No real support system, isolation and the anxiety I feel

[madebynature]

I'm a new member here. I posted a brief post in the introductions section.

I have no real support system. As I've gone through my healing process, I've had to face truths about how emotionally isolated I have been my whole life. I feel like I have gone through so many varieties of loneliness, each of them just as horrible and internally devastating as the other. I have no intimate connections - no friends, no family, no children and no partner with whom I can be myself, with whom I feel embraced for human being that I am. This hurts me deeply. Because I feel like my whole life I've wanted, no needed, to be seen. And I have been slowly I realising the depth of the wounds I carry from never been seen, never been appreciated or cared for for just as I am. I've identified myself as a freeze/fawn cptsd type, so I survived my traumas from a mix of having to shrink my true self and adopting the roles that were expected of me. My empathetic side was exploited to the advantage of others, without much, if any, empathy returned.

The sense of lonliness I feel drives me into episodes of deep depression and anxiety, making me wonder what might be wrong with me that I have no-one in my life to offer me a hug, or a shoulder to cry on. But I am working on this and trying to be gentle with myself, trying not redirect my pain into feelings of self loathing. This is hard.

I push myself to go to social actiivities that I find online, turning up at events on my own where I don't know anybody. I tell myself if I provide myself opportunities to meet new people through exposure, then eventually I might click with like minded individuals or people who might want to know me. But it's not easy and even when a new connection is made, it seems to be a whole other ball game as to whether that connection will turn into an actual caring and long term friendship.

I think I am quite an introspective and a deeply feeling person, I very much gravitate towards deep and meaningful types of conversations. But often it feels like that's not what others are interested in. I also think that when you've been through trauma and engage in self healing, you become alot more mature and wise in a way compared to the average person who has had a 'good enough' life. This is the case for me and because of this if feels like most new people that I meet are from a different world than me.

Another thing is that most new people I meet have solid support systems, they have family and/or friends who love them, so they're not necessarily looking for more. And most people I meet in my age group especially (mid 30's) are pretty well setup it seems when it comes to social support. Whereas I come from a place of it's just me and my beloved cat. This is another thing that makes me feel very internally alienated when I meet new people, even if I share a positive interaction with them. I can see/feel their sense of calm and contentment due to their social bonds. I know that at the end of the day they go home and will have someone there who cares about them or friends who they'll talk to over the phone. At the end of my day I come home to my cat, who I love more than any other being in this world and am so grateful for (he's saved my life). Though there is something to be said about not having another human bond there for you.

So often I read that trauma and ctpsd healing requires some element of social support, love, and care from people who are your support system. And I feel the gravity of this in my heart. I feel like I know that despite the fact that I have very little in my life right now, if I had just one person, one friend who I knew was there for me, someone who genuinely cared for me who I didn't feel like I have to wear a socially acceptable face with, I would feel better about my life. I would just feel better.

I have read some other posts on this forum where people have expressed having no support system. I would really like to know if anyone relates to some of the feelings I've expressed here. And I would like to know if anyone who has been in a place where they had no loving support has eventually found people (in person) who became that support?

Thank you for reading this.

[Jdog]

Welcome to our forum, madebynature!

I hear the deep pain you are expressing, the feelings of loneliness, the perception that others have a social support network that you are not experiencing at this time.  I have been through times very much like that, and it is isolating, to be sure.

As you heal, remember that all emotions are transient and are leading us to new places.  It will not always be like this.  I am nearly 60 now, and do recall my 30s as having been raw and difficult.  But it changes, and good things will appear for you.

Also, consider volunteering in some capacity.  Perhaps helping someone elderly who needs assistance in some aspect of life, or even working with animals at the local shelter.  In addition to making some connections, you may come away with new appreciation for what you do have in your life and gratitude is a powerful healing tool as well.

Best wishes to you, and again, welcome.

[ah]

Hi Madebynature,

I'm so sorry you're so alone. I am too. It's a really heavy burden, that. Always leaves me feeling flawed and inadequate and it just feeds my self hatred perfectly. It's a loop that's hard to break.

Age is definitely part of it. I'm not in my 20's anymore so looking for new friends isn't what people do anymore. Other circumstances play into it as well. Things I can't control, or change at all. Totally out of my hands. Yeah, self loathing is always difficult for me too... we're social animals and I desperately need to be seen, but I'm never seen. Everyone I know is either an accomplice or an abuser. It's crazy making. Trying to escape it leaves me exhausted. I'm looking for ways to stop trying to escape the inescapable.

