Back to Earth Recovery Journal

[DecimalRocket]

San, Is that what you think? Oh well. I warn you, I get weirder as time passes.    Okay, I also died from embarrassment.

Thanks Sceal for the reminder. I guess as I get more softhearted, I need to make sure I don't push too far the balance between things for myself and others.

...

If I think about it, I grew up with values no one ever praised me for. Independent thinking. Open mindedness. Reflection. Curiosity. Objectivity. Here what mattered more was family, religion, generosity and traditon. Not that I don't see the value of these, but I care about other things more.

It was lonely in some way. No one ever praised me for these, and so the foundation of my self esteem for what I cared about the most was low. It felt like the things I cared about the most was the things most invisible to others.

I remember I had a talk with my tutor several months ago, and he went on a lecture on how he rebelled as a teenager too. I disagreed. Unlike some people here, I believed respect for older people's advice is earned, not given.

"The past's beliefs have stayed long enough for a reason," he said.

"But the past is no longer here, and beliefs have to be updated."

"We're guided by tradition and rules. Without it, there's no order."

"I can't find my own rules without chaos. I have to look to the future."

"The future was built on the past."

"But the future was built on top of the past."

He was smothering, controlling and closeminded, but he had a point. But I had a point too that he didn't acknowledge.

And so I looked to the past but still tried to move on beyond it. Not the objectivity of following rules, standards and feeling no emotions. It was the objectivity of wisdom and balance between opposing views. Though, I still kept hoping someone would acknowledge my own views since I need support.

Well, I want to be logical, but not cold after all.

[sanmagic7]

i do like wonderfully weird people.  diversity, to me, is what makes the world go round. 

i have to admit, i totally see your point.  i think family/tradition is important, but i also think individuality is important.  we take the best from what we've been taught, and forge our own future, like you said, on top of that.

my conservative tradition was that you live in your parents' house till you get married, then live with your spouse the rest of your life.  i followed that till it blew up in my face - the guy i was gonna marry dumped me when i was 21.  all the plans had been set.

so, when the opportunity from 2 friends came along to move to the free-spirit west coast, so. calif., the beach, surfers - an alien world to me - i jumped at it, broke tradition, and began finding myself and my life.  it's taken many years, but i'm now back with family (my d) and actually going to find a new life with her.  at least as long as that works.

i acknowledge and honor those attributes, talents, and skills that weren't seen as something to celebrate in you, d.r.    you are finding your own way in spite of what you've gone thru.  if it's not weird, i'd like to say i'm proud of you for that.  you're also adding kindness, compassion, and caring to that list.  becoming a very well-rounded young person. 

love and hugs, sweetie.

[DecimalRocket]

Haha. Thanks. 

I do like rules and order. I just prefer it to be my structure and order, not others. External rules can be broken and my room can be a mess, but I try not to break my own rules, you know?

People think of logic and emotions as separate, but they're always together somehow. When some people are "logically" analyzing a machine for example, there could be all kinds of emotions behind it. Playfulness. Need for winning. Nostalgia. A lot more than that too.

The logic people talk about of suppressing feelings acts like it's not feeling anything, but what it really feels is fear of strong emotions. You see, the emotions I prefer behind my logic are much more . . . healthy than that, like compassion.

Make no mistake. I prefer logic to take the lead, but good rulers listen to their kingdom rather than become a tyrant, don't they?

...

I feel a little troubled about my birthday coming tomorrow. I just feel like I don't deserve all the happy birthdays already said today and will be said tomorrow.

I went out for a small gathering for some good Thai food, and people who know me well know I have a thing for different types of Asian food. I was treated to books from the history of the Samurai to a book on drawing activites.

But I just feel bad for all this. It's a celebration of me, but I'm not sure I deserve to be celebrated. I'm a bit exhausted from the flashbacks this attention has triggered.

On my birthday, I'd just like to settle down and stay home to ponder things on my own. All the upheaval of talking to people, going to a big mall for a restaurant and a bookstore takes a lot on my sensitive nervous system. Thinking on my own is my favorite thing to do after all, and I get homesick pretty easily.

