Back to Earth Recovery Journal

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DecimalRocket

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Back to Earth Recovery Journal
« on: March 27, 2018, 03:25:59 AM »
I thought I'd get a new journal now that the old one is getting too long. Not that I still don't want anyone to reply to my last post there.  :whistling:

When I first came here, I thought of the title 'The Sky is Not the Limit" as a pun to my username. Some people call me Rocket around here, and that's what I envisioned. To explore something beyond the skies. Beyond what was currently seen.

Apparently the famous science speaker Neil Degrasse Tyson had the same title on his biography without me knowing disappointingly. Hey, we all know he stole it from me.  :bigwink:

I named this one Back to Earth for a reason. I remember the book 'The Alchemist', and spoiler alert, the main character goes on an entire journey away from home, until he realizes what he really wanted was back at home. The first title was when I thought growing in life was thinking hurriedly, working hard and dreaming big. But as time passed, I grew by settling down, relaxing and becoming more grounded.

I'm coming back to home. I'm coming back to being too stuck in the past and being too absorbed into the future. I'm coming back from the false ideas that I thought would make me perfectly happy.

Yeah, finally. I'm coming back to Earth.

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DecimalRocket

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Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2018, 11:39:45 AM »
No one?

 :disappear:

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Three Roses

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Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2018, 04:14:22 PM »
So sorry this received no replies!  :hug: :hug: :hug:

Returning home - brings up conflicting reactions within me. "Back to square one" is one way to express one of my reactions. But it also conjures images of acceptance and love, of having a place within a loving family unit; of having a sort of home base from which to venture out into the world; and one of getting back to the important basics.

But -
Quote
I'm coming back to being too stuck in the past and being too absorbed into the future. I'm coming back from the false ideas that I thought would make me perfectly happy
doesn't sound like progress to me.

Also, no one who is sane is 100% perfectly happy at all times. We are humans with a vast array of sometimes conflicting emotions and innumerable variations of beliefs and viewpoints.

But all in all I like the title of returning to earth. Putting one's feet back on the ground, so to speak.  :thumbup: :bigwink:

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Blueberry

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Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
« Reply #3 on: March 28, 2018, 09:45:10 PM »
DR, I just returned home myself about an hour ago! You're probably a speed reader and speed writer but I'm not! So bear with me :bigwink:

I rather liked The Sky is Not the Limit myself! But coming Back to Earth sounds like being well-grounded which is important too. I hope you don't lose your dreams and aspirations, and also your curiousity, DR.

Well, we'll see where your new Journal takes you!  :rundog:

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Sceal

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Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2018, 07:55:38 AM »
I didn't realize you'd made a new journal!
I usually only click on the "updated topics" button, to avoid being overwhelmed on days where I'm already frail.

There is nothing wrong with being flighty, above the skies and looking for new desitnations. But it's also important to have a home to return to. I hope this home that this journal will eventually become, will be one where you feel safe. One which will continue to grow your curiosity, and one where you will allow your "weaknesses" to be there.  I hope it will be a home that you create for yourself, one that is healthy and nourishing. And not one that's repeating the pattern of how you've grown up.

Being grounded also can signify being more connected with one self - and I hope that's where you were going with this.
 :hug: if it's okay!

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DecimalRocket

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Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2018, 10:35:44 AM »
Well, thanks you three.  :grouphug:

TR, well of course I canít be 100% happy. My highest goal in life isnít to be happy. Itís to enjoy learning ó because joy without curiosity for me is empty, and curiosity even with pain is freeing. 

Berry (I figurded it sounded cooler than Blue), yeah, people tell me I read very fast. My writing on paper is slow and terrible enough that I canít read my own handwriting sometimes, but I type like a robotic cheetah. Itís alright if you canít keep up, Berry.  ;)

Sceal, I appreciate that wish that I wonít repeat the same views as I grow up. Iíve been looking at my old journals even before OOTS. I forgot all the effort I put into recovering even then, and I was often too hard on myself. Honestly, Iím . . . overwhelmed on how I was so in pain, yet I never really saw myself as worth anything.  I guess when I was younger, I never really saw myself as just a kid. I thought I knew everything, but now I see how little I knew, and how little resources I had to deal with my pain.

Damn. Thatís sad.

But as I've forgotten my life, I've focused on the tiny areas where my pain is, and tried to change my perception on these only. But as I looked at my past as a whole through all these journal entries, a more whole picture emerges. Atoms of memories are different from seeing them as molecules of memories connected and interwoven with each other.

