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[sanmagic7]

and, again, you made me chuckle as i saw so much of me in what you said.  too much pride in self, indeed.

you're right, i think, that yours is a child's heart still.  you have gotten more mature the longer you've been here, but the heart wants what the heart wants.  we just need to find a balance, and sometimes that only comes with life experience.

ugh - the heat.  too much of it for me in mexico.  i've been down that road, so i can totally relate.  keep cool, man, as ice would say after riff died.  did you get that reference?

keep taking care of you, and, really, do stay cool.  it's not good on any level to overheat your body/brain.  love and hugs, d.r.

[DecimalRocket]

  San.

...

I still can't seem to fully understand why people are kind to me now. I still end up in tears everyday since I'm deeply touched by it, mostly because it's the opposite of what I expect. I've never really showed different sides of myself as clearly as I do here, instead of showing just one side of myself.

It's strange to me to show how my mind works at its most dedicated to being logical, and also show how my heart works when its most filled with emotion.

It's strange to show that I'm the same person who studies the deepest intellectual works, and the same person who reads really terrible fanfiction on purpose for the laughs. Often slow and thoughtful, then swift and clever.

I speak in beautiful and wise words one time, then speak with swears and crazy analogies in another. With gentleness and straightforwardness. With strength and weakness. With humility and pride. Admiring bravery then utter awkwardness.

Would there be people still like me if I showed everything?

After all, I'm terrible at telling lies, but good at hiding secrets.

[Sceal]

People will still like you.
We like you, so why then, shouldn't the people in your daily life do so?

[DecimalRocket]

I guess they might just do, Sceal. 
...

Like I've said before, the more time has progressed, the less my worldview fluctuates between my extremes. It's a scary thing to grow up this way, but right now . . . I just feel distant.

Growing up with an interest in all kinds of philosophical questions, I've seen the question asked of whether human beings are primarily good or evil, and I've always seen that most people's views on that seem arbitrary. Beliefs all just made out of emotion, whether it's idealism or pessimism.

No statistics. No psychological studies. No mention of historical references. Not even personal experiences that are worth taking a look at. I mean no disrespect, but to me then, it was . . . lacking.

I've researched it by now, but sharing my story and interacting with people here? It's different, not less. I've seen inspirational progress I could never imagine from people from backgrounds like this. In other situations, there are situations that are utterly destroyed and worsening from their trauma.

In books, you often don't hear from the views of ordinary people, people who don't become some kind of celebrity from their past. Even then, you don't see them how they pass from day to day. In books, they skip over the long winding repetitive parts of people's stories, but here, they don't. They're people I could relate to more, and people I could have been in another circumstance.

What an ugly and beautiful world, huh? I thought I was a monster, and so secretly I sympathized with "other monsters". But now I can see how different I am from them, and what a monster really is.

I've never felt so surrounded by kindness in my life, and at the same time as disgusted by what was far from it in the world.

And I'm scared too.

[DecimalRocket]

Have you ever heard of this quote?

"It is an old maxim of mine that when you have excluded the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." - Sherlock Holmes.

It's a mortal sin after all, at least to me, to lack obedience for my own truth.

I try to follow it everyday, not to solve cases of a mystery of some murder, but to solve the mystery of my own life. And when I look at all my experiences over the years, look at every failure and victory, every thought and feeling, and every word that I've said and has been said to me. . . what was most dangerous was not the chaos of the world. I've been running away and battling life towards the wrong place.

The most dangerous thing in my life . . . was the chaos of my own mind.

[DecimalRocket]

To be honest, the Healing Porch doesn't work out for me.

It's a way of healing by visualizing a very calming place, but a place I would find calming is somewhere familiar. Even new places that are commonly thought of relaxing like the beach or a peaceful park isn't as calming as my own home, but I'm beginning to change my own mind now.

My mom growing up was rigid on rules, and when I said I'll go out into the park next to our house, she wouldn't budge. There were bound to be kidnappers, murderers and all sorts of criminals waiting out there, she'd say. I remember her agreeing to allow me to go out if I went with her, and when I sat on one of the swings, she spent a lot of time just complaining why we were here. Ruined my image of peacefulness there.

I didn't get why she said that. We're a cautious and practical bunch far from the stereotypes people have about the rich. Expensive clothes and jewelry? Haha. Sounds like a wonderful way to invite being robbed, especially in a poor country. It's not like we have an attention grabbing mansion either. After all, the more space, the more cleaning. We have fortune, not fame.

