel like I have to ponder every possibility. But I'm powerless to know what the future might be. I thought I knew what the ideal life would look like, but now I know I don't have a single idea.

I'm scared. I don't want to grow up and see those possibilities myself.

« Last Edit: March 14, 2018, 11:39:38 AM by DecimalRocket »

*

tea-the-artist

  • Member
  • 303
  • my mind, not their mind; I'm The Hero of My Life
    • View Profile
Re: 17th Birthday Next Month
« Reply #4 on: March 14, 2018, 06:18:31 PM »
DR, your feeling "weird" to receiving kindness is so understandable, as well as your feelings about birthdays. I think you're going to do great, each year that comes :hug:

the future is definitely mega scary, and CPTSD doesn't help in minimizing its unpredictability.  but just like in the poem Dee brought up, you're going to learn. good things and not so good things. and that's OK. when I was 17, I didn't really understand that I had been suffering for a very long time. Time works differently for all of us, but I believe in you and your capabilities DR! While right now, your smartness may work against you sometimes, as you "learn and learn," it'll be quite the handy tool in your recovery tool box.  :thumbup:

As El said, you are definitely wise beyond your years. Sending you some good support! :cheer: :grouphug:  :cheer:

*

DecimalRocket

  • Member
  • 1104
  • The Cautious Thrillseeker
    • View Profile
Re: 17th Birthday Next Month
« Reply #5 on: March 16, 2018, 03:23:03 AM »
Thank you, Tea. I remembered what you said when I felt hopeless.  :hug:

I'm still confused about all this really. But I know people would be there for me this year at the very least.

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 6073
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: 17th Birthday Next Month
« Reply #6 on: March 17, 2018, 04:11:53 PM »
that is such a wonderful thing to know, isn't it?  that people will be there for you?  look at you - you're growing into adulthood right before your very eyes.

that is one of the loveliest poems i've ever read.  so very very true, so ripe with potential, so dense with realities.  i absolutely loved it.  thanks for sharing that, dee.

you continue to put one foot in front of the other, exploring what each footstep means for you and your life, d.r., and that's the most sensible, courageous, and mature manner of moving from one stage of life to another.  i have to remember that as i am climbing into my golden years, another adventure into the unknown.

i hope your birthdays become as delightful as you are, sweetie.  love and a big early birthday hug.

*

Kizzie

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • 7356
    • View Profile
Re: 17th Birthday Next Month
« Reply #7 on: March 18, 2018, 06:28:23 PM »
Tea the Artist wrote:

Quote
...you are definitely wise beyond your years

I agree DR  :yes:   There are so many things you shouldn't have to see and feel being your age, but in the end it may be one silver lining to all that you are going through; that is, those of us with CPTSD do tend to be wise beyond our years and live a deeper, richer life as we work through the trauma.  I hope that is true for you  :hug:

*

DecimalRocket

  • Member
  • 1104
  • The Cautious Thrillseeker
    • View Profile
Re: 17th Birthday Next Month
« Reply #8 on: March 20, 2018, 08:16:58 AM »
Thanks Kizzie and San.  :hug:

Honestly, Iím feeling feverish right now physically. I donít know. But do I deserve to have more progress in my happiness? It just feels like all the effort to make me feel better is a waste of time, and compared to my past, it feels like Iím living in luxury from all the kindness given to me.

The more people put effort into me, the less people can put effort into themselves and others. A lot of the people I ask help with already have major issues in their lives too ó I guess nearly everyone does, and maybe Iím just being a burden.


*

tea-the-artist

  • Member
  • 303
  • my mind, not their mind; I'm The Hero of My Life
    • View Profile
Re: 17th Birthday Next Month
« Reply #9 on: March 20, 2018, 02:22:00 PM »
But do I deserve to have more progress in my happiness? It just feels like all the effort to make me feel better is a waste of time, and compared to my past, it feels like Iím living in luxury from all the kindness given to me.