I know it isn't quite the same as being able to see and hear a person face to face, but you sound like someone I'd befriend in a split second. Introspected, gravitate toward serious conversations, yep. I would invite you for tea and we'd be talking for 4 hours before either of us noticed it, I bet.

In my experience, a life full of trauma has been so much worse than just the trauma itself. It left me like a bit of an alien, with knowledge about the dangerous aspects of life that I shouldn't have learned at such a young age. It left me cynical but also very naive at the same time, willing to submit to every abuser and accomplice who came my way in hopes of being seen. So now in the past few years I've been intentionally changing myself, by myself, talking less to people and reading more, learning about trauma and personality disordered people, and watching my own habits.

I still have self loathing to work on, it's a lifelong habit... but it's not as all-powerful as it was before. I still can't change circumstances, but I now am better at picking and choosing the sort of people I really do like and relate to. I'm getting better at saying No. At not being seen, and feeling the pain of it, but being able to bear it and learning to be alone with myself and almost like myself, or be able to imagine one day liking myself. Well, sometimes. 

I find it easier with people who've gone through hardship, any sort of hardship.

I agree with Jdog, when I'm able I work on projects for people who do suffer. Social housing projects and volunteering with people who know pain, like me, whether it's loneliness or also physical pain or poverty or all of it together. Being their friend reconnects me to what I know. It lets me be empathic to others not because my empathy was exploited non stop in the past, but because I consider my empathy an asset and I use it to help someone else a bit. And vicariously, it helps me a bit too.

Just between you and me (and the entire web  ) I find the happy people really dull. They have nothing to talk about. No insights. No personal growth. People who have "met" real life, harsh life, are more interesting to me. They don't leave me feeling empty and alien.

All other things aside, you've got a friend here. 

[woodsgnome]

Everything written here, the original post and the followups, resonates 100% with my experience. Lonely to the point of despair, unsure of finding it at all anymore. But I too, speak from an older time frame, and there have been some cracks in the armor.

One of these was almost accidentally finding myself in a creative vocation involving other people (acting). This sounds wonderful, but it was only a glimpse out of my bubble/iceberg in which I hid most of the rest of me (also a freeze sort). For several years, this kept me afloat but it (and some other factors) kept me distant once the acting part was over.

I did, however, acquire 4 dear friends in the process. They, especially 1, became dear friends who had my back. Good stuff, then they all died within short order a couple of years ago, and I'm left once more without any support network whatsoever. Added to this is I live in a pretty remote region, where social outlets can dwindle to bars and/or churches, neither of which I gravitate to.

I agree strongly with the idea of finding a volunteer niche in the social service sphere. For several years--when I was more mobile than I am now--I was a hospice volunteer and it was wonderful to be there with people who had no agenda other than ending their days peacefully. But an eye disease (glaucoma) and dwindling resources to travel cut off that possibility. I also did a stint a few years ago for a pre-school program. It was great, but I had to end it as well. For quite a few years, I wrote a very creative column for a local newspaper and while that mostly didn't involve social contacts (albeit some), it was well received and it kept the mind sharp. Now that too has slid off the table, and while I have no expectations of the next step, if there is one it might find me, but I've dampened any wild expectations of finding it. Having to know and then find the perfect way are two sides of the same illusion, though common in cptsd people.

I'm still lonely, but another way to regard this is to call it solitary. Going solo isn't an indication that you're a pariah, but for legit reasons you know (and others don't have to unless it seems they might be understanding) your solo life outpaces the social. Again, there's not a zilch wrong with you for being sensitive; in many ways it's a positive, and you seem to know that. While it's disheartening sometimes, it's also not a life sentence.

There's more, but it's probably enough said. I'm to the point where full-time intimate social interaction might/might not be in the cards for me. Still, I know how desperate it can feel. Something that's key (and that I too often forget) is to be open to surprise. I was surprised to find a 'healing memories' workshop not far from here; while I have some notion that there might indeed be like-minded people there, I'm not counting on it...just will show up as me.

I hope some of this makes sense. 

