I wish I was perfect.

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DecimalRocket

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I wish I was perfect.
« on: March 25, 2018, 08:44:50 AM »
I donít know why. I just feel empty all of a sudden.

At some level, Iíve often been dissociated from my own life. I often would imagine a much more exciting life, where Iím much better than the person I am in real life.

But as I open up to people, I focus less on my daydreams and more on my real self. It can be deeply healing, but itís also . . . disappointing. I guess Iím realizing more in detail that I can never achieve perfection.

I lack confidence. I can get too shy and boring. I can overthink and overprepare. I canít be assertive sometimes, and when I do, I get short tempered. I whine too much here.

I keep secrets too much in a way that makes people misunderstand me. I need assurance. I can do things brilliantly, but sometimes forget to do it in the first place. My fine motor skills can be terrible, and much more.

Maybe I deserve to be abandoned.

Sigh.
« Last Edit: March 25, 2018, 09:14:45 AM by DecimalRocket »

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Hope67

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Re: I wish I was perfect.
« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2018, 09:40:07 AM »
Hi Decimal Rocket,
I think it's a very strong pressure to try to achieve something called 'perfection' - and I wonder what that means anyway, i.e. is anything actually perfect?  Everything can be appreciated and enjoyed - no matter how it is aesthetically or how it looks/is. 

You are 'human' Decimal Rocket - I hope you don't mind my saying that - because being human means we have limitations - but those are accepted by people who care about us, and those who don't care about us can sometimes judge us on them.  So I say, remember that you are appreciated in this forum - I appreciate the fact you're here, and I have enjoyed your replies and been helped by things you've said.

I am a bit 'triggered' today - so I am actually happy that I am able to write something to you - because just doing that is helping me to feel a bit better - and I very much hope that you will also be able to acknowledge all parts of yourself and be ok with them. 

I'm sorry if what I've said doesn't make sense - I feel as if I'm 'jumbled' but I can see I've written a few things.

Hug to you, Decimal Rocket  :hug: if that's ok.

Hope  :)

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Rainagain

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Re: I wish I was perfect.
« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2018, 10:34:16 AM »
Hey
I think we can all notice our faults more than the good stuff about ourselves.

Its part of cptsd to feel of less worth than others, to be shamed and self critical.

Cptsd gives us an overly negative biased view of ourselves, part of coping is keeping that awareness.

You are worth far more than the doubt let's you believe, keep that in mind.

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Deep Blue

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Re: I wish I was perfect.
« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2018, 12:21:51 PM »
Decimal rocket,
I always thought perfect was boring.  Itís too cookie cutter and fake to me.  I love that we are human and itís ok if we make mistakes. Nobody deserves to be abandoned. No one deserves abuse.  I do not find you whiny at all on this forum.  You have helped me and I have not even been a part of it that long.  :grouphug:  we care about you

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Blueberry

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Re: I wish I was perfect.
« Reply #4 on: March 25, 2018, 03:08:09 PM »
DR, it sounds to me as if you might be in a bit of an EF. Could that be?

I think just yesterday you posted to someone on here that we're all welcome, with all our flaws. Becaause humans aren't perfect. The same goes for you!  :hug: if you're up to it today. If not, cute little bpicture on screen  ;)

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Shankara

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Re: I wish I was perfect.
« Reply #5 on: March 25, 2018, 03:12:58 PM »
@DecimalRocket

If you could take a magnifying glas to see that the highly selfcritical, selfdenying, selfabandoning thought structures are developed while experiencing trauma to somehow survive in a reality that is not tolerable. There is this book from joan didon which point it out well:  " We tell ourselves stories in order to live".

These are coping mechanisms from a self/ emotional state that is yet fragmented and needs to be integrated. Maybe while being in that Dialog finding out what this thought process is wanting to get? If you keep that dialog, asking/ feeling... you will see that it has an interest.






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sanmagic7

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Re: I wish I was perfect.
« Reply #6 on: March 25, 2018, 06:39:13 PM »
i was in that perfection mode for a long time, and i even explained away any flaws i saw as being perfectly flawed to keep me from being boring.   when i started coming off that pedestal, it was terribly painful, horrible to contemplate, and i hated not being perfect in my eyes anymore.

i'm glad you're not perfect - i think you're very interesting just the way you are.  if you were perfect, we'd never have met you, and what a delight we'd have missed.

hang tough, sweetie - you're going thru transition after transition, and they all take time and patience with ourselves.  i wish you could see yourself as i see you - you'd see what a lovely being you are, flaws and everything.  love and a warm, glad-you're-alive hug.