The less oversensitive my senses get, the more I want to explore the world with my own senses. I've managed to find more healthy and different food with my newfound less sensitive sense of taste, but what else is there? I guess I have a little fire of wanderlust, maybe. If only the rules were mine, because after all, I don't believe in the existence of freedom without rules.

There are rules that keep you locked in a prison cage. On the other hand, there are rules like in a game of chess or tennis that suit to make things more than that. As a simplification, there are two types of rules in this world after all. The rules that make causes suffering, and the rules that make things interesting.

I just wish I wasn't as scared to make my own rules though. For now I'll just hang around inside and relax, and feel bad about all those adults talking about how today's generation tells them they don't go outside enough. Feel bad about how my tutor after school, essentially my second dad, kept teasing me about my own quiet preferences of staying at home.

Both curious and scared as always. I guess sometimes rules are both.

[sanmagic7]

yes, i know that sherlock holmes quote.  it's quite precise. 

as an adult, we do have the freedom to make our own rules.  with that, we also get to shoulder the consequences of our actions concerning those rules.   we can claim absolute victory and defeat, and everything in between for ourselves.  we can also spread around gratitude for all the help we get every step of the way.

i don't know what the age of adulthood is in your country.  in the u.s. it varies between 18 and 21.  drinking alc. used to be a sort of measure of adulthood.  back during the vietnam war, kids were being drafted at 18, but not allowed to drink till they were 21.  there was a lot of pressure to allow kids who were putting their lives on the line for their country to be able to drink legally.  many drinking age laws were changed during that time.

a lot of them have changed again, as well as when you're considered an adult here, are viable when signing a contract - whether it's legal and binding at age 18 or 21.  i don't know anymore.  at any rate, you may have some time to determine by what rules you want to live your life.  personal rules. 

there will always be governmental rules, and we can always decide whether we want to follow them or not.  it's all a choice in the end.  different choices make for different consequences, as in everything else we do.  even unspoken rules, such as within cultures.  it's important to learn them, too. 

when i moved from the conservative midwest to the free love hippie culture of the so. calif. beaches, i was totally ignorant of the rules there, many of which were in direct contrast to how i was raised and taught to live and have relationships.  i stumbled and fumbled repeatedly as i tried to figure out what was going on and whether it worked for me or not.

you'll get there.  it sounds scary to think of it, but it's a work in progress.  as you go, as you grow, as you experience, and as you mature, you'll find the rules that fit for you.  it's personal.  that's one of the beauties of being an adult - you can change your own rules whenever you want to.    love and hugs, sweetie.

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
Just wanted to say that I hope that you enjoy making your own rules.  I liked what SanMagic said about "finding rules that fit for you" - and hopefully having fun along the way to find those.
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

  for San and Hope. Nice to hear the well wishes.

18 years old is considered an adult here too. Though, one thing to note that in much of Asian culture, it's acceptable and even seen as necessary to live with parents at this age, though just not live off their money. It's meant to show respect and gratitude to their parents by caring for them as an adult, though I'm not sure if I'd like that path. . . eheh.

[DecimalRocket]

One of the notable causes of my own CPTSD is how I take things literally from other people. Not with metaphors and similes of course, seeing as how much I enjoy using them, but more with generalizations.

Notice how I often use words like "often, "most", "sometimes", "more/less of" and, "much of" in my posts? I used to place specific details of exceptions to the rules, but I figured out that most people don't really take some statements as all or nothing as I do. No wonder I like precision. I saw myself as either a genius or an idiot, a monster or a saint, a loser or a winner, and all kinds of messages I took too literally from others.

I'm better at it these days, mostly because hearing responses of people on OOTS gives me a better handle on a much less black and white view of morality, the world and myself. It's a surreal feeling . . . to observe people from afar like I've always have, and seeing it more clearly, but not fully.

Weird, huh? To see myself as human, not more or less. That's more genuine pride and belongingness in an identity than anything I ever called myself before. Haha. I remember Sadhguru, an Indian Yogi, asked once why is it that we call ourselves human when we point out our flaws? Why is it that no one ever calls themselves human and sees something extraordinary potential in being one, even with our flaws? Don't get me wrong - I'm still disgusted with much of humanity, but here's where I belong.

Remember that I told people here about my fine motor skills disability, and also that I've happened to draw before? Even if it was done very slowly for each picture - twice or thrice the amount of time for average artists, I have drawn pretty realistic drawings before in my early teens. It's slow, but eventually . . . I did learn.

Those instructions they used as drawing tips. . . Draw what you see, than what you think is there. It's easier to draw a picture by drawing around the blank spaces, of what is not there, so you can line in what's really there. Measure the proportions with a pencil, and compare how it sizes up with the rest of the image.