And I did a better job surviving than I thought I did.
« Last Edit: March 29, 2018, 12:04:57 PM by DecimalRocket »

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sanmagic7

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Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2018, 04:26:14 PM »
hey, d.r.

i like your new title (i'm finally back to earth enough to be able to reply to a couple posts).  out of it, that's what i feel when i'm caught up in my other stuff - but at times like today, feeling more together, in less pain, was able to take a walk, yep, that's when i feel like i'm back to earth.

it's a solid feeling for me as compared to so much of my life as feeling floaty.  i think i understand what you mean.   when i am able to focus on what i have, what i'm really about, and not feel like all the rest of this stuff takes me off track, that feels back to earth for me.  i get too strung out on too many things that, once processed, i'm able to leave behind.

anyway, don't know if that relates to you, but i'm glad for you that this feels like progress.  it does to me, too, when i have that feeling.   i think you've done a great job of surviving, moving forward, and being able to connect those atoms into molecules.  funny how a change of perception leads to a change in perspective, and how all those tiny bits that seemed so important once can evolve into something more meaningful.  synergy.  i love it.

well done, d.r.  i love you, too.  sending a warm hug filled with newly formed molecules that may continue to form even greater bodies of goodness in your life.


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DecimalRocket

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Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2018, 07:12:58 AM »
Glad you're feeling like you're back to Earth, San, and that you liked how I change my perspective.  :hug: My situation isn't as healing since I've been in an EF the whole day, but after I cried my guts out, I feel a lot better. I still feel tense, but hey, it's nice to be calmer.
...
It's summer vacation, and it's not as I hoped.

I missed talking face to face with friends at school. Maybe often I didn't relate to them for the most part, but I related with their humor.  I may feel older or younger in many areas, but my humor is aged like a teenager.

Reading my older journals I genuinely wanted to progress to something big and important, but there was always this contrasting part of me that just wanted to mess around that I ignored.  "Good comedy" always seemed to have to be intelligent in the reviews online, but my own stupid jokes was a break from having to think deeply and seriously all the time. It was freedom.

I remember when I was a preteen, I liked the comfort of things like animating lame puns with Javascript, absurdist stories in HTML/CSS webpages, and pranking people and memes., but it was to run away from my inner seriousness and shame. Whenever I'd joke around, I remember my mom would tell me how an embarrassment I was. When will I grow up? When will I ever get more serious?

I hoped summer could last forever, but summers end.

It always ends.
« Last Edit: March 30, 2018, 11:31:09 AM by DecimalRocket »

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sanmagic7

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Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
« Reply #8 on: March 30, 2018, 05:03:17 PM »
it does always end, d.r., but with that ending there is always a beginning.  something new to focus on, absorb, make decisions about, whatever. 

i'm glad you have your humor (even if i don't get it at times - but that's just me).  i have mine as well, and not everyone always gets mine, either.  plus, i love to laugh - loud and long.  i've been shamed for that, given weird looks at times, but at other times, people, even strangers, smiled or laughed right along.  and is there anything better to impart to the world than humor?

it gives us all a break from the dreadfulness that can surround us, envelop us, even enmesh us.  there's a difference between being childish and childlike, right?  don't ever lose that childlike sense about yourself and the world, no matter what anyone says.  i think it's one of our few hopes.

i hope you find ways to maybe reach out socially even tho you're on vacation.  keep the faith, as we old hippies used to say.  you never know what you might find if you peek thru a new doorway.  love and a big hug, d.r.

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Hope67

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Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
« Reply #9 on: March 30, 2018, 06:16:00 PM »
after I cried my guts out, I feel a lot better. I still feel tense, but hey, it's nice to be calmer.

Glad you're feeling calmer, Decimal Rocket - and sometimes it can really help to cry. 

Just wanted to pop by and say 'hello' and offer you a hug  :hug: if that's ok.
Hope  :)

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DecimalRocket

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Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
« Reply #10 on: March 31, 2018, 10:27:51 AM »
Thanks San and hi Hope.  :hug:

I'm planning to enroll into summer classes so I can learn something with other people, but for now, being alone most of the time is fine. It's a nice break to ponder and heal for my life at my own pace. Having to talk to so many people so often for group works was exhausting then.