Yeah. That would be a nice celebration.

[sanmagic7]

i hope you have exactly the quiet celebration you want on your day. 

i loved being 17.  it was a good year for me.  i hope the same goes for you.

happy birthday for tomorrow, sweetie.  you deserve to have a happy one.   love and hugs.   

[Sceal]

It's taken me a long time to learn this, but on my birthday I should be allowed to choose what I want.
It's a nice sentiment to have a dinner somewhere. But more often than not I prefer travelling on my birthday, to avoid what you write about the dinner, the obligatory thank yous and acceptance of various things.

But it is your birthday. And even if you can't choose this year, maybe next year you can decide to stay at home and ponder if that is how you want to celebrate your birthday. Perhaps make a promise to yourself that you will be able to choose your favourite activity on your birthday. Because, it is your day. And you are worth it. We are all worth it.

[DecimalRocket]

  to San and Sceal.

...

There's a TV trope called Bittersweet Seventeen. It's when a character aged 17 becomes nostalgic on their past. For childhood. Haha. Well, they hit it right on the nail, don't they?

Sigh.

Bloody video games, and fashion Facebook games. Pewdiepie Let's Plays and when my attention span was shorter for bite sized educational videos. Especially Ted talks. Even farther back I played with remote controlled cars, and dressed up dolls. I read nearly every children's fun fact book in the library, and drew anime characters terribly.

Adults hid me from the dark side of human life, but I was too curious to find out. Intellectually, I understood. Emotionally, I interpreted them in an overly simplistic way, and I . . . grew jaded too soon. No one ever guided me through those beliefs as a kid. No one. Sometimes I wish I wasn't smart enough to question things like that then. That's too much for a kid to handle alone, or even with a kind adult.

Sometimes, I tell my inner child it's okay not to fully understand all the bad things in the world to survive in it. "Hey kid, trust me. I still don't." I'd have time for more lighthearted stories , and completely impractical math equations like the percentage of choosing the best toilet seat out of a 100. Time for more laughs, daydreams, and "kewl asse memes".

Time less spent on the cold hard truth.

My inner child would enjoy the break for a while, but after some time, they'd have a shine in their eyes.

They still want to learn the truth of things for the sake of it, no matter how much it can break them.

"Well, there's no turning back, but for now, shut up kid. Go binge watch a superhero anime and doodle a half penguin-half seahorse. Also add floating swords like Erza Scarlet from Fairy Tail ."

And so I did.

[Hope67]

  to you Decimal Rocket.   

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

love you, d.r.  every new life event brings change - an ending and a beginning.  i'm exploring being 70 for the first time, while my spirit steadfastly remains 27.  physically, i can't do now what i did at 27.  but, i can still dance.

the thing about learning stuff too soon without an adult to also teach and support is an interesting concept to me.  we process that stuff with a child's mind, and it takes on its own personality.  having a supportive adult around could have been reassuring, comforting, and given explanations and spins on such knowledge that comes with life experience, something a kid doesn't have, but also something a kid could hang onto that would assuage fears and concerns.

warm hug to you, sweetie.

[DecimalRocket]

Hope,  .

Thanks, San. New beginnings, huh? Then I wonder what is actually beginning, and what exactly is ending. I want to see what's everyone's doing, but talking to people here doesn't come naturally intellectually or emotionally to me, and it can be tiring. I'll keep my distance for now. I still catch myself missing and worrying about people here though. 

....

There is no music.

Barely any music at all.

In movies, reading the mood of the situation was a little harder to me, but I always understood the music. I understood if the music was a harrowing sorrow or if it was a morning playfulness. A pounding frustration or a tumble of nervous excitement. After a while, I figured out that what the music the movie played didn't always predict how others interpreted the mood of it all. Sometimes, their ideas even run counter to it.

I always had a type of "music" that filled my interpretation of life in my head. I'm more grounded. Less wrapped in worries of my overactive mind. I thought what I feared most in life was the noise, but what I feared most now was the silence. True silence.

Not the external silence of my simple room, but the silence of my mind. Little unnecessary assumptions and less of other people's judgemental opinions.

