Breakthrough & How to live 'normal' life?!

[artemis23]

So i'm feeling like I'm really seeing how I get re-victimized. Yeah, I understand a lot about abuse trauma and the personality types who perpetuate it. I'm not saying in any way it's my fault they did what they did to me. But this last relationship really broke down all my walls. It was the first time I ever, ever let anyone get that close to me. That I ever let anyone in like that. I have been in a prison cell of isolation my whole life, terrified of the world. I have been in many abusive relationships with psychopaths, in particular. But this one was so intense. It was the most traumatic in so many ways and also the most painful emotionally. I really thought he loved me. I feel like I'm finally having some insights on my core vulnerabilities that unfortunately have made me a target for these types.

I guess what I see in myself is that I have this pervasive sense of emptiness, it's more than the loneliness. I feel like I don't have an identity without being attached to someone who I sacrifice myself completely to, someone who I give everything to, who takes everything away and treats me like I'm never enough. That seems to be my subconscious belief of what 'love is'. And I knew he was a malignant narcissist and I was drawn to him anyways. That was different this time and really bizarre, I couldn't stop myself in some sense. I got away from him for six months had a breakdown and went back and it was an absolute nightmare. I was out of my mind when I returned. Almost dying in a foreign county triggered an epic dissociative episode and that's where I ended up. I had tried to create this business and the stress of it nearly killed me.

The emptiness goes further to the feeling that I don't exist if a) I'm not saving someone or b) I'm not being traumatized. I've bounced back and forth between these two roles with various toxic types, they are all takers and exploiters and none of them ever really cared about me.

I also tried to make a career out of helping people with trauma and I probably still could, but I'm starting to think that's not a good idea. I'm not mentally healthy right now and it will always be triggering. But it's really hard for me to let this go. I feel like it's my life purpose, but now I'm wondering if that's just because I don't actually know how to live a "normal" life. Like, abuse and other trauma are my normal since I was in utero. It's like my identity is trauma and when I let that go I am empty and end up consuming other people's trauma. By that I mean helping DV victims or binge watching too much TV/movies.

I don't feel like I know how to just be a human. I was reading about dissociative disorders and I definitely suffer from dissociative amnesia and also the depersonalization/derealization as well. It doesn't feel like anything is 'real'. Or more like I live in a different space of reality from the rest of the world. And I just kind of gathered that doesn't apply to other people with trauma. That's all I can really relate to. Then I feel engaged and connected and like I can do something/be somebody. It's like nothing else feels possible. As though I'm stuck in this endless trauma loop since childhood.

I found myself being terrified of him coming to get me, he did make threats, but what's really making me see my own disfunction is that it's almost exciting. I was like excited that he was going to come and kill me. Like I'm bored and listless without death threats and psychopathic abuse. This is hard to admit. Because I really don't enjoy being abused, but something in me craves the insanity. When it happens I hate it, I'm terrified, I feel trapped and it's horrible, obviously. But I wonder if I am actually chemically dependent on the adrenaline and stress hormones, in the same way I feel compelled to care take as a survival mechanism.

I only really saw this the last year or so and it's been very confusing to watch myself and have the awareness of things that were totally subconscious before, even if I couldn't stop myself from acting and seeking out these dangerous people and situations. That's the rub: I still couldn't stop myself and it allowed him to trap me further because he knew this and used it to blame me for what he did, and it led me to really blame myself and stay stuck. And it's tough to write about here.

So my whole identity at this point is being shattered. I'm not sure who I am. I mean, I'm not sure what my purpose is if I get to reinvent myself and just live. If It's not complete self sacrifice to other people in some way.

Who am I without being a victim of abuse? I'm baffled.

So I guess I give up the work I was doing, I mean at this point it's not healthy for me, but this isn't going to be so easy. Because I have no idea what else to do. What kind of regular type job should I get? I get bored so easily. I'm not sure I'm ready to work yet with as I'm still dealing with this nervous breakdown but I'm wondering has anyone ever felt this way? Like you don't know who you are without trauma or being a rescuer or victim? If so, what did you do? How did you begin to really start living. 

