Maybe I'm just petty and rich after all.

[DecimalRocket]

When I think about my own financial access to things, I just feel like all my trauma is petty. I know there are those with trauma in the wealthy - there was a reddit post that had people from millionaire families who were severely physically, emotionally and sexually abused and neglected but well. . .

I grew up emotionally neglected and isolated. Without directly talking to people, I just made up all kinds of conclusions on the world based on what I saw online. I remember a lot of people portraying the rich as being petty often. I found it strange how other countries, the poor is blamed for not working hard enough. Here in a third world country like this, in tv shows, often they have a rich person being a one dimensional demonized character, and the poor person a main character of resilience, hope and reward.

I remember I made a post on how life was easier for me in a forum, while someone just told me how harder it was for them to live in a life of poverty in response. I said I understood how hard that can be, at least from a spectator's viewpoint, but I just left thinking all my pain about wanting to end my life was just me being crazy.

I remember all the fantasies about ending it I had at that time. So many different ones, it's hard to say them all. I'm not thinking of doing it, but I imagine it, yes.

Maybe my progress isn't my doing. Maybe it's because I can pay all these different therapists and different tutors to help me in school. Maybe it's just because I can pay for so many books to help me gain knowledge about recovery. Maybe it's because all my future college bills are going to be payed by my billionaire grandfather and a trust fund large enough that I'm sure I won't get bankrupt for years. Maybe I'm just lucky.

Maybe I'm just pathetic.

Maybe I deserve my shame, and what it's telling me to do.

[Dee]

Maybe money has nothing to do with it.  What it does afford is the opportunity to get help should you want it.  However, you have to do the work and you own any progress you make.  I don't think you are being petty, I think trauma is trauma.  There is no price tag on a healthy childhood.  You feel the way you do.  There is nothing crazy about that. 

Hollywood has shown us that you cannot buy happiness. 

My children grew up mostly in third world countries overseas and did not experience neglect or isolation.   I could of left them with nanny after nanny, but I chose not to.  I did see it though.  Families that would go on vacation, bring the nanny and never share an experience with them.  I don't know if this is the case, but I did see that.  I felt bad for the kids, to be kept away from their parents and not experience the love of a mom or dad.  Nannies often care, but they can never replace what they didn't get.  Also, they tend to rotate so there are no secure attachments.  Some nannies do look at it as a job as well.

I think you have an opportunity.  Perhaps to use your resources, get you education and turn your experiences into something positive.

You are not pathetic, you are human.  Neglect hurts at any socioeconomic level.

[Elphanigh]

Decimal, I want to echo everything that's Dee had put. I did also want to add in from the perspective of someone that's doesn't financially have much and grew up rather poor. Your trauma and feelings are just as valid as mine. Personally, I am very grateful to know you have access to the resources and are using them to heal. It does not mean your problems or trauma is any less than mine, trauma is trauma no matter what class. It is good to know you are working to heal and using the resources you have, it gives me such hope for you. I adore having you here Decimal, and have never found you petty or pathetic, there is no need for shame here I promise.

Sending hugs if they feel safe 

[Blueberry]

Maybe money has nothing to do with it.  What it does afford is the opportunity to get help should you want it.  However, you have to do the work and you own any progress you make.  I don't think you are being petty, I think trauma is trauma.  There is no price tag on a healthy childhood.  You feel the way you do.  There is nothing crazy about that. 

And you're not crazy! Maybe you're in a bit of an EF rn, so let me remind you how welcome you are on this forum, how welcome you are with all your facts and insights and your ability to make jokes about things sometimes, and it's been said  before: how beyond your years you are. That's not crazy.

I've also had the opportunity to get far more help than many people on this forum, partly because the country I live in covers a lot more than many countries. I've been with my present T for 3 years! Atm I'm down to 3 appointments per quarter, but still this is huge compared to what people get in some countries. Before that and before I could find a local trauma T with whom I could work, I did a lot of retreats with Ts who could work trauma-adaptive, especially IC retreats. Without FOO money, I wouldn't have been able to.

Sometimes I have felt over-privileged about this, but my T says denying myself those retreats is like refusing to eat a nice meal because in other countries people don't have any food. It doesn't help those starving people or myself.

You are not pathetic, you are human.  Neglect hurts at any socioeconomic level.

Idk if this happens to you DR. but it hurts even worse if parents on a higher socioeconomic level deny there could be anything wrong with them, their upbringing of you, your childhood because they are in said level. "Things like that don't happen in good families of xyz class. That just happens in poor, working class families. You are just imagining things as usual. " The denial just compounding the problem which is why some of us think Cumulative would be a better word than Complex. Nor does it help if other people do this kind of comparing.

You certainly don't deserve your shame or anybody else's projected onto you. If you're up to  here are some, if not, you know they're just little smilies moving around on the screen. 

  to protect you.

[sanmagic7]

d.r., i agree with everyone else.  trauma is trauma, and there is no wallet attached.

i, too, am glad for you that you have the financial resources to get the help you need, the education that will benefit you, and the books that have been such a source of comfort.   that's just the best, as far as i'm concerned.  you are kind, caring, growing, learning, and have become such a valuable and valid member of this community that you deserve every source of help you can get. 

i don't see anything pathetic in you, and certainly nothing to be ashamed of.

i loved what blueberry said about denying ourselves, as if it would benefit someone else.  it never does.  i hope you will be able to get to a place where you can just take advantage of your opportunities without guilt or shame and know that you have many people supporting you who are grateful that they're available to you.   

love you, sweetie.  even if you don't see it in yourself, i see the greatness in you growing and building for your future, at your disposal.  warm hug, d.r.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks guys. I'm kind of awkward and shy with emotions right now to say it in detail and respond to each of you one by one, but I'd like to say this all warmed my heart.

