Hi! I'm Anamiame

[Anamiame]

I'm looking for a support board to talk about my issues with.  No one in my 'real' life knows how much I have been suffering lately.  Let me explain a little. 

I was horribly abused as a child by my mother...everything from sexual abuse to trying to kill me on four separate occasions.  I was fortunate to be removed from her at the age of 14 when my father got full custody and discretion as to whether I saw her or not during their divorce.  That was 40 years ago.  I've seen her 7 times since then.  8 if you count my seeing her at the funeral home. 

I worked for 30 years on such issues and came to a pretty great place about ten years ago.  I've been happy, functional and really extremely well adjusted.  I really felt that I had worked through those issues successfully and had moved on with my life--a really wonderful life at that. 

Then she died. 

I thought her death would be sad--sad that she missed out on so very much in life.  I thought that it would be the final resolution to our relationship. 

Not. 

Instead, I learned something that even as a therapist, I did not know.  When someone you love dies, the relationship ends and you grieve the loss of that relationship.  But, when your tormentor dies, the relationship doesn't die, the torment continues.  It's an everlasting gift they give you. 

I went back into therapy after her death, however, there were so many other issues that I needed to deal with as well--being chronically ill and being found permanently/totally disabled and yet, disability being unwilling to pay; son totalling my new car and the insurance declining the claim...etc. 

I've known and used dissociation to my benefit for years.  I have severe Lupus that is complicated.  I can turn off pain by dissociating.  So, I don't really want to lose that ability.  I guess it was surfacing more in therapy and I started to take a look at my issues again. 

As time has gone on in therapy, it's become more and more evident that this really is an issue and more memories began to surface.  My view over the past ten years has simply been, "I know it happened, specific memories are not important because I've dealt with the underlying issues." 

In therapy before, I was too needy; too anxious; too dependent.  I had to make sure that I was safe and because I know the field so well and am quite intelligent, I could play mind games with them where I would always win and they would end up terminating the relationship.  Ultimately, they proved my point, they were not strong or smart enough to truly help me.  I was labeled Borderline, but honestly, it never fully fit.  CPTSD always has.  Anyway, whenever I would be vulnerable, it's like I would get my hand slapped and get deeply hurt...always coming back to the same thing:  "You stupid idiot!  What the * did you THINK would happen!  Never trust ANYONE to be there for you, NEVER!" 

I've been with my same counselor for 12 years now.  In 2005, something happened and this same pattern played out.  I left therapy, however, my children had a relationship with her (due to physical abuse by their father).  I vowed then to never enter therapy again--counseling would be fine, but not therapy. 

What's the difference?  Counseling is situational issues like how to deal with aspects of work, or issues with kids, or the death of your mother.  Therapy is getting down into the mire that is my soul and trying to sort through the unspeakable traumas that exist inside this hellish soul that is me. 

I wrote her a letter back then and vowed I would NEVER EVER EVER do therapy again.  I came to terms with the fact that I could help others; but no one could help me.  And I moved on. 

And here I am now.  In my mind I'm banging my head against a brick wall yelling at myself inside, "You STUPID FUCKIN' IDIOT!!! WHAT THE * WERE YOU THINKING??!!!!" 

She didn't leave.  I knew the script.  I knew how to play the game; but she's not playing the game the right way.  And I'm stuck.  I don't know what to do or how to react. 

We've talked about the dissociation.  I asked for her diagnosis of me and she didn't want to 'label' me.  I NEED labels.  She finally said CPTSD.  I couldn't argue. 

I've always said I am NOT DID...that it's just 'me.'  She'd ask questions from time to time about it and it would piss me off.  Truly, I am NOT DID. 

But what I didn't realize is just how fragmented I truly am.  And it's truly freaking the living crap out of me.  I have not told her about the fragments.  I'm not ready to.  So, I started once again, doing research on it and I know in the depth of my being that it's true.  And that really pissed me off. 

I shut down and probably 'switched.'  I've had three days of being back to my old self.  I just shut it down. 

