Finding a supportive, compassionate partner

Cygnus · March 23, 2018, 02:31:59 PM

Hi, I've heard many times that it's very helpful to have a partner that is supportive and compassionate because we can learn maybe for the first time in our lives what healthy love is like and it's supposed to be very healing for those with CPTSD/DTD. I don't mean depending on someone to fix us, but after we've gone about as far as we can go with our own self-care and compassion.

What are some ideas about finding someone like that? The CPTSD therapists say it's very helpful to have, but as far as finding someone, they just seem to say "if you're lucky enough". But what are some ways to improve our luck? Are there particular place, communities, websites, groups, that might be helpful?

Elphanigh · March 23, 2018, 02:35:59 PM

Honestly, I am not sure if there is a way to improve luck. I do know that it is supposed to be healing for us if in life we do ever get that. Being someone that had that for a small time, it doesdo some good. I find that I didn't truly need it though.

I think personally, you just have to be open to life happening. Sometimes it is your best friend or a random person at the library.

sanmagic7 · March 23, 2018, 03:01:28 PM

i've heard that a supportive relationship can be with anyone, including your t, roommate, friend, partner, whatever - any supportive relationship can help with our healing.

i have 2 in the outside world - my d and my hub (who lives 1000 mi. away) but i have more here on this forum, and those have saved my life at times. i count these cyber relationships as the kind to help with healing cuz i know they've helped me.

i agree with el to be open - they can come at any time from anywhere. it's the kindness that counts, something we usually haven't had very much of in our lives. it helps us know there is such a thing in the world, it helps us learn to trust again, especially trust ourselves, and we learn self-acceptance thru the acceptance of others. it all works together no matter the source.

sending a hug filled with love, compassion, and faith. i have faith you'll find what you need if you stay open to the possibility.

Cygnus · March 23, 2018, 11:55:38 PM

I had a thought maybe find people that understand trauma, how it affects the human nervous system and are willing to work with therapy models in the relationship. Where are people that understand trauma and CPTSD besides randomly finding them?

bhupendra · May 14, 2018, 09:47:31 AM

They are rare. I'd suggest you not to depend on your partner to experience what healthy love or affection is.
Besides people are NOT there to understand our trauma and help us cope. That's even more true of a close relationship like marriage/partnership.
The other person too would have his/her needs, emotions and life before you as he/she would be having with you.

I too agree with el. You can expect them in the most unlikely places. I was working sometime ago. It was a very high activity environment/workplace. You probably won't expect anyone to be kind to a coworker especially if they're working in a high stress environment and have a very high workload, right? Yet the people there were some of the kindest people I have ever come across in my life. The women there, around my M's age, were so kind to me I almost had to hold my tears back. I have never experienced such kindness and empathy earlier in my life. So yes, just be open to life happening.

Rainagain · May 15, 2018, 05:55:25 PM

The most compassionate person I know also has cptsd.

If you suffer enough you get to have compassion I guess?

bhupendra · May 16, 2018, 04:50:17 PM

Quote from: Rainagain on May 15, 2018, 05:55:25 PM
The most compassionate person I know also has cptsd.

If you suffer enough you get to have compassion I guess?

I don't know if that's true. That Suffering leads to compassion. It's got more to do with self-reflection and observation. Still, going by the responses I'm getting in this forum and my own being... Yes, I think people with cPTSD are some of the most compassionate ones. To the point that their level of compassion and empathy can even come off as weird or creepy to the normal folks.

Blueberry · May 16, 2018, 11:56:04 PM

Supportive, round-the-clock partners? Pets.

I'm pet-sitting rn and I notice

bhupendra · May 17, 2018, 06:47:25 AM

Quote from: bhupendra...To the point that their level of compassion and empathy can even come off as weird or creepy to the normal folks.

Sorry. I meant 'our' not 'their'.
Sometimes it's just the way I explain stuff to others. It's just my own shame that I've the sensitivity and empathy which is so uncommon in today's competitive world that most people would never grasp it and see it as something unnormal.
I hope I didn't trigger or demoralize anybody reading the post.

Quote from: blueberry
Supportive, round-the-clock partners? Pets. I'm pet-sitting rn and I notice

Really? You think so? Wait till they evolve one day and can communicate in Human speak.

Sceal · May 28, 2018, 04:04:22 PM

Have you guys heard of Brene Brown? She's a sociologist from Texas who's worked alot on shame and wholehearted living.
She talks about how to be more open and daring to take steps towards more meaningful relationships. Be it romantically or otherwise. To be more connected to other people in our lives. Perhaps you can start with that, listen to her and see if she says something that resonates with you?

I've listend to her tedtalk videos time and time and time again, and I've read a couple of her books. I'm personally quite fond of her and the work she's doing. Her theories are connecting with the core of me - I just have so many walls up that I currently find it difficult to do the work - but one day I'll get there!

woodsgnome · May 28, 2018, 05:08:48 PM

Sceal noted what's the same with me: "I just have so many walls up that I currently find it difficult to do the work - but one day I'll get there!"

I too cycle through the curiosity, enthusiasm, faith that it can be real even for me, until the doubts resurface, grow past fear into familiar self-defeating self-hatred territory, and so much more. When "if only" becomes the only logical future, in rushes more feeling of futility.

I guess then it all boils down again to what's been discussed in this thread--no solid answers, but something feels right about wanting this, indicating it's a need we all share. The dream of "one day" getting there seems closer when even the expectations can be dropped. Sounds contradictory, rings true when reflected on.

It's (sigh) a slog. Personally I've given up, but notice there's still glimmers in the corners of my heart that either encourage me or drop the lid on hope entirely. Neither are opposites, though; they're really a nondual way of saying "just BE".

Thanks for the Brown references, Sceal...next time I watch those presentations I'll try to empty my over-active Outer Critic's negativism. Or try and disbelieve OC's pal Inner Critic, who keeps reminding me that this "sounds good, but I can't get there".

I want to try, but...but...you know...

Rainagain · May 29, 2018, 02:49:23 PM

My view today is that if you have been totally and devastatingly betrayed you try very hard not to do that to others, its so very damaging.

It becomes so hard to trust and so very easy to allow the defensive hind brain to take over when things get difficult.

Then there is the pull in the other direction from isolation, I need company, I fear trusting people, my hind brain wants to intervene and cause trouble, my fore brain wants to cause nobody harm and make connections with others. Its just one big internal struggle, constantly.

What does me in the most is the uncertainty about people. If everyone was either lovely or vile I could manage better, the lovely would be safe to connect to and the vile require and deserve the attention of my hind brain.

Real life is such a muddle, people are mostly like me, they have faults and sometimes make mistakes or act badly.

They don't fit with my black and white view of the world, its exhausting.