Yes you absolutely do, DR! there's no doubt about it. you are still quite young, and genuinely in my heart I just think it's absolutely unfair that you have all this to deal with. when I was 17, I knew something was up, but was still so unaware of anything necessarily going on with the wiring of my brain. I say this not to invalidate myself, but for you at still a young age to be aware of it. it's almost like when some parents say they want their kids to stay unknowing or innocent for longer. having CPTSD is one thing. being aware of it.. it's quite overwhelming. but that's why we're here. somehow we've sort of come together with this common thing. i never thought there was anyone like myself (back when I thought i had "PTSD with some extra flair"), but I made my way here, and so did the other members. and so did you!

The more people put effort into me, the less people can put effort into themselves and others. A lot of the people I ask help with already have major issues in their lives too ó I guess nearly everyone does, and maybe Iím just being a burden.

You're definitely not a burden at all! None of us are. Compassion is so necessary and many of us didn't get enough of it, so it's ok to get other people's kindness. just because we too have lots of issues in our lives doesn't mean we shouldn't give compassion when we can. and it doesn't mean that you don't deserve it, because you do deserve it! it's perfectly fine to ask for help (and it's such a great thing that you are able to!). many hugs to you! :hug:

*

Blueberry

  • Member
  • 5884
  • Baby steps count!
    • View Profile
Re: 17th Birthday Next Month
« Reply #10 on: March 20, 2018, 09:21:52 PM »
The more people put effort into me, the less people can put effort into themselves and others. A lot of the people I ask help with already have major issues in their lives too ó I guess nearly everyone does, and maybe Iím just being a burden.

You're definitely not a burden at all! None of us are. Compassion is so necessary and many of us didn't get enough of it, so it's ok to get other people's kindness. just because we too have lots of issues in our lives doesn't mean we shouldn't give compassion when we can. and it doesn't mean that you don't deserve it, because you do deserve it! it's perfectly fine to ask for help (and it's such a great thing that you are able to!). many hugs to you! :hug:

 :yeahthat:

And I'll just add DR that learning to be compassionate to others especially those in a similar state to my own (having CPTSD) has helped me learn self-compassion and compassion for my ICs (part of self-compassion of course).

I often think I'm a burden, too, though the these thoughts are diminishing. That's something FOO taught me. My abusers taught me that. I'm learning to un-learn. I hope you do too.

*

DecimalRocket

  • Member
  • 1104
  • The Cautious Thrillseeker
    • View Profile
Re: 17th Birthday Next Month
« Reply #11 on: March 21, 2018, 08:29:45 AM »
Thank you both. :)

I'm a little shy to show my gratitude in detail. Affection isn't really one of my strengths, but well, I kinda . . . felt good stuff. . . at all that.

Well, you know what I'm talking about.  :whistling:

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 6073
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: 17th Birthday Next Month
« Reply #12 on: March 21, 2018, 08:33:38 PM »
when we care about someone, their problems are not burdens.   we give and take here, and i think it's a very healthy atmosphere.  we all deserve help when we need it, and this place has some of the most generous people i've never met.  we give what we can when we can.  most important is that we give to ourselves first what we need. 

one person's problems are what we give attention to when we are able, but that doesn't necessarily take anything away from anyone else.  you're doing fine, d.r.  you aren't any better or worse than anyone else.   we're all in the same boat here.  love and hugs to you.

*

Resca

  • Member
  • 104
  • The journey is the goal.
    • View Profile
Re: 17th Birthday Next Month
« Reply #13 on: March 22, 2018, 04:06:33 PM »
:yeahthat:

All of it. My birthday is two days before yours and even though I'm turning 27, your anxiety and feverishness resonate. That's not to say it doesn't get easier - I promise you, it does - but as you keenly pointed out, something about birthdays makes memories more accessible and perhaps more painful than usual.

Remember: you have made it through every impossible birthday; every difficult memory; every moment of every year; and you have made it to 17. You have gained wisdom and experience. You have also gained pain. And you have gained a community here to help you synthesize those into something that will better serve you in the years to come. Your next birthday and all the ones thereafter might be a little hazy right now, but the thing about strength is that it doesn't give you foresight; instead, it gives you the ability to face whatever comes with grace. To make the best of your circumstances. And to make the change when the time is right.

As many other have already said, you are wise beyond your years and you will figure this thing out. Try to have faith in yourself. And when you can't, we'll do it for you, okay?  :grouphug: No trouble, no burden, just love. That's what we're here for.

Happy almost birthday, DR.