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[DecimalRocket]

Well, I can't really do much to change my body, San. But I get more accepting and confident in my own gender identity even if others think otherwise. I'll consider what you said, though while the ones who can afford a high-quality education here tend to be more openminded towards gender identity issues, most of the country is. . . well, not so good.

it's not like autism where much of the country isn't even educated enough to be aware of it to widely discriminate against it, and here if someone doesn't know, I can just introduce the concept to them without misconceptions. My gender identity issues? Haha, that's going to be more . . . complicated.

In the meanwhile, I hanged around an LGBT forum for more people I can relate to. 

[DecimalRocket]

For my greatest healing, I listen to crazy people. I listen to lots of crazy people.

This ranges from someone who says they have a third alternative on biology aside from Darwinian evolution and creationism,(Called Evolution 2.0), some guy who believes exercise and eating less doesn't make people thinner, (Called Why We Get Fat.) and criticism of String Theory, the mainstream big shot of Physics, (The Trouble with Physics) Even if . . . you know, many are justifiably crazy in a bad way (Haha. The Secret.), but surprisingly a few of them have a point.

I'm that guy who looks upon the crazy woo and considers them. I'm the guy who you'd imagine with a tinfoil hat to even consider some of this. I'm the guy who listens to everyone, in the hopes maybe I'll find some gold between all the dirt something that is wonderfully insightful. Something people will look back from the future as a mistake to judge against, and maybe I'll be there to realize it earlier than others to help spread it.

I'd like to go with something different with both the conventional skeptics I grew up with and the crazy bull they oppose. A skeptic of skeptics, removing hypocrisy like how they discriminate against the religious like religious fundamentalists discriminate against them. Either a middle ground, or even something beyond both as a third option.

It matters less if I ever find something true. It matters more that I considered it, without shame, embarrassment or self anger. Maybe I can believe in the depth of my own trauma and self worth. I thought believing in my own strength was crazy, but I've learned there are much more crazier people out there.

Maybe one day I can cure my sanity.

[sanmagic7]

i wouldn't want you to cure your sanity, personally.  i love your brand of sanity.  but, that's just me.

i've talked about tinfoil hats for years, even made one once with nc d and her friend and they were posted on her fb page.  however, crazy as it may sound, i do believe we are getting bombarded continually.  unfortunately, nothing i can do about it. 

some of those people are thinking outside the box, tho, and i don't necessarily think that's a bad thing.  my idea of crazies are the hate mongers - them, yes, batsquirt crazy.  just insane to hate people for such trivial, incidental things like opinions, skin color, lifestyle choices, etc.  then i'm in a moebius loop cuz i hate them. 

the rest, like you said, glean nuggets where you can find them.  wisdom comes from all kinds of sources, words to live by can be found in the weirdest places, and new themes to be explored are everywhere.  you just keep it up - it's an endearing trait, one we can all learn from.  love and hugs.

[DecimalRocket]

  Well, there's the type of crazy that attaches itself to one idea too much, and the type of crazy that takes account multiple perspectives. I opt for the latter. It's subjective though. One man's craziness might be another man's sanity after all. San, I wonder what you mean by liking my own brand of sanity though?

....

I have a confession. I think I might have fallen in love.

Well, it took a while to figure out, but I guess that explains why I seem moodier than usual. I get overjoyed, then depressed, and back again. My heart keeps beating wildly, and it's tiring. I can't think as logically or as straight. My emotions are so . . . confusing, and . . . irrational. The more time passes, the harder it is to stop thinking about her.

At the middle of the day, I started feeling depressed and gave up learning to lie down unmoving. I was confused as to why, until I realized I started feeling depressed when she mentioned she had a boyfriend. Oh. So that's why. Damn.

Maybe I'll just . . . sulk around alone today.

I can't help but be worried about what's going on with the rest of people here though. Are you guys okay? I'd want to hear your issues out, but I'm just . . . too unmotivated and down for it.

[MarkD67]

Please be gentle with yourself DecimalRocket. 

[DecimalRocket]

Thank you, Mark. 

Looks like another reason is that I'll worry about losing things, and when I mean losing things, I mean literally everything. When I look back at the past, I miss it. In the future, I might even miss now. I've realized there'll not be a single day where I haven't slowly or quickly lost something that's important to me in some way.

In the end, I won't even have my own life. Isn't that depressing? To realize that everything that began in life would end? I've heard of the concept intellectually before, but it seems I understand it more deeply in detail and how it would affect everything in my life.

Man, this is the problem with being too smart. I get weird existential crises at arbitrary times in my life.

[sanmagic7]

that last sentence is an example of your brand of sanity that i love.  you have a unique perspective on yourself and the world, and i just enjoy it. 

falling in love.  o my heart.  it's such a wonderful experience in some ways, and it others, well, maybe not so wonderful.  but, i totally believe it's worth it.  i hope you fall in love many, many times.  i hope that for everyone.

keep taking care of you, no matter what random existential crisis you're in the midst of.  after all, we're all we've got.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[DecimalRocket]

I'm tired.

I made a thread on the dissociation part of the forum. Notice I said I did it, but it wasn't me. Someone else used my account. Someone else possesed my body.

They were being nice and tried to share what I was too ashamed to share, but I felt a little embarrassed for needing them there. I feel shocked and frozen. Unreal. It says something about my trauma when I've dissociated to those strong amounts.

I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown, and feel oversensitive to everything. I don't know. Maybe I'm just doing this for attention.