I had session today and prayed before hand that I wouldn't play games.  I really tried, but to no avail.  She wanted to go to memories and I wasn't going there.  I told her the truth and tried hard to bring up the most important issue.

My relationship to her.  I can't handle it.  I can't do that.  I can't "NEED" her.  I can't get hurt again. 

I don't think she gets it.  I've explained it to her several times, but she's not 'getting' what I'm trying to tell her. 

I think she knew I was in a different place today (or fragment, whatever the * you wanna call it).  And I think it made her a little sad.  I'm having terrible car problems so I couldn't set our next session.  I know she thinks I'm running, but I'm not. 

When I came home, I took a nap.  I realized when I woke up that I no longer ask for help.  It's been my entire adult life.  Don't ask.  It's only going to hurt you.  And no one will help you.  When my youngest was born, our church did meals.  I was told, "Well, we asked everyone, but no one wanted to make you a meal."  Really???  REALLY???  It hurt more than I wanted to admit. 

I just don't ask anymore. 

I don't want to hurt.  I don't want to be panicky, or anxious or act out. 

I've really enjoyed the 'normalcy' of the past few days.  But the fact is that part of my soul, the tormented, damaged, ugly part, still exists.  But I can no longer say that  no one can help me.  She's been there for 12 years waiting for me to do the work.  But I can't handle the relationship and when I told her that today--quietly--she didn't get it.  I don't think she gets it and that makes her unsafe.  That makes it dangerous once again and the terror of that is more than I can handle.  I don't know where to turn or how to deal with it. 

Do I just shut down and call this bullcrap?  If not, HOW DO I MOVE FORWARD??? 

It's really quite terrifying. 

[Rain]

Welcome, Anamiame.

I hear you, and I am sending a 

You know you should have never, ever gone through your mother's unspeakable abuse.

To the frightened, little girl inside you ...I am glad you are here.

To the adult you, I admire your Journey.

You know these words, but take them in even deeper ...you had a normal reaction to a highly abnormal childhood.

Last night, I was reading about PTSD delayed expression where our symptoms to the original abuse come into full expression even years later.    Your mother's passing seems to have ushered that in for you.   But, it can be a gift in healing.    I hope you stay here, and share your Journey, your healing.   Labels help guide on what to read, but they do NOT define who you are.

Fragments come together, they integrate, and I look forward to seeing the wounds heal in you.    You can be free now, happy now.   Positive.    Have hope.

Grace and healing in your Journey.

Rain

[Rain]

Hi again, Anamiame.   I have been thinking about your introduction.

Two main things keep coming to mind.    You outsmart the therapists, prove you are stronger ...claim that you win ...then the relationship ends.   Later in the intro is your hurt that no one wants to help you.

So, you work hard to push away those who might be able to help you ...a "win"

You hurt because of no help ...a "loss"


You do not want to need others.   The vulnerability.     Your inner kid went through one of the very worst rejections I have ever heard of by a mother.   I can only imagine your inner kid never wants to risk that hurt again.   So, you push away and at the same time, that sweet inner kid in you sure does need a hug, and so much love.   Some help for her.

Only a guess here, but what you see as your "tormented, damaged, ugly part" of your soul is most likely your sweet, little inner kid that you loath as your mother rejected her so horribly.

Forgive me for my speculations, Anamiame.

But for all your torment, does it not really come down to the core that you have a sweet, innocent, little inner kid in you that needs the love and acceptance she always, always, always deserved from your very first breath of life, and before?

Is it that your fear is if you let a caring therapist in your heart, one that has been there for 12 years, that your little inner kid would be rejected again?

Your high intelligence does not solve this.    Love does.

[Anamiame]

O.M.G, Rain...that's exactly it.  The double bind that I create so that no matter what I do, I can't win. 

It makes me want to vomit when you mention the little kid.  I'm not a kid anymore anddddd.....I lost my train of thought (my way of dissociating).  Kids are needy--adults have to take care of themselves.  Logically I get it.  But, I'm sure you get this--what you are talking about isn't 'logic' and my safety has always been in my intelligence. 