And it's terrifying.

I have to make my own conclusions and decisions. No one could tell me the exact answers. I have to trust myself even more, and I don't know if my ideas are worth trusting.

For the first time in my life, I begged for noise.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like an ending and beginning of sorts right there.  less of what you were used to and decisions about what to put in its place.  i think it might be called growth, both on an emotional and physical level.  you're becoming an adult in various ways.  time to put the things of childhood behind.

go slow.  you've got time.  time to settle in with these new realizations, time to make more room for who you are and who you are becoming as well as the time to start letting go of what isn't necessary anymore.  it's part of the process, d.r., even tho it can be scary at times.  you'll make it thru, of that i have no doubt.  and when you do, you'll be wiser for the journey.

love and a big hug to you, sweetie.

[DecimalRocket]

San, thanks. I'll take it slow. 

....

Often, I flashback to a forum post I made when I thought I was getting better at my own social skills and warmth. Someone just came in and said I couldn't have possibly made it this far at my age, and that my views I described were naive. I overestimated myself.

That was all true, but it still crushed me. Those areas were my weakest in life, and to have someone blatantly tell me broke me. I've been thinking it over and over for several months now, maybe even nearly a year.

Whenever I think I improve in these areas at all, I'd always suspect that I'm arrogant in some ways about all this. I tried my best at self awareness, but it still doesn't feel enough. I can accept criticism in other areas better, but this one?

This one just makes me vulnerable in a nerve wracking way.

I wish that person back then would acknowledge my effort at least there, because damn did I put so much blood, tears, and sweat to understand other people and to interact with them well. I hid it even with the months spent at OOTS because I found all that painfully embarrassing. I mean, come on. Why am I still butthurt about it? He was right, and I already made progress on what he said.

And why am I in tears about it now?

Some things I observe with people are strange. They praise people too much on what they've already accomplished rather than encouraging them to accomplish something they still haven't.

I didn't just want acceptance. I wanted praise for any improvements in results I had, no matter how small. I wanted to be confident to act and trust on what I learned, not just confident in being worthy of love.

[Sceal]

I think you are touching on some very important things here.
Perhaps it still hurts because your progress at that topic was deeply important to you. And as you say, your progress weren't acknowledged.
From the short time I've interacted with you, I believe you have progressed. You have grown, explored. Dared to ask the hard, vulnerable questions. Which is important and impressive. Perhaps today you can allow yourself to be sad for something that meant alot to you, and maybe by allowing to feel the sadness you might feel better afterwards. A form of healing.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks Sceal. That allowed me to grieve when you said that. I feel a lot better about it.

.....

I get the sense that I'm not connected to my feminine side. Though I do feel like deep inside, I'm both masculine and feminine. That I am both of these sides. I don't get why, and I dislike having a need that wasn't created through logic. It makes it confusing, but I have to make do.

I guess I avoided it because my mom is an utter girly girl - romance shows, gossip, warmth, etc. and I didn't want to be reminded of that much. I've been analytical and logical for as long as I remember sure, but I wasn't masculine in an aggressive or a stoic way, and tended to be more friendly. Even expressive, when I'm not quiet. I'm shy to have emotions I don't fully understand on display, but well, it just. . . comes out.

They say guys are pressured to not cry and girls are pressured to not speak up in anger. Me? I was pressured to not do both, and was pressured to be both tough and kind from my mom. Especially since when I was more isolated, I socialized online more, and I didn't really inform people of my gender. People assume things, and they react differently. Hence because of the mixed messages, I just fell back to being distant.

My inner critic makes it that my manhood and womanhood is being bruised at the same time, and it doesn't even give me a clear goal. I want the healthy side of both, not the unhealthy side of both other people have pressured on me.

I want to feel free to express anger and sadness. I want to speak with factual bluntness, and other times with indirect gentleness. I want to solve integral equations, and draw really adorable kittens on the side of them. I want to watch hardcore actions shows and deep romance novels. *, sometimes I wish I can vary the gender of my underwear when I sleep at night. I want my curiosity to have no pressures on boundaries of interest.

I want to be a man, and I want to be a woman.