[Eyessoblue]

Hi, I feel the same to a degree, I'm quite a sociable person but can be in a large crowd of friends and feel incredibly lonely like I don't connect with anyone or people just don't understand me, I was talking to my therapist about this and she said one of the traits of cptsd is feeling incredibly alone, it has all to do with the trauma that we have been through and how we've felt as a child - very alone, no one to turn to, no one to share this with and no one who will understand us, we grow up feeling alone and different from other people due to our 'different' life experiences. You to me sound like just the sort of person I would like to get to know, I too like 'deep' conversations and am very empathetic and compassionate, there I don't think are that many people like that out there or certainly not many I've come across, loneliness is a horrible thing to deal with and I have days where I see no one and just have my own depressing company which can be really depressing at times, I'm slowly trying to find new directions in my life and think of me and what I want now rather then worrying about what other people will think of me etc, I'm sure a lot of people will admire your qualities which sounds like you have a lot to me. Think about the fact that you have been through a lot of rubbish, you have come out the other side, you are still alive etc, I give myself affirmations every day to make me feel better, I am my support!

[Rainagain]

Made by nature,
I hope you feel that there is support for you here, great people who have plenty of wisdom.

Personally I don't do social groups very well, but I get a lot out of small interactions with people I meet briefly, had a nice chat with a person in a gift shop today where we were both laughing, can't even remember why but it was lovely.

I save my existential questions for the good people on here, in real life I just talk about the inconsequential or ridiculous, it works OK for me.

Those people you meet every day? They wont understand what we know to be true but they themselves are only one or two earth shattering traumas away from being right here with us. They just don't realise it.
I envy them that.

[madebynature]

Wow, I am overwhelemed by all the reponses. Thank you.. I will respond to each person, for I'm thankful for each response:

--

Jdog: It is heartening read your words about emotions leading to new places and that things change and that good things will appear. Thank you for this and the warm welcome. I agree with you that gratitude is very powerful. Being able to feel gratitude for something, anything, has helped me pull through many difficult times. This past week I have started doing a daily gratitude list and it helps.

ah: Your post made me teary. Thank you for being kind and saying that you would invite me for tea and for sharing your insights and feelings. I relate to so much of what you've said. "a life full of trauma has been so much worse than just the trauma itself" >> this is so true. So much to be said about this. I also find it easier to interact and emotionally relate with people who have known hardship. What what you said about picking and choosing the people you like - this is something I am getting my head around. Throughout my life I have allowed people to use me through non-reciprocal, boundary breaking relationships and part of that I think stemmed from being so isolated inside and badly needing social contact. As I have been developing boundaries, I am slowly learning to turn down opportunities for social contact with individuals who show boundary breaking behavior. It's a hard thing to do when I'm craving social contact, but learning to say no despite the lonliness I feel is a neccessary step for me. No more sacrifice myself in exchange for a non-reciprocal 'friendships' as that just leaves me feeling more hollow and more alone. What you said about happy people who have not been through hardship being dull - haha, that's so interesting to hear and a refreshing perspective. Sometimes when I am somewhere public and there are pairs of people around conversing and I can hear what they're saying, I actually try to listen to their conversation because I wonder what do 'normal' people talk about. It is amazing how little substance many of the conversations seem to have.

woodsgnome: Thank you for relating and for sharing some of your story. Yes, you post did make sense to me I am sorry to hear that your friends passed away and that you are alone again. I hope the memories of your friends and the connection you had brings some comfort to you. What you said about being sensitive being a good thing, thank you for saying that, it is something I have at times tried to tell myself. I think I do believe it is a good thing, just find it hard to maintain that view when trying to from healing trauma has taken the center stage in my life now. But some part of me does believe that more sensitive people are needed in this world.

Eyessoblue: Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for relating to my post. I too have read feeling alone as a child is a significant trait of ctpsd and childhood trauma. And thank you for expressing that you would like to get to know me - I rarely get to express myself to other as I have here and so not being rejected for such expressions and actually recieving something of the opposite is a different experience for me. I also agree about affirmations, I use them too and they really help.

Rainagain: Thank you. Yes, from the responses so far it appears that there is supportive and knowledgable people here. I am quite overwhelemed by that right now. What you said here "They wont understand what we know to be true but they themselves are only one or two earth shattering traumas away from being right here with us. They just don't realise it." >> wow, that is such an insightful perspective. It has me really thinking. Thank you for that.

