Oh no--human emotion!!

[wonderbumble]

Hello. I just joined to ask this, so great greetings. There is discussion of depersonalization and emotional abuse here, as a warning.

I have what you might call "pre-ptsd". I still live with my parents (I'm 19), and my dad has been a dumpster fire emotional abuser for years. As a result, my depression/severe depersonalization was triggered when I was about eight. Things have only gotten worse over the last four years (despite us trying to claw our way out).

I started official treatment in 2016 (Wellbutrin). It has basically repaired my brain function... Before, I'd only been able to feel about three emotions (angry, sad, scared). So I've had the full range of human emotion for roughly two years now. I couldn't feel my body or process reality very well either, and that has also majorly disappeared. All of that is good news, but it comes with complications.

Back to my "pre-ptsd" phrase: I am not out of the source of my trauma yet. But now that I'm very much grounded in reality, it's making existing beyond stressful. Because now it's real--I'm not a "floating head" anymore. I joke about it, but the way I used to feel was horrifying. Sometimes my days are so bad, I'd like to have it back.

So, naturally, I started trying extra hard to find more friends/people. In late December (2017), I got back in touch from a friend from middle school over facebook. We had a great connection and just lost touch. So I wrote to him, and fast forward three months--we have very strong feelings for each other. We're invested. We've said the Three Words and meant them (to my knowledge). We mean a lot to each other. I did not think I would feel this way and I thought all he had in middle school was a basic crush, but anyway...

Here's the problem: He's the only significant other I've ever had and I'm absolutely freaking out. In person, I couldn't feel more relaxed and at ease. I feel like I've known him forever. He knows about a lot of what I'm dealing with (in his words, "sane people scare me"). He wants to help both my mom and I to leave our situation. He knows I'm gonna struggle with this kind of relationship.
However, he's done a lot in both the dating and sex department. He's great with listening to me and working with me, but on top of having a huge fear of men (thanks every man/boy I've ever interacted with in my life), AND not experiencing consistent normal human touch for years and years, I absolutely snowball into a place of anxiety and panic when we're not near each other.

Basically: I work myself up for no reason beyond past experiences, I don't know how to ground myself because my intuition stops working, and I can't bring myself to trust what I'm telling myself and know to be true. Instead, my brain goes to every possible thing that could go wrong and that becomes the destiny of our relationship.

It's driving me crazy. I miss him when he's not around, and thoroughly enjoy doing even the most mundane things with him (it's mutual), and yet: I have the urge to run for my life, leaving behind nothing but a puff of smoke!
(FYI, if you're wondering, I am definitely attracted to men. That's not where the fear is coming from. I'm bi, for sure. He is too!)

So here's my question(s). Is there a better way to explain what's going on in my head? How on earth do I find a way to manage and quiet the false panic? How do I teach my brain to recognize: "Hey, you have a wonderful friendship and you love being around each other"? What has worked for you guys? Do you have a specific name for this experience?

Thanks, y'all. <3

[Three Roses]

I absolutely snowball into a place of anxiety and panic when we're not near each other.

This sounds like fear of abandonment to me, not sure tho. Read here and see if anything rings true -

When a child is consistently abandoned, her developing superego eventually assumes totalitarian control of her psyche and carcinogenically morphs into a toxic Inner Critic. She is then driven to desperately seek connection and acceptance through the numerous processes of perfectionism and endangerment described in my article "Shrinking The Inner Critic in Complex PTSD" (see link for this article: Shrinking the Inner Critic). Her inner critic also typically becomes emotional perfectionistic, as it imitates her parent's contempt of her emotional pain about abandonment. The child learns to judge her dysphoric feelings as the cause of her abandonment. Over time her affects are repressed, but not without contaminating her thinking processes. Unfelt fear, shame and depression are transmuted into thoughts and images so frightening, humiliating and despairing that they instantly trigger escapist 4F acting out. Eventually even the mildest hint of fear or depression, no matter how functional or appropriate, is automatically deemed as danger-ridden and overwhelming as the original abandonment. The capacity to self-nurturingly weather any experience of depression, no matter how mild, remains unrealized. The original experience of parental abandonment devolves into self-abandonment. The ability to stay supportively present to all of one's own inner experience gradually disappears.

(From Pete Walker,  http://pete-walker.com/managingAbandonDepression.htm)

[owlpower]

Hello WonderBumble,

You definitely have a lot going on at the moment -- inside and out -- and trying to make sense of it all can be both confusing and scary. Human emotions can, at times, pack a wallop, especially when so many disturbing ones flood us at once.

You mentioned that you were taking Wellbutrin, so I am assuming you were being treated by a professional therapist and, hopefully, still are, as I would strongly suggest discussing these issues with someone experienced in abandonment/anxiety/relationship issues such as you describe.

