I'm exhausted from all this.

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DecimalRocket

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I'm exhausted from all this.
« on: March 15, 2018, 12:37:47 PM »
It's nearly finals where I am, and it's stressing me out. I remember being often too hard on myself during this time of the year, and the flashbacks have been piling up over me much more intensely. I've had a couple of crying breakdowns today. and I almost feel tired enough to pass out.

One thing that threw me off was my own resume for college, and actually it was pretty good - ridiculously qualified to many standards. That's the point though. I feel like a fraud. A liar. I feel like all my achievements would fall and crash one day. I grew up people seeing my own natural intelligence and curiosity, and thinking I could change the world. Some people still ask me to remember them when I get famous.

It wasn't school that worried me the most. It was the fear of not being loved and treasured for who I am. It was believing that when I'm exhausted, people won't show compassion but anger. Possibly-can-change-the-world-me's easier to like. How about massively-insecure-and-in-pain me though?

I love learning, but learning to a strict deadline that's graded, timed and pressured is something else. The classes in the country are often so high standard that there are classes so hard most people fail and the smartest and/or the most hardworking just humbly pass. The week before finals is the most hectic, and they force students to work till late at night for some of our requirements. The teachers seem to normalize this workaholism as just a matter of "discipline", but other students are often more sympathetic to all this.

Sigh. I'm not staying late today. If I do even more, I'll get a fever and this would get even worse.

I'll try to sleep a full night and relaxxxxx.



« Last Edit: March 15, 2018, 12:40:42 PM by DecimalRocket »

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Blueberry

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Re: I'm exhausted from all this.
« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2018, 12:46:21 PM »
Sigh. I'm not staying late today. If I do even more, I'll get a fever and this would get even worse.

I'll try to sleep a full night and relaxxxxx.

 :thumbup: Good self-care DR  :cheer: :cheer:

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sanmagic7

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Re: I'm exhausted from all this.
« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2018, 02:07:35 PM »
take it easy on yourself, d.r.  the pressure of expectations of others, something i'm very familiar with from my dad, can totally wear us out.  trying to always live up to them is exhausting. 

i hope you can remember that you are loved just as you are, pass, fail, incomplete - it doesn't matter.  i believe your personhood is more important than anything.  it's by being a good person that we truly change the world, and you are a very good person.   you have added to the world of this community in some very special ways. 

i'm pleased and proud to be part of your life however you're feeling.  you are a beautiful being, sweetie, and to my mind that counts for so much.   your innate intelligence will get you thru exams, but your great heart will get you thru life.  sending a hug filled with love and luck - if you need it - and a big smile.

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DecimalRocket

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Re: I'm exhausted from all this.
« Reply #3 on: March 16, 2018, 01:38:15 AM »

Blue,  :hug:

San, thank you for being there as always and I treasure your kindness. :) I'll try to take care of myself and believe that I'm important.

But thereís so much more to changing the world than kindness. I didn't add to this community just because I was kind - I also gathered knowledge, reasoned to my own conclusions without a bias, experimented rigorously and translated the cold hard analysis into a package of communication that makes it warmer and kinder for other's use.

Ever since Iíve been here, Iíve been getting more softhearted, and I worry about other people more these days. The change feels pretty burdening on my emotions to be honest, and sometimes I donít know what to do with it.

 :hug:

Can I ask for a little more attention though? Iíve been feeling kind of. . . starved for it these days ó if thatís alright with you and if my problems are important enough.
« Last Edit: March 16, 2018, 03:13:24 AM by DecimalRocket »

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Three Roses

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Re: I'm exhausted from all this.
« Reply #4 on: March 16, 2018, 06:10:12 AM »
 :hug:

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Blueberry

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Re: I'm exhausted from all this.
« Reply #5 on: March 16, 2018, 07:09:08 AM »
 :hug: :hug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: I'm exhausted from all this.
« Reply #6 on: March 17, 2018, 12:25:04 AM »
of course there's more to changing the world than kindness, d.r., but i think it's a wonderful place to start.  the learning you've accomplished here, the warmth toward others you now feel, the humanity within you that's blossoming - all those things are fabulous foundations for world changing.  our world can be as big or small as we make it.

