Exercise issues coming back

[Dee]

As part of my eating disorder I had huge exercise issues.  By huge, I mean I ran 90 miles a week.  I would work out one to times a day, seven days a week.  As part of recovery I was restricted from exercise and still am.  They want my BMI to be 19 first.  I can do yoga and walk. Last week I joined a gym that has unlimited classes, like yoga.  I feel I need to fill my day more.  And here is the problem, I have not been able to get past the aerobic machines to even get to the class.  The first time I was able to stop at 20 minutes and I was proud of myself.  The very next time it was an hour, even after telling myself only 30 minutes.  The reason it was an hour was because I kept wanting to burn a few more calories.  I can see this turning into 3 hour sessions if I keep letting it go.  I thought of asking someone to come to the gym with me, but the truth is I don't want them seeing my behavior or limiting it.

I suppose I need to tell my therapist, I don't really want to.  I wonder if this started again because of the work we have starting doing.  We having really been going into feelings from the abuse.  Also, because of the difficulty of the work we reduced sessions to every other week instead of weekly. 

Also, this is a struggle that I feel like no one understands, no one.

[Blueberry]

I suppose I need to tell my therapist, I don't really want to. 

I remember you writing months ago about the benefits of being honest to yourself and to your therapist.  I remember how impressed I was at what you thought being dishonest was. So I think you'll have the strength and courage to address this issue at the appropriate time too.

Kudos to being so honest and brave to write this here on the forum, especially your truth "I don't want them seeing my behavior or limiting it".

I have compulsive, addictive behaviour, and an eating disorder and I used to have minor exercise issues of the type I think you mean. They never got extensive because I would collapse, get dizzy and things, but I do remember the compulsion of one more step, turn one more gram of fat into muscle (rather than exercise as a fun thing). 

I have now swung completely the other way, hardly exercise and eat way too much. But I do think I recognise the addiction signs in your post e..g. you're going more into feelings from abuse, you take up an old 'tool' for dealing with feelings. Idk, maybe weekly sessions would be good just to help you stabilise, just to help you with the feelings that are coming up rather than delve further in every single session?

I had a T a long time ago who refused to use sessions for stabilisation, she said I had to go somewhere else for that like 12 step groups once she'd taught me some skills. (Otherwise I was wasting med.ins. money ).  My present T doesn't see it that way. If I'm not doing stabilisation mehtods outside therapy sessions, it's not because I'm 'lazy' or anything like that, it's because there's something lacking. He could ask me what was lacking, but maybe he'd get an answer in 4 months after it had worked its way up from the depths. So he helps me in session when I feel stuck.

If it feels safe and appropriate gentle 

[PeTe]

Though I don't know your struggle, it's obvious from what you write that you're struggling, and I'm sorry to hear that. Three hour sessions every day sounds wrecking, and I can see how this must have had a big place in your life.

Is the reason you don't want to tell your therapist the same as with people you know, that you don't want the T to see or limit your behaviour? You could look at your T as just someone giving advice, not limiting you. It's your choice whether you do what your T recommends or not. Then, perhaps it's easier to talk to him/her?

[Dee]

I did tell her and we came up with a plan.  The plan is to have a friend go with me.  I even went so far as to ask a friend and she agreed, but hasn't done it yet.  In the mean time I can't get out of the gym.  I just need to do it, sounds easy but I feel so good going and when I am driving away I"m thinking about when I can go back and how much more I can do.  I've got to do something as I am once again clinically underweight.  I saw my dietician and she asked what is going on, I told her and proudly told her I have a plan.  The plan hasn't materialized so I just have to be strong and do it on my own, like everything.

[PeTe]

Sorry to hear that you're exercising so much again, and that it's escalating. On the other hand, I think it's great that you told your therapist and that you made a plan together! Even though you haven't gone together yet, the plan is still on. You could tell her how important it is for you that you do this (as you said, it can be hard for others to understand fully, sometimes).

Hope you don't feel all alone with this 

[Elphanigh]

Dee, you are not alone in this struggle i promise. 

I did this in high school and struggled for a bit in high school with it as well. Exercise was definitely a partner in crime with my eating disorder. It took a bad knee injury, and surgery to get me to stop when I was 17. The bad knee honestly helps keep that from coming back full force.

Sending hugs and encouragement. I am so proud of you for facing this head on