After all this, I was thinking about some of the things I read before about the country I live in. There's a really bad problem with money envy here.  Lots of people stay poor because often the ones who gain financial security to better their lives are the ones who get envied and hated.

I knew this in theory, but I didn't really think about how it affected my life personally. I know a lot of things in theory, but not practically sometimes. A bit of a flaw of mine. 

Now that I think about it, many of those in the poorer classes I've been friendly with - servants in the house, employees of my parents, etc. had other people in their lives who were terrible at them for the smaller opportunities to work for us. Often just using what they earn with no help in earning as well, blaming them or envying them.

Well . . . that's sad to think about. Dee was right that people like nannies often rotate for insecure attachments and lots of them were . . . nicer to me than my parents were then.

I'll try not to let the money envy get to me too. Dragging myself down isn't going to make this societal problem better. Boy, this is tougher to realize than when I read it from books, huh?

Sigh, I guess life goes on.

[Elphanigh]

I am glad it helped warm your heart, you deserve that. It is great to hear some positivity in your response, Decimal.

I knew this in theory, but I didn't really think about how it affected my life personally. I know a lot of things in theory, but not practically sometimes. A bit of a flaw of mine. 

I do this too, it is I think just a part of being a human and survivor.

[woodsgnome]

There's lots to unpack as usual in your posts, but I just want to focus on one aspect, the notion that money equates to true wealth.

If the acquisition of goods is the pinnacle of one's desires, then piling up all the money possible seems quite noble. Or does it? Is it just exchanging one form of deity for another? No need for guilt if that's the case, but once one's eyes are opened all that striving for money seems to fall flat. Whereas striving for peace within can pay for itself ten times over.

For me, I see riches in wisdom, which doesn't exclude the financially well off, but doesn't require it, either. Far from it.

But back to you, Decimal Rocket. Your sharings here are filled with wisdom, wit, scholarship, and a deep desire for learning. Even if it takes learning from the rough spots you've encountered, the contradictions, the formidable challenges to building a meaningful life. It's been up and down, sometimes a struggle but often enlightening too.

You have access to money, but not many have the access to the wholeness of body/spirit/mind that you have shown here. The saying is that money doesn't buy everything, and you've shown that in action via your writings here.

So give yourself some credit, too--wisdom has little or nothing to do with financial success, but is its own form of wealth.

[ah]

There's lots to unpack as usual in your posts, but I just want to focus on one aspect, the notion that money equates to true wealth.

If the acquisition of goods is the pinnacle of one's desires, then piling up all the money possible seems quite noble. Or does it? Is it just exchanging one form of deity for another? No need for guilt if that's the case, but once one's eyes are opened all that striving for money seems to fall flat. Whereas striving for peace within can pay for itself ten times over.

For me, I see riches in wisdom, which doesn't exclude the financially well off, but doesn't require it, either. Far from it.

But back to you, Decimal Rocket. Your sharings here are filled with wisdom, wit, scholarship, and a deep desire for learning. Even if it takes learning from the rough spots you've encountered, the contradictions, the formidable challenges to building a meaningful life. It's been up and down, sometimes a struggle but often enlightening too.

You have access to money, but not many have the access to the wholeness of body/spirit/mind that you have shown here. The saying is that money doesn't buy everything, and you've shown that in action via your writings here.

So give yourself some credit, too--wisdom has little or nothing to do with financial success, but is its own form of wealth.

 


I agree with every word of woodsgnome's.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks guys. I guess I really am worth something, and really deserve some credit around this. I feel a little stupid though. Logically, I already knew this, but I still needed some assurance for some reason. I don't know why.

I've done a lot of angering work today around this, and I still feel fired up around it. I'm not used to feeling anger, and I don't know how to accept it. I never realized as a kid the gravity of the situation around those people around me, and thinking of it now is leaving me . . .gloomy. Many of them left a long time ago, but only now do I really feel like I've lost some of the family who replaced my actual parents - if only temporarily.

Sigh.

[woodsgnome]

Decimal Rocket: "I guess I really am worth something, and really deserve some credit around this...Logically, I already knew this..."

Logic doesn't always match up with our actions. Logically, I'm so far past the actual events of my traumas that bother me the most in my life, and done so much work around them, that I should logically be well past them having such an intense hold on me. But nearly every night, it's like they show up in the form of discarnate 'voices' with all the negatives that were used to denigrate me then. It's like being in the middle of a howling mob all hurling taunts at me about my worthlessness, and how I don't deserve, etc.

I've fought against this. Told myself that I accept that it happens, but that didn't relieve it much--the 'voices' seemed like they had a will of their own; and/or were implanted in any thoughts that wander in about then--of course usually about the time I want to sleep. While I still accept that they're a part of my grief process, and do better with my anger response--it's still frustrating and takes a lot out of any patience I have left.

I just hope you can turn a corner on this. It may require a total annihilation, but now you know how persistent it can be, and meanwhile work to lessen its effects and/or grow out of it (just be aware the feelings could try to sneak back in).

Here's to making some progress with the work you're doing; and that this old stuff doesn't interfere with your progress in forging your new way forward.

[sanmagic7]

i'm so familiar with those delayed reactions and emotions, d.r.  sometimes days, sometimes years.  i think the fact that you're realizing them at all speaks volumes about your emotional growth.  you're broadening your worldview, and i don't believe that's ever a bad thing.

yeah, you're worth it, you deserve it, you've earned it.  keep on keepin' on, sweetie.  love and a big hug to you for all your effort with this.   i've noticed how your responses to posts have changed in the past few months - so insightful, so caring, so expressive on a human level.  well done.