---

Given that so many responses have suggested doing volunteer work, I am going to really consider that and look into what options are locally available to me.

I feel very appreciative of all you responses. I have been very scared or unsure about joining an online forum for a long time so it's actually confronting in some way for me to consider that this forum might actually be a genuinely supportive place. I think when a person has been hurt by people, especially the people who were supposed to care about you, it is challenging to understand when you receive the opposite of what you've come to expect from people. I am probably going to read your posts again tomorrow to let it all sink in. Thank you again for reading and providing such welcoming responses.

[Rainagain]

Made by nature,

I'm glad you feel welcomed and heard, this forum has great people.

The opposite of what I said is also probably true, but for the trauma we would be sitting on a bench talking about the mundane and inconsequential just like everyone else.

[Slackjaw99]

Chiming in a bit late hear, but felt I had some experience to share with meeting people.

You described my social experience throughout my life perfectly- inability to fully connect with people, intense loneliness, depression and longing for some type of intimacy. I've looked back through my life recently to find the same pattern over and over- failed attempts to join social circles, getting rejected and ostracized, and wearing another layer of shame and self-deprecation decade after decade.

During one recent therapeutic healing session, it was revealed to me that my fundamental development arrest was my insecure attachment to my mother and it's detrimental effects on my ability to relate to others in a manner that considers their needs and emotions in proper proportion to my own. My mother, due to her own traumatic background, recoiled at the sound of my crying as an infant. She was unable to sooth and comfort me in my distress, and that only caused me to cry louder. The resulting punishment and neglect forced me to learn to suppress my emotions in order to get my nominal survival needs met. But my emotional needs went unmet, and thus kicked off that lifelong search for someone who would meet my emotional needs while handicapped with the inability to meet theirs. No wonder every friendship and romance throughout my life was fleeting and fraught with anxiety and suspicion. I was always trying to come up with a new gimmick to meet women and ingratiate myself into social circles and cliques always with failure.

It wasn't until I became "cPTSD informed" that I became aware of my self-defeating relationship patterns including unrealistic expectations of where I fit in. This allowed me to gain a toe hold with my left brain when, through sheer luck, I met a fellow misfit at a singles trivia Meetup group. What was lucky was that despite her shortcomings and traumatic background, she had a secure attachment with her mother, and thus helped provide me with some emotional regulation.

More than anything this past year, I've been in a running battle with my outer critic who wants to do everything possible to break up our relationship. My OC produces endless reasons why I should get out of the relationship- her looks, her nerdiness, etc. But becoming cPTSD informed has taught me that the real underlying reason is my fear of loss, and my fear of my own reaction to a potential loss. The relationship won out because at the end of the day I realized that she was able to love me unconditionally, and that was foundational to the recent cathartic healing sessions I experienced. Now at 51 I'm working to nail down a wedding date with my new fiancee for mid-June.

Another precursor to my recent therapeutic success was locating a therapist who I grew to trust, not because of this therapist's knowledge of cPTSD, but because this therapist trusted my knowledge of myself and what I'd learned about cPTSD in a way that empowered us to experiment with modalities until finding one that worked. Contrast this to most therapists who attempt to shoe-horn your particular situation into their preferred modality whether CBT or some novel, patented somatic therapy. Most therapists will sublimely disempower and belittle you in this manner. My current therapist would not even have to know about cPTSD in order to still fit my definition of a "good enough therapist".

To summarize, a best friend and a "good enough" therapist were the allies I acquired and that were *made possible* first and foremost by becoming thoroughly knowledgable on how cPTSD resulted in my shortcomings, relational deficits, and applying that mindfully to "right-size" my approach to meeting people. Put another way, becoming cPTSD informed, opened up a whole new world of potential social support not available to me previously when all I was searching for was the perfect savior who could meet all my emotional needs.

[Gromit]

Slackjaw99 wow, sorry to interrupt someone else's post but that reply is wonderful, it probably explains why my mother was the way she was with me.

Made by nature, I feel for you, I do. Somehow I do have a spouse, children etc, and my children probably know me best of all. But I still feel alone and isolated. Having a dog has helped me meet people but not support as such. It is something T's ask about, and show concern for, I don't really tell anyone what is in my head, except people like the ones here.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Such a good post made by nature thank you ... your words could so be my words ... I'm trying to figure out at the moment how to motivate myself to keep moving