There are no quick fixes for those of us experiencing PTSD or CPTSD symptoms; however, with the proper support, determination and patience, healing IS possible.

Wishing you well ~
Owl Power

[jamesG.1]

Hi Wonderbumble,

well you said it yoyrself, these are human emotions, and they are the emotions that are natural and understandable for your position in time in your life. You've clearly had to negotiate a world of mean influences and why on earth would you not find them hard to process as you work your way through to a new place where better emotions and feelings exist. Many soldiers can't sleep in beds when they came back from war, because normal felt alien, odd and irrelevant. Kindness is otherworldly. Love, sex, affection, these things have to be grabbed back from the forces that stole them from us. But they DO belong to us, as they belong to everyone. The negativity is a taint, a stain, but it is going to fade with time and it sounds like you have a wonderful person to help you do that. Even if it is for a short time, it will be worth it.

Everything you feel is natural, reasonable and proportionate, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Keep this charming lad in the loop and between you, be as objective as you can about the process. You are on the side that matters, the good side, and it always wins in the end, even if it does leave scars. Accept that and remember that tho this may be a waiting game, it will end the right way up. 

You hurt because you feel, you feel because you are alive. You know what is right and what is wrong. Big changes can't always be activated fast and to order, but time is on our side if we plan and learn and educate ourselves about what we face.

To summarise. You are feeling the things you should feel, and the process is complex. But you have the right to do whatever you need to do to negotiate the rapids and head for a safe shore. You own yourself. Your boyfriend owns himself too, and you can be two independent people sharing the journey without that being a problem.

As always, go to Spartan Life Coach on youtube. Very good clear advice about what we are all dealing with here.

We will win tho, we all will.

[wonderbumble]

Three Roses & Owl Power--y'all are probably not off mark. I have hands-down had to act as a counselor, co-parent, and babysitter the majority of my life because my dad refused to be a dad. (I call it Mini Dr. Phil Syndrome.)
Historically, every dude I've ever interacted with on a deeper level has made my life considerably worse. So in that sense, I suppose the abandonment "fear of disappointment/hurt" thing comes into play here.
The panic doesn't start just because my boyfriend (boyfriend--AHHHH!!!) is not around, though. It starts because he's male and not around, so I don't have the reality that confirms he's "safe" in front of me.

Basically, my brain won't let me ground myself with the current "methods" I'm using. (I don't have a therapist right now, so one is distance, another is "review relationship facts", one more is drive my mom crazy.) I'm very much in search of grounding methods.
(Anxiety affects appetite. I love some good dang food. This is important!  )

Thank you, James. I feel like framing your response and hanging it on my bedroom wall.
Normal absolutely feels weird. In the most physical sense, I couldn't walk right for two months after starting Wellbutrin because my head was suddenly tethered to the floor! In every other sense I've had sparse doses of normal. I think of my other friend who, after horrible abusive relationships, found an awesome dude who's done nothing but support her--and she very often found herself crying out of the shock of the normalcy at first. Just this winter, he had to buy her a car battery (they'd just moved and she wasn't working yet), and she cried because he was insistent on it and then taught her how to install it! I absolutely relate.

So your post couldn't ring more true. Normal is abnormal. Abnormal becomes predictable and safe. Thus, Abby Normal Brain must be retaught.
Wonderful advice and validation rolled all up into one. 

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum wonderbumble  I love your name  (I like bumble bees).

On pre-ptsd, you might be interested in our discussion about the diagnosis CPTSD http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=8179.0 Some of us don't think 'post' is applicable because many people with CPTSD are still in an abusive situation or get back into one. It sort of goes hand-in-hand with the diagnosis till you heal further. You probably just have plain old CPTSD like the rest of us on here. The discussion and poll we did on the naming of this Beast gave us the new name: Cumulative Traumatic Stress Injury (CTSI). Hasn't been accepted world-wide yet 

Anyway, whatever you want to call it, you're welcome here!

[jamesG.1]

gather the normal and keep it close. There are many normal lovely people out there in the big bad world. But don't worry, they come to you if you fly your flag high enough.

Just make sure you know the difference between real and impressive. The best people are quiet, unassuming and undemonstrative. The loudest fireworks are also the most expensive.

It sounds to me like you are way ahead of the curve actually. You are assessing the reality you have been given correctly and drawing the right conclusions. Take your time and build your emotional muscle, you'll get a good life if you keep this up.

[Sceal]

Hi!
I just thought I'd share with you my grounding techniques. They doesn't always work, but it's a practice thing - and I'm not always great at practicing

1.)  If I am too anxious and activated: breathing in deep, and even slower out. As long as it takes.
If I'm not activated enough, and I'm entering a freeze mode: I hyperventilate. To stimulate my body.