[artemis23]

Something else I noticed about my pattern is that when I'm with an abuser I am able to stay so dissociated that I don't really feel pain for quite sometime until they ramp up the abuse to intolerable levels and it breaks through. Then I leave and I'm in that depressive state where I am doing other things to avoid the ptsd symptoms. Like being with people who hurt me allows for this insulating period of regression where I'm back in the fire so to speak, and perhaps it's like all the symptoms and feelings make sense in that context, as they make so much less sense when I'm alone in my house for months on end isolated and they are there anyways...

[Resca]

Hi Artemis,

First, I want you to know that you're not alone. I've also - almost willingly - allowed myself to be re-victimized for many of the same reasons you mention. It sometimes feels like there's no comfortable middle ground between being needed and being rejected; no sense of movement if it isn't up or down; no sense of self without something to relate to. It's kind of like that saying "You can't know light without darkness." Well, these days I'm wishing more to know the twilight than anything else, just to get a breath of calm. But it doesn't seem like my choice. Just as you said, there's just this emptiness that others fill with whatever light or darkness they bring to the table, and something about being full feels just so much more....alive? Just writing it feels ridiculous because I know how unhealthy it sounds but it's true. You would know, right?

I've been on the tail end of this conversation enough to know that nothing I can say will make this feeling easier, but I at least want you to know that it's not crazy or abnormal. It's a natural result of what happened to you. There's only so much of yourself to give and when you've been trained from a young age and/or by powerful people to give it all for others, there's nothing left for you. It's a habit, maybe even an addiction. And I hope you feel proud for at least trying to leverage that habit for the good of others in helping them through their trauma.

One of my therapists recently turned me on to this books about codependency by Melanie Beattie. I haven't read them yet so I don't know if it would be of any help, but the premise sounds about right: not having a self without someone else, giving yourself only in the service of others, letting yourself be beat down because it's all you know. It might be worth looking into. Anyway, know that you are loved and supported here And thank you for your bravery in sharing.

[artemis23]

Resca- thanks, yeah that's a good point. Somehow I wasn't connecting that others fill that emptiness with whatever it is they bring. Of course! Distraction from my self and pain mainly, at least for awhile...then it gets out of hand. Or feeling like I don't want to have a self, it's not safe, maybe I can disappear  in this massive narcissistic ego...oops wrong choice!  Totally agree it's learned response or behavior from trauma conditioning/grooming by my parents. I'm just trying to move on to how do I beat this. How do I stop letting them in? It's super weird to now see myself in the states where I am endangering myself like it's normal. Oh but yeah, it is/was my normal forever and ever. This last one was the most dangerous and chaotic of all, it's a miracle, or several actually, that I'm still alive after the past year I survived so many things, him included among them.

I have The Language of Letting go which is the daily affirmations one, it's fantastic. I use is most mornings but I've been kind of strung out on dissociation lately and having trouble remembering such things.

[Resca]

My therapist can take all the credit for that "good point," haha. She's done more for me than I can say.

I totally get that feeling of wanting to just vanish into the other person. It seems so much easier sometimes. You just let the more assertive (read here: aggressive) person take the reins and suddenly you don't have to work so hard to stay afloat. But I think there's an incredible benefit to fighting back. It's an opportunity to fill that empty space with what you choose instead of what someone else chooses for you. On my better days, it kind of sounds like an adventure. "Finding myself" or something sappy like that.

That same therapist told me that step 1 is creating more firm boundaries. Giving my self a chance to "air out" so to speak and get rid of all the otherness that's been coating it lately. It feels like getting rid of a bad habit. And it makes me feel slower than normal because I have to consciously take a breath before responding to anything and ask "But what do I really want to do/say/feel/whatever?" I think it's going to be worth it though. And I hope that whatever you decide to do is worth it for you too <3

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, I'm glad you and Resca can relate to each other.