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: I wish I was perfect.
« Reply #7 on: March 25, 2018, 07:04:18 PM »
Decimal it may help you to look over Pete walkers Ďthe inner criticí. It has helped me to be kinder and develop some compassion and love for myself inspite of my limitations. We are not our limitations, I am working on not allowing them to dictate to me. For me I know that my low self worth can play out in how Iím not Ďgood enoughí in skills and functions in life but i am learning that these things do not really build my self worth. What does is being able to talk to myself kindly and gently, be my own best friend, accept myself instead of beat myself. It takes consistent practice but I am starting to feel some results and this is coming from someone who is a severe self beater.
You deserve your love my dear.
Cptsd limits us but cptsd is not who we really are

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artemis23

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Re: I wish I was perfect.
« Reply #8 on: March 25, 2018, 07:29:44 PM »
I donít know why. I just feel empty all of a sudden.
...
Maybe I deserve to be abandoned.

This is just my limited perspective, of course, but what I see is that you feel you deserve to be abandoned because you have CPTSD. Nearly all the 'flaws' you describe represent pretty clear symptoms and effects of trauma. They say nothing about your actual character, which I have seen come through in your beautiful, eloquent, compassionate, and kind posts and responses here for some time.

Not to say, of course, that these aren't difficult things and painful things to recognize and see about ourselves. I can totally relate to that. In the trauma I survived I was made to feel incompetent for having these symptoms of abuse...by the people abusing me. Pretty convenient for them when I started beating myself up for them about it all. I do this off and on too. I have too, recently started to recognize how the CPTSD and trauma have shaped my life, my self even, and how much I really struggle with these symptoms and I've been feeling quite hopeless about it too. I think it's important to grieve about it however you need to and feel whatever you feel.

The perfection trap, omg what a nightmare it really is. I felt/still sometimes get stuck feeling if I can't achieve it how can I survive or even go on. It's a coping mechanism.

I'm so sorry you are feeling like you deserve to be abandoned, that sounds really really painful love. I find I often feel this way and abandon myself. How can you be there for you right now? If not, we are here.

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DecimalRocket

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Re: I wish I was perfect.
« Reply #9 on: March 26, 2018, 08:30:55 AM »
Hey, thanks for all that. It made me feel better.

Iím not in one my emotionally expressive moods now, and affection feels a little . . . weird to say much here. I started the day deeply anxious, but at the end of it, I feel calm.

See you.
« Last Edit: March 26, 2018, 10:44:46 AM by DecimalRocket »

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DecimalRocket

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Re: I wish I was perfect.
« Reply #10 on: March 29, 2018, 04:02:36 AM »
Hey guys, I'm wondering. How much support can I ask for? I don't have an idea what normal boundaries are in relationships. For me, asking for the slightest bit attention and support feels like I'm asking far too much. So sometimes I get distant like the last post I had on this thread, and I feel bad for posting more threads about myself lately.

Maybe I don't know how bad it is (as other people say it is), because I don't know how good it is. How good is it to have a normal amount of emotional support? How good is it to ask for what I need? How important is it to reach out when I need help?

I don't know. With a life of little emotional support, the trust and support I'm earning along the way seems like a miracle. If my belief to be abandoned is terrible here, then I don't know what good is. I don't know what normal is.

I don't know.
« Last Edit: March 29, 2018, 04:05:17 AM by DecimalRocket »

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Sceal

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Re: I wish I was perfect.
« Reply #11 on: March 29, 2018, 08:02:34 AM »
Hi Rocket.

This is an incredible difficult question to ask. I struggle with it too.
I think all in all it depends. It depends on the relationship you have with the person or group in question. If it is a close relationship, it's okay to ask for more. But we have to remember that when we ask for something, we have to accept that there might be a no. And we have to respect that. I find that the hardest part, asking for support and love and then be told no. Because I don't know if I've overreached, if i'm bothersome or if it simply has nothing to do with me at all. Perhaps that other person also require support and arent' able to give some themselves. And I get scared I've pushed someone's boundaries, when I know how painful that can be.

We all want to be loved, respected and validated, Rocket. It's natural, and it is good. It is important, very important, that you reach out when you need help. Because we are social animals. We need others to grow, we need others to survive. We need others to thrive. And if you need help and don't tell anyone - no one will be in a position to offer up help.  :hug:


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DecimalRocket

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Re: I wish I was perfect.
« Reply #12 on: March 30, 2018, 02:40:37 AM »
Nice to see you relate, Sceal. Thanks for the advice. I'm also hypersensitive to pushing someone's boundaries, because I often didn't make a good job of communicating mine growing up. What if the people I'm asking are the same?

