The Lady in the Mirror with the Long Hair

Hope67 · March 15, 2018, 04:35:29 PM

I used to sit for what seemed like a very very long time, looking at the 'Lady in the Mirror with the Long Hair' - I used to wonder who is she - was she my sister, looking after me for a while, when I was very little - putting on her make-up and brushing her hair - very long dark brown hair. She just used to focus on it, and I used to sit very quiet - watching her.

When I finally 'found' my long lost sister, whom I last saw when I was only 8 years of age, and only had fleeting memories of in previous times - I asked her about that memory, and she told me it wasn't her - because our M had never allowed her to have long hair - even though that is what she'd always wanted - to have long hair.

No, it was infact my NM - she was the woman brushing her long dark brown hair, in that mirror, attending to her make-up. My sister told me that M liked to 'look perfect' - with a face-full of make-up, and that was how she would spend quite a lot of time - doing just that. My sister told me she never wears any make-up, by contrast.

The thing is, I feel shocked as an adult, thinking about the fact that Little Hope didn't know who that lady was - when infact that lady was Little Hope's M. My M. This fills me with incredulity, and it's shocking somehow. I was so dissociated, even as a young child, to not even recognise who someone was. My own M.

I've been wondering whether to write about this, because my 'critics' told me not to write about it - but I know it's purely because they want to protect my vulnerable little selves, but the thing is that everyone here in this forum has been kind and validating, and so it's ok - I can write this here, and I will do so. For Little Hope.

I just wanted to share this memory of the 'Lady in the Mirror' - and share my incredulity that I didn't recognise who she was.

Hope

Blueberry · March 15, 2018, 05:55:38 PM

I feel a bit speechless Hope, but want to let you know I read.

for you and

for Little Hope if it's safe for her.

I hope it feels good to you and Little Hope writing this down and allowing Little Hope to be seen by us on here. It sounds as if your M was only seeing herself back then and not her own little daughter. Us seeing her would make a change.

Three Roses · March 15, 2018, 08:05:24 PM

Or - maybe there was just something keeping Little Hope from remembering...?

sanmagic7 · March 17, 2018, 01:18:36 AM

it's truly amazing what our minds have the ability to do, even when we don't know why. here's a warm, accepting hug for both you, hope, and for little hope. you are both precious.

Libby183 · March 17, 2018, 09:36:53 AM

Dear Hope.

Thank you so much for sharing this process you are going through with all of us. It's really brave of you and very, very helpful.

In a lot of ways, it's similar to what I am working through in my EMDR therapy. Although the path we are taking is different, it's all about that poor, hurt inner child. It was replying to you that led me to my first, real acceptance of this wounded part of me. That was a major breakthrough for me, and I really think it has helped me access the therapy even more effectively.

You worry about posting and I know I do, but it is so valuable to others to get these ideas "out there". You are helping me so much, whilst helping little Hope to deal with awful hurts.

Thank you again.

Libby.

Hope67 · March 17, 2018, 07:26:16 PM

Blueberry - thank you so much. What you said meant something to me, and I thank you for it.

3Roses - I really think that you hit on something that has helped me - because in the book I'm reading at the moment, it talks about an 'eraser' who can come and wipe out memories, or hide them, if they're going to hurt the little wounded part/inner child. I do wonder why I couldn't see that the woman with the long hair was my M. I feel I should have known it was her - but I had no idea who she was - I thought she was my sister.

to you, 3 Roses.
Sanmagic - thank you

Libby - your words were emotional for me, and much appreciated - thank you

- I reciprocate the things you said, because you have helped me with your kind replies and sharing your experiences. Similarly, for Blueberry, 3Roses, and SanMagic - and many others in the forum - I am grateful to you all for understanding - and without you, I wouldn't feel brave enough to talk about these things. Thank you

I know that Little Hope has appreciated sharing these snippets from her life, and she's been showing me more things - and I hope I will be able to share some of those too - as I know she wants me to share them.

I feel emotional as I write this, so I know that Little Hope is here and listening.

Hope

Hope67 · November 20, 2018, 07:34:09 PM

Quote from: Hope67 on March 17, 2018, 07:26:16 PM
I do wonder why I couldn't see that the woman with the long hair was my M. I feel I should have known it was her - but I had no idea who she was - I thought she was my sister.

This is awful, I feel so bad for the fact I couldn't acknowledge who she was - and wondered about her in that way. I was so cut-off from the reality of what was going on. Not to even realise who my own mother is. I find this very distressing to think about this. I think I am beginning to 'feel' some of the emotion connected to these memories - rather than just see them in black and white. i.e. devoid of emtion - they are beginning to affect me.

Hope

Blueberry · November 20, 2018, 09:43:11 PM

Hope. If it's like for me, then these realisations and the emotions you're beginning to feel - well, can be pretty painful.

Hope67 · November 22, 2018, 10:31:42 AM

Hi Blueberry,
It was incredibly painful - it's taken me an entire day to settle again - within myself. It felt quite agonizing in intensity - and was so unsettling for most of yesterday - but today I feel calmer again. Thank you so much for your reply here - and I felt your empathy

Thank you.
Hope

Three Roses · November 23, 2018, 04:36:13 AM

Gentle

to you, dear Hope. 🌹

Hope67 · November 23, 2018, 11:34:24 AM

Thank you, Three Roses.

Hope

Blueberry · November 23, 2018, 06:30:52 PM

Hope, I've come back to this thread a couple of times in the past few days, thinking I really want to support you. Then I see I already have posted. The image of your M seems to haunt me in some way. It's as if you're writing a ghost story, only it was real for Little Hope.

You're making so much progress atm and working so hard. I take my hat off to you because you're doing it all without T. Wow!

Hope67 · January 17, 2019, 07:43:30 PM

HI Blueberry,
I have re-read what you wrote, and I have taken it in, and each time I mean to reply here, somehow I've not done so - but I wanted to say thank you for saying this, because I really relate to what you said - and I think that my past does feel like a ghost story in some ways - like there's an unreality to events - yet you're right, Little Hope was living this life.
I know you wrote your reply a long while back - but I wanted to thank you.
Hope