never feeling special and never feeling young

[silentrhino]

I was curious if anyone feels the same as me, I have never felt special ever in my life, as in wow you may have some talent in something young man or young, when you start taking care of your parents and siblings before the age of 10 I guess you don't ever get to feel young.  I have been accused of being "too serious" my entire life, always criticized and never celebrated.  When I see pictures of me as a youngster they make me physically ill.  The counselor I'm working with showed me a picture of himself as a youngster and it nearly made me sick, I don't feel I was ever a baby or a child, I just showed up as a 9 year old as caregiver and saviour of the family (that failed of course) pictures of myself as a youngster make me physically ill, I'm now closer to the end of my life than the beginning and wondered if anyone else ever feels this way.

[Elphanigh]

Silentrhino, I am sorry to hear that you experienced that too. I never got to feel like a kid either, just hopped right into helping take care of people and my FOO. It is hard to feel special at that point because the expectations put on us were so large and impossible for any child.

For me this has meant I have a hard time in adulthood accepting that I am talent or special, at this that objectively I probably truly am talented or special at. It has presented one heck of a learning curve for me.

You are not  alone in this I promise. 

[Blueberry]

I was curious if anyone feels the same as me, I have never felt special ever in my life, as in wow you may have some talent in something young man or young,

I certainly never felt special this way because in FOO the 'talents' of my sibs were always in the limelight and being mentioned. I wasn't seen, my potential wasn't seen. And if people in extended FOO weren't going on about how wonderful my sibs were, then likely they were going on about other people: oh, your grandfather was so good at that, your mother was so good at that, the nextdoor neighbour is so good at that 

I agree with Elphanigh, you're not alone in this. The way it was done may differ among us, but results similar. 

[woodsgnome]

I was always regarded as different, my much older b referring to me openly as 'the weird one'. Why this was so puzzled me then, still does (my better days are when I don't think about that, keep it in the 'past life' movie). From my vantage point, it was like coming into the wrong place with the wrong people--meaning they have their niche, but it was all about conformity to some vague uber-conformity I just didn't understand and was beaten down for being 'different' by their terms. And usually too discouraged to try again, setting in a lifetime of little motivation.

I wasn't allowed what I consider my natural youngster status in that environment of constant judgement, disapproval, and finally abandonment to the trash heap for what seemed nothing more than perhaps asking questions, being ill, and perhaps unwanted (the parents were in their 40's when I was born). The f actually showed signs of appreciating that I had unique interests and talents, but he still played the expected adult role of disapproving my overall 'otherness'. In retrospect, I appear quite gifted, but to certain people that's threatening. Even now, when people refer to my talents or gifts, I cringe and wonder when the other shoe will drop.

And so I still feel like what's referred to as childhood and 'normal' development as a youth with the thought of 'what's being young like?' I don't have a handle on it, other than from the vantage point of 'growing up' as a stuffed rag doll.

[DecimalRocket]

I'd be what society would call special, and it doesn't make me happy. When I was younger, I read books of every kind, fiction and non fiction, several levels above my age. People would often praise my intelligence, and tell me that I'll change the world someday.

But all that left a pressure to succeed. People said less that they cared for me for what I am, and more on what I could do. I'd do and still can do things brilliantly, but I feel like all my achievements could fall down. People payed too little attention to my own hurting heart than my own mind, and that payed the price with trauma.

They didn't know the difference between superintelligence and perfection. They didn't know that constantly placing expectations on my own natural skills than my own effort would affect me. They didn't know that I'd feel absolutely petty and ungrateful that even with all this, I still felt hurt and feel like a fraud.

I didn't wish to be special. I wanted to be normal.

Maybe what we need is not to be special, but to belong.

[Elphanigh]

Decimal, you just described my childhood and even some of my current adult life. I could have never put words to it like you just did. All of that just reverberated with a resounding me too.

Thank you for sharing that, I needed to hear it put that way. I have written before about how people thay knew about my trauma devided nit to help or change things because my intellect and what I could do for everyone else would have been at risk. I wasn't saved because it would have ruined how special they found me. This has shapped so much of how I view myself and my own ability to do things in my adult life. It was really damaging to have all of that put on me from so young.

Sending you hugs if that is okay 

[DecimalRocket]

No problem, Elpha. I learned it was a common problem around the really smart from The Rainforest Mind blog. Strange how this happens.    back to you.

..

I also took myself too seriously for too long. I didn't come off as that serious in the outside though. I wanted to hide that side of me, and while I genuinely enjoyed humor at times (It often made up for my lack in other social skills.), I wasn't really that way all the time. I was emotionally neglected, and over time, I held a seriousness in life as I often had to rely on myself all the time. Barely anyone really asked me if I had problems in my life that needed help, and when the few people who did came, I already held this idea that I could only rely on myself. So I refused their help.

In a way, it became an odd cycle. When people said they could help, I distrusted them and grew distant. I kept secrets in a way that made it easy to misunderstand me, and I grew even more distant. I guess my seriousness comes in how much effort it took to figure out many of the life skills I needed myself. People here say I'm wise beyond my years, and that's because of all the books and articles I read during those lonely years.

Somewhere I knew I wanted to learn. Not out of the need to survive fear or gain the little attention people give to me. I followed what I wanted for the first time when I just learned for learning's sake.

Sometimes when people pass me by as I enjoy pondering, reading or writing alone, people would ask me if I was just chilling. I'd say yes, and they'd say it was pretty cool. Is this my school's version of asking how are you or something?