2.) Look at the things in the room and describe them: "White walls with patterend bumps on them. Wooden door with wooden frame, and a golden metallic handle. It's closed. A fire extinguisher in the corner. It's red with a red, black and white sign on it. It has a black hose, a metal ring and a black handle. There are 3 pink post it notes with purple text on them. One yellow post it note with blue text on, and one green post it note with a map on it" Describe the item, the colour and the amount present in the surrounding area. You don't have to say it out loud (sometimes that attracts unwanted attention)

3.) name your emotion. Say out loud (or whisper) "I am scared" "I am ashamed". Voicing your emotion can dampen the intensity, because you are acknowledging it and accepting that it's what you are in that very moment. And that is helpful. You can also start describing what you feel inside. How does the fear or shame feel like inside your body? Is it heavy? Is it hard, fluid, pointy, sharp? Does it have a colour? Where in the body is it located?

4) Use your senses: name things you can see, hear, smell, touch and perhaps taste.

5) touch the sole of your feet to the floor/ground. Can you feel them?  Balance slightly on one foot. Is it difficult? But can you do it? Or simply roll your ankle. It sends a signal to your mind that you have feet, and the feet are touching the ground. Your feet are grounded. They will carry you.

6) Create an anxiety box. It's  like a treasure box. Within it you have things that calms you. photo of something that is important to you. a poem, a song, a drawing. a wrapping, a card, the number to your boyfriend, something soft to hold. A piece of hard candy to suck on, something to smell. A spicebox or a scented candle maybe.

But above all of the grounding techniques for me is to talk to someone. Someone talking to me, making me answer questions. Refocusing my thoughts and excess energy. And once I'm calmer, or activated again, I'm more equipped to deal with what sent me off spiralling.

[wonderbumble]

Hey guys! Sorry I didn't get back faster, the past few days have been busy.

An update on the relationship: When I wrote this we hadn't seen each other in over a month. It's a long story, but he had to move elsewhere due to mental health stuff. So we met up on Thursday and basically, the more I talk about my issues, the better the relationship gets. I brought up/explained my "panic-when-you're-not-there" issue and it went really well. Luckily, this means my very wired thought process is calming down.

And I mention this because it served as a reminder to me (and might to the reader): Communication is a thing that works! Yay!

Thank you, Sceal, for your list of techniques. I'd never heard of a few of those before and I'm very much looking forward to trying them next time I need them. <3

Thank you both Blueberry and James. I do have a new thread for that section... I'm indeed gathering the normal and keeping it close, that's why I'm such a mess!
(Also, I totally love bees.)

[DecimalRocket]

Hi there. I'm pretty young too. I'm turning 17 in about a week, though I'm a lot more mellow where you're a lot more bubbly.

Hmm. . . Lots of people who are attached to people they care about have less comfort with being alone. Maybe try searching online articles about enjoying solitude. It teaches a certain amount of self compassion and trust towards yourself, and it can be deeply healing too. You can try a nice solitary hobby or even try meditation, which I hear is good for being able to hear your own inner instincts.

Otherwise, I'm glad you have one person who really cares about you. Having someone who's a lot more secure in a relationship can be the start of a growth for you, especially when others have been cruel to you. Anyway, take care, and good luck. 

[wonderbumble]

Happy belated birthday DecimalRocket! 

You know what's really funny? I actually like my own company. I can make myself laugh in an empty, rainy cemetery (and I have)! It is absolutely an extremely healing skill to have. It can be hard to live with yourself, let alone like yourself, after trauma.

Then there's trusting yourself: I actually rely heavily on both my logical judgement and on my gut instincts. To get a laugh and validate it further, I've gone so far as to give my intuition a name/semi-identity (Lucy). It's ridiculous, but it sure does work; "Lucy" is never wrong, and "she" has become a friend. I can ask myself yes-or-no questions and get an answer that always turns out to be right. "Lucy" can accurately predict all sorts of things--hours, days, weeks, or months ahead of time.

Which is why when my anxiety with this popped up, I was extremely annoyed. Why was I suddenly doubting such important parts of myself that I know I can trust? Feeeeaaaaar!!!! Basic fear was causing such an all-encompassing static, I couldn't hear my own instincts. Thanks, brain.

I dunno if I said this, but this fear-when-apart thing actually disappeared after I brought it up to him. Hey, I'll take it. Of course, I'm still adjusting. There are other pieces of this new dynamic I'm mega struggling with. We both have agreed we want a future together ... Quick question, has someone who you consider a soulmate, who also considers YOU a soulmate, ever asked you about kids on the second official date? Has this ever been a result of contacting an old friend on a whim on Facebook? *!!!!!!!!insert internal shrieking/excitement!!!!!*

In the midst of being hit by a freight train of normalcy, I'm trying--I swear!