[DecimalRocket]

I guess the above's not as bad as it looks. Where I live might be full of poverty and traditional in most ways, but people around are a lot more accepting with differences in gender and LGBT, with one close exception in my life. At least in the city here and those who are well off financially tend to be more open minded. Outside those? Well, I'd have to be cautious . . . very cautious. I picked most bad ideas on the immature parts of the internet in my isolated days and well, I was a neglected kid.

I dislike talking about controversial issues like this. Feels like I'll attract rages because I said something unclear or stupid.

....

I remember someone said that emotional intelligence was more than compassion. It was a connection to society. How would I connect to people I have never met? For an entire year, I wondered what that meant, and now I think I might have.

It's a funny thing how we can be connected to people we never met. When we read a story, fiction or non fiction, we can feel for these characters. When some people post here, many are not just talking to those who reply but people who will never say a word. People create articles, books, drawings, videos, movies and all kinds of communication for those who they never met. Why?

They had something I don't. A much stronger imagination for what people might go through as they communicate. When I say something on the other hand, everyone who does not directly talk to me or reveal about themselves. . . are entirely invisible to me. I stopped writing articles for a wider audience for a reason and settled for more direct back and forth forums like this.

It's why I spent much of my time hear being sensitive to no one replying. To me, it doesn't matter how many views are shown. Literally no one seems to be reading it. They're numbers. I can't imagine the human behind them or trust myself that I'll make a good guess. I can't fully trust others' stories I've read online or in books as a spectator either.

But to talk intimately to people here, and to open up just a little more to people in real life. . . it gets easier to imagine and trust what other people I never met are like. And while not as strong as those I know, I feel closer to them too.

Sometimes when I think I'm alone in something, I imagine that somewhere out there, someone's experiencing something similar. I've never conversed with them or have even heard of them. Never laughed with them. Never shared secrets. Never seen their voice, their smile, or their tears.

But I know and trust they exist, and that I'm not alone.

Oh, and hi there whoever you are. 

[sanmagic7]

i remember feeling something similar, i think.  maybe not, but what you wrote reminded me of something that happened a long time ago.  i never realized that just my being was something that was noticed and made an impact on people.  of course, most of my life i was floaty, so i didn't realize i had an impact on anyone or anything.

anyway, i was a therapist in a day treatment program, adol. girls, and it was a school as well as a therapy setting.  at times if one of my girls acted up in class, i was called to come and calm her down so she could rejoin the class and get back to her schoolwork.

one day, one of my girls was having problems in math, so i went there, took her aside while the class continued, and she and i had a chat about what was going on.  she just needed some support and a little stabilization, it took about 10 min. or so, and she was able to go back to her seat with no more problems.

that year was when i left.  my best friend also worked there, and she sent me a letter about 6 mos. later.  it seems that the math teacher had approached her, told her the story of what happened in her class, how it impacted her and her class, and that she could only imagine how much my friend missed me. 

when my friend told me this, i was stunned.  the praise was enormous, and i couldn't comprehend it.  to me, i was just doing my job, helping a girl with a problem.  that was the first indication i had that what i did in my life can have profound and far-reaching effects on someone i was not directly involved with.  the teacher was so grateful for my intervention, how calmly and quietly it happened, and how quickly that her students barely missed a beat.

i was in my 50's when this happened, was blind to anything like that before.  you, d.r., have learned so much about yourself and your interaction with the world around you at such a tender age, it's a marvel to me.  i was the one who was naive for so long, unknowing.  you have accomplished so much in such a short time.  it's truly amazing to me.

but the views that are shown, the people who are reading your stuff even if not replying - i've learned that you're having an impact on them as well.  maybe they don't feel like anything to you (i basically ignored that teacher - she wasn't my focus.  i don't think i said 2 words to her when i was in that class), but they're real nonetheless.  it took that incident to happen to me at that age before i understood that.

your growth is your own and needn't be compared to anyone else's.  if it feels real to you, it is, and deserves to be acknowledged.   i'm glad that your participation here is making the others more real to you, too.  you are a bright star, sweetie.   love and hugs.