You have no idea how much your posts mean to me.  I've been reading alot on this site and am a bit overwhelmed with all the info.  I was a licensed therapist, but gave it up to be a stay at home Mom.  When I returned to work, I became a social worker--which I loved doing.  So, there is some new information on here for me.  I'm still searching more information on fragments.  It's really freaking me out. 

[Rain]

A  for your inner kid, Anamiame.   Your inner kid.

I know you want to vomit, and it's your inner sweet kid that is feeling that way ...she feels scared, sick, ugly, tortured, tired, and self-rejecting.   

You remember that kids think they are the center of the universe at the very age your mother abused your sweet, innocent little kid.   At that age, kids think they cause ALL things to happen to them — including being abused by a hideous mother.   No true logic in a tiny, innocent infant.

Soooo, your kid thought she caused her mommy to hurt her so bad, that she was unlovable ...and, you carry those very false beliefs to this day, including the "ugly, tormented" thoughts about your dear little girl inside you.    And, she is scared ...and scared of adult you as you do not see her.    She is sweet.    It was your mother that was ugly in what she did, not your inner kid.

I know what you mean on "intelligence being your so-called safety."   It seems survivors of child abuse do develop considerable high intelligence to survive, and the emotional self, our inner child, stays shivering in a corner for many years while waiting for our adults selves to come pick our inner child up, and love them.

The high IQ gets us through adult life, but smarts does not "love an inner child"

And, it seems "safety" for you is chasing people away.    Yes.   The double bind.   And, you are not alone in that.

Intelligence can be used as a defense.   Healing does not occur with the smarts; it occurs with the heart.

When you were first born, with your first cry in this world, your brain was ready to grow, ready to connect ...a sweet child was born that day.   You.   Nothing vomit worthy of that sweet baby.  Nothing.

Your little girl did nothing wrong.  She did nothing to deserve what was ahead.   She thought what happened was her fault ...that is how tiny kids think.

The only two fragments to focus on, Anamiame, is the adult you opening your arms and heart to the sweet, scared, innocent girl that has been waiting for you to find her.   To care about her, and to finally place the blame on your mother, and not your inner kid.

I think your therapist has earned your trust.  12 years.  I wouldn't worry about studying fragments ...just share what you are Feeling.

I hear ...scared, overwhelmed, and some hope.   Feelings is the focus.    It will be okay.

[Whobuddy]

Welcome to OOTS 

Rain spelled things out so beautifully. I just want to add a welcome hug and tell you that you will like it here!

[Rrecovery]

Hi and Welcome Anamiame 

My heart goes out to you for all the suffering you have endured and are enduring.  I agree that the worst part of being abused as a child is that the child believes it's their fault and that they are bad, inadequate and unlovable.  So we disconnect from her.  We continue to uphold the belief she is bad and ignore and judge the sweet innocent child who needs our attention and love so badly.  We do this without even realizing it.  It is not our fault that the abuse programmed us to relate to our inner-being that way.  But there is hope.  A good therapist can help us to see our inner-child with compassion and love - and respect.  They can teach us to love her and bring her back to life.  It is a wonderful thing to see an abused inner-child heal, come back to life and bloom like the beautiful flower she is - that she was always meant to be; to boldly claim her place in the world knowing that you will always have her back 

Glad you are here.  This forum is a place of understanding, compassion, sharing, wisdom and love.   

[Anamiame]

Thank you so much everyone.  Your responses really mean alot to me.  There's so much information that it's sort of overwhelming.  I need to take some time to absorb it all.   

Also, did anyone else find it overwhelming when they first found this site?  I mean, I've been on boards before, but never felt overwhelmed like this...it's a good thing...not bad.

[Rain]

You have a lot of company in that, Anamiame.   OOTS is a special place.     

[Kizzie]

Hi Anamiame - Hi  , welcome to OOTS   and yes, it most definitely can be overwhelming when you first start coming to the site    It's just a lot to take in and process so give yourself the gift of taking things slowly, resting or taking a break when you need to, and letting yourself process things in your own time.  I started to read a new book about trauma the other night, found it was too much and have put it away for now.  I know I will read it when I'm ready. 