That's precision in art, and in a way, it's the type of precision I use for my life.

Heh. I was a crazy kid, but I liked learning things I was terrible at sometimes.

And there's still more to figure out, but I'll figure it out. . . eventually. Somewhere inside I still hate my guts. 

[sanmagic7]

i don't hate your guts, for what it's worth.

i agree with what sadhguru said.  i've noticed that often when people compare themselves to others, they only compare themselves to people they think are 'better' in some way than they, themselves, are, and think less of themselves for doing so.  kind of a similar principle.   it's a mystery to me.

being human has been a rough row for me to hoe as well.  'ordinary' 'average' 'same as' really wasn't allowed for me growing up, so i, too, developed the 'better than' syndrome.  doesn't leave too much room for being human where, in reality, no one is better than anyone else.  tough to get off that pedestal, tho.  ouch!

our cultures can define us, can entrap us, or can challenge us.  even being a woman, there were certain expectations of what was and was not ok for me to do, say, be, or how i was judged if i went outside the norm, so to speak.   we get to pick and choose as individuals just how we want to behave - in the lines, outside the lines, a little of both.  you've got time to think about it for yourself.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Sceal]

you've come a long way these past few months. You're discovering new things about life, humanity and most importantly - yourself.
I hope this will be a good thing in your path of healing. Use your strengths.
We all got flaws,  and in a way we need them. It seperates us from each other, it gives us a potential and reason for growth. And they are there to teach us about other aspects of life. We're a highly social animal, and we need other people to do the things we cannot do, and vice versa.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks you two.  Sorry for the long posts, as always. I tend to treat thinking deeply about things as an escape from stress, and well, it makes my posts long.
...

You'd think I'd understand deep insights into life from some kind of famous leader or author, but my lessons these days come from observing a rude mouthed manchild known as Christian Chandler. For you older folks, let's just say he's the one of the most trolled and bizarre internet sensations to date and there is an entire wiki of his life considering how open he is about it.

There's an entire analysis of his life in more than 1,000 articles - including things like his narcissism, his inability to admit mistakes, his bad hygeine and health practices, his crimes being banned from random restaurants and places, his history of once accidentally burning his house, his belief that finding a girlfriend would solve all this problems, and his badly drawn comic series Sonichu of which he imagines himself as the dystopian tyrant.

Why is he worth learning about? Because he makes a good anti role model, a term that's a role model of what NOT to do. I thought I'd understand what I want more in life by understanding what I don't want to be in life. After seeing that he's an absolute bum who looks like a homeless man in his house, I'm suddenly inspired to practice practical self care. How mysterious.

I learned how to cook a meal today, though I'm both fascinated and grossed out with raw meat. Unfortunately, it doesn't include people fainting from the joy of my food and growing superman muscles in a few seconds like the show Food Wars, but it was a nice learning experience.

I managed to convince my mom to let me outside in the park for once, as long as my personal maid comes with me. It was relaxing and healthy to take a walk outside, but sigh. I know the grass isn't always green on the other side, but I suddenly want to elope to nature as a humble country bumpkin and even eat cheap rice just for the sake of more freedom, but oh well, progress.

Let me admit to you with embarrassment, I've been met with rigid rules and overwork in most areas, and absolutely spoiled in specific areas. Like household chores. Honestly, I don't even know how a microwave works, and I don't groom my own hair. Washing the dishes sound gross to me, and I haven't cooked before today since home economics class 3 years ago.

I don't mention this, mostly because I dislike being associated with rich spoiled brats. I find it a pretty bizarre stereotype, since most people I've seen in my social class don't speak in stereotypical rich accents, talk about expensive products all the time, and are stuck up. Most pretty much look like normal people if you see and happen to meet them in public.

I don't like to attract this attention to this area of my life. I just want to look normal and fit in, but maybe with all the stupid ignorance of certain things, maybe I am a spoiled brat. 

[DecimalRocket]

Nevermind about that above. It's no big deal. I'm just inherently pathetic.

I thought of ending it recently, and probably talking about this would just get this post deleted anyway. I tried choking the air out of myself with a pillow, but after doing it over and over again, I bet I don't even deserve that. Punched myself in the gut and my legs, then went away.

What's the point? I don't even feel curious, and I'm nearly always curious. I'm just being petty and fishing for sympathy again with the above post and this one.

[sanmagic7]

sending a loving hug filled with whatever you need - be it sympathy, reassurance you're not pathetic, etc, etc.     it's all in there, and i hope you don't do yourself harm anymore.  you are precious to me and this forum, just the way you are.