I'm a little shy about how I get interested in things. I have a certain level of respect to hearing everyone's ideas- from talking to a friendly professor of marketing about educational issues or listening and making rap beats with the bros, yo. Seeing how people could potentially stereotype me with different interests is . . . worrying.
....

I used to think modern art makes no sense, and in a way, it still is.

I practiced being aware of my own emotions by seeing how I felt viewing these online. Often when I pay attention to the humanities, it's to understand other people's emotions, not mine. I remember often struggling to recognize my own feelings when it was otherwise and my mind wandering to something more logical. Now while only very slowly, I can be aware of subtle changes in my emotions here.

I remembered Jawlensky's Young Girl in a Flowered Hat the most. It was a well dressed woman looking down shyly at her fan, but as a video critique said, the style suggested something otherwise. The lines were bold and the colors aggressive in a way that was harmonizing together.

I felt like her. A quiet and shy person hiding or even suppressing something more intense inside. Being a lot more mellow and underconfident to push down something overly confident and incredibly ambitious. Hmm. I guess my humor was a way to express this side to balance myself out and be rough in a really friendly way.

To be honest, sometimes It's overwhelming. Growing up to see that other people and myself aren't as black and white as I thought.
« Last Edit: March 31, 2018, 11:54:07 AM by DecimalRocket »

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sanmagic7

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Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
« Reply #11 on: March 31, 2018, 04:04:34 PM »
yeah, no kidding on that black and white stuff.  it's difficult at times to find our way among the gray, where we fit, what fits for us, all of it.  then to be able to place others there as well - absolutely can be overwhelming.

when i've done art therapy, a lot of it was abstract.  the colors, types of lines, sort-of images came out thru my hands without any real thought from me.  i don't know if anyone else could make sense of it - it didn't really make 'sense' to me either.  just an artistic (if you want to call it that) expression of what was swirling around in my mind at the time.

i like your relation to that painting.  it ended up saying a lot.  thanks for sharing, d.r.  i'm glad you're going to have some space for reflection before starting more classes.  that can be very valuable learning time.  maybe you'd want to do some of your own abstract art.  hmmm ...   love and a big hug, sweetie.

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DecimalRocket

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Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
« Reply #12 on: April 01, 2018, 10:24:01 AM »
Well, I'm too shy to say what happened today. I'm feeling calmer now, but I get this sense that I'm dissociating and forgetting an issue. It feels like the calmness could erupt into panic any moment.

Just a small favor if anyone would be okay with it? Mind if someone tells me what good they see in me? Like strengths, specific victories, talents and growth? For some reason, I've been filled with a deep craving for someone to praise me at something and I've felt better from praising myself but it's not enough.

I still think I'm worthless, and maybe I'm asking for too much again.

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Sceal

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Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
« Reply #13 on: April 01, 2018, 10:42:59 AM »
You voice your thoughts, and are receptive to people having a different opinion than you - and seemingly you accept that. You are open to more knowledge and different perspectives - always looking to broaden your horizon. You are clever, you are curious, and you fight. You don't give up.
You also admit your vulnerabilities, you ask for reasurrance when it is important for you. You ask for help.
There is alot to admire about you, and i hope that you can see that too, if not now - maybe in time.

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DecimalRocket

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Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
« Reply #14 on: April 02, 2018, 12:08:17 PM »
Well, Sceal, thanks to people like you, I slowly see it in myself as time passes. Though, I fall back and doubt myself often.

....

My emotions are slowly coming back . . . and that includes sexual feelings.

Well, this is awkward, at least to me. Honestly, when I think of this, I remember Christian Education class. "Masturbation is a sin." "Abstinence is benevolence." "Marry then be fruitful and multiply." Hey, I'm not Christian anymore, but I still have . .  Catholic guilt.

I was the kid who made multiple dirty jokes, but for some reason now that I actually feel these things, it's gotten . . . weirder. I mean, I mentioned those feelings coming back several posts ago, but they were very rare. About a few times per month, and these days, it's something else. I have much to learn from the . . . magic of puberty.

I guess being emotionally numb makes me a late bloomer in this department, huh? Especially since I broke one of those rules I mentioned earlier. With some imagination, alone time, and uhh. . . homemade items created from my originality and ingenuity. Then add to that bisexuality and it's stranger. When I told some friends, they were upset. Very upset.

Upset that they couldn't figure out my crush that easily because they had to pick one from both genders. Well, I'm not going to tell them, I'm sure. :whistling:

This doesn't really stop the Catholic guilt though. Haha.

Crap.