I relate to not being able to be "normal" either. It's hard to recover when I don't even have a sense of what normal is sometimes. My understanding of boundaries are wonky. My understanding of what's abuse or what's my fault is in a mess. It's really strange. When we try to change, often the first thing we need to do is have a picture of what we want to become in our mind, and to have trouble with even that is worrying.

Yes, I find it a miracle that you're here too. I hope you can recognize that well, and if you can't, that's okay too. It takes time.

Well, take care, Artemis. 

[artemis23]

Thanks rocket,

I was thinking about what normal meant to me, and I think I just mean functional. Able to have a job and keep it, able to take care of myself, able to live on my own, able to have relationships with healthy people and better boundaries (actually I've done a lot of work on this part and am getting better, although isolated now). Maybe I should say 'independent' instead. These are long term goals but some days they feel like I will never attain them. I know I'll never be like some kind of image I have in my mind of untraumatized people, or people who got through trauma and didn't develop CPTSD, or just had a lot less of it and were able to heal more quickly perhaps. I imagine them with careers and mortgates and families and that seems really unlikely for me at this point. Obviously this issue is me judging myself and comparing myself to hypothetical 'others'. I'm not too hung up on it.

Trying to accept that life right now is my normal and just keep calm as I can.

[sanmagic7]

artemis, i think your realizations are a big first step to getting to where you want to go.  i've read articles about how traumatization speaks on a cellular level - our cells have receptors that want to be fed what we've been used to and have gotten comfortable with.  the more trauma, the more of these 'neg.' receptors have been developed.

so, to turn this around, it's important to begin building pos. receptors on our cells, and to know that when we want to get into an abusive relationship of any kind, get that 'craving' for abuse, look forward to that adrenaline rush,  it's those neg. receptors that are calling those shots.   the less we give in to them, the more pos. receptors are being built.

that's why it seems like we're drawn to abuse outside of our conscious will.  we are.  reading those affirmations are a way to build more pos. receptors.  allowing people in on this forum to give you support and kindness is another way.  continuing to look for and become involved  with more positive people.  that feeling of boredom, is, i believe, because many of us have become adrenaline junkies.  that's not our fault, but what our system got used to from our past.

so, as other people have posted, mindfulness, determination, and perseverance will help you get where you want to go.  it's do-able.  along the way, you will also discover your true self, find a new 'normal' that suits you, and more easily be able to recognize and stay away from abusers.  at least, this is what i believe from what i've learned.

i hope you have patience with yourself (yeah, patience is one of the most difficult to achieve when our adrenaline wants to be turned on), keep taking care of yourself as best you can, and know that we're here with you as you keep moving.  it won't come all at once, it's easy to slip back to victimization ways, but i also believe that these will get to be shorter episodes that happen less and less often.

thanks for sharing.  hope you can accept a hug full of love, caring, and kindness.  you deserve it all.

[Resca]

Do you have references for those articles sanmagic?? I'd love to read them. They sound both fascinating and validating.

How are you doing today, Artemis? I know that feeling of being so far distant from normal, and it's challenging. It feels like it comes in waves. Some days you accomplish all your goals by sheer force of will and others days, it's like you have no idea how you got where you are or why you're staying there. It's alienating. I just want to remind you that you aren't alone

[sanmagic7]

i'm really sorry, resca, but i do not have any links to those articles.  i found them when i was researching narcissistic abuse, i think, which was several years ago now.  i was just reading everything i could get my hands on about it, and this was something that was in the mix.

it made a lot of sense to me, too, tho, and i've found that the more i work at accepting positives in my life, from people here, thru affirmations, thru people i know, the less i've been drawn to the neg. world and relationships in which i used to find myself all the time.  the realizations of what pos. and neg. interactions look like, boundaries, assertiveness - all that good stuff became easier and easier.  that's what makes me believe what i read. 

love and a warm, caring hug to you. 

[Resca]

And to you