Your T hasn't left you and neither will we.  Just take whatever time you need.

[GraciousJoy]

Everyone feels overwhelmed when they first joined this site, Anamiame, even me.  Trusting when that trust was already broken by the person who was supposed to love you unconditionally is one of the hardest things to relearn how to do, I'm still relearning how to do it myself.  You found a wonderful place on here.  I'm sending you a hug from across the Internet. 

[Katarina]

Thank you for sharing your story Anamiame. It touched me deeply and I hear echoes of myself so strongly in your words.

Anyway, whenever I would be vulnerable, it's like I would get my hand slapped and get deeply hurt...always coming back to the same thing:  "You stupid idiot!  What the * did you THINK would happen!  Never trust ANYONE to be there for you, NEVER!" 

I just got out of a relationship that reminds me of this. He begged me to open up to him, to be vulnerable and show him all of my darkest corners and then he used all of that information against me. To attack me, criticize. Deem me unfit to care for my children. As a reason why he didn't have to listen to my thoughts, feelings or opinions. I was "damaged", "broken" no good. I can't even believe I could have been dumb enough to love someone like that but I did. I trusted him even and got burned in a big way.

I realized when I woke up that I no longer ask for help.  It's been my entire adult life.  Don't ask.  It's only going to hurt you.  And no one will help you.  When my youngest was born, our church did meals.  I was told, "Well, we asked everyone, but no one wanted to make you a meal."  Really???  REALLY???  It hurt more than I wanted to admit. 

I just don't ask anymore. 

And this. Oh the pain of isolation. Do we do it to ourselves? Why is no one courageous enough to cut through our crap and just be there?

Thank you for sharing.

[Anamiame]

Thank you everyone!  Your responses mean so much to me.  Katarina, my heart goes out to you.  How old are your kids?  Kizzie, thanks for your words.  My T did call back and set an appointment for Thursday.  I didn't tell her though what I've been going through.  I'm trying hard this time to keep the boundaries firm so that I don't get hurt again. 

[Katarina]

Hi Anamiame, I answered this in my thread but I'll answer quickly in yours too....
My littlest is 18 months and pretty much the cutest thing ever. We are convinced it is a survival technique as I've been hanging on by a thread his whole life to be frank.
My older two are 11 and 9. My daughter (11) is with me full time, I'm all she has in the world and she is a pretty wonderful young lady. My son (9) is one of those sensitive types that can turn hard and mean and nasty if you don't take the time to connect with his heart. Melancholic they call him, me too

I love my kids. I run a preschool, one with pretty strong & lofty ideals about childhood and how we ought to treat our children. It's kind of a big deal to me. My life's mission if you will. I am coming to a place where I see that the baby was my gift to show me to my path but to be honest his arrival into the world was extremely stressful and unwelcome. It most certainly has taken years off my life.

Are yours gone from home? Teens as a single Mom, whew I don't envy you!

[Anamiame]

Hi Katarina: 

Yes, three of them are gone (23, 22 and 18) but the 20 year old is still at home.  He's got some special needs so school isn't easy for him, but I truly believe he's the smartest of all four of them.  My eldest is married and they are both in PhD programs.  He's in Physics and my DIL is in Chemistry.  My youngest is a freshman but did all her GE's in high school so she has a junior standing right now.  She won't graduate early because her program is very difficult and the classes are concurrent, not consecutive. 

I've always been concerned about my attachment issues with my kids--but for all intense and purposes, they all seem to have a pretty healthy relationship with me.  My T is concerned that my daughter is too attached to me.  Since I didn't have a healthy role model for a mother/daughter relationship, I've worked really really hard to do right by her. 

I admire you handling so many little ones.  I love kids beyond measure, but my issues get in the way with the little ones. 

So, I'm not completely empty nesting...my son is amazing and I'm so fortunate to be granted this extra time with him.   

I am constantly thinking back to when they were tiny and miss it so much.  Enjoy for me!