you wanted to learn, so you decided to let this forum be a sort of classroom for you.  and what did you get from that?  something so amazing that not everyone can even hope to accomplish it.  you got love.  you're able to accept as well as give it out now.  that's what i've heard is the best thing humans have ever invented.

i don't doubt you know harry potter.  what was the one thing dumbledore repeated to him over and over that made harry so special?  that harry was able to love in spite of the horrors of his childhood.  voldemort didn't have that ability, but harry was able to change the world because he did have it, and he showed it, gave it, and accepted it. 

we change the world every time we show a kindness to another, every time we smile at a stranger, every time we acknowledge someone in spite of what's going on around us or them.   those are world-changing gestures, sweetie.  maybe they don't count in the minds of some, but i think those are pretty small minds.  the greatness of something as simple and profound as love is the best this world can hope to see.

you are special in your own right, not just cuz of your intelligence, your logic, your problem-solving abilities.  you are special because you didn't give up on this place even when you were confused, bewildered, overwhelmed and ready to run.  you have opened your mind and heart to other human beings - i don't see anything quite as world-changing as that.  that's all the world is, a big round ball of people, you know.  the more we love, the more changed we and the ones we love become. 

you don't have to know what to do with it, what to do about it.  again, like the entire process you've been going thru, give yourself time to just let it settle, just let it be, just let yourself be.  it's enough.

it is world-changing, you see.  love you, d.r.  you're great.

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DecimalRocket

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Re: I'm exhausted from all this.
« Reply #7 on: March 17, 2018, 02:43:34 AM »
Thank you San. I actually feel warmth in my heart now towards myself. I donít think it will last as long as I want to. But itís certainly there.

Tsk, tsk, San. You have a special way of bringing out my soft side. Iím sure Iím not as connected to it as you are, but what you do to bring it out does bounds. Sometimes I ask myself, ďWhat would San say?Ē when trying to be kind. Iím still awkward with . . . emotions. . .  sometimes and right now as I talk to you, but it gets easier.

Iíd keep thanking you, but all this mushy stuff is starting to feel weird to me.  :whistling:  Hey, hey, donít look at me all goeey and feely like that.

Well, you know what Iím talking about.

See you, San.  :bigwink:
« Last Edit: March 17, 2018, 02:57:25 AM by DecimalRocket »

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sanmagic7

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Re: I'm exhausted from all this.
« Reply #8 on: March 17, 2018, 02:29:36 PM »
you brought a smile to my face, d.r. - a great way to start the day.  thanks.     :hug:

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ah

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Re: I'm exhausted from all this.
« Reply #9 on: March 17, 2018, 11:03:11 PM »

we change the world every time we show a kindness to another, every time we smile at a stranger, every time we acknowledge someone in spite of what's going on around us or them.   those are world-changing gestures, sweetie.  maybe they don't count in the minds of some, but i think those are pretty small minds.  the greatness of something as simple and profound as love is the best this world can hope to see.

you are special in your own right, not just cuz of your intelligence, your logic, your problem-solving abilities.  you are special because you didn't give up on this place even when you were confused, bewildered, overwhelmed and ready to run.  you have opened your mind and heart to other human beings - i don't see anything quite as world-changing as that.  that's all the world is, a big round ball of people, you know.  the more we love, the more changed we and the ones we love become. 

you don't have to know what to do with it, what to do about it.  again, like the entire process you've been going thru, give yourself time to just let it settle, just let it be, just let yourself be.  it's enough.

it is world-changing, you see.  love you, d.r.  you're great.

 :yeahthat:
Me too, Rocket -  :yourock:
I agree with every word San said.

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DecimalRocket

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Re: I'm exhausted from all this.
« Reply #10 on: March 18, 2018, 12:47:44 PM »
San and Ah,  :hug: .