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[DecimalRocket]

Continuing from my last post, I'm still thinking about that misunderstanding and fight I made with a friend before. I must have gotten reactive from the intense EF I had, huh? Sigh.

I've asked too much from that person and crossed boundaries. I did it because I was desperate for help from a narrow source. So I've talked and had a heartfelt talk with my family about another try, and even if they were utterly terrible parents back then, they actually did manage to change for me that night.

I've opened up to my two occupational therapists in the deepest talks I ever had with them about my issues. Not as much as I do here, but it's a start. Gotten the will to get back to the site 7 cups of tea if I want a live conversation online, and some other sites for different conditions I have.

I've been reflecting about it for hours thinking on how to prevent it, and I think . . . some things make sense. Some things still don't, and much of it still gives me a headache. What have I done wrong? I'd prefer people's behavior to work more similarly to equations visualized through graphs, but well, people don't work that way.

I thought I passed that stage of overanalyzing everything to the point of exhaustion, but I'm still scared of what I can't understand well enough. It just moved from educational/career plans to relationships.

Geez. What would it mean if I can't figure out? It would mean it was my fault, and I didn't try hard enough.

It's not just my inner critic who says that. It's my compassionate self too. The difference is one of them actually believes I can do it.

But maybe it's better I don't push myself too much. I feel kinda. . . faint and dizzy.

[Hope67]

I've opened up to my two occupational therapists in the deepest talks I ever had with them about my issues. Not as much as I do here, but it's a start.

That is great Decimal Rocket  to you.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

you know, i think it's important that we don't put unrealistic expectations on ourselves.  i, for one, have had them placed on me from day 1, and put them on myself for many, many years later.  it can be difficult to get down off that mountain of expectations for ourselves, but from personal experience, it's been important for me to actually do so.  i've found it to be a lot less stressful the more i get off of it. 

so, please take it easy on yourself. 

i'm glad you were able to open up a bit to your folks.  sounds like progress all the way around.  love you, sweetie, and sending you a gentle, caring hug.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, thanks, you two. 

I'm not sure if I deserve the rest, San. I do feel pretty tired of working on anything social can do to me, but do I deserve the rest? I'm still thinking of when I said I'd leave this place for good after an intense panic attack from an EF. Usually, I'm self-aware that my fears aren't logical, but that day I couldn't think logically at all. I probably worried many of you.

I don't remember a day where I haven't been not filled with deep guilt for years, but in that scenario, it made the situation worse to make up for something I didn't do. I've let my heart who's always afraid of what others think to build my own morality, but why can't my own morality be logical too?

Sure, compassion may be felt by the heart, but logic helps implement that in a suitable fashion when the facts are presented. You see, the facts here is that deep guilt makes things worse. I hurt myself and I hurt others more. In my calculation, I understand that my emotions weren't making me see things right.

Why can't my heart be the wiser heart that all these "follow your heart" people are? Their heart actually tells them to do smart things for once. Oh well. Rational compassion helps me more, after all. Being able to straightforwardly tell harmful people in my lives to change even if the truth hurts, is, of course, the thing that actually gets results. And so did my friend help me by being blunt with what I'm doing wrong.

It's tempered with some tact of course -- lead by logic doesn't mean 100% all logic based. Some people could get hurt if my decisions were all robotic, but no, I'm human. A human that can get overemotional from things like EFs and falling in love.

Well, someday I hope what my heart tells me to make sense for once. I don't feel like I need rest, but I do think I do. I slept a lot today.

But my heart did reluctantly forgive itself at least, but I wish someone else would tell me they forgive the crazy lil' guy too. Damn. To say to take it easy for once, and well, that it's alright to cry about hurting others.

[sanmagic7]

of course it's all right to cry about hurting others.  that's compassion, that's feeling, that's heart work. 

i think we have 3 major resources to utilize while maneuvering thru the world and relationships.  one is the heart, and it's good in its own way.  love, compassion, caring - all those lovely, kind things come from our hearts.  they're very important.

but, not for everything.  we also need our heads, our logic, comprehension, understanding, learning, et. al., to navigate the waters of life.  without our heads on straight, we can make some very wrong decisions for ourselves. 

the third is our gut.  i believe that's the fundamental basis of knowing what's best for us, for ourselves.  go with your gut when you're unsure.  our heads and hearts can lead us astray - too logical without enough emotion, or too emotional without enough logic.  i believe our gut always has our best interest intact.  it's an intuitive sense that something's ok or not ok.

so, it seems to me that finding balance among the 3 of these is ideal for our lives.  people will always give us advice whether we ask for it or not.  sometimes it makes sense for us, sometimes not.  i'm not giving you advice, by the by, only sharing some of my beliefs with you.  ultimately, you know best what's best for you.  you're still learning, as are we all.

keep taking care of you, sweetie.  lots of love, gentle, caring hugs.

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
I also wanted to send you a hug, if that's ok - and say that I just popped by to say 'hello'.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, d.r.

thinking of you.  hope you're ok.  sending love and a big warm hug to you.

[Deep Blue]

Hey d.r.
Thinking of you, hope you are doing ok.

[Estella]

Hey dr,

I just re-read your last two posts. I wasn't so sure how to respond last time. I just want to say that it seems like you were doing your best for your friend. Whether she understands this or not, you can hold your head up high and be proud of trying. I hope in time, they will see that you had good intentions.

None of us is perfect. It hurts to feel like we've made a mistake. I hope your ot's are still helping you through this difficult time. And that you come back to OOTS soon if it's helpful if you are allowed, as I see the mods may have restricted you. Hang in there 

[Hope67]

Sending you a warm hug, Decimal Rocket - hope you are ok.   
Hope