I can't seem to take my situation fairly seriously. Maybe if I told people the exceptions, they'd change their mind about me. Maybe i'll sound more petty if I told you about there being at least a little support, a little amount of hope, a little amount of coping skills back then, and more. Other people repeat the cycle of abuse by attracting abusers, but I repeat the cycle of neglect.

 In my early years, I attracted bullies, but later on I attracted people who cared. I could have trusted them. I could have accepted their help. I could have told them what secrets I held. But I couldn't. I didn't communicate my needs, and so they didn't know I had them, and when I said I couldn't do something without telling why it's misunderstood as laziness and immaturity.

It seemed to be all my fault, and this cycle didn't seem that serious compared to people who cycled through abusers. All these years I could have talked to someone earlier.

Sorry I keep asking for affirmation and repeating the same things over and over. I can't seem to get out of it and just move on.
« Last Edit: March 30, 2018, 06:19:49 AM by DecimalRocket »

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Blueberry

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Re: I wish I was perfect.
« Reply #13 on: March 30, 2018, 05:33:08 PM »
DR, I don't know. I don't even know for myself. Just recently, like yesterday, I thought to myself that I'm posting way too much on here about myself. When I post, I hope for some recognition - you know, that somebody reads or maybe leaves a comment or a hug or a perspective. Doesn't always happen. Could be a sign I'm posting too much, expecting too much. Could also be a sign that nobody else on the forum has the emotional energy for me and my posts, but doesn't necessarily mean anything bad about me. Just that the others on the forum are doing their thing, concentrating on their own healing.

I also worry about pushing somebody's boundaries too much but am learning that it is actually their job to look after their own boundaries. It's their job to say 'No'. It's not my job to constantly be on the lookout for other people's boundaries. I tend to be really careful about friends eg. but have been noticing in the last months that that is not always reciprocated. Some take it for granted that I look out for their boundaries while they 'don't notice' mine. "Oh really? I never knew before that that triggered you!" (I've only told you 3 times already, but of course you couldn't have known, even tho you have CPTSD yourself.) btw I think there's far more mutual looking-out on here, but this forum isn't the real world.

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artemis23

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Re: I wish I was perfect.
« Reply #14 on: March 30, 2018, 09:56:25 PM »
DR, I have all these thoughts and worries too. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting, the ways which we were trained to question everything we do and how we carry this on and on for our abusers. Hyperaware of every step we take (or don't take). I think it comes from how we survived, but it's good you are bringing it up. Sometimes too, I feel like I make an extra huge effort to be considerate or whatever because to not be makes me like 'them', like the malignant narcs who abused me. Lately though, I'm starting to realize there is a healthy amount of self interest necessary to function and survive. I'm learning not to feel so bad about it.

I am one who repeated abuse trauma over and over, but what you said about carrying it on via neglect was very profound, and hit home too. I now see that I bounce between the two states where I am in a crap relationship, then I'm out and I isolate and neglect myself. And regardless, we all do the neglect thing to one degree or the next and it's really important to acknowledge it. ie. I've been eating tons and tons of sugar, and last night I just felt like, ok I don't have to keep hurting myself like this. It's fine to eat sugar, or eat emotionally, but I can feed myself vegetables. I need them. Or I was even feeling like i was having a good day and something in me questioned it like, is this allowed? Am I allowed to feel good? I'm supposed to be sick and unhappy all the time, right?  :stars:

It's also fine to reach out for help, but it's not easy. It means exposing our raw and vulnerable feelings and selves to others, not knowing if or how they will react or respond. It means coming out of our shell of isolation, whether surrounded by others or not, and interacting with the world. That can be really scary for us all. I think I live in some sort of bubble where I always feel a disconnect. Part of that is self protective. And this site, in all it's glory, means you generally get quite an amazing response, or a multitude, to most posts, and these can really be overwhelming. I usually cry and have to put off responding for a bit. Because I've been seen, heard, acknowledged, people deeply care and took time to say something kind and informed and compassionate. I'm not used to that, neither is my wiring! My wiring expects to be ignored, ridiculed, abused, chastised, and made to feel like everything is my fault and I'm just complaining, ad infinitum....It challenges all the crap in my head that says I'm bad and unworthy. It also challenges my avoidant personality, where I just shut down and keep everything inside and stop engaging. Good group work is deep healing work, it's meant to challenge us. So take it in at your own pace, you don't have to respond, or right away. I try to say thank you and sometimes there's more, but I don't think most of us are here writing to each other for our own ego's sake hehe.