Sorry for being here, and sorry for saying sorry. I can't get it out of my head that I need to apologize for my own existence.

[ah]

Hi Rocket,

I just re-read something you wrote. You said:

No need to do something extreme to call for help. We're here. I've felt similar too in that way, in that I felt I needed my pain to be even more tragic or painful to ask for help. No. No. No. You deserve some care, and that's okay.

You deserve some care too, and that's okay too. You have every right to all of your emotions, enjoyable and unenjoyable too. And odd remaining-to-be-figured-out ones included. Being tired too, and confused, and speechless and not speechless and basically all options of different versions of you. The way I see it, they've all got their own place and right to be here.

Shame also included, even if I think you have nothing to be ashamed of I respect the fact that you feel it. I know from experience how strong shame can be, how tiring it can be when it doesn't stop.
Being through things you aren't sure of? Asking existential questions? That's as human as it gets.

Dissociation can be scary, I know. So can the existential questions, they can get out of hand. They do for me. Your mind is very good, but thinking can also become futile at times and go around in loops. It isn't always the best tool, sometimes it can be too sharp, too focused on abstract unsolvable puzzles. The existential questions are maybe by definition unanswerable, that's how we ended up with poetry.

I'm not doing well so I can't say more for now, wanted to say I'm thinking of you.
And no, you don't have anything to apologize for. Not for being, not for being here. I know what it can feel like to need to apologize for taking up space though, I know how powerful it can be. But I think it's lying to you. I think you deserve care, and that's okay.

[sanmagic7]

d.r., i think whoever took over to write what it seems needed to be written, acknowledged, brought out into the light was wonderfully strong to do that for you.  hugs to them and to you for allowing it to remain.

you are so valuable to me, it hurts my heart to know that you ever think you need to apologize for existing, for being here or asking for help.  i'm glad you're here, and i know others feel the same way.  if i think on it, i can't imagine a world where you don't exist.

love you, sweetie.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks San and Ah. 

I feel a lot better now. I don't remember much of the day. I bet my alters spent most of the time separately dealing with my own stresses, and now I feel relaxed and deeply relieved. I have some vague memory that I wrote more posts in the dissociation thread, but I don't remember at all what I've written.

I'm a little nervous to check now, so maybe later. All I know is that instead of crying to release my sadness, I've been trembling all over my body to release anxiety and terror. It's relieving.

You know, I guess it wasn't that bad to split temporarily. I don't fully remember everything, but I think my own alters were all kind and intelligent in their own way, and I sense that even in my own Pride. Why do I remember Pride with a capital P? I don't know.

I feel absolutely exhausted and need rest, but I don't think I've felt so much peacefulness and zest for life in a long time. All without fully knowing why. I have a sudden need to celebrate with hardcore Funk Rock music and found some saved on my Spotify. Wonder where that idea came from?

Eh. Must have forgotten.

[DecimalRocket]

hi there. Im another personality of DR. I dont know this place, but I think you're all nice, I guess. I'm Pride, but not very prideful. I just get called that a lot by DR's inner critic. I want to say it's not fair to mess with their inner child after all, but I'm not sure. I think it's my fault. All of it.

PS : these emotions are gross and i hate you. That means I like you very much. Heh.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, it's DR again, but with all the memories of my alters. I'm supposed to tell you that I'm panicked from going crazy, but somehow all this has been the most extremely healing process in my life. No exaggeration.

I understand the different fragments of myself the most . . . by becoming them, understanding each part of myself one by one and not taking each all at once.

Yeah. This is still crazy.

[DecimalRocket]

Looks like I haven't split into different identities at all today. I guess that crazy situation was just a temporary thing, all made through one of my traumas a child -- my own existential crisis with death.

I already knew about the more intellectual ideas of what was the point of things even with death back then, despite my persona of looking not-as-smart with my little kid humor. Now, when I read or watch stories confronting death, I don't just understand anymore, I also can feel at some level what these characters are feeling.

I remember being a hypochondriac - I worried about my health with no basis in reality. It was one of my earliest chronic fears, and even if it got buried in my consciousness, that part of me never really had anyone to walk them through it. All I remember was being huddled in the back of my dad's car, driving through the night of the big city, and quieting my tears.

I finished the crime thriller Breaking Bad recently. It's about a chemistry teacher named Walter White struggling to earn the bills for his family. When he gets diagnosed with lung cancer, Walt looking desperately for money uses his chemistry skills to sell the highest quality meth. He slowly seems to morph from an amiable and polite man to a druglord monster.

At the last episode, his wife Skyler speaks through tears as she says she refuses to hear ever again that he did it for the family. He then calmly says, "I did it for me. I liked it. I was good at it. And really -- I was alive." I'm not willing to become a criminal like him, but I agreed with him in one sense.

Maybe he wasn't addicted to fame. Not success. Not power. But in being alive.

Why do I want to share myself and my ideas to others then? That I want to learn about the world so I can perceive or change it in my own little way? As time passes by, it's less because I want approval. It's less because I want connection. It's even less because I wanted to know the truth about myself.

What I want is not to be affirmed that I and the world exists.

What I want is to know that I'm alive.

That the world is alive.

[DecimalRocket]

Sigh. You know sometimes I wish my everyday thoughts weren't as hard to understand and often takes several paragraphs to explain. Other people my age either told me it was too complicated and gave up or idealized my smarts too much. Sometimes I wish I can like thinking about the normal stuff so more people would come by, but I'm not normal.