My therapist asked me what was my purpose in life. I told her it's to chill-chill in learning and sharing what I learned.

"So you want to chillax?"

"No, it's to chill-chill."

[Rainydaze]

I was curious if anyone feels the same as me, I have never felt special ever in my life, as in wow you may have some talent in something young man or young, when you start taking care of your parents and siblings before the age of 10 I guess you don't ever get to feel young.  I have been accused of being "too serious" my entire life, always criticized and never celebrated.  When I see pictures of me as a youngster they make me physically ill.  The counselor I'm working with showed me a picture of himself as a youngster and it nearly made me sick, I don't feel I was ever a baby or a child, I just showed up as a 9 year old as caregiver and saviour of the family (that failed of course) pictures of myself as a youngster make me physically ill, I'm now closer to the end of my life than the beginning and wondered if anyone else ever feels this way.

It's unfair to have had your childhood taken away like that, sounds like you had a lot heaped on your young shoulders. I have always been called "too serious" too, particularly as a child. In photos I was also straight faced and looked unhappy. I was very bookish and academic as a child and this was acknowledged by my mother and teachers, however I always felt like I was only celebrated for achievements rather than for just being me. It was always about what I could do rather than who I was. As a very young child I remember being very lonely and isolated and I think was ignored more than I deserved.

Being the "caregiver and saviour of the family" at only 9 years old is far too much for a child to have to cope with. It should have been the other way around with your caregivers nurturing and looking after you. I'm so sorry you went through all that, silentrhino.

[Elphanigh]

Thanks Decimal. It is an all too common thing. I might go check that blog out for curiosities sake

[Resca]

Hi Silentrhino,

I just want to echo Blues in saying that you deserved so much better from your childhood. Nine is far too young for adult responsibilities, let alone taking on the role of caregiver for anyone. You can barely take care of yourself at that age. I am so, so sorry that such pressure was put on you. And I don't think it's surprising that you would react to physical mementos of that time in your life - and even before - so powerfully. Something in you knows how wrong it was and rejects that; it sounds to me like a gut reaction to protect yourself, maybe? From having to relive that pain.

I also want you to know that you're not alone. I have also never felt that sort of pride in myself for any special skills or talent. Everything I do is either normal or subnormal and when others point out my skills, I assume they're just being flattering. I don't even think I've ever even tried to build talents, probably because I'm so "sure" I wouldn't be successful. I think it's hard to invest that much in yourself when you have to invest so much in everyone else. That love and careful attention and support that it takes to foster and celebrate growth.

I remember watching a Ted Talk with Dr David Burns once that dealt with this. He's the guy who popularized CBT as a method for coping with depression and PTSD. It's not much but maybe his example will help a bit. I hope so.

[silentrhino]

Thank you all for your responses, when I was young, perhaps 8 or so I took an IQ test and some kind of academic achievement test which would have put me several years ahead in school then my age.  I distinctly remember the tester being shocked at my results and talking about speaking to my parents to which I completely had a meltdown and begged him not to.   I was already being accused of being some sort of "too serious" freak and this had me all out of sorts and scared that there was something wrong with me. Instead I was put in gifted classes to which I responded by  pretending not to understand anything, mostly because I hated my classmates and myself and did not want to stand out in any way.  One could say I got a fine head start in self sabotage when my intellect was discovered (please do not think I'm bragging, I find the whole episode quite sickening actually)

[Elphanigh]

I don't think you are bragging at all. Actually, I remember doing similar things to hide my intelligence when I was younger. It is something I grew out of, but I know don't see my intelligence as much of anything special because for so long I just wanted to be normal.

[Estella]

  silentrhino

decimal

Your past has shaped you and you are both talented, strong and unique. I'm sorry if you feel, like I often do about myself, that being "different" means you don't belong. You do belong and your stories of overcoming these challenges will inspire others.

I hope that we can all step away from labels and caring so much as how we are defined from others (so often  judgemental) perspectives. We still have a lot of enriching experiences to give and receive from the world 

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks Estella. 

silentrhino, it's common for really intelligent people who feel like they're bragging when they're being themselves.

I remember a forum where I saw mother complaining of how other parents "brag" about their kids achievements, but another parent stepped in to say something different. When other less smart kids talk about what they enjoy doing, they're "sharing their hobbies". When really smart kids do, "they're bragging,"

Imagine the child never being able to share what she loved to discuss. Imagine no one ever praising her or encouraging her for what she can do because she's "bragging".

That's unfair to grow up with, isn't it?

[Resca]

@DecimalRocket That's an unfortunate but completely believable paradigm for how people react to innate talents. It almost sounds like a way for those less talented in that area to protect their pride (or their children's pride); stifle a talented person enough, and their talents are no longer a threat. And I'm sure that biases and prejudices have a part to play, as well.

I've seen this happen frequently in competitive, toxic workplaces but it's tragic to think of it happening to children who are less in control of the emotional and psychological fallout. Childhood is such a prime moment to hone and develop identity. For a child to have that opportunity squashed just because someone is uncomfortable with his or her unique strengths is horrible. Knowing that it happened to you, to silentrhino, and to me is somehow even worse.

Let's hope that framing it in these terms - as an act of pride against us rather than something that's our fault - can help us better understand why we are they way we are and make change, if